Titanic- Raindrops on Roses
by Overactive Imagination
An empty shell stands now in my place. I'm withering away, not physically, but mentally and not to mention emotionally. I smile no longer, unless I am forced to. Mother and this entire society life I have been raised in; all of it is smothering me. It's all making it hard for me to breathe. Making life harder and harder to live. My soul is corroding. I haven't enough strength to go on like this, but nor do I have the strength to leave.
Cal treats me like a possession. Like I am precious china or a priceless diamond. He expects me to stay in mint condition for him. He expects me to follow his rules, nod my head in agreement with every word that he says, and he expects me to give everything up for him. He sees me as this young, innocent, untouched girl who can't fight back. His power over me is hard to explain.
On the outside, it seems so easy for me to just run away if I wanted to, but the trouble is on the inside. It is his mental hold on me. He won't let me run away. He even gave me this terribly heavy engagement ring, as if he were hoping that would weigh me down so I wouldn't be able to leave. Therefore, his grip on my heart means nothing, as I have little to no feelings for him. It is my mind he had the most power over. Even now, I fear he can read my thoughts. It is like he knows that I am thinking about leaving him, leaving all of this. I can usually feel his eyes boring a hole into my back as he watches me in frightening silence.
Mother has put me in a horrible situation. Ever since father passed away and left us only an endless pile of debts hidden beneath our good family name, mother has been nearly unbearable. She is stricter and I don't even know her anymore. She keeps drilling into my head the importance that my marriage to Caledon Hockley weighs on our future, as far as our financial situation matters. She is no different than the rest of first class society. All of them walking around with their noses turned so high in the air.
I feel like I am standing on an unstable pedestal with my neck hanging in a noose. The rope keeps getting tighter and it rubs roughly against my throat. If I even move one inch in the direction I am not supposed to, I will be hung by the oppression hanging so thickly above my head. To leave this old life would be like suicide, for I would likely never survive out in the world alone. But I am alone, aren't I. I haven't a friend in the world to talk to. There is my maid, Trudy, but whenever I begin to open up a bit and confide in her, Mother comes along and tells her to go make tea or something.
I can't take this anymore. I am alone. I am empty. I am stuck. I need to break away from all of this or I swear I won't be able to live long. Whether I take my own life or I crumble under Cal's pressure, I won't last long.
I have to escape this life, but I don't know how. I may never know. Then I will be stuck here forever. I'll never get a taste of the world. The world that those who are free live. I want to be like those people who can marry who they want, do what they want, and feel like they have contributed to the world. I haven't worked for my life, everything has been handed to me. I have to break free. I must. But so far, I cannot find the strength to leave. To walk away into the clouds, to scatter the ashes of my old life to the wind. To shed my old life and start anew. But, it's only a dream. I am doomed to be Mrs. Caledon Hockley, and nobody can save me. Nobody can save me from this awful fate of the life I am supposed to lead, and most of all nobody can even save me from myself.
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