RATING: strong PG-13, for swearing and mention of sex
SUMMARY: Endgame – how it should have gone, from Kathryn's POV
DISCLAIMER: Paramount owns these kids, not me! In fact, the story is mostly theirs. I have merely put a different spin on it, included a few extra details and created an ending Jcers can definitely prefer. Both my ending and the title are mine and therefore belong to me.
NOTE: This was written over two days. The first was the day Endgame aired, a mere few hours prior to it. It contains strong spoilers for Endgame, or what I knew of Endgame at the time. The final 2 parts were written the day after the broadcast. I have also made mention of an event from Mosaic by Jeri Taylor.
It's been a fun ride, folks. Long may the adventures of the Voyager crew continue!
It's difficult sometimes. There are occasions when I want to strangle him, or at least blind him so that his eyes can't follow me around a room. But I don't and he continues to attempt to hide his feelings, yet failing miserably.
I sometimes wish that he would, could, get over his feelings and move on. I need him to. He is my best friend. We cannot be more, no matter how he might wish it.
When we were on the planet his words were a comfort to me. It was just the two of us, and I had no one else to turn to. Unless you count a monkey that liked to spy on me. Would I have turned to him if we had not been rescued? I don't know. And it's a bit late to wonder that now. That was five years ago.
Five years since the beautiful Angry Warrior speech. Strange thing is, I can't recall much of it now. I think he told it as much for himself as for me. He had found peace though. I know that much. And today he is so different from the angry Maquis terrorist who first came aboard my ship, armed, when we found ourselves in the Delta Quadrant missing members of our crews.
He says I am responsible for the change. But he is also responsible for it. He did much, my first officer, to combine our crews and to find a peace when there should have been chaos.
I value his counsel. I might have known Tuvok for years but he does not have the emotion to handle certain parts of my psyche. When I want an unbiased opinion on a tactical situation then I will turn to Tuvok. But when I need someone to tell me if I'm right or wrong or to yell at me then I turn to Chakotay.
He is a damn sight better first officer than Tuvok could ever be or that Cavit ever was. But I have long since realised that if it wasn't for him leaving Starfleet and joining the Maquis and then us all being stranded here he would never have been my first officer. Actually, knowing half the old Admirals as I do back at Starfleet I suspect that if we had ended up serving together he'd have been the captain and myself the first officer.
Do I love him? Yes. Am I in love with him? No. I have learned over the years that there are many different kinds of love. My love for him is that of a best friend. It is not romantic. I admit that there are days when I may have experienced some attraction to him, but it has been temporary, fleeting. I have thought about his touch but it has been nothing to endure. First and foremost he is my best friend.
Which is what makes it incredibly difficult knowing how he feels and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I do not wish to hurt him and yet it seems I am just by existing. If I pull back from our friendship then it hurts him even more. He seems to think he can live with it. The question is: can I?