advep The Adventures of Epoch, rewrite

By Kat Dalton

Last time I left off, our resident warlock Magus had returned to 600ad by mistake. A freak accident invoked the emergence of a strange alternate personality, one that was sweet, gentile, hospitable, and selfless, and had no memory of the years of his life when he was a menace. The transformation was authentic, convincing Frog that Magus was no longer a hazard, especially when he saw Magus's angelic creation, the Poyozo Palace. The people of Guardia didn't place much trust in him, until an attack under Ozzie's lead and Magus's brave intervention and rescue of a family held hostage convinced the public otherwise. However, Magus's state was not to last forever, and sadly, another bump on the head sent Magus back to his former state, with absolutely no recollection of his better days.

Frog, during this time, was partly unsure of Magus's state, and requested the help of Crono, Marle, and Lucca, who rushed to 600ad. Unfortunately, they left the Epoch unguarded. It was stolen by Ozzie and his two assistants, Flea and Slash.

And thus, as the three set off into time, with absolutely no idea of where they were going, or how to use the machine that they were in.


"SAVE ME!!!"

Ozzie, Flea, and Slash were cruising in the Epoch, going at speeds so fast that they were almost crushed against their seats. They flew down a long tunnel of swirling shades of blue. Bolts of blue that resembled lightning buffeted the Epoch as it soared through the strange wormhole. Suddenly, the Epoch left the tunnel of blue, and started shaking violently and spinning out of control.

"WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!" Flea screamed.

"SOMEBODY HIT ANOTHER BUTTON!" Slash yelled, as he drew his knees into his chest to protect himself.

Ozzie started punching any button that seemed to light up. Through the clear window they could see an array of colors and shapes shooting toward them. Suddenly, as soon as it had started, the shaking stopped. They started cruising at normal speed down what seemed like a long hallway. At their sides, they saw scenes of jumbled messes that made absolutely no sense. They saw themselves, their allies, their enemies, their families, their friends, and even their pets, in all different forms, doing all different things. They heard languages and saw texts that were so complex and some so simple, but none were understandable. After a few seconds of these odd sights, they landed on something that actually seemed familiar, a soft patch of grass.

As they looked around, they found themselves in a strange yard, near a large, putrid yellow house and matching garage. A white table with an umbrella and matching yard chairs were blown over by the force of the landing. Various sized sports balls bounced over the wooden fence that separated the yard from other yards. Potted plants were thrown, spilling onto the concrete portion of the backyard.

A red stoop made of bricks with a black fence at the top stood next to the house, providing a series of stairs that led up to a back doorway from the side of the house. A young girl of about sixteen ran out of the house and jumped four feet down onto the driveway below, rather than going the normal path down the stairs.

"Who d'hell d'you think you are, runnin' to my yard like this, huh?"

"We go wherever we wish." Flea said haughtily. With a swing of his hips and a flash of his hand, he cast a small blue heart-shaped flame into the air and sent it over to the girl. She almost dodged it, but it nabbed her right arm, just below her elbow.

"OWWW! SHIT! What'd you do that for?"

Flea looked at the girl in awe. He had summoned a simple spell that he had used hundreds of time before, calling upon the Fire element of their planet. Strangely, his power had little effect upon her.

"Flea, I don't think we're in our world anymore..." Ozzie whispered.

"That... that spell... it should have been larger... much larger..."

"YOU ASSHOLE! THAT STUNG LIKE A BITCH!" The girl yelled, uttering random expletives as she nursed the wound on her arm. She looked up at the three, who stood silent, and started to approach them.

With each stride she took, the three moved backward, until they filed into the Epoch. She suddenly noticed the shape of the machine, its texture, and color...

"No way... I knew you guys looked familiar... that ship... its the ship..."

The Epoch began to hover, as Ozzie, Flea, and Slash took off above the house, and into oblivion.


By then, the three were long gone.


They sailed in the air soaring above the strange place, looking at the strange houses, each with strange little wheeled boxes sitting in the front. The entire landscape was separated into blocks, giving the three a strange feeling of conformity among this strange civilization. They knew they weren't home anymore.

