It's been a while since I last wrote. Things have been kind of hectic lately. Actually, they've been kind of weird. The latest weird thing that happened was Apophis' decision that I give a concert. According to what I heard An-khet tell one of the other servants, it was to keep me occupied and to help me out of my "depression." Apparently, I've been depressed since my failed escape attempt. I suppose I have been, but I've been very careful never to let Sha're know. If she knew, she would feel guilty and blame herself, and that would never do. No, she needs to keep her spirits up, and I'm a pretty good actor in a tense situation. I can at least make sure she doesn't have to worry about me in addition to everything else she worries about.
The concert went all right, and I dedicated it to Sha're. I'm sure that no one else noticed, but I saw a few tears go down her face as I played "A Red, Red Rose." Despite being under the control of Amaunet, she still feels, and occasionally I see those feelings surface when no one else notices.
I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately, and I realized something. Apophis must truly love Amaunet to indulge her wish to keep a troublesome host. Any other Ga'ould would simply choose a new one and kill the old one, but not Amaunet. No, she likes Sha're. Sha're once told me that death would be a release, but she also said that she has hope that we would be together again, free of the Ga'ould. I know that she does not want to die, but if death is the only way to end Amaunet's control, then she would accept it. Of course, I asked her what circumstances would cause her to accept death (by this point I was having a hard time keeping my voice steady) and she answered, "If Amaunet were to try killing you, husband."
By that point, we were both crying. The stress of my being a hostage is starting to tell on us both. Unspoken was her request that I kill her if circumstances became too bad. I wasn't sure if I could actually do it, and I'm still not. If she were about to kill someone else, I'm sure I could kill Amaunet (not Sha're, but Amaunet), but if it were my own life…I'm not sure. Then again, Sha're would hate knowing that it was her hand that killed her husband, despite the fact that it was beyond her control. She would hate having killed anyone. None of this situation is fair, and especially not to Sha're.
Actually, upon thinking about it, I'm not sure I could kill her. This is Sha're. She and her people gave me a home and a family. They saved my life. They loved me for no other reason than that I was me. The last people to do that were my parents. My foster parents saw me more as a trophy instead of a little boy. After all, I was highly intelligent and a credit to them both. Never mind that my intelligence and knowledge came from the upbringing my parents had given me until they died. I was only given affection from them when I succeeded in doing something that reflected well on them. If I won an academic competition, for example, or gave a very good lecture when I was only twelve. People don't stop needing affection if their parents die, and I needed it, but I only received it once I jumped through a dozen hoops and reached their expectations. There were some times during my time with them when I felt like a mouse in a maze or a performing animal. I was caged and begging for spiritual sustenance.
That was what made Sha're and Abydos so wonderful. I never had to ask for affection. It was given to me freely every day. The people there all greeted me warmly. The men accepted me into their enclave and called me "son" or "brother." The women called me "son" or "grandson." To the kids I was "uncle." A whole city of family. To everyone I was either "brother," "son," "grandson," or "uncle." They were understanding of my shortcomings (when I couldn't perform some chore they could all do) and praised me for my efforts. Sha're was the one who made me feel special just because I was Daniel, her husband. To me, she was wonderful, and to her, I was wonderful. Other women would praise her on her husband, and she would simply smile, thanking them without words. She woke me with a kiss and a "Husband" every morning, and every night…Well, let's just say that every night was wonderful. Even if we did nothing more than hold one another, it was wonderful.
That is the life I wish to return to, with Sha're at my side. Sha're has taught me how to see wonder in the world again, and she helped me remember how to love and care for someone else. I have to find us a way out of here.
"You do realize that this is going to get us court-martialed, sir?" Carter asked as they ransacked the armory and supplies room for weapons and equipment.
"We haven't been court-martialed yet, Carter. I'm guessing that General Hammond will be really happy to see all of us with Daniel, and he'll forget all about the court-martial."
"Still, we're defying direct orders, taking supplies and weapons without authorization, and we're going to be doing some unauthorized Gate travel."
"We're so bad, aren't we?" Jack grinned.
That broke the tension, and Carter laughed.
"Still, Carter, if you don't want to…" Jack began. "You don't have to, you know."
"No, I want to. I guess this is just last minute worrying."
"I have a feeling that General Hammond will be upset at our disobedience, but not at our actions," Teal'c said, zipping his jacket.
"Exactly," Jack confirmed. "I mean, how many times has he threatened me with court-martial? I mean, how many?"
"I won't answer that, sir," Carter said quickly as they left and headed toward the Gate room and the control room. Once there, Carter entered the required codes, closed off corridors, locked doors, and activated the Gate. The alarms were going off and they could hear voices shouting at them, and one of them was General Hammond's.
"He is very angry, O'Neill," Teal'c said, listening while they were waiting for Carter to join them at the Gate.
"Yup," Jack admitted. "There's that tone to his voice that promises death and dismemberment."
"Or enforced vacation," Sam said, arriving. "They won't be able to get into this room or the control room for the next fifteen minutes, and by the time they do, the computer will have erased our destination."
"Perfect. Let's go."
With that, all of them set off to rescue Daniel.