"Did you…..was that" He was stammering, unable to get anything out clearly. If you could look both horrified, and confused at the same time he pulled it off quit easily.
"Yes" I said, and I didn't think I needed to elaborate any further than that. He looked ready to run for the door, and if my heart was not so shattered I may have found the whole situation funny. As it was I needed to pull myself together, and get him out of here. He already said he didn't want any of this, and I didn't want to force him into something out of pity.
God I love this man. He has no idea how much I want him to be with us, and I guess he will never know. I stare at him taking in his beauty, his dark eyes the color of chocolate, and his high cheek bones, fine chiseled chin, and wide shoulders. I spy him from his broad shoulders, down to his trim abs to his slim waist, and lower before rising back up to stare in his eyes once again. I need to take that one last look; afraid that it would be the last I may have this opportunity. I blush at the knowing look he gives me, and I try to square my shoulders for what I am about to say.
"Thank you again for bringing me home today, and for being honest about your feelings. I want you to know that I will respect your decision, and I will not contact you again about…..well anything I guess" and I have to look away from him now. It's time for me to move past this and I needed to be as strong as possible. So I take a deep breath and look him strait in the eyes.
"You can go now Angel. I will be fine. I'm going to call my mother, and then I'm going to go clean up a little before she gets here."
He looks at me blankly, like he's trying to figure me out, and then he turns to leave. My heart sinks further knowing that this is it for us. I will never see him again, and I try harder to keep the tears from falling. Another pain rolls through me hard, and I draw in a gasping breath bending over slightly to keep my knees from buckling. He turns to look at me, and I'm trying really hard to hide my pain but I know he can see it, and he starts walking in my direction again.
"Let me take you to the hospital Buffy, it doesn't look like you have much time" he says quietly but I can see the anxiety in his gaze. "No, it's okay. I still have a little time you don't need to stay" I try to reassure him but the pain is so intense that I'm having a hard time just breathing much less talking.
God this pain is horrible. I remember my labor with Sam, and this seems to be on a whole new level. "This is ridiculous, let me drive you" he bites out. He walks over and grabs my arm guiding me back to the living room and I slump down on the couch. The pain starts to ease a little, and I trying breathing deeply to move through it.
"Tell me what you want to take with you, and get ready we are leaving in five minutes" he says standing over me. I can see the angry leer on his face, and I start to get angry myself. I didn't want to do this with him, and I see that I'm going to have to get nasty to get him to leave. It's not how I wanted us to end our….whatever we have going right now but I have no choice.
"Look, I don't need your help okay" I yell at him, and he looks really angry now. "Yes, you do, and if I have to carry you out to the car I will. Now stop being a stubborn ass, get up and get moving…..now" he yells back at me.
"NO, I'm not going anywhere with you…just…leave…please" and the tears I was fighting so hard to keep back start to stream down my face. I'm just in too much pain to stop it now.
Then he gives me that look. The same one I get from Willow, and Tara when I'm feeling really sorry for myself, the one my parents give me when I talk about being alone, and afraid that I'm not going to be enough parent for my children, and I can't stand it…. "Don't look at me like that damn it! If I can't have your support, or your love…I don't want your damn pity. Just please…please…leave. I..I..can't do this right now, can't you see that."
He picks up my cell phone, and lays it in my hand before he turns and walks to the door. I watch as he turns back once in my direction, that look of pity on his face, and then turns back for the front door. When I hear the click of the door closing I let the sobs go. The incredible pain comes back full force, and it rolls through my whole body. My heart is crushed but the pain wracking my body is worse at the moment. I know something is wrong, labor is painful but not this bad.
I dial my mother's number, and I can't describe the relief I felt when she answers the call, "Mom…oh God it hurts so badly." "Buffy, what's wrong?" She cries to me.
"Buffy…talk to me, what's going on"
"My water broke but the pain…its tearing me apart. I need you, please help me" I cry into the phone. "Hold on baby, I'm coming. Just hang in there for a few minutes. Where is Willow?" She asks me. "Not here she went to a party, I'm here alone…please Mom the pain" and I can no longer speak through the slicing pain in my body.