They tried stopping in front of people, to ask where they were, but each query brought on a barrage of curses and obscene gestures by the townspeople. The younger members seemed to speak strange words that seemed to be English, and yet they were not understood. It was then, while soaring down a strange street full of little moving boxes and stores, Flea noticed a strange little building.

"Bank of New York?"

"NEW YORK?" Slash exclaimed. "I thought this place only existed on television!"

"I suppose not, folks." Ozzie replied, calmly. "We're in true blue New York State. I could tell by the accents."

"So where do we go from here?" Flea asked.

"Wherever this bucket of bolts takes us." Ozzie replied sternly, as he set the machine to fly in a singular direction at its fastest speed.

"Can we stop by a store? I need to refresh my cover-up. I can't go on without my looks!"

"Could you quiet up, you priss? You're getting annoying!"

After a while of flying, the three came upon a thick patch of forest. Assuming that the area was enclosed and safe from intruders, they descended to the ground to land. It was then that they moved to explore land on foot.

* * *

"EPOCH!" Lucca screamed.

"It's gone…" said Marle, drearily.

Crono hummed a sad tune. A soft breeze blew through the clearing in the forest, where they all stood, scared… the Epoch had just been taken from the foot of Denadoro Mountain, leaving Crono, Marle, and Lucca stranded in 600AD.

"Lucca, how might we get it back?" asked Frog.

"Well, how can we trace the Epoch's movements through the time-space continuum? It's relatively impossible! And to even follow them… well, we can't do that since we no longer have a time machine!"

"Lucca, did you notice how odd Epoch looked when it engaged? Its was almost as if it wasn't going through time! The gate was… different… the sounds were strange… and what about all those radical colors?" asked Marle.

"I thought that was strange. But if it weren't going through time, where would it go?"

"Dimension travel." Magus said grimly, his arms crossed against his chest. His face was tired and angry, knowing that the annoying teenagers would thus spend their time in HIS time period… which was the last thing he needed.

"Huh?" questioned everyone else, unknowing about travels through dimensions.

"I tend to watch a lot of television… I was brought up watching Sliders…"

"What's 'Sliders'? What is a television?" asked Marle.

"It's a small invention with a little screen, and you cant watch these shows—"

"From another dimension, eh, Magus? Tis where you get your evil strengths?" asked Frog.

The four, Crono, Marle, Lucca, and Frog, all stared at Magus, as he suddenly withdrew.

"What?" he asked, innocently.

"Alright," said Lucca, "that solves the problem of traveling dimensions if Magus can do it—"


"Shut up. Now we just have to figure out how to travel time…" Lucca said.

"We're still lost." Said Marle.

Crono suddenly had an idea. He started flailing his arms wildly, trying to get attention, with nobody responding.

"Well, perhaps we could use the gates… I still have the gate key." Lucca said.

"We killed Lavos. It lent power to the gates… without it, the gates are unstable. The key is useless." Said Marle.

Crono flailed and bleated loudly, still trying to get attention. He started pounding on a tree, grabbing the branches, trying to shake them, to make any noise possible, but got no reply.

"What about another Epoch? We could go back, and ask our old selves to borrow the Epoch." Said Marle.

"We haven't a method of returning there." Frog said.

Crono held his breath and turned red, clenching his fists with a restless fury.

"Another Epoch! Lucca, do you think you can manage to build another Epoch?" Frog asked.

"It'll be way too complicated, and I won't have Belthasar's plans, but I could try… and I'd need help, from someone… maybe Robo…"

Crono started stomping on the ground. He stomped toward Magus, who had rested himself against a tree, away from the annoyance of the others. Crono suddenly pulled him into a headlock. Frog turned toward them, and started laughing.

"Tis me turn next, Crono!" said Frog.

Magus grabbed Crono by the hair and flipped him over his shoulder, flinging him into a tree with his magic. Crono fell out cold onto the moss below.

"Hey Lucca… didn't you research humanoid robots?" asked Marle.

"You're right! I can try to build one?"

"And what of the runt?" Magus asked, rubbing his sore neck.

"Leave him, he doesn't like being bothered when he sleeps." Lucca said, giggling.

* * *

"What the hell is this? There's so many humans!" Slash exclaimed.

