A/N: These are the characters of Stephenie Meyer. I am simply using them for my own amusement.

Hey everyone, this is my first fanfic ever. So if you could be a little generous in your reviews, it would be really appreciated. Thank you. And please review once you read it, so I can know if people like it, and if I should continue it.

And, please, give it a chance. The beginning may not be all that great, but it gets hilarious! Or so I was told…

Here it goes (sorry for any grammar mistakes):

The Song and the 'P' Word

"Humor me, Bella." Edward repeated for what felt like the thousandth time.

I shook my head, folding my arms over my chest stubbornly.

"No, Edward, I've said it already. Do you get the meaning of no?" I asked him sarcastically; although I really was getting rather annoyed. It took a lot for him to annoy me most of the time, but this…this was too much.

He tried to smother me with his piercing gaze that always left me breathless. And it was, unfortunately, working. So I did the only thing I could at the moment; I walked out of his room. Pathetic, I know, but he was really getting on my nerves. He knew he had that affect on me, but he just didn't really know how much of one. And I dearly hoped he never would. Because he would probably be completely disgusted (or flattered) at my mere attraction to his physical form, let alone his personality (which changed just as rapidly as the weather these days).

Knowing he was following me, I wandered down the vast marble stairs to almost run into Jasper. Which I found rather surprising, considering he probably could have heard my heavy footsteps and easily avoided me.

He raised an eyebrow; tasting my annoyed mood no doubt.

"Hello, Bella." He said slowly, looking over my shoulder at someone standing there, who was most likely Edward.

I sighed, "Hey Jasper. Edward's being a butt, he is trying to get me to sing."

Jasper's eyes flickered up again; over me, before looking back into my own.

"I see." He replied quietly.

"But I keep telling him how he couldn't possibly want to hear me sing when I sound like a bleating goat."

Chuckles were heard behind me and I whipped around to glare at air. I hate it when he uses his speed against me.

Even Jasper was laughing quietly when I turned back.

"Well, good luck with that, Bella." With those last words, Jasper departed; going up the stairs.

I growled and stomped down the rest of the stairs; tripping on the rug as soon as I stepped off the landing. Being mad always had its consequences. The linoleum was nearing my face, my hands going out in front of me to break the fall, when long cold arms wrapped around my body; pulling me up.

"Can I not leave you for a second without you getting in some sort of peril?" Edward's cool breath tickled my ear as he chuckled, releasing his hold only to spin me around to face him.

I pretended that I didn't hear the unheard comment about my klutziness - that he and Emmett never failed to get their say in about– and walked into the living room.

"Edward, why, why do you wish me to sing for you? You, of all people, should know that the only thing I'm really good at is finding trouble in the most strangest of places."

"True, true." He agreed with me, nodding, sitting beside me on the couch and pulled me closer. "But you should know that I want to know everything about you, even the bad things. And I have yet to hear you sing."

I frowned, "Well, I've never heard you sing." I sounded like a sulky child trying to get out of doing their chores.

Edward seemed to consider this, then sang the next commercial on the t.v., his silky velvet voice made the woman seem like she was croaking. Suave would make millions if they had his voice. He was amazing! Well, what was he not good at? After he finished, he turned to me; his face rather smug, before grinning.

"There, now I have. You can't use that excuse anymore."

"Pooh." Was all I said, for I was still muddled in my brain from his extraordinary singing; even it was only about shampoo. I'd go out and buy that product in a heartbeat.

"Now, it's your turn." His voice interrupted my thoughts.

I shook my head, obstinate again.

"I wasn't lying when I said I sound like a goat." I told him, looking over at the t.v. I knew I would say yes if I looked into those pools of gold that were his eyes.

"Well…I'm sure it's a very cute goat."

My eyes flickered to the side, glaring at him. I was about to retort when I had a better thought. Let him think I was going to do it…and see where that gets me. Maybe that would get him off my back for awhile.

So I acted as if I were in a deep pension then pursed my lips and asked, "So what would I be singing?" I peeked over at him to see his eyebrows raise.

"What?" He asked in a breathless tone, obviously shocked.

"You heard me, or are you hearing impaired?" I turned to him, showing a wicked smile.

