Title: Dangerous Desires
Author: Peaches Girl
Disclaimer: I own nothing, Joss is king, and I have no money.
Email: This is an A/U fic, all human. Buffy meets her soul mate but things turn ugly. This is a dark, full of angst, bad language, and some domestic violence. If you are not of age or you do not like sexual content and graphic language please do not read any further.A/N: A special thanks to Jenni and Ivana for being my betas on this fic. Thanks for all your help.
The smell in this place was almost unbearable. It permeated the air, it swirled in the empty spaces and danced from room to room; no matter what direction you turned, you could not escape it.
There are many places I wished to be at this time and this was definitely not one of them. The stench of death and fresh cut flowers clung to my skin and I rubbed my arms constantly trying to remove the feel of it. A nasty evil feeling crept up my spine and I quickened my pace down the long hall dragging my small daughter with me.
I hate funeral homes and if it weren't necessary for me to be here this would be the last place you would find me.
My friend Gunn, Charles Gunn, owned the place along with his family. We had grown up together in our not so small town and his warm smiling face was the only comfort I felt while I was stuck in this hell hole.
"Buffy please, have a seat" he said to me softly as I neared his office.
I took the offered chair and let out a soft moan when I sank down.
"I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can get you?"
He was so sweet, and I wanted to thank him but my head was swimming and the words wouldn't form in my mouth; I just nodded my refusal.
"I heard that he was in an accident but I didn't hear what really happened. I don't know if you feel up to talking but sometimes it helps to….let it out….you know…if you need to."
I was afraid to speak the words out loud. It was as though if I said it then it had to be real and right now I was holding on to the small miracle that this was all just a bad dream, a horrible nightmare, and I would wake up in my warm bed snuggled up to my husband.
But no, this wasn't a dream, it was reality; it was happening, and it was my life. I should have known that it was real because hey, it's me; my life was never easy, never happily ever after, not for very long anyway.
So I cleared my throat and prepared to relay the whole sad tragic tale that was my life.
I closed my eyes tight willing the looming tears to stay back, I choked down the large knot that was lodged in my throat and took a deep breath. As I opened my eyes and looked upon my friends face, I saw his soft caring expression, his nearly moist eyes, and I let out a long cleansing breath before I spoke.
"He was coming home from work. It was raining hard and the Semi lost control, they said it jack-knifed then….flipped over after it hit him. The paramedics said it was quick and they doubt he felt…." I choked on the words as the tears I had been trying so hard to hold back begin to trickle down my cheeks.
"Sorry, I just….I can't believe it happened so fast and …..Oh God I can't believe he's really gone."
My body is racked with tremors as I fully break down into hard painful sobs. My friend quickly rises and sprints over to put an arm around me and I turn into his embrace holding him for dear life. It takes me several long minutes to compose myself and I apologize profusely when we finally separate.
"No Buffy, its ok, I'm glad that I can be here for you. I'm sorry you have to go through this; it's a terrible way to lose a loved one. I should know…."and he left the rest unspoken as he slowly walks back to his seat.
"Thank you, I didn't mean to go all blubber-y on you. How about if we get this over with, I should be getting home soon?"
"Sure I have some things for you to sign and then you need to pick out a-a…coffin."
I instantly cringed at his final words feeling the full weight of the grave task I am here to accomplish. I give him a weak smile and he picked up a few papers and handed them to me.
He began talking business immediately, and I tried to listen as carefully as I could but at some point my mind started to go into a haze again and I tuned him out. Awful thoughts began to swirl around my head as my eyes glazed over. I stared at his mouth as it moved but the sound of his voice no longer registered in my ears.
I didn't snap out of my fog until he handed me a book of caskets. I began flipping through the pages not really knowing what I was doing as my eyes scanned the various items dizzily.
Panic began to rise in my body at the thought of having to choose this vessel of death, this damned awful box to house the body of the man I just lost, and I could no longer stand to hold the book in my hands. It felt like pure evil and it made my skin crawl and burn with every page I turned. I couldn't do this anymore and with a shaky finger I haphazardly pointed to something on one of the pages.
"Good choice. I will get on this right away" he said as he took down the number on the page and left the room.
I stared at the object in the picture briefly then quickly snapped it shut and laid it on the desk in front of me. I desperately wanted to do something to take my mind off what I just had to do. Scanning the room, my eyes came upon a small shelf behind the desk.
There were a few scattered items on it, a crucifix, a small red bible, and a beautiful cross on a thin chain that was draped across the bible.
It was just a plain cross, nothing spectacular about it but it stood out so boldly against the red leather of the bible and for some reason it seemed so familiar. It was a shiny silver but very small, and after staring at it for a while something popped into my head.
It was the first spark of memory, the first hint of thought that I had allowed my mind to have of him. I had tried so hard over the years to wash away those memories, to push them to the farthest reaches of my mind and not look back. But all of a sudden the things that I had worked so hard at forgetting, the things that had haunted my dreams for years, the feelings and memories that I had tried to repress came crashing down, and at that moment something broke in me.
Tears began to pour from my eyes and my body began to shake from the intensity of the feelings that pounded down over me. My breath hitched and I bellowed loudly in the small room unable to control my emotions.
I was totally lost in my misery until tiny fingers stretched out to mine. I looked at her through tear soaked red eyes and my heart broke a little more. Here I was caught up in my own misery and I had totally forgotten that my daughter was sitting next to me.
She gave me a withering smile and handed me her tiny box of tissues. I gladly accepted it and tried to regain my composure. I needed to be strong, I needed to keep it together, I needed to stop thinking about myself and get my emotions under control. So for her, my beautiful little miracle, I straitened out my posture, blew my nose, and then smoothed my hand down her silky brown hair.
She seemed to brighten a bit at my action and I sucked in a deep breath of air letting it out slowly and wished away my sorrows for her sake.
"Don't be sad mommy, Jesus will take care of daddy" she said to me in her sweet little sing song voice.
I tried to pull up the corners of my mouth to give her a smile but it was just too painful.
"Thank you baby, I know he is in good hands. I love you." I stated quietly for fear if I spoke louder my voice may crack from the grief.
Gunn came in a few minutes later assuring me that he would take care of everything and I took a small comfort in knowing there was at least one thing I didn't have to worry about.
I gave him my thanks then quickly grabbed Samantha and rushed out the door.