So It Ends Like This
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Notes: Thanks to heythatsmybike for making this readable. Concrit, is always, appreciated.
This is so gratingly, tediously, and infuriatingly bothersome: Sasuke doesn't want to–firmly refuses to–endure this offence, this utter dishonour and degradation any longer. But he's powerless. Doomed to wait patiently and stare out of the window dully because he's got nothing better to do.
It's past midday and the people out in the streets create that hustle and bustle of nonsensical carolling–it can be termed as such because the people are so damn loud, happy and joyous–rattling, buzzing, and cursing. Sasuke looks out of the window, hazy with boredom and restlessness. The restlessness is like a disease, it makes him frantic and unfocused, and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat a few times and scratches his neck nervously. It's pathetic, really; and he's growing increasingly more pathetic with each day. Soon, he swears that he'll start biting his fingernails again— an annoying habit he thought he'd gotten rid off. Like always, however, habits are a tough nut to crack and always come crawling back like annoying gnats, eager to drain blood.
Outside of the window, he sees a lot of things, common as well as laughably outrageous, tragic as well as mundane. In other words, he sees a tumult; a chaos of emotions that are as chaotic as man himself. He sees a little boy, a bright-faced little brat of ten, trip over his shoelaces. The child was too fast. Yet, instead of crying for his mamma, the child gains the strength and will to rise and after binding his shoelaces, runs off again. This, however, is not the case with a gruff old man holding protectively on to his cane. When he trips he falls like weary old rock, tumbling down to earth slowly as if an additional force were trying to hold him back and it takes the help of two young men to make him stand up again.
Still, even when somebody's grandfather stands up again, he looks broken and shaky on his two feet; his hands are trembling as well as his feet, and he looks like a dwarf ready to drop dead. And sure enough, it will happen one of these days.
Sasuke doesn't ponder over the things that he sees; they're only flashing pictures of a life he'll never posses. Certainly, he doesn't look out of the window because he's so fond of what he sees. He's not a patriot, not him, no sir. He's too selfish and obsessive to be something like that, and he doesn't care a flying pig about the village--it's too much of a placeholder for bad memories. He's not Naruto, a selfless and heroic being who'd willingly sacrifice his life to protect the village as well as his friends. He's not Naruto, who would willingly sacrifice his own happiness to make others happy. No, Sasuke is too selfish for that.
Thinking about Naruto makes Sasuke feel the disgust and anger rising within him, waiting to explode. His fingers, yearning to crunch something, grab hold of a tattered newspaper lying on the windowsill and crush it. It's not enough and it's times like these that Sasuke wishes he'd smoke; the taste of a cigarette's smoke would certainly give him something to do and it would definitely make him think less. It would give his hands something to do and holding a cigarette would stop him from crushing or breaking things.
He can't calm himself before he hears the bang on his door, and the loud and penetrating sound startles and nearly causes him to jump. For a minute, Sasuke is confused, but he doesn't allow that feeling to overpower him. With swift and easy grace, he rises from his chair and hastily checks his apartment for cleanness. To his relief, the apartment is tolerably clean. He's made his bed and there are no discarded garments cluttering the floor.
Again, he hears the banging of the door and a familiar voice–impatient and rude in expression–that urges him to finally open. Sasuke smirks and makes way to open it, and after a minute or so the insulting idiot comes in and kicks off his shoes as if the complex were his own. Then, without even offering Sasuke a greeting or some sort of comment, he pushes him against the wall and places an angry kiss on his mouth. It doesn't even start off chaste as Naruto forces his mouth open with a vehemence that borders on brutal and animalistic passion, thrusting his tongue in. His calloused and strong hands are all over his body, grasping, touching, and groping, making him squirm and tremble in ways that are so disgraceful and unheard of for an Uchiha
It would've be offensive and surprising if this was the first time. Moreover, it would've been disturbing and Sasuke would have punched Naruto in the face for touching him like that. But by now, he's used to it and doesn't fight back, but instead he succumbs and leans into the kiss. Sasuke is older too and the years have made him less evasive and reluctant and he can't feign being unconcerned anymore.
Besides, this is familiar, after all. It's what he'd been waiting for all day.