Edward just shook his head, stunned.

"Well, I suppose you could sing whatever you like. What do you wish to sing?" He asked me, smiling genuinely.

Now it was going to be hard for me to say know, I know it. He had me trapped and I'm sure he knew that too. I don't want to hurt his feelings if I were to say no now…

I sighed, "I'll think of something."

He seemed to take this and nodded with a satisfied grunt.

There was no way I was going to get out of this now. With a resigned sigh I just came to the sorrowful conclusion that I would have to sing for Edward.

The t.v. was no source of entertainment for me, I really only cared about the person who had his arms against me in his rock hard chest. I was just going to kiss his cheek when I saw him wrinkle his nose and sniff.

"Do I smell that bad?" I teased, smiling faintly. Did I really? I showered this morning.

He didn't answer, but quickly took me off of his lap and grabbed my hand, dragging me behind him.

"Edward! Hey – Edward, what's wrong?!" I cried as he continued to pull me.

"You need to go to the bathroom." He answered finally, his tone that of slight disgust and dark humor.

"I need to – what?" What was he getting at? Unless…

"Edward, I'm confused….I'm fine, honestly."

"No, you're not." He gently pushed me into the bathroom and shut the door.

I was beginning to feel hurt when I suddenly noticed a wetness between my legs.

Oh dear.

Quickly I pulled down my pants and saw dark blood lining my underwear. That's why.

This had happened before, well, not exactly like this. Most of the time I catch it before him and manage to get to the bathroom. I knew that this blood doesn't appeal to him – as it's more of a…dead blood, if you get my meaning. We don't talk about this often, but I remember Edward once saying that he could smell it, and it wasn't all that pleasant. I could, too, also smell it. I didn't even want to think about how well he could with his super sniffer.

I realized I had no tampons or pads and panicked, opening their mirror cabinets to, of course, find nothing. They're vampires, they don't get their periods. I think…

A soft knock interrupted my panic and a soft voice called, "Bella, honey, can I come in?"


"Uh, no, I'd rather you didn't."

"Edward told me what's wrong, let me in." She said gently.

I love Alice like a sister, but I really didn't want her to see me like this.

"Again, thanks, but no thanks. Do you think that-"

"Rosalie is going out to get you some tampons." She called louder, obviously thinking that my frail ears couldn't hear her.

I cringed, thinking that the whole family could probably hear.

"Alice I hear-"

Suddenly I heard low whispers; most likely Edward and her.

"Bella, can you hear me?"

I rolled my eyes, "Yes Alice."

"Well-" Alice stopped and there was more whispering, "Apparently Rose is – uh, busy-" Yeah, more like didn't want to go, or care, "-so Edward called Carlisle and he is going to go-"

"No!" I yelled. Carlisle can't go get them! This is terrible.

"Bella?" Now Edward's worried voice was at the door.

"I'm alright, just please don't call-"

"Hey, what's going on?" Ugh! Not Jasper!

"Bella's just having her-"


"Yes Bella?"

"You don't need to broadcast my problems!"

"Oh, right, sorry." Her voice was softer and I thought I heard Esme's somewhere in between Edward's and Jasper's.

"Guys, I'm fine. It's just my…uh..Every girl gets it. I'm okay and-"

"Bella?" Esme suddenly asked me, and then I heard more whispering.

Had they even been listening to me?

Alice's voice interrupted Esme's. "Carlisle's at the store, but he doesn't know if you want pads or tampons and what brand and size?"

I feel so sorry for Carlisle. I can just imagine him standing there among the aisles of tampons wondering what the heck he was doing.

"Uh, just tell him to grab the first thing he sees." Well I had to make this somewhat easier for him.

"That's going to be interesting." I heard Jasper comment.

I still had my pants around my knees so I pulled them up, ignoring the icky feeling that followed. Man, Esme, Alice, and Rosalie where lucky they no longer had this problem.

"Is this a family reunion or what?" Oh no was that Emmett?!

"Oh Emmett!" Alice breathed sounding relieved, "Can you please go up to my room and look in my dresser – third drawer down on the left – for a pair of underwear for Bella?"

I groaned. Why me?