The three happened upon a large clearing packed with thousands of people. There were large, strange machines and vehicles, and tents stationed all over the plain. Horrible squeals and cries and rough sounds were projected into their ears. In the distance, they could see a strange stage, with blurry figures jumping all over it. To try and gather on where they were located, Ozzie, Flea, and Slash decided to walk into one of the tents. They happened to find a group of drunken, sweaty, partially naked men of all shapes and sizes, relaxing and laughing with each other. They had been part of the show.

"What do we have here?" said one of them, who had shaved short hair and sat in his nude, as he strummed a funky tune on a bass guitar.

"Tis a boonch of bloody montstahs! Freaking monstahs!" said another one, with long hair, adorned in black, with his nails painted equally black, his fingers covered with strange jewelry.

A third man, the only other in the tent, grunted. He had a long, thick, black mane of curly hair that covered his entire face. Only a strange burning stick showed through it. On top was a large black hat with metal spirals on it.

"Who're you guys?" asked Slash.

"We're a boonch of fricking puhfoamahs, can't ya see that?" said the man with the nail polish, as he played with one of his rings.

"I've never seen jesters this cute, Ozz." Flea said.

"What?" asked the large man with the chicken, seeming to acknowledge Flea.

"I said Ozz, not big fat idiot, you slimy dolt!" Flea said.

"My name is Ozz, you freaking fairy! Bugger off, you little queer, before I call me bodyguards!"

"Ozzie, these guys are familiar… I think we've seen them all before…" Slash whispered into his rotund master's ear.

"His name is Ozzie too…" Ozzie said quietly, as he thought to himself. "This is a very odd coincidence…"
Part II

Last we knew, Ozzie, Flea, and Slash stole the Epoch, taking it to a location unknown even to them, where the world was full of strange wonders they had only seen on television… and never thought could really exist. Crono, Marle, Lucca, Frog, and Magus watched their jump, realizing they hadn't jumped through time at all, rather they had jumped dimensions, but to where, they didn't know. In order to be able to even follow the three stooges, Lucca's intelligence would be needed to rebuild the Epoch, but to do so, she would need to recreate and old friend…

"Magus, go get me some more parts!" Lucca ordered.

"WHAT? You order ME around, slime?"

"Yeah! Do you have a problem with it, old man?"

"Not as much as the problem you're going to have once I torture you with my power! How would you like some burns from a nice big fire?"


Frog interrupted the two, who were seconds away from jumping at each other's throats.

"Lucca, Magus, we must work together here!"

"Fine then, Frog, why don't you and Magus go get me more parts? TOGETHER!" Lucca ordered.

"Lucca, does not thou thinkest thine request to be a bit harsh?" asked Frog.


Marle pushed Magus and Frog out the door of Magus's Castle, barring the wooden doors behind them so they couldn't get back in. Marle giggled as she heard the two argue outside the door, until she strolled down the white hallway back to where Lucca had started building the second Robo.

* * *

Ozzie, Flea, and Slash were in a tent, talking to a gang of long-haired, sweaty, angry, drunken humans, one of whom answered to the name "Ozzie."

"Ozzie and Ozzie. Don't you think they look alike, Flea?" asked Slash.

"What?" replied one of the other stinky men, replying as if someone had requested him. His hair was pink and curly, and he held in his arms a black bass guitar, which happened to be the only thing covering his nude body.

"Slash referred to me, not you, you wonderfully naked man, you…" Flea said, blushing.

One of the other foul creatures looked up. His hair was long and covered his face entirely. He was wearing a large hat with metal attachments all around it, and a small white bent stick came from his hair, where his face was supposed to be, but was not visible.

"What?" He asked.

"We weren't talking to you! Who are you anyway? We can't see your face!" Slash complained. Within an instant, Slash took his patented Slasher 2 and cut the hair off of the man's face swiftly and elegantly. Behind the thick mass of curly black hair was pale, sickly looking blue skin, and red fishy lips.

It looked exactly like Slash.

"My gosh, Slash, he looks exactly like you!" Flea yelled.

"HE EXPOSED MY FACE! AAAGH! I'M GOING BLIND!!!" the man with the hat yelled. He jumped from where he was sitting, and ran around the tent, his hands covering his face as he searched for something more effective in doing such.

"YOU LITTLE QUEERS! QUIT BOTHERING US!" The large man stood up, pulling a machete from his belt. The rest of the people stood along with him.