Though his back hurts from being pushed against the wall so roughly, he doesn't mind and returns the kiss with all the passion he can muster. Sasuke smiles when he feels the other moan inside of his mouth. It would be easy to shift their position and have Naruto pushed against the wall, but Sasuke's lenient and enjoys this just as well. He decides that he can be dominant later on; they'd have enough opportunities for that.
With alarming ease he finds that his shirt is being torn about and that his neck is being attacked with loving, nibbling kisses. Though he tries to suppress his moan and a whimper, he fails and is slightly flustered when he notices that teasing glint in the other's eyes. It doesn't make him feel excited and he feels that anger, that same bitter anger rise in his throat again. He hates Naruto—hates, not like in their childhood—but truly detests him for making him feel this weak and vulnerable. There's nothing innocent in this hate, but it's an ugly feeling that makes him feel nauseous and damn sick. It's not innocent because it's not the sort of hate that makes you want to kill; it's the kind of lasting hate that makes you want to die. It's the sort of hate that isn't hate really because it's nothing but an embittered love.
"You're so cute when you're in denial and try to protest," Naruto says teasingly, not realising or not wanting to realise the barely hidden weariness and flashing pain in the other's eyes.
"Don't you dare mock me, dead-last," Sasuke says to his defence, looking down at the floor and refusing to meet Naruto's gaze. He hates Naruto's eyes, those honest and good-hearted eyes that say things Naruto's too scared to say.
"You're as soft-spoken and sweet as always."
Yes, he should be content that he's being held like this, that he's being kissed with that frenzy eagerness, but deep down Sasuke's shivering and breaking apart. He's falling apart because he knows that this momentary bliss–it's all it really is–isn't enough anymore. It's never been enough because he only feels that alive, content, and excited when he's with Naruto; nobody else can stir these emotions of anger, passion, or love within him.
It's not only not enough, but it's good enough anymore, either. He wants more than the desperate kisses and the mind-numbing sex. Sasuke might not be the most social or kindest person, but he's still human and like every human-being desires to be loved. This might have been enough when they were still teenage boys, young and restless, still too foolish to understand. It was easier than then, easier to fondle each other in dark corners or fuck each other senselessly after sparring. It isn't anymore, though.
This would be easier if Naruto were really his, if he didn't claim belonging to someone else already, if he didn't try so hard to pretend that Sasuke was only his friend and that their little escapades were nothing worth mentioning.
But Sasuke doesn't complain and merely whimpers when he feels Naruto's tongue licking at skin. In the end, he's as much a coward as Naruto is and just as keen to pretend that this is enough.
He's in bed and asleep when the noise of a creaking and shuffling awakens him. Sasuke opens his eyes hesitantly and squints because he has trouble adjusting to the intense, blinding light. Still half-squinting, he makes out Naruto's silhouette and groggily sits up in his bed, pulling the cover. Sasuke can only imagine what his appearance is like with his hair all tousled and at tragic disarray. He probably looks like a scarecrow. With further annoyance, Sasuke notices that he's sore and can't move which only causes him further displeasure; he shouldn't have allowed Naruto to dominate him.
When Naruto looks up, he startles slightly and frowns, taking a deep breath and moving farther away from the bed. It's clear as hell to Sasuke that Naruto is feeling awkward and abashed; it's clear that he doesn't want to deal with him now. In a certain way this is comical because Sasuke knows that his friend isn't the sort who usually avoids people and confrontation.
"You're awake?" Naruto asks, looking at him while he fights with the buttons of his shirt. Although in his twenties and a respectable ninja, Naruto is still clumsy with some things and his erratic and hectic fumbling with that shirt is a good example.
"You woke me up, idiot," he says calmly, not showing the disappointment that's lurking deep inside of him. Still, even though he's repressing his emotions, he knows that even if he showed what he was feeling it wouldn't have changed anything
"I'm in a hurry, Sasuke. You know she's waiting for me and probably worried as hell."
He says those words so calmly and rationally that it makes Sasuke wonder if this is just some kind of bad nightmare, one where Kakashi's just as likely to burst into the room and start dancing and skipping around like Willy Wonka in his chocolate factory. It has to be because this too cruel, too sadistic, and too heartbreaking to be real. But then again, life mostly seems to be like a bad nightmare; no realist can deny that.
