A/N: Hello again everybody! It's good to be back. Here's a fun one from me for a change. I'm taking a stab at comedy, and I hope I do ok. Let me know if I do or not, ok?.
I have to establish a few facts before we begin. This story takes place after the Third Hokage's death, and after Tsunade has been installed as 5th Hokage, and let's say Sasuke comes home of his own free will too ok? And because I had to "interview" male characters, let's pretend that Hayate is not dead. I think Raidou bit it somewhere along the line too, but for this story he's not dead either. I needed these two characters to have enough semi-recognizable men to "interview." You'll see what I mean. I've also taken a few liberties with the characters themselves - their personalities. Since two of them, we really don't know a whole lot about anyway, I've "bent" them to fit this story. Genma is a smart ass, Kotetsu is the "nice guy" who lives with Izumo, and Kakashi is very much Kakashi. I hope you like them.
Also, this is my first fanfic without lemons! Don't be disappointed, it's DRIPPING with inuendo, and reference to the horizontal hokey-pokey throughout the whole thing, but no official fruit will actually appear. Oh, and I will warn you, that these guys are frustrated and easily pissed off so there's quite a bit of language riddled throughout. It's not excessive, but you've been warned none the less.
So, with the customary statement saying, "I don't own Naruto or anything associated with it," except my own collection of manga and cards, let's get on with the show! I hope you enjoy it!
Normally they didn't hang around together much. Sure they knew each other, because they worked together, but socially, they didn't run "in the same circles." Unfortunately, their similar circumstances had caused them to be aware of each other, and they began to meet regularly to compare notes on their own situations.
They had practically started a new club. A "losers" club. Three lone men, newly christened members of said club. Not particularly losers, but their luck had been failing them – considerably – sinking them into deepening despair. All three wondered where they went wrong. What had they done to piss off the universe so badly that none of them had had a date in such a long time? Whatever it was, it wasn't ending any time soon. And they all knew it.
While sitting around the Konoha academy grounds, two of the "members" started talking about it again, trying to figure it all out.
Genma asked around the senbon he rolled around his mouth, "How long is it now?"
Kotetsu answered, "Five months."
Kotetsu turned and glared at him, "Do I look like I'm kidding. You know it's been that long."
"Yeah, you are. Just as "sorry" as my ass is. You're no better. How long has it been for you?"
"Not quite as long as you. Four months."
"Still a considerable amount of time to go dateless."
Genma began to pace. "What the hell is wrong with us? We never had this problem before? Chicks dug us!"
"Yeah! We were always a hit with the ladies!"
"But now they don't even look at us."
"Yeah and when they do,"
"It's almost like they're freaked out or something."
"Or worse, like we disgust them."
"Oh man, we are so fucked."
"Not so much anymore! Still, we need to figure out what the hell we have to do to get back in their good graces again."
Both men sighed and fell silent for a bit, looking around for the appearance of their "third" member. He usually met them about this time, always being late as was his habit. They saw him coming up the road to meet them.
"Yo," was all Kakashi said to them, his nose pressed firmly in the latest installment of his favorite Icha Icha series.
Genma and Kotetsu both gave him a very unceremonious, "hey."
Kakashi sat down, never taking his eyes off his book. The three losers sat there in silence, two of them looking around the academy grounds. Students were wandering about, instructors were loitering, and even Tsunade and Shizune were outside today. It was a gorgeous day and everyone seemed to be outside and happy, everyone, that is, except for the three members of the losers club.
Genma let out another big sigh, "It's so nice out today. Man, I'd love to be walking with a hot woman on my arm, showing her off to everyone. Breaking my losing streak in public."
"In your dreams," Kotetsu mumbled at him.
"Yeah, that's all I get anymore, dream girls."
"At least you get that. That frigging Izumo keeps bringing his girlfriend home and I have to HEAR what they're doing all the time. The walls are thin man, I'm telling you! I am one frustrated ninja!"
Kakashi poked his nose around the side of his book and looked at Kotetsu and said, "You don't say?"