"Uh oh…" Ozzie muttered, as he prepared to make a run for it.

* * *

"This is terribly tough!' Lucca complained, as she sucked her fingers that were almost numb from the countless intricacies she assembled on the new Robo's person. She stood up as she prepared to take a break, and looked back at her work.

"Half done…" she sighed, holding her arms across her chest. She had felt anxious at the start of the new Robo's creation, but at this point, the tediousness of the job drew her to boredom. She had felt like this before, and she knew that if she left the job, coming back to it would be less of a chore, more of a nightmare. Very rarely could she ever start a job this big and have the drive to finish it without her father over her shoulder.

She walked backward, as she eyed it from every direction, her eyes focused on it, until she tripped over and toppled backward onto the ground, cursing as her rear hit the floor.

"CRONO!" She cried out. Crono had been lying on the floor, still unconscious from holding his breath. Even though she practically landed on him, he didn't budge. In fact, he started to snore.

"He's back." Marle said limply, relaxing in a chair she had stolen from the kitchen. She reached her leg over and tried to nudge his shoulder, but he only snored louder. She even rested her foot right on his face, but he did nothing.

"Ah, leave the kid alone. He'll wake up when he feels like it." Lucca said, as she brushed herself off. "Besides… he gets mad when people wake him up. Sleeping is like gold to him, the more he gets, the less likely he is to pull his sword on you."


"Put it this way… If we didn't wake up at like… 3 in the morning, to go out and fight Lavos, we'd all be dead. Crono has a little violent streak sometimes, and it's
all attributed to whether or not he sleeps. I'd bet when he woke up to go to the Millennial Fair, he probably almost went crazy on his mother…"

"For real??" Marle said, with worry.


Lucca giggled. Marle had started to become fond of Crono, and Lucca could tell.

"You evil little…" Marle uttered.

"Shut up and get me a pair of pliers, you wench…" Lucca said, giggling. Marle hesitated, but complied.

* * *

Magus and Frog walked silently for twenty minutes. They kept tabs on each other's steps, to make sure their pace never matched. They kept their eyes plainly ahead, each one occasionally looking at the other to check the facial expressions they had. Each one noticed that the other one looked annoyed and distorted. After walking for so long, they came upon the shoreline, the last barrier between them and Ozzie's fort. They stood, unmoving, each one trying to act more and more aloof without seeming like it.

Finally, Frog broke the ice.

"What do we do now, Mage?" Frog asked, with an angry snarl.

"We need to fly to get to Ozzie's. I wonder how Lucca and Marle got there earlier…"

"Flailing arms?"

"Perhaps, or maybe they swam using Marle's head as a floatation device."

Frog's angry face broke into giggles. Although Frog enjoyed Marle's company, she always did seem to be an airhead.

Something we actually agree on. Frog said to himself. That's a surprise.

"Let us go." Frog said quietly, as he dove into the water. Magus lifted off his leg and flew up into the air, soaring well above the reach of the ocean spray, speeding towards the fort.

* * *

It was one of the funniest moments in the history of any large concert. Three curious people were running at full speed across a lengthy field of grass, dodging tents and people, headed towards the stage. Behind them was another group of curious people, although they were highly regarded as talented musicians. They were in terrible physical shape, however, so they couldn't catch up to the first three.

Ozzie, Flea, and Slash had no idea that the other Ozzie Flea and Slash had given up on them, so they continued to pump their legs and run as fast as they could. The bumbling green Ozzie often tripped and fell from his poor shape, but would often burst himself forward with powerful rocket fire spells from his rear. They had traveled all the way across the field, coming towards the stage. There was a door on the side, and the three ran into it, taking out several men who stood like soldiers, guarding the entrance. Their ears were bombarded with squeals and squeaks of interference from their intrusion. On their way through, various young men and women with instruments tried to attack them, but Slash fought them off with the strength of his Slasher. His desperate attempts at attacking the humans left trails of broken musical equipment, including amplifiers, speakers, drum sets, instrumental cases, and other items, like banners, microphones, and even a large car that rolled its way off the stage and onto the field, whereby many of the young folks began to destroy it, and even put it to flames.

