Over the Rainbow There's a Wonderful World

AM: Yes. I've done it again. I went and injured Nigel.

Angst/Tragedy

Nigel/Jordan

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Nigel's father was not a pleasant man. He was never one of those dads who hugged and coddled his children or held them when they cried. He didn't believe in tears. He didn't believe in emotion. Nothing existed beyond his simple and straightforward perception of the world.

Jordan knew what kind of man Nigel's father was because Nigel himself had regaled her of his father's numerous faults. The man doesn't cry! He would say as he swigged down the last of his beer. The man… doesn't love me. Never has, never will. Jordan bowed her head and leaned back against the wall. If only Nigel could see him now…

Contrary to popular belief, Mr Townsend was not a heartless man. Nor was he completely devoid of emotion. This was obvious to Jordan as she watched him cry silently in one of the room Lily used to "break the news". He had a cup of hot coffee between his long fingered hands; those hands that were so reminiscent of Nigel's… Jordan scrubbed her hands over her eyes. No. She wasn't going to cry. That wouldn't change things… Wouldn't be able to tell him she loved him…

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Bug's hands trembled as he held the scalpel poised over cold, lifeless flesh. He bit his lip under the sterile blue mask and tried to force himself to keep a clear head. He lowered the scalpel and was just about to cut into the body's chest when he let out a scream of pain and rage. Bug flung the autopsy instrument across the room. It crashed into a cart and made a loud racket. The Luverpudlian Indian man fell to the floor and covered his head with his hands, his breathing coming in ragged gasps.

"No. No, no, no!" he cried. "I can't do it! I won't cut him open!"

One of the body's hands had slipped off the table and hung limply in front of Bug's face. His own gloved pair shaking, he took the cold digits in between his hands and squeezed them. The man on the table had been a brother in his own right. Whenever Bug would get bogged down or depressed, his friend had had the unique ability to comfort him with a mere squeeze of the shoulder.

Bug looked up at the cold body on the autopsy table.

"I won't do it."

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In times of crisis, it was Lily's job to keep everything together. To keep her emotions in check and comfort others when all she wanted to do was cry. Today was such a day. But today was a day she feared she wouldn't be able to keep things together. She was in a position she was unused to being in. She was on the other side of the fence. She was a mourner. She remembered her first few months in this job. He was flirted shamelessly with her in a friendly, carefree way. No strings attached, just a lot of friendly flirting. When she was sad and lonely, he was always there to say "It's all gonna be ok!". And now he wasn't. That scared her more than anything in the world.

"It's not gonna be ok… It's not…" she whispered, leaning her forehead against the wall.

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Sitting in his office, that bottle of Jack he kept in the bottom drawer looked more tempting than ever. Garret pulled out the bottle, which was about half full of amber brown liquid. He gazed at it, the glass in his other hand. Ever so tempting. Then he thought of the one they had just lost. He would have given Dr Macy a disapproving look. Sonofabitch! Dr Macy thought, the anger inside him building. What right did he have to be moping around when…

Garret flung the bottle against the wall, it made a tremendous smashing noise and broke into a million pieces.

"Never again." he muttered. "Never again."

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Woody sat with his back against a wall. He leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling. There was a crack in it that ran all the way across the hallway. His shoulder holster seemed to be strangling him, but he knew that loosening it wouldn't help. It was his chest that hurt. Not only from the bullet that had hit his bullet-proof vest and left a huge bruise, but from the feeling of failure and loss. A man had died…

In his mind, this was his fault. This could have been prevented. He could have stopped it. Woody fingered the gun in his holster. Recently fired and also recently cleaned. He had shot the bastard, but not in enough time. The damage had already been done.

&$#$&

It was Jordan that was hit hardest. The loss sat on her chest like a thousand pound weight. She felt cold all over. Cold and empty… Jordan got to her feet, feeling heavy and tired. She made her way into autopsy one, hoping to find Bug… God knows why…

"Jordan…" Bug mumbled from his spot on the floor. "Don't-"

Her eyes took in the scene. Bug on the floor in scrubs, his face tearstained. Jordan let her gave drift to the body on the table. Someone in the room let out a guttural, heartbroken moan. It took her a second before she realized it was her mouth that the cries were coming from. Bug scrambled from the room, tearing off his rubber gloves and tossing the scrub cover behind him. He slipped as he was turning out of the room and fell against the doorway, tears pouring down his face again.

"I can't do it, Jordan! I can't!" he sobbed. "I can't cut him open!"

Jordan went to her co-worker and friend's side and helped him up. She hugged him tight. They stood like that for a long time, both crying for their mutual loss.

"I can't do this autopsy, Jordan." he whispered into her shoulder.

"I know. None of us can. We're going to have to call in someone-"

"It's obvious what killed him! He doesn't need an autopsy." Bug exclaimed.

She rubbed his back and nodded.

"If we can get away with it…"

"No one's cutting him open." Bug said resolutely.

