-1Set before John's return for Dead Man's Blood, Salvation and Devils Trap. Sam's fears about the Demons plans for him cause him to take drastic measures when he begins to contemplate who he really is…
The Blood In My Veins
Everything was quiet, and the silence was to much for Sam Winchester to bare as he rose to his feet in the small dust covered motel room and reached over flipping on the television. The Winchester's latest hunt had brought them to Union Connecticut , another small speck on the map, another shit-splat town with nothing to do….
Dean, of course, had managed to find the only bar with in a hundred mile radius and was currently out on the town having a few cold ones, and Sam guessed probably trying to sweet talk some poor unsuspecting local into a fun and frisky night of passion.
Which meant Sam was alone, and was more then likely to remain that way until the sun was nearly about to rise again.
Looking over at the clock Sam glared at the bright red numbers, it was only 12:17, he knew he would not be sleeping for at least another two hours or so.
So here he sat.
Sam hated to be alone these days.
Because being alone meant there were no distractions.
Distractions from the only thing he couldn't run away from.
Distractions from himself.
And from his thoughts.
Sam Winchester was not like other men his age, at just barely 23 years old, he had lived the life of men three times his senior and seen things that most people only saw in their worst nightmares. That however was only a small part of what separated him from the rest of the world…
Sam, was 'special' Sam was 'chosen'.
Shifting his head to the side his eyes landed on the small mini fridge inside of the motel room and slowly he rose to his feet making his way over to it and opening it.
Inside he found exactly what he was hoping for, small bottles of amber liquid staring back at him comfortingly, calling to him, willing and ready to numb his thoughts. He needed to escape, and if he couldn't do it physically then he would have to settle for mentally.
Clasping a few of the bottles in his grasp he kicked the fridge door shut and made his way back to the bed lowering himself down on to it and leaning back on the pillows. He unscrewed the first top and put the bottle to his lips.
It slid smoothly down his throat burning his insides and offering small amounts of pain, pain that to Sam was a welcomed sensation, pain that in the young man's mind was a sign of humanity. Humanity that more then once these past few months he had feared was slipping from him.
As the minutes trickled by and turned into an hour and then two, the number of small bottles at Sam's side increased along with his intoxication level…
But still the numb happy feeling he had expected to consume him never came.
He was still lonely.
He was still depressed.
He was still fearful.
Only now he was also drunk.
Tossing the last empty bottle down beside him he sighed and sat up a little ignoring the spinning of the walls around him as he closed his eyes.
"Sam" an all to familiar voice called to him.
His eyes opened as quickly as they had shut and he looked around the room his blurred vision searching frantically.
The room was empty.
Sam cursed under his breath and rubbed his forehead with his palm squeezing his eyes shut again, "just lemme alone." He begged even though he knew it was useless to do so…. After all you couldn't run from yourself.
"Oh Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, what would Jess say if she saw you like this? What would she think about you if she knew the truth…. How would she react to the knowledge that her boyfriend is some sort of freak?"
"Shut UP!" the tortured man begged into the still and silent air surrounding him.
"You could of saved her you know…. If you had accepted your life, if you had fallowed your destiny and stopped trying to pretend you were like everyone else… Because your not…. You're never going to be…. You know that don't you?"
"please…." Sam brought his knees to his chest and buried his head in them…
"You killed her… "
"Eventually you are going to kill them all, you do know that don't you? Everyone you love, everyone whose close to you? Your brother, your father, your going to watch them die and it will be your fault, at your hands…. "
"Your girlfriend, your mother, even that poor kid Max, they all died because of you…Your not worth it, hell your not even human, your some kind of freak of nature, a demon in human flesh…"
"Disgusting…. Murderous… Freak…."
Inside Sam's head, his thoughts were spinning as he felt tears beginning to fall down his cheeks… He knew it was the truth. A truth he couldn't hide from, a truth he couldn't escape.
He had destroyed everyone that he loved, his destiny was destruction… He wasn't like everyone else… He wasn't human, he was a freak, a monster, a demon…. Just like those he hunted.
He was no better….
His heart began to pound hard in his chest the realization hitting him like a ton of bricks resting on his shoulders as he opened his eyes again.
He could hear the blood rushing through his veins.
It wasn't human.
He wasn't human, his visions, his abilities, his powers, weren't those of flesh and blood.
He was a spawn from the depths of hell, and he deserved nothing more then to return there..
He felt heavy, his limbs weighing a ton as he climbed up off the bed wiping his eyes with the back of his hand forcefully his unsteady legs making their way across the room to a small duffel bag in the corner. He had no right to cry, not a single tear to shed….
He only had to search for a second before his fingers clasped around the long thin object and he pulled it out eyeing it with as much joy as fear…
Salvation would so be his…. He would lift the burden from his shoulders and the shoulders of those around him…Those who loved him.
Making his way to the small adjoining bathroom he caught his reflection in the mirror and set the knife down on the marble countertop taking a minute to study the eyes staring back at him.
Someone…. No Something…
He no longer recognized. He brought his hand up to the face in the mirror and ran shaking fingers along it.
It looked human, it looked real, and almost lost….
Slowly he slid down to the cool tiles of the bathroom floor the image before his eyes changing from a man he no longer knew to the brown nothingness of a hotel cabinet.