They ran forward, off the stage, past a swiftly growing bonfire, and into the bushes, where they heard several quiet voices, many of which sounded like moans and grunts. They had no idea where they were going, but they had hoped that anyone might be able to help them even if they were human.

* * *

"Here we are, finally,"

Frog squeezed out his loose clothing while Magus looked around at the castle. It looked old and broken down, as it usually did. Magus strolled through the kitchen, as he gazed at the two large refrigerators that were probably full of food that Ozzie didn't manage to eat fast enough. His eyes set upon a cabinet, which he opened quietly, as Frog looked on.

"Oh my, Ozzie and the bunch were hiding a lot from me..." Magus said, as he opened the cabinet to reveal a large collection of alcoholic beverages.

"Do we not have work to do, fiend?" Frog asked, as his eyes passed over the evil figure before him. Magus ignored his question, as he removed a bottle.

"Want some?" asked Magus.

"Some of what?" Frog replied, angrily.

"Tequila. The good stuff.. Here, try some."

Magus handed Frog a bottle of the liquid, and took another for himself.

(An hour later..........................................................................................................................................)

"Back in (hic) five hundred eighty eight (hic) there was this girl, right?"

Frog burped. They both broke into laughter.

"Did you turn her into a (burp) frog too?"

Frog took another swig from his bottle. It was his second.

"Naaaaaaaaaaaaaah..." Magus said groggily, with drunken regret. "I shoulda turned her into a platypus, eh?"

"A platypus? You're weird, Magus..."

"Weird? Want to see (hic) weird?"

Magus waved his fingers. Frog had a duckbill.

"(burp) Magus! Come on!"

Magus waved his fingers again. Frog's body turned a bright red, and he had a tail that stuck up like a pole.

"Change me back! This (burp) sucks."

Magus took a chug from his bottle. He turned his head and said:

"Roses are plaid, violets are green.
If you are a human (hic) you should have a spleen.
Frog does not have this, because he was mean, (hic)
Give him his bod back so he can come clean (hic)."

Instead of turning back into a frog, though, he turned back into a human. Magus burped.

* * *

"I'm done with the Robo, where are those idiots with the metal pieces I need?"

"They should be back any minute..." said Marle.

"It's been three hours now!"

"Crono hasn't even woken up yet, either."

"The jackhammer hasn't worked?" said Lucca.

"It hurt me more than it did him..."

"Can I borrow that jackhammer now that you're done with it? And maybe some of those metal tools that you used before?"

"The dental pick?"

"All of them."


"Both pairs."

"Sewing needles?"

"The whole shebang."

"What about that large hook, the really big one?"

"Hand it over."

Lucca took all of the metal tools that Marle had and put them in Magus's bathtub. She took all of his silverware, and most of his metal appliances. She laid them down into the tub, and prepared them to be melted into metal for remolding. They searched Magus's closets for extra wiring, found none, and prepared to rip wires from the walls. Through all of this, Crono slept like a baby.

Marle turned on the new Robo for its assistance. As she flicked the on switch at the back of its neck, the entire machine started to sputter, as its eyes began to glow a green that was close, but not exactly the green of Robo's real eyes. Suddenly, the machine started singing and dancing.


Robo continued to dance and sing, and started rapping. Lucca was utterly appalled at the behavior of her machine. She managed to hold it down with Marle's help, and shut it off.

"Terrible! What was that?"

"I don't know."

Lucca moved it into the bathtub with the other appliances to be melted, before they both took a long needed break.

* * *

Ozzie, Flea, and Slash finally made it into the open spot where they heard voices, only to see several people bathing nude in a pond, walking around in the buff, and even making love in small piles around the clearing. They were all utterly appalled by the actions of the humans, and by their misshapen, hairy, and ugly bodies. The men looked like bears! The women had hair on them as well!

"Ozzie, I don't like this anymore!" Flea whined.

"We're going home." Ozzie demanded, as they turned in the general direction of the clearing where they hid the Epoch.

"Good thing for compasses..." Slash said, as he led the way.

* * *

Magus and Frog were still very very drunk. Frog, however, was no longer Frog, he had his human form back, and became Glenn again. Thanks to the two bottles of tequila he swallowed, he hadn't realized it. Somehow, Magus remembered their need to return home, grabbed a load of bottles full of various liquids, and pulled Glenn along as they headed back.