The dark haired M.E. helped her friend get ready to go. He had to leave or he was going to go crazy. Jordan wondered how long he had sat in the cold autopsy room, holding a dead friend's hand…

&$&

The day had started out like any other. Jordan went about her business. She filled out paperwork, did an autopsy, started another case. She had caught Nigel for a few minutes and they had exchanged hurried kisses in a secluded corridor before Nigel had to accompany Woody to a crime scene. Jordan had just sat down to start another report when Garret whizzed past her doorway. She jumped to her feet and followed him down the hallway. The senior M.E. had a worried expression on his weathered face.

"What's wrong, Garret?" Jordan demanded, feeling her own concern beginning to make itself apparent.

"There's been a shooting at Nigel and Woody's crime scene. They've both been hit."

Jordan felt her knees give underneath her, Garret caught her just in time. He helped her up and together they went to the crime scene.

A knot was growing in Jordan's stomach, as Garret pulled into the parking lot near the crime scene Jordan could see flashing lights and police officers cuffing a suspect. Jordan leapt out of the car. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. She was pushing people out of the way. One thought in her mind repeated itself over and over. What if he's hurt? Woody was sitting on the back of the ambulance; a paramedic was inspecting him for injuries. He caught her eye and said something to the paramedic. He took her hands in his and squeezed, leaning in confidingly.

"Jordan-"

"Where is he, Woody." she demanded.

"Jordan. Nigel was shot. Jordan. Jordan look at me!" he exclaimed.

She finally stopped avoiding his gaze and stared him directly in the eyes.

"It's bad, Jordan. He's bleeding out, and fast."

"Then why aren't they moving him! Why isn't he in the hospital?"

"They're trying, Jordan. But one of the bullets is lodged against his spine and they are afraid to move him."

"He's paralysed?"

"Yes. From the mid-chest down."

Jordan trembled.

"I've got to see him."

"I know."

She let go of him and followed the thin trickle of paramedics and police officers until she found Nigel. One of the paramedics turned and saw her. The man frowned and started to protest.

"Hey! You aren't supposed to be-"

"I'm his… I'm his girlfriend."

The man's stern face softened and he hesitantly nodded.

"He's not in good shape…"

Jordan nodded and went to where they were attempting to get Nigel onto a gurney. The lanky Brit was bloodied and white as a sheet. His breathing was laboured; Jordan could tell her was fighting to stay alive. She swallowed and lay a hand on his bony shoulder.

"Nigel." she murmured.

His eyes snapped open. They were full of fear and pain.

"Nigel, I'm here honey."

Nigel tried to nod but started choking. She quickly lifted his head to make it easier for him to breathe. The paramedic who had spoken to her before now appeared to tell her that they were going to risk it and move him.

"He's losing too much blood. We need to get him to a hospital so we can-"

"Stop explaining and take care of him!" Jordan interrupted.

She watched as the medical team gently eased her lover onto the gurney, strapping him down and securing him in the ambulance.

"We'll meet you at the hospital." the paramedic said, closing the door in Jordan's face.

An hour or so later, Jordan was sitting in the waiting room, her head bowed and her shoulders tense. Just let him be ok. Just let him be ok and I'll do anything She pleaded plaintively with God. She shifted several times in her seat, staring straight ahead at a spot on the wall. Some time later, the surgeon came out. Jordan leapt to her feet again.

"What's the news?"

The doctor bit his lip and his look was grave.

"We managed to stop the bleeding. The big problem was the bullet. We got most of it out, but it shattered and there is still a small piece lodged against the spinal nerve. The real problem is that we can't seem to get at it. If that piece somehow gets loose, it could enter his blood stream and-"

"Kill him." Jordan finished. "I'm an M.E. I know what can happen." she said numbly.

"He just getting out of surgery now. You should be able to visit him. I don't need to remind you…"

"Thank you very much, doctor."

Inside she was screaming.

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Jordan Cavanaugh was, for once, at a loss for words. She stared down at the body of her long time friend and recent lover. A sheet covered him from the waist down and his hands lay by his sides. Those long, elegant digits that she had first hand experience with. Hesitantly, she laid her own hand over his. It was icy cold. What did she expect? He was dead. At that thought she lost all control. Suddenly overcome by weakness and sorrow, she dropped to the floor; she sat almost the exact position and place she had found Bug in earlier that day. She didn't understand how something like this could happen. Everything had been going fine. She and Nigel had grown closer and closer as she and Woody had grown further and further apart. She had been enjoying sneaking around during work hours. Getting in quick five minute canoodle sessions in between cases. They had been moving towards something more serious. Why did this have to happen?! I didn't get to say… She spoke to the cold body in the room, saying something she had only had the gumption to say once or twice.

"Nigel… I love you…"

&$&

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby ii ii iii
Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true ooh ooooh
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me ee ee eeh
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops thats where you'll find me oh
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to,why, oh why can't I? i iiii

Well I see trees of green and
Red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white
And the brightness of day
I like the dark and I think to myself
What a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands
Saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying, I...I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more
Than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world (w)oohoorld

Someday I'll wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top that's where you'll find me
Oh, Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I? I hiii ?

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If you're thinking "There's more to this story." There is. I may or may not write anymore on this. I feel pretty much emotionally drained from this fic. Please stop by and leave a review. I appreciate it more than you know.