Remus "Moony" Lupin is good at many things. He's able to memorize challenging spells, difficult definitions, and obscure muggle lyrics in a heartbeat. He's good at the whole shy-boy-who-never-went-on-date-in-his-life act, considering it's his life. And he's particularly good at avoiding people who he has an attraction to. What he's not good at, however, is the whole subtlety, "come-and-get-me" behaviour. He doesn't understand it, nor does he want to understand it. He never needed to know how to use his waifish boy charms, or how to make his hair look dirty but not too dirty, or how to let his pants get low enough for someone to actually tell he has something underneath them.
Sirius Black is a constant reminder of how completely estranged from pop culture Moony is. As opposed to Moony, Sirius knows exactly what to do with his hair to make it flip, and the appropriate place to keep the waistband of your jeans, and most importantly he knew how to do that thing where he lets his tongue run across his lower lip when he knows you're attracted to him. Moony didn't idolize him, or want to be him. He just really, really, really wanted to slam him up against a wall (or any hard object, really) and snog the living daylights out of him.
However, slamming one's mate against a wall and snogging them is not exactly socially acceptable. Besides, Moony was straight.
Kind of. Sort of. Technically.
Given, Moony never really had a crush on any particular girl, nor did he ever get that fluttery-somersault-y feeling James was constantly talking about. He felt nervous and awkward around girls, sure, but he felt the same way around his grandmother, and he was pretty sure he wasn't harbouring any secret desires for her. And, yes, he sometimes got a little short of breath when he talked to (or mentioned, or thought of, or glanced at) Sirius, but that didn't mean he liked Sirius. Because that would mean that Moony was bisexual, or worse… gay. And that would just be bad for everyone.
So since he was thirteen, Moony's been in denial about his sexuality, and has tried to tell himself that he was asexual. He didn't like anyone. He has absolutely no sexual thoughts or desires from anyone of the opposite gender, and especially not from the same gender. None at all.
So when Sirius walks into the common room, pants hanging dangerously low, shirt all dirtied and sweaty from late night Quidditch practice, hair clinging to his face, Moony is not at all attracted to him and completely uninterested.
"Oi, Moony, do me a favour, will you?" Sirius asks, slurring his words sleepily.
Moony shrugs. "Yes?"
"Rub my shoulders for me? Please?"
Moony freezes. Rub Sirius' shoulders? As in… touch them?
"…Please?" he asks, plopping down on the couch in front of Moony. He's begun to take his shirt off, and bloody hell, Moony is having difficulty breathing… But only because he is asexual and this is too sexual for him, not because he's gay or something and completely turned on. Because he isn't gay or turned on.
Moony is about to say no, but then Sirius turns around and looks at him with an expression of utmost innocence with wide eyes that seem to beg for a backrub, and Moony surrenders.
"Uh, yeah, sure, alright."
"Brilliant!" Sirius replies with a grin, shrugging his shirt off the rest of the way.
Alright. This is going to be easy peasy lemon squeezy, Moony tells himself. He's just going to put his hands on Sirius' bare shoulders, and rub once or twice, and then he'll tell Sirius that he should go to bed, and then it will be all over and done with. Exactly. And with a deep breath, he puts his hands on Sirius'… silky smooth, soft skin. It feels like satin underneath his fingertips and he grins slightly as he brushes against a small birthmark on his back. And then Moony realizes he's enjoying this entirely too much and that he should be put in a mental institution because the things he's thinking clearly prove his insanity. Within five minutes, he's imagined sixteen different scenarios of how he and Sirius will, eventually, end up shagging on the common room couch (even though he's not entirely sure how two guys would go about doing that, anyway.) He quickly removes his hands.
"…Mate?" Sirius asks, probably wondering why Moony hasn't started the whole backrub thing yet.
Moony gulps. "Uh, yeah, you see… I don't know how to give backrubs."
Sirius shakes his head. "Impossible. You've given some to me before!"
Before you got incredibly hot and I realized that I may have some slight imbalance in my brain causing me to think you were attractive, Moony adds silently. "Yes, but... I don't think I'm good at it anymore…" he says out loud.
Sirius turns around and pouts once more. Moony's hands are on his back immediately, and Sirius grins and turns back around.
Moony isn't sure what he's doing, but whatever it is, it probably doesn't constitute as 'massaging.' It was more like awkwardly grabbing and groping and slight pinching and not letting his fingers touch one place for too long. He does something – he's not quite sure what it is, exactly – but it causes Sirius to moan a deep, guttural sound, and Moony nearly falls off the couch in shock.
"…What was that sound?" he asks carefully, not entirely sure he even wants to know. Sirius is quiet, and Moony swears he can hear muffled laughter, but he continues to rub his shoulders. He doesn't know why, but it's hypnotizing, and he finds it difficult to stop. Sirius' skin is just so soft, and Moony briefly considers asking him what kind of lotion he uses but at the last minute decides against it, figuring the question is too weird even for him.
Sirius moans again, and Moony finds it difficult to ignore the way the sound affects his heart rate. "Sirius… Stop that."