* * *

Marle and Lucca still had no idea where Frog and Magus were. With Marle's assistance in handing Lucca tools, Lucca was already half done with the internal design of the Epoch. Lucca quickly got bored with the project, though, and was very anxious to get some sleep. She was very, very tired. Unwittingly, during an uncontrollable yawn, she managed to drop a large hammer on the toe of the nearby, unwitting Marle.


Marle screamed with an intense, loud pitch, which could be hears all the way in Truce. Crono was startled by the noise invading his ears, and woke up. He rolled over, right into a wall that he had been sleeping near to.

"He's up." Lucca said, yawning again.

"DAMMIT LUCCA! My toe is as big as your head!" she yelled, writhing in pain.

"Not as big as that inflated mass between your shoulders, blondie." Lucca said, giggling,

* * *

"I want to go home, my legs are bruised and my hair is mussed up!" whined Flea.

"Shut up, twerp, you're annoying me!" Ozzie snapped.

"How do we get back?" asked Slash.

"We do the same thing we did before. Or maybe this button we use... it says Return..."

"Then by all means, Ozz, press it!" Flea yelled.

Ozzie pressed the button, and they took off in a flash of light.

* * *

Magus and Frog had just made it back to the castle. As they stumbled in the doorway, Magus tripped and fell on the floor, as the bottles of alcohol dropped and splattered all over the floor. Magus passed, out, next to where Crono was laying, half-awake. He was so out of it, he didn't even feel the cool spray of liquid as it wet his blue tunic.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" Lucca yelled in fright, as Glenn followed.

"I'm the magical fairy that flutters happily along..." Glenn said, as he turned and twisted, like a fairy.

"Frog? Lucca, I think that's Frog. Green boy?" Marle asked.

"You can call me that, but I think I'm more apricot than hunter green."

"YOU IDIOTS! You are way WAY too late with those pieces... I'm almost ready to make the mold myself!"

"It ain't our fault you people decided to start without us." Glenn uttered.


Suddenly, they heard a loud sound outside the castle. Everyone, except for Magus, of course, ran outside to see what was the matter. Everyone watched in awe as Ozzie, Flea, and Slash stepped out of the Epoch and started running.

"YOU CAN KEEP YOUR NASTY MACHINE! KEEP IT!" Yelled Ozzie, as he ran. Flea and Slash followed suit without hesitation.

Lucca's eyes bugged out. She fell to her knees and looked up to the sky, in obvious pain.

"We built the whole damn thing and for what? An almost dead punk, a passed out warlock, and a drunken man with green hair who happens to be the former hero of the century, a freaking hottie who thinks he's the tooth fairy! And he doesn't even have that annoying accent anymore!"

"Relax, Lucca, we'll just trash the new machine, and you can work on the robot... after all, we didn't melt him..."


"Come on, he was singing a pretty cool song. We can see what else he's got back home!"


"That's the spirit!" Marle yelled.

So Crono, Marle, and Lucca stumbled into the real Epoch with the new Robo (named BeBo) and went back to 1000 AD. Lucca got to know BeBo, and learned that his strange rhythmic wording was often funny.

Frog and Magus resumed as enemies afterwards, so Magus thought... Magus' desperate attempts at turning Glenn back into Frog failed, as Glenn offered him a particular drink before the battles... Magus never gave up trying to fight him, but he was convinced to let Glenn live in his palace, when Glenn offered to clean up the mess made by Lucca in his bathtub, and the broken bottles and pool of alcohol left by his front door...

And through all of this, nobody realized just what the future held, in this strange new castle that Magus had, this stone white Poyozo Palace, that would be the home for five people who never thought they'd get along. What adventures might await them in the future? I, The Storyteller, shall let you know, when the time comes...

* * * * * * * * *

What does await them? A damn lot if I have to say anything about it. With the hours and days I've spent writing the upcoming series, it had best be worth it. After these two stories, The White Mage and the Angry Toad, and The Adventures of Epoch, there are... count them... eight more stories... and some of them are funny, and some are sad, and some are downright mental... but when I'm done, you'll know it. Just remember to keep every story before in mind as you read the next.

Catch you in the next story, The Gift of Song!