Author Note 2: This is all my roommate's fault.
Warning 1: This is 'Ninjababe Style', so don't eat or drink while reading. You have been warned.
Warning 2: This story is not recommended for internal use, implantation or branding.
Disclaimer 1: I don't own the characters. Just in case you were wondering.
Disclaimer 2: I hearby state that I did not ingest, sniff, smoke, or slather onto my body any illegal or regulated substance while this was written.
"Hi!" Harry said with a wave and a grin.
Harry, you're supposed to be emo.
"Oh..." Pausing, the boy-who-lived-and-had-really-messy-hair started to frown. "Leave me to pout and scowl in piece."
You mean 'peace'
Well, this is Harry. Harry has a destiny. But, we'll get into that later.
Meet the Dursleys.
Well, maybe not.
Meet the Weasleys, especially Ron, one of Harry's best friends.
"I'm getting married!" Bill Weasley exclaimed.
Ignore Bill, he's been in the fire whiskey for courage. And, the stupid git wouldn't share. -glares-
"My drink, wench! Get your own!"
Watch Bill Weasley get married to Fleur Delacour.
"Yay!" everyone exclaimed.
Meet Hermione Granger, Harry's other best friend.
"She's smart," Ron pointed out.
"Thank you, Ron," Hermione replied with a grin.
Now, Harry, Ron, and Hermione are going off to have adventures, kill Voldemort, taunt some Slytherins, and eat ice cream.
"Ice cream?" Hermione was incredulous.
"Mmmmm... Ice cream..." Ron said dreamily.
So, the Golden Trio
"I hate that term," Harry interrupted.
Whatever, emo-boy. Anyway, the three decide to trek all over creation
"Ooooooo! Look! Rocks!" Ron exclaimed.
-Sigh- They went hunting
"You mean searching," Hermione interjected. "Hunting is for animals. Searching is for items."
Are you telling this story? Well? No? Ok... Fine... As I was saying...
They went hunting for all the bits and pieces of Voldermort's soul to destroy.
"Found one!" Ron exclaimed.
"That's a toffee," Hermoine pointed out.
"Mmmm... toffee," Ron replied as he opened the candy and popped it into his mouth. "Well, it's destroyed now!"
After many adventures...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA!" the three exclaimed as they ran from some werewolves.
And, lots of escapades...
"Runnnn!" Harry yelled as they were confronted by a dragon.
They finally destroyed all of the horcruxes...
"Finally!" Harry exclaimed, dancing in glee.
"There's still Voldermort," Hermoine pointed out.
"Fine," Harry pouted. "Spoil my fun."
So, after more searching
"Hunting!" Hermoine exclaimed.
Shut up! After more bsearching/b, they locate the foul wizard in his lair.
"Foul? Lair?" Ron looked disgusted. "Are you a romance writer or something?"
Shut up before I find a wand and decide to see if I can cast the unforgivables. So, the three enter the lair.
"Hey Potty, Weasel, Mudblood," the dashing Draco Malfoy said with a sneer.
"Ferret," Ron snarled with a wave of his wand. A few moments later, the Malfoy heir was trussed up and hanging by his left ankle from the lovely 17th century chandelier.
"That felt good," Ron said with a grin as he lightly pushed Draco so he started to swing.
"We still have to kill Voldemort," Harry stated.
"Sure, spoil my fun," Ron pouted.
Getting to the snakey-faced git's throne room
"I like that! I'll have to use it!" Harry said with a firm nod.
The three stood firm, defiant, strong in the midst of the seething crowd of putrid Death Eaters.
"You bare/b a romance writer!" Hermoine asserted.
Just get on with it!
"This," Harry said, pointing is wand unwaveringly at Voldermort, "Is for my parents, and Cedric, and Sirius, and every other person you've killed!"
He could've killed you three times over by the time you finished that speech, you know.
"Quiet, I'm being dramatic," Harry seethed. "It's in my contract. Besides, he has to give me the first shot."
"To prove what a weakling I am. I throw a spell at him, he laughs it off, throws a spell at me, I go flying through the air, everyone thinks he's won. And, then, after a few moments of despair, I get my resolve back, get up, and we have a good ol' round of fisticuffs."
"Fisticuffs, Potter?" Voldemort hissed. "You've been infected by the writer's romance novel lean. Don't worry, I'll take care of that for you. Get on with it."
However, Harry had an Ace up his sleeve, to borrow a 'muggle' term.