"What's wrong with Bella's underwear?" Emmett asked. I heard the confusion and humor in his voice.

"She bled in them." Alice stated matter-of-factly.

"Why would she-" Emmett broke off, understanding, "Ooooh, okay, I get it. I'll be back."

"Thank you Emmett!" Alice called up the stairs.

Esme's soft voice suddenly said to me, "Bella honey?"

"Yes, Esme?" I managed to whisper.

"Carlisle's back and he brought the tampons. Do you want me to slip one under the door?"

"Please and thank you."

A rather large white package slid under the door and I picked it up, ripping it open.

"Emmett!" Alice yelled.

"What?! I didn't know what color she preferred!" Emmett yelled back in self-defense.

As I tore open the package as quietly as possible I asked, "What is it? What's wrong?"

"He brought down about 10 pairs." Jasper informed me, "What color do you want?"

"I don't care!" I'm sure I was as red as a cherry.

A pair of black underwear was slipped under the door.

"Thank you!"

"No problem." Edward said quietly. Oh…it was Edward.

"Hey, Edward? Whos all out there?"

"Everyone but Rosalie." I heard the bitterness in his voice.

I was silent as I pulled down my jeans to put on the new underwear. The room behind the door was silent and I wondered what they were doing.

"Thank you Carlisle!" I called pulling up the underwear to my knees.

I heard him grunt, "No problem, Bella."

Jeez! This thing is huge! It'll be like sticking a hot dog – Okay, I'm not going to finish that thought.

"Well this is good…" Emmett said suddenly, his voice light.

"What's good?" Alice asked, confused.

"At least now we know Bella isn't pregnant."

"What?!" I screeched.

"Why on earth would Bella be pregnant?" Edward's furious voice demanded.

"Well…I wasn't sure if you two had-"

He never got to finish his sentence because suddenly I heard a loud smack, like two boulders falling onto one another.

"Edward!" Esme yelled.

"Emmett!" Alice shouted.

I quickly pulled up my jeans. "What is it? What's going on out there?" My voice sounded panicked and worried.

"Oh nothing. Edward and Emmett are justing having a little brawl." I could almost hear the grin in Jasper's voice.

"I'm going to go break them up." Carlisle said calmly.

"Jasper! Do something!" Alice squealed.

"Nah, let them handle it."

I heard another smack, most likely Alice hitting him.

"Hey! We don't need anymore of that!" Esme's voice was strangely authorative.

"Edward!" I called, hoping he'd come like an obedient dog.

"Sorry, Bella, they've gone outside." Alice said through the door, sounding exasperated.

I heard a shriek followed by more hitting.

"YOU IDIOTS!" A meloudious voice screamed.

"What was that?" I threw open the door, finally, to see Esme talking with an infuriated Rosalie, while Jasper and Alice stood near me. Emmett, Carlisle, and Edward were no where in sight.

"Emmett and Edward dented her BMW, apparently" Jasper replied, watching Rosalie; trying to calm her down with his unique ability.

"You okay, Bella?" Alice asked me softly.

"Yes, I'm fine."

This was all my fault…none of this would have happened if-

Edward ran in suddenly, coming towards me.

"Edward! I-" I never got to speak because he scooped me into his arms and carried me up the stairs.

"Edward!" I heard Esme call behind us.

He didn't answer, but brought me to his room and closed the door, locking it behind him.

"What's wrong?" I asked gently.

Walking to the sofa he sighed and sat down, setting me in his lap.


"Please, be quiet Bella." His voice was tight; controlled, the anger still apparent in the background.

"What did Emmett say?" I whispered.

He shook his head, "It's unimportant. Just please, let me hold you."

Well, I wasn't going to object to that. But I couldn't help wondering what was said between the two that got Edward so riled up.

We sat in silence for a while, my head against his chest, only his breathing could be heard.

Finally, he shifted and I looked up at him.

"You know, if you think that this ordeal is going to keep you out of singing, you're wrong. I'm still expecting a full show." He grinned and I groaned.

"Bring in the goat!" I muttered.

A/N: Well, that's the end. If you like it please review, if you didn't, please review. I would like to know of any mistakes I made and give me praise if you liked it.

Thank you!