"Didn't you tell her that you're with me?" Sasuke nearly spits out. He really didn't need to hear that and he's angry that Naruto needed to remind him of that again. At least when unspoken, he can pretend that she doesn't exist and that Naruto belongs to him.
It's bad enough that he's going to have to pretend tomorrow. Tomorrow, when he's fairly likely to meet her and Naruto together, walking arm in arm like a happy couple. It's a sickening and perverse idea, but Sasuke knows that he's going to behave sullenly and nonchalantly again, insulting Naruto like he didn't give a damn about him.
He's going to scorn, scowl, and pretend that Naruto's nothing to him, even though he's everything to him.
"Yeah, but usually one doesn't exactly spend the whole night at a best friend's apartment, unless you're a teenage girl… if you get the drift," Naruto says this quickly and sheepishly, as if he were trying to apologise for something.
"No, I don't get the drift, Naruto. I don't why you're fucking her at all. Actually, I don't get why you're screwing around with both of us." Sasuke didn't want to say this, but he doesn't care about the consequences anymore. He knows that his voice is harsh, bitter and cruel. Yet, he doesn't stop and continues his verbal assault, though he flinches slightly when Naruto directs a disgusted look in his direction.
"Isn't one person good enough for you, Naruto? Am I not good enough for you? Or, are you so immersed with being acknowledged that you're scared of admitting …"
He's kissed fiercely before he can finish or even attempt to utter another syllable. He kisses back and tries to make the man fall back into bed with him since it's the only way Sasuke can show that he doesn't want to be left alone.
It's another of those kisses that leaves him panting and at a loss for words. With shock and unadulterated horror, Sasuke realises that Naruto knows him too well and that he's figured out what his weakness are. But that doesn't make him weak because he can break Naruto just as easily; they are equals.
"Naruto, I don't have the pretend anymore. And I think you feel the same… at least I believe so," he says after the kiss, the magic spell finally broken.
Sasuke is hesitantly honest, even though it's against his beliefs to be so. He's honest and really feels like grabbing the blond and shaking a couple of times so he can finally get him to understand. Naruto brought him back, made him fall in love, and it's his responsibility to make him happy. It's his damned responsibility to finally stop behaving like a total moron.
And for the first time, Sasuke feels that he's really captured the idiot's attention because he can feel his eyes burning into his skin, nearly scorching it with their intensity. He can see it, too. Sasuke can see that unspoken despair in the other's eyes, the desire to not be confronted, the desire that begs to continue pretending and refuses to be faced with the ugly, harsh truths.
And as always, Sasuke gives in, though he's breaking inside because he can't defy that person. Not when he's wants this.
Sasuke mutters something unintelligible, falls to the bed and tries, or at least pretends, to fall asleep again. However, he fails miserably and chokes in his breath because he can feel the beginning of hysteria–if hysteria can be termed as something that involves shouting and yelling helplessly–falling upon him. This is really shitty.
Refusing to look up at Naruto, he knows that said person is breaking, too. He can hear the machinery in the other's head working, turning and turning and clicking like the handle inside a pendulum.
But he's too afraid to catch a glimpse of Naruto leaving because it would force him to say something again and he hasn't got anything to say that isn't morose in some way. Not now, not when he's already stated what's on his mind. Not when words wouldn't render things better, but only worsen them.
"Bye, I'll come tomorrow."
He hears the restless shuffling again and when the door slams loudly shut, Sasuke ignores the thumping of his heart and tries to not care. But he's never been good at pretension and in a frenzy of anger he slams his knuckles against the wall and curses. It doesn't help.
Perhaps he should be satisfied, downright grateful even to lead a life such as this, to have Naruto at all, even if it's only in this half-baked and fruitless manner.
But yet, part him would always know that it'll never be enough. That he would never be enough. But this doesn't make him any less expectant in his demands. He isn't going to give up or back down, but he isn't going to make any sacrifices either. And he's definitely won't give up on Naruto. Never. He'll keep on demanding and pushing until Naruto finally understands he isn't going to rest in peace until Naruto is truly his. He would even kill for that. He's that selfish.