Waving his wand erratically, and with great enthusiasm, he chanted his spell. "I'm the Gypsy the Acid Queen. I'll tear your soul apart!"
"What was that?" Ron asked.
"Oh, really, Harry? Lyrics from a rock opera!" Hermoine repermanded.
"Well, look. It worked, didn't it?" Harry pointed out.
"I'm melting! Melting! Aaaaaaaa! What a world!" Voldemort exclaimed as he... well... melted.
"He's been watching Wizard of Oz too often," Harry pointed out dryly.
"What are you two on about?" Ron asked. "Nutters the both of you."
The Death Eaters, seeing their invincible leader killed, fled into the night.
The next day, the Golden Trio
"Stop calling us that!" Hermoine shouted.
Look, the Daily Prophet is calling you that. Live with it. Anyway, the three had a press conference.
"How did you defeat You-Know-Who?" Rita Skeeter, she-who-needs-a-make-over asked. And, stop glaring at me Rita, you know you do.
"Who? I don't know who?" Harry cheekily replied.
"Harry," Hermoine muttered. "They mean Voldemort."
"Oh! Him!" Harry nodded decisively. "I just used an arcane spell hidden by one of my ancestors among the Muggles so it wouldn't fall into the wrong hands."
"And, how did you discover this wondrous spell?" Rita asked, salivating over the story she'd be able to tell.
"Lots of research," Harry said with a firm nod.
"Harry," Hermoine hissed. "Watching the rock opera 'Tommy' over and over again is not research!"
"They don't know that!" Harry whispered back vemently.
"I think I see a bowl of candy," Ron muttered as he wandered off.
"What will you be doing now, Mr. Potter," one of the other reporters asked.
Harry grinned. "I'm glad you asked! Since I survived my battle with the evil Voldemort, I'm going to relax, settle down, and spend time with my very large harem."
"Harem!" the reporters exclaimed.
"Harem?!" Hermoine echoed.
Harem? What harem? Where did that come from?
"Yes, my harem. Granted, it hasn't been put together yet, but I'll be sending out applications soon. If anyone wants to request an application, please see my personal accounts manager at Gringotts, the goblin Fuzzlepot."
Fuzzlepot? Aren't goblins supposed to have names like GrindBones or AxeHandle?
"A Fuzzlepot is an incendiary device used by the Goblin nations to..." Hermoine started to lecture.
Thanks... I knew enough when you said incendiary device.
"Incendiary device?" Ron asked through his mouthful of sweets.
It blows things up.
"Oh, why didn't you say so?" Ron said with a shrug.
And, so, we leave our heroes to rest on their laurels and start on their next adventure, the rest of their lives...
"Wait!" Harry exclaimed.
Harry looked stern. "What about Draco Malfoy? And, where did Snape end up?"
Oh... Umm... Well... Fine... Snape was actually following you the whole time, cleaning up the mess you left behind when you destroyed the horcruxes.
Did you really think all of those inferati just disappeared?
"I think you spelled that wrong," Hermoine pointed out.
Whatever... the murderous undead. Did you really think they just vanished after you destroyed the pretty object they were guarding.
"Ummm... yeah?" Ron replied.
Well, they didn't. Anyway, Snape is currently basking on a beach somewhere, enjoying the sun and the volleyball matches around him.
Harry looked stern. "And, Draco?"
We don't talk about him.
"Why not?" Hermoine wanted to know.
We just don't.
"Oh, please?" Harry asked, looking pitiful.
Oh fine. He got down from the chandelier and went directly to Gringotts. After getting all of his money removed, he went to the Thailand wizarding community.
"And?" Hermoine prompted.
I'll say no more. Just know, it has to do with tutus and slinkys.
"What's a slinky?" Ron asked, confused.
"I don't think I want to know," Hermoine stated after thinking a few moments on what Draco could be doing with tutus and slinkys.
"Whatever," Harry said with a shrug. "I'm off to do interviews for my harem!"
"What type of questions are you asking?" Hermoine asked.
Umm... I don't it's going to be a verbal interview.
"Harry James Potter!" Hermoine exclaimed to savior of the wizarding world, who was jogging away. "You get back here!"
As Hermoine took off to chase the boy-with-the-lightening-bolt, Ron spotted the ice cream parlour. "Mmmm... ice cream."
And, finally, we find out how Book 7 of the Harry Potter books ends.
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