"Stop what?" Sirius asks innocently, only after moaning once more.
Moony scowls. "That… That sound you're making. Stop it."
"Mate, I have no idea what you're talking about. But whatever you were just doing… Do it again."
"Oh, no, no, no. If you're going to keep making sounds like that, I…"
Sirius turns around with an arrogant smirk plastered on his face. "You won't be responsible for your actions? You'll snog me?"
Moony's eyes widen as he wonders if maybe Sirius is psychic, but then Sirius is laughing hysterically and Moony realizes he was just joking. Moony gets off the couch and begins to walk to his dorm, silently fuming as Sirius follows.
"Oh, come on, mate! Lighten up!" he says, still chuckling slightly. "Oh, you're not actually mad, are you?"
"Go to bed, Sirius," Moony mutters, stomping up the stairs, entering the dorm, slamming the door behind him and jumping right into bed. He knows Sirius must be confused and he knows it's not Sirius' fault for being so bloody beautiful and making him forget to breathe, but for the time being Moony finds it easier to blame someone else for the way he feels rather than put the blame on himself.
A few seconds later Moony hears a light knock on the door, and Moony doesn't even have to ask who it is or say 'don't come in' because he knows it's fruitless- he's been friends with Sirius long enough to know that he'll come in even when he's not invited or needed or wanted. What Moony hates is that Sirius seems to know that Moony is always inviting, needing, and wanting him.
"Mate? Are you okay?" he asks, because of course Sirius has entered by now and is sitting on the bed practically on top of Moony. Moony can practically smell him: a mix of cologne, grime, and sweat. And Moony has never known much about biology but he's sure that the scent has something to do with the rush of hormones running through his body.
No, Moony isn't okay. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Just, y'know, tired."
Sirius nods slowly, and Moony looks away. He doesn't want to look at him anymore, because every glance is making him sadder and sadder, though his mind hasn't figured out why yet.
"I was just joking, you know," Sirius says, and that hurts because it just makes him feel like a big fool. He almost would cry, if it didn't seem stupid, because apparently to Sirius, everything he's feeling is a joke.
"Yeah, I know," Moony nearly whispers back, turning his back to Sirius.
Sirius nudges him with his foot. "Come on. Talk to me. I know you're not this upset over a silly joke." Another poke. Another prod. "Come on. Tell me. Telllll me."
"I'm not upset about anything, Sirius. I mean, what is there to be upset about? You were joking about me wanting to snog you. Ha, ha, ha. Really funny, really amusing," Moony nearly growls, turning back around to look at him. "There's nothing wrong. And now I'm going to sleep." He even closes his eyes to punctuate this fact.
"Why? Do you?"
Moony doesn't have to ask 'do I what?' because he's able to figure it out easily enough: Do you really want to snog me?
Another poke, another prod.
"Come on, Moony. Just answer my question."
This is suddenly taking a weird turn and it's almost like watching one of those muggle horror movies – you don't want to look, and yet you can't help it, you're too caught up in the drama and the background music is blaring and you're screaming 'don't open the door! Don't open the door!'
Don't open your eyes, don't open your eyes!
Sirius' face is right next to his, he can tell, because suddenly there's a hot breeze by his mouth and Moony finds it difficult to keep pretend-sleeping. So he opens his eyes.
Bad move, bad move, bad move!
Because one look into those beautiful pools of his, and he's drowning, and he doesn't remember what his story is supposed to be. Is he gay or what? Bisexual, straight, asexual, what's the story we're sticking to here????
"Yes," he mumbles, so quietly he's not even sure Sirius can hear him.
But Sirius can hear him, of course, because nothing ever works the way Moony plans.
"Then do it, Moony."
Moony's head is spinning. Wait, do what now? Did Sirius just say what Moony thought he said? Is Sirius telling Moony to kiss him? Is he serious? Is he just joking, like before? Is he waiting for Moony to close his eyes and pucker up, just to then laugh it off?
Sirius can tell Moony is confused, so he tries again. "Kiss me, Moony."
And Moony opens his mouth to try to defend himself – no, wait, what? I don't want to snog you, I was just kidding, ha, see I can joke too! – but Sirius lets out a semi-annoyed groan and leans into Moony, crashing his lips into his and smiling slightly as Moony lets out a weird moan-type noise much like Sirius did before. And Moony feels like he's flying, and he feels like there's a burden being lifted off his chest for the first time since third year. And then eventually they break away after Merlin-knows how long, and they're gasping for breath because they'd forgotten it was necessary to breathe. Sirius rests his forehead on Moony's and smiles while snaking his arm around Moony's body.
"All you ever had to do was tell me you wanted to kiss me, Moony," Sirius whispers in between a few light butterfly kisses on Moony's face. "That's all you ever had to do. I didn't know you wanted me to."
Moony shrugs. "I was straight last week," he says pathetically, and Sirius smiles.
"You were never straight, Moony. You always were gay for me. I was just waiting for you to figure it out."
And then he gets under the covers with Moony again, kissing him until neither of them can remember their names.