My Mother didn't wait as it turns out. She called 911, and minutes later, she along with an ambulance was whisking me off to the hospital. The trip in the ambulance was short, my labor however was not.
After six grueling hours of labor my first bundle of joy came into the world, and he was so beautiful. I took one look at his handsome little face, and his name popped right into my head. Liam, Liam Angelus Summers, and he did look just like his daddy. I was over joyed until the labor started up once again, and it was time to push the next baby out. The only problem was he just didn't want to come. I pushed, and pushed, and pushed, and nothing. After thirty minutes of pain, and pushing the stress became too much on the baby, and they rushed me into surgery. I later found out that his head was lodged in the corner of my pelvic bone, and his shoulder was being forced out the birth canal. They pulled him out and rushed him to the NICU. His little shoulder was dislocated, and they wanted to make sure he didn't have any bruising on his head from where it was pushed into my pelvic bone. I was crushed, and I had to wait over two hours before I was allowed to see him.
He looked so pitiful in that little bed, with wires and things all attached to his little body. I kissed him on his little head, and promptly named him Conner Michael Summers. Both my little boys were the most beautiful little men I have ever seen. My broken heart felt a little better just seeing them finally here. If I had to live without the love of my life, at least I had this little piece of him.
I finally managed to get a few hours of sleep before they brought both my boys in to be fed. Once they ate, and I spent a little time with them they were escorted back to the nursery to be monitored. My little Conner needed to be watched at least for the next twelve hours so I was left by myself until my Mother showed up again for a visit.
I could tell by the look on her face that she wanted to talk, and I was not looking forward to the conversation.
"I sent Giles down to the cafeteria for some coffee, so we have a few minutes to talk before he gets back "she says to me as she pulls a chair up next to my bed.
"And we are discussing what?" I ask her, knowing already by the stern leer she gives me. I'm going to be frustrated, and quickly.
"You know what. I think you should call him, and let him know about the boys. He is the father, and he has a right to know one of his sons had a difficult birth. You named them Summers Buffy; don't you think he would at least want them to have his name?" She is giving me that look that says not to disagree with her, and I am instantly aggravated.
"I'm not having this talk with you Mom. He's not interested in us, any of us, so just drop it. I'm not calling him" I cross my arms in front of me in defense, trying to show my resolve.
"That's just stupid Buffy. It takes two to make a baby. He needs to be responsible here, and be a man. He deserves to know he now has two sons, and I don't think its fair for you to hide it from him."
"I'm not hiding anything! I told him about Samantha, and he knows about the boys, well he doesn't know they are boys but he knew I was going to have two." I sigh loudly, knowing no matter what I say to her she is not going to like it. "I already asked him, okay, and he said he did not want to be a father. I have to respect his decision. If he decides later that he wants to get to know them then he can do it then but I'm not forcing this on him. I owe him that much."
"Why are you letting him do this to you Buffy? I don't understand any of this. How can you let him get you pregnant, and then just let him walk away?" she is yelling now, and my heart breaks all over again. I don't want to talk about this, and I don't think I have to justify my decisions to anyone. Her yelling has put me over the edge, and I lash out at her unthinking of the hurt I may cause to us both.
"STOP, I love him okay. Is that what you want to hear? I am in love with a man who doesn't love me back. I hurt him, badly, and I can't take back what I have done. He should hate me. I left him for another man, and then I let him believe that I had a child that wasn't his. And then I waited eight years to tell him the truth, so yea, he can't stand the site of me. No wonder he doesn't want anything to do with his kids, if I were him I would walk away too." By now I'm crying, loud wet sobs making my whole body shake, and my mother gets up to hug me tight.
"God, I love him so much Mom, and right now I just feel like I'm dying. Why is everything so damn hard, cant life ever be easy?"
"Shhh, baby. It's okay, everything is going to be okay. You have three beautiful children to take care of now." I let her rock me as I try to calm down. I really needed to get that out, and I'm grateful that my Mother was there to help me past this.
The one thing I was unaware of was that Angelus was standing outside the door to my room hearing every word.