Disclaimer: Supernatural isn't mine.
AN: One-shot. Right after John's possession in DT. Dean Winchester has never been possessed. John and Dean's thoughts. Good!John.
Dean Winchester has never been possessed.
Both John and Sam have been possessed more times then Dean cares to remember, because the memories of those possessions come with memories of pain and fear and self-loathing, and he can only take so much of that.
He wonders, sometimes, why the supernatural choose the others in his family. He thinks it must be because they are special, and he is not. He thinks it must be because they don't realize that they could mess with him, but they can't touch those he love.
John Winchester wonders when his son gave up on himself. When he decided that his life was worth nothing compared to the lives of his family.
He wonders if it's his fault, and what he could have done to stop him from changing. Too many times stepping into the line of fire, too many times of risking his life, too many times of taunting demons and drawing attention and fire away from Sam and John and Dean has begun to believe that he really is worth less.
It shouldn't be this way. John is their father—John should be the one risking his life for the others, for his children.
Dean shouldn't be this close to dying for his family.
Dean should be fighting for himself, as well.
John knows why Dean has never been possessed.
There is something in Dean's eyes that show it, that show what Dean will never admit, never understand, never even realize.
Dean has the soul of his mother as well as her smile.
And Mary was pure.
Dean should be drowning, by now. He should be consumed by what he hunts, consumed by hate, or his own survival, or bitterness.
He hasn't been possessed because he radiates power and strength and resolve.
Mary had always been stronger than John. John had been stubborn, but Mary had a strength that almost frightened him.
Somehow, he knows that even her death was on her terms, for her children.
And Dean? Dean is so committed, so unbelievably determined when it comes to his family, that John thinks it must show, must shine itself out to the world. And when faced with that will, that unbreakable devotion, and that of John or Sam, then what demon would choose to face that? Better, by far, to pick a will weakened by anger or hate or simple lack of focus and turn that dedication, that devotion, that love back on Dean. Better to break him by using his increasingly careless attitude about himself. Better to hurt Dean the only way one can truly hurt him without hurting his family.
John wonders what Dean would turn into if Sam was ever killed. If that unwavering spirit would stay focused.
John wonders if Dean would destroy himself or the demon population first.
He hopes he never has the chance to find out.
John Winchester has been possessed, and he was possessed minutes ago and he almost killed his son. And he wonders what he can say, what he can do to make up for what has been said, and for all those years when not enough was said.
But he remembers that once again Dean was not the one possessed, and thinks that that must mean that there is still hope.
Dean Winchester would never say it, but he doesn't know what he would do if he were possessed. If he were to hurt John or Sam. If he were to lack even the ability to draw attention away.
He thinks, if he were to ever be possessed, it would kill him. He thinks he would rather die.
Dean Winchester has never been possessed by a demon, and that is because he is possessed by a need to protect his family at all costs.
It's a burden he wouldn't know how to live without, and a wall not even a demon can break.
John Winchester wonders whether it will save or destroy his son, and today, watching his son lies bleeding on the ground, he wonders whether the salvations or destruction of his son will lie in his hands or Sam's.
And thinks it ironic that the family Dean has always fought to save will almost undoubtedly be his downfall.