Kotetsu said, "Somehow I knew that'd get your attention, perv."
Kakashi just said, "Huh," and went back to his reading.
Genma finally said, "This is getting ridiculous. I'm dreaming about women, you're hearing women, but not getting any yourself, and you," he said pointing at Kakashi, "I don't know what the hell you're doing, but this dry spell has got to end. Pretty soon the women of this village are going to think there's something REALLY wrong with us, and they won't EVER date us." Kotetsu looked at him with a bit of fear in his eyes, and Kakashi peeked around the side of his book at him. Genma had struck a nerve with his two fellow members.
Kotetsu said, "Well then what the hell do you suggest we do? We've tried just about everything."
Genma thought a minute and then said, "There are other guys around here who are getting dates. I mean creepy guys like Ibiki – hell he's dated two different girls this week – he brags about it all over the academy. The dude's got scars man, scars enough to make you want to puke, and he's getting dates with hot girls!"
Kotetsu said, "I heard him mentioning dates too! No way. That guy freaks ME out."
Genma continued, "Yeah, you'd think girls would be terrified of him, not only from the way he looks, but for God's sake the man is a professional torturer!"
"I guess he's attracting girls who are into S&M or something," Kotetsu said. Kakashi's eyes wandered to Kotetsu and took note of his mention of S&M, and then went back to his reading.
Genma said, "I don't care what kind of girls they are, they're girls! Females of the species! And that freak of nature dated two of them this week! Come on, we're good looking guys, what are we doing wrong?"
Kotetsu said, "I don't know, but obviously Ibiki's doing something right. And guess what I heard. I heard that Ebisu's been sniffing around Shizune! No shit! Here I am thinking he's a snobby little closet pervert or something, and he's after Tsunade's assistant. The balls he must have. She'd eat him alive."
"If he's lucky."
Kotetsu said, "So these guys, guys who are no match for us,"
"None whatsoever," Genma agreed.
"Are out there dating women, and we three fine examples of mankind are sitting around dateless all the time. I just don't get it."
Genma said, "And none of us ever will at the rate we're going. Kakashi, you've been very quiet today. Put the book down and help us figure this out."
Kakashi knew that he wasn't going to make it to his next chapter if he didn't help his fellow members out. He himself had been victim of the same "dry spell" and was having a bit of a problem finding a girl to go out with too. He figured if he ever wanted to finish the book he was reading, he'd have to play this little game with them, and maybe find a solution to all their problems. After he cleared his throat, Kakashi began,
"Gentlemen, we are obviously not doing something right. I myself have not had a decent date in seven months." Genma and Kotetsu grimaced at him with bulging eyes. He continued, "Yes, I know that's quite a shock, and it's quite a shock for me too. I can't remember when I went this long without . . . female companionship. But there is evidence that the other men of the village are having no problem whatsoever with the ladies which means two things: 1.They're doing something right and 2. We're not. Therefore, I have come up with a brilliant plan." He waited and looked at their faces, their eager eyes looked back at him like he was some kind of super brilliant genius.
Genma practically shouted at him, "What Kakashi, tell us!"
Kotetsu agreed, "Please, what do we do!"
Kakashi closed his eyes and smiled behind his mask and said, "We ask their advice."
Both Kotetsu and Genma looked a little stunned and Kotetsu said, "What? Why? What the hell Kakashi? That's some brilliant plan?"
Kakashi looked at him and said, "You got a better one?"
Kotetsu looked at Genma and they both shrugged. Kakashi was right. They needed some advice on what the ladies in Konoha were looking for these days, and the best way to find out was to ask the guys who were getting those ladies.
Genma said, "OK, where do we start."
Kakashi said, "We need to make a list of whom we want to ask. Guys we work with who are actively, successfully dating. Not just men who are dating the same woman all the time, but also men who are dating multiple women. We need to find out what they are doing to keep them happy."
Kotetsu said, "I'd be happy just finding out how to get them interested in the first place."
Kakashi pointed at him and said, "Good point. We'll start there. But first, we need a list."
