N/A: This is for all of you people who hate either Kikyou or Kagome. Or any other Inuyasha character for that matter. It's a parody so don't take anything personal and I DO NOT want to see comments like: "this character rules, how dare you make fun of it."
You have been warned!
Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. If I did, I'd resurrect Kikyou (yes, she dies in the manga – for good) and pair her with Kagome just to stop the senseless bickering! Geesh...
On a dark night...
The night was dark, because it's so unusual for it to be dark at nighttime, which makes this night a special night.
Kagome Higurashi had trouble sleeping so she got out of her sleeping bag and walked away quietly, unnoticed by anyone, even though Inuyasha rarely slept and his youkai senses would probably pick up even the quietest of movements.
As said, our heroine got further and further away from the group, heading towards an area that seemed to emanate spiritual power, thus making it clear to her that Kikyou was there. Miraculously, she had managed to be the only one to discover the miko's presence, outsmarting even Inuyasha's sensitive nose. So she figured it would be a good idea to go and teach that bitch (Kagome's had recently been taking swearing lessons from Inuyasha) a lesson. To think that dead clay pot whore (she learned those words while searching through horribly written fiction) could even dream of taking her man away, even though he wasn't technically her man to begin with.
Suddenly reaching a clearing, Kagome saw her rival standing on a tree branch surrounded by dead souls. The time for settling the score had come.
Kikyou watched her inferior copy stumble into the clearing, with a murderous look in her eyes. It was clear to her that she had come to claim the hanyou for her own, even though Kagome had never engaged in such drastic actions. Showing no emotion, as usual (the times when she smiled to the children, when she showed anger while facing Naraku or her expression of sadness – which is indeed an emotion – don't count), the miko put one hand on her bow, ready to fight for Inuyasha. Never mind that she had given up on him a while ago, right now she was willing to stand up for her love/hate/whatever. The time for settling the score had come.
"Hey, you dead bitch! Stay away from my Inuyasha!" Kagome growled, even though she had never cursed like that in her life, she was beginning to get the hang of it.
"How dare you call me a bitch, you slutty, weak school-girl!" Kikyou yelled. She usually kept a calm demeanor, not even raising her voice, but now she was yelling as loud as her lungs permitted even though she had no idea what "school-girl" meant.
Kagome had had just about enough of Kikyou's arrogance so she took out her bow and, before Kikyou could realize what was happening, pointed an arrow at her chest (Kagome had been taking archery lessons on-line and now she was the best kick-ass miko since Midoriko).
"Oh, no, Kagome, please don't kill me, although I am already dead and just days ago you were practically incapable of hitting an elephant if it stood half-a-meter away from you!" Kikyou begged, because it is oh-so-realistic for her to be begging and she was rather good at it, which made her consider pursuing it as a career.
Kagome, cold-hearted as she usually was, ignored the slut's whimpers and proceeded to shoot the holy arrow, aiming for her heart.
But, suddenly, a dark cloud of smoke blinded her sight and she missed Kikyou's heart by a few meters. Drat.
When she opened her eyes, she found the cloud of smoke to be non-other than their nemesis, the evil and very sexy half-demon called Naraku.
"I cannot allow to kill my woman." he said in a sexy voice as he landed a slap upon Kikyou's backside. "She and I have wild sex together and, as said in many fanfics, are dependent of each other, so I'm afraid I can't have you killing her."
"I thought I told you to keep that a secret!" Kikyou yelled, glaring at him.
"You two have sex?!" Kagome spoke, barely able to hide her disappointment at the fact that she wasn't getting any.
"Sometimes. Ocassionaly. Three or four times a night..." Naraku answered, proceeding to cop another feel.
Suddenly, a big globe of light landed exactly between them and it took the form of non other than the biggest playboy and sex guru in fanfiction – Lord Sesshoumaru.
Kagome's eyes turned to hearts as she saw the future man of her life, even though until now she was madly in love with Inuyasha.
"Fluffy-sama! Mate with me!" she yelled, jumping on the inu-youkai. Never mind that she would have been impaled on his spiky armor, were he to be wearing it as usual. This time though, he had forgotten to put in on, along with all the other clothes covering his upper side. Thus, Kagome found herself clinging to his muscular torso.