"That's a good boy…" His bone chilling thoughts once again began to echo in the back of his mind as he picked up the object he had been carrying before and held tightly to it.
"It will all be over soon… You're doing them a favor… Saving them from your destiny, before you destroy them too…."
Tears again found there way into the confused and terrified man's eyes as he swallowed hard, this time he didn't even bother to wipe them away as he blinked through hazed vision at the shining silver metal in his grasp before pressing it to his flesh.
"Dean will forgive me…" He whispered barely audible, "I'm nothing…. I have to save him, save them…"
The knife slid with ease down his wrist, cutting deep.
Pain. Rewarding, justified pain engulfed him.
His lips trembled as he watched the blood begin to flow freely from his self inflicted wound.
Blood rich and red pouring mercilessly from his body.
"No…" He mumbled tilting his head back against the wall that was propping him up, "Demon blood….My blood."
"Oh what a night…." Dean smirked pushing his way through the door and into the small motel room.
His words died off on his lips when he took note that his brother was no where to be found, spotting the pile of empty liquor bottles on the bed he frowned a little, "Sammy?"
Sam's head shifted slightly toward the sound of Dean's voice only feet away and he cursed inwardly against his scattered thoughts as he fought to re-grip the knife…. He had to finish this…. It had to be done..
"What's the matter kiddo you drink to m-" Dean's heart sank immediately to his feet as he appeared at the bathroom door and looked in.
There was his brother, his entire world, sprawled out on the bathroom floor, his head propped against the wall and sagging down to his chest, fingers still gripping their father's antique hunting knife.
Sam was staring blankly at the crimson river evacuating his body, blinking slow and steadily…. The only indication that he was still alive.
"Oh god Sammy…." The older man cried out as he took a step in and dropped to his knees, immediately prying the knife from his brother's hand.
"Dean….?" Sam's voice sounded distant and detached, he didn't even bother to look up, "Whose blood is this?"
Dean blinked a few times trying to remind himself to breath as he reached up and grabbed a towel from the rack wrapping his brother's wrist as tightly as he could and applying pressure to it, holding it, cradling it to his chest… "What the hell were you doing?" He forced his brother to a sitting position against the wall checking his color and his pupils trying to assess how much blood he had lost.
"Whose blood is this?" Sam asked again using his free hand to run along the pool of red now bathing the bathroom tiles.
"What?" Dean felt his already overwhelming panic continue to grow inside of him at the brokenness in his brother's question, at the pleading sadness in his voice. "It's your blood Sammy… Don't you remember?"
"No." Only now did Sam turn to face his brother, his eyes red as tears still flew silently from them spilling down his cheeks. "Whose blood is in my veins???"
Dean's heart broke as his gaze met his brother's, he was no longer looking at a grown man… A warrior, a hunter…
Sam was 10 years old again, fear and uncertainty written across his face, etched deeply into his features as his puppy dog brown eyes begged for answers ripping into Dean's soul like daggers. Pleading with him to make everything okay again.
"Sam what are you talking about huh?" Dean tried to remain as calm as possible even though this whole situation was scaring him worse then any demon he had ever faced or any hunt he had ever been on.
"I'm a monster…" Sam whispered his chin trembling again, "A demon, this is demon blood…. "
"No Sam." Dean shook his head defiantly.
"I killed them, I destroyed them…This isn't human…. I'm not human…"
"Sam…" Dean sighed softly, why had he not seen it, why had he not been more observant, how could he not have known his brother was this broken. "No."
Sam cast his eyes downward finding the vision of his blood spilled free from his body once again mesmerizing his shoulders slumping.
Dean reached over and lifted the younger man's chin carefully locking eyes with him, he could see the tired helpless soul deep inside his brother, he could see the pain and the agony, the hurt and the suffering, and he wished there was a way he could protect him from himself.
"Your not a demon, you're my brother…" He spoke matter of factly, "Your blood is my blood… Winchester blood…."
"But- I killed them… Evil.. Evil is inside me, I can feel it…."
"You didn't kill anyone Sammy, there is no evil in you man, you can't even kill a bug without feeling remorse…."
"I just wanna be numb…."
Dean wished he had all the answers, he wished he was young again and that 'because I said so' was the answer to everything, and the only answer Sammy needed to feel safe and secure…
But he wasn't… And as much as he wanted to fix this, as much as he wanted to make things alright…. He just couldn't anymore.
With a loud exhale the older man slid down beside his brother and leaned back against the wall, tilting his head back before glancing over at the man next to him. "That's not the way life works…."
"I just…I don't want to feel alone anymore…."
Dean's heart tightened a little at those words, he knew that losing Jessica had left a hole inside his brother that might never be filled again… But he also knew that was more to that simple statement then just Jess, that it ran deeper and more painful then that.
"You're not alone, no matter what you might think…. I'm right here with you, just like I've always been, saving your ass and protecting you, from whatever comes along…."
Sam let a soft smile come to his lips only for a second, sometimes he felt empty, sometimes he felt cold,…
He glanced toward the man next to him.
But there was always someone there to pull him back again. Someone to remind him who he really was when he himself didn't remember.
Dean smirked and sat up a little, "You ever pull a stunt like this again and I'll kill you. Now lets get you cleaned up."