Genma said, "Ok, write this down Kakashi. We already have two successful men to ask, Ibiki and Ebisu."
Kotetsu said, "Right! And Hayate's been dating an Anbu woman for a long time now, we should ask him too."
Genma said, "Good, good. Who else? Asuma's always had good luck with the ladies."
Kotetsu said, "Dude that guy's a frigging horse. He's probably hung like one too."
Genma looked at him and said, "Did you need to say that? That's an image I did not need in my head thank you. Come on focus! Put Asuma on the list Kakashi."
Kakashi just grunted and wrote down Asuma's name.
Genma said, "Iruka. Yeah, put him down. I think he's dating someone too. He'd be a good resource. Now, who else. . ."
Kotetsu said, "Raidou's seeing someone. Put him down."
Genma said, "What about Izumo. Can we ask him?"
Kotetsu said, "No way, I couldn't let him know how pathetic I really am. Let's skip him."
Genma agreed, "Alright, we'll skip him. This list is getting pretty long anyway. How many more?"
"Just a few. We've got a good variety of people right now." Kotetsu stopped for a minute, and smiled so big that his almond shaped eyes got very thin. He looked right at Kakashi, who felt him looking at him, but didn't raise his head from the list he was making. Kotetsu looked over at Genma and motioned at him to hold on a second. Genma nodded and watched as Kotetsu said very matter of factly, "Put Gai on the list."
Kakashi's face snapped up and looked at him and he said, "NO! Absolutely not! I won't ask Gai for advice on anything! No fucking way you'll get me to do it."
Kotetsu very calmly and quietly said again, "Put Gai on the list."
Kakashi was a little panic stricken at just the thought of asking his life long rival for advice on his love life. He said, "You're not going to let this drop are you?"
Kotetsu said, "Nope."
Kakashi said, "I won't do it. You two will have to do it. There's no way. He'll ruin me! It'll blow my winning streak if he thinks he's beating me in the love department. You two do it and let me know what he says."
Genma decided to let Kakashi off the hook, "Ok, calm yourself. Put your eye back in its socket. You're starting to make me nervous, so just settle down. We'll take care of it." Kakashi immediately became himself again.
The three were quiet for a few minutes, their brains buzzing with activity trying to think if there were any other men in the village who were successfully dating, or at least saying they were, and who were also approachable. Kakashi looked up and said, "I know this is going to sound crazy, but what the hell. Let's ask Jaraiya."
The other two members looked at him with shock and Genma shouted, "What, that letch? You've got to be kidding! He gets turned down more than we do!"
Kakashi said, "True, but you've never seen him in action outside the village. I've seen him. It's frightening. He gets these young girls to follow him around. I'm not kidding. I don't know what he does to get them interested, but I think we should ask him anyway."
Kotetsu said, "Alright, put him on the list. Who've we got?"
Kakashi read the list: "Ibiki, Ebisu, Hayate, Asuma, Iruka, Raidou, the Green Goblin, I mean Gai, and Jaraiya. Eight in all. If we don't find some enlightenment or at least some ideas from these guys, we might as well hang it up."
Genma said, "Alright. When do we start?"
Kotetsu said, "I'd say right now, but how about we think of what we want to ask tonight and we start tomorrow. Any objections?" Genma and Kakashi shook their heads "no."
Kakashi said, "Tomorrow it is. Any preference with who we start with?"
Kotetsu said, "I know Ibiki's going to be in town tomorrow. Wanna start with him?"
Genma said, "I thought he freaked you out."
"Yeah, that's part of the reason I want to get him out of the way first."
Kakashi said, "OK it's decided. We start with Ibiki tomorrow. Meet here at 3:00."
The three members of the losers club then disbanded their meeting and went to their respective homes to think of just what the hell they were going to ask Ibiki, without making him laugh himself to death at their dateless lameness.
A/N: And we're off! Just what are these three going to ask Ibiki? Next chapter will tell. I hope you like it so far. Please review if you do! Lots more to come.
Next up: The three members ask Ibiki for advice, they take it, two embarrass themselves, one gets slightly injured. See you soon!