"You've been working out." Naraku noticed as Kikyou smiled at the demon lord, biting her lips sensually.
"Hmph. This Sesshoumaru does not discuss his activities with lesser youkai. But if you must know, I have indeed been lifting weights recently. But what is this thing hanging from me?" he wondered, noticing Kagome.
"Ah, it's my worthless half-brother's bitch." he said, even though he never used such offending language before, he now found it suitable for his royal mouth.
"Oh yeah, baby, talk dirty!" Kagome said, blushing as she wondered what kind of conditioner Sesshoumaru used.
"This human is disgusting..." the demon lord thought, "Although she has a nice rack and pretty decent legs. No, what am I thinking, she's just an insignificant mortal. But I sure wouldn't mind hitting that from the behind..." Sesshoumaru didn't know it yet, but he would be the first white rapper in the Sengoku Jidai.
Naraku and Kikyou were still standing there, even though no one paid them any attention anymore.
"Surrender to me, my pretty one...I want to taint your purity..." Naraku purred in her ear.
"Oh, save it for someone who cares...let's just get it over with." The priestess said, her features as emotionless as ever.
"Did you get the lube? With you being dead and all and as dry as a wasteland we really need that stuff you smuggled out of your reincarnation's backpack." Naraku said.
"So that's where it went!" Kagome yelled, interrupting her make-out session with Sesshoumaru.
"Let them have it, we don't need it anyway." The inu-youkai spoke, pulling her back into their previous face-sucking activity.
"HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?" Inuyasha and the group stormed into the clearing, looking dumbstruck.
"Oh, Inuyasha...It's not what it seems!" Kagome managed to articulate with difficulty because Sesshoumaru's tongue strolling through her mouth made it a little hard to talk.
"And Kikyou, you too?!" Inuyasha couldn't believe his eyes.
"Oh no, what have I done..." Kikyou said, appearing bored.
"How could you do this to me? Even though I've been two-timing you both and constantly hurting you because of my inability to decide, you have no right to do this!" Inuyasha yelled, anger burning in his eyes. "I've had it with you two sluts!"
That said, he put one knee on the ground in front of Sango:
"Sango, will you marry me? We're both fighters and you don't really want that perverted monk wannabe!"
The taijya looked at Inuyasha with puzzled eyes and then turned her gaze to Miroku.
"Hmmm...half-demon's always better than human...they don't get old, heal quickly and have a lot more stamina, which means they're probably a lot better in bed..." Sango thought. "Those fangs and claws could make things interesting too..."
"I'm sorry if I was too forward, my innocent angel." Inuyasha apologized in a sincere tone.
"No, I've made up my mind. Screw my best friend – Kagome-chan – and my former love interest! I've decided I only want you!" Sango replied, grabbing Inuyasha by the rosary and kissing him passionately, while she grabbed his firm buttocks.
"How ironic...in the end I'm the only one left alone..." Miroku thought. "Hmmm...maybe..." he pondered, eyeing his Kazaana and cursing Naraku for not making the suction power more gentle.
"Naraku! So that's where you were!" Kagura literally dropped in, the sight in front of her making her jaw drop.
"Go away, petty detachment. Master is busy now." Naraku dismissed her with a wave of his hand, while his other one was tugging on Kikyou's breasts.
"Sesshoumaru...with that ugly human bitch!" she exclaimed, her eyes filling with tears at the sight of her man riding another.
"There, there, Kagura..." Miroku approached the broken demon woman. "Feel like talking about it?" he asked, taking her hand as he lead her out of the clearing with a grin on his face.
A/N: I don't know what possessed me to write this. It began as a parody to some Kikyou and Kagome hating fanfics and then all the characters just started pouring in. I couldn't help myself. :giggles: I wanted to include Shippou and Rin, but I changed my mind at the last moment. I should at least leave the kids outta this, right:)
Just so you know...this was done for my own personal entertainment and to cure my writer's block so all flames will be regarded with the utmost indifference.