Disclaimer: Somewhat choppy . . . make that VERY choppy. Notice that I used all caps for emphasis, I'm fairly sure that's one of the things that all the good books on writing tell you to never do.
Anko growled in frustration as she got turned down yet again. First she can't get a date because of who her master IS and then, after she's finally out from under his thumb, she can't get a date because of who he WAS. Dirty traitor, yet another thing he'd done to ruin her life.
I mean, the seal was one thing, but keeping me from getting laid?! He'll pay for this!' She thought grimly.
You'd think guys would be interested in a girl who had a technique to deep throat a katana, or one that would make her tongue six inches long and prehensile. But noooo, they were all blinded by the thought of who her teacher was. You'd think it would be easy to lose her cherry in a village full of horny bastards . . . life just wasn't fair.
"Only way you'll get a boyfriend is if you grow one in a box or something," one of the duller girls said cruelly.
Hmmmm, Anko thought to herself. Raise my own boyfriend, find one young enough not to have any bad habits and train him until he's old enough . . . but who?
"You'll never get me suckers," Naruto shouted over his shoulder as he did his best to escape his latest victims. "Bwahahahaha. "
"That's it," Anko said happily. "No one cares about the jinchuuriki, he's starved for attention, so he'll latch onto the first person who shows him any affection, and if he's got that much stamina now . . . heh heh."
Some time later . . .
"Ten, eleven, twelve . . . twelve . . . . keep trying." Anko smirked. Naruto had managed to pick up the technique to lengthen his tongue fairly easily and he currently had it wrapped around a chin up bar. "You're not coming down until you do fifteen tongue pull ups," Anko said firmly. "Now get up there gaki, only three more." Anko shivered as she thought about how much fun they were going to have together in a few years. "Do it and I'll teach you something cool."
"'elly?" Naruto mumbled, as he hadn't quite mastered speaking clearly while doing the jutsu yet.
"Yep. I know a jutsu that speeds up your reflexes, by using chakra to stimulate your nerves and as a nice little side effect it makes your recovery time almost instantaneous, as long as you have the chakra to power it." She drooled a little as she considered the fact that, unlike most Jonin, he actually had the reserves to use it!
Elsewhere . . .
Sarutobi wasn't quite sure how to react to the more then slightly unbalanced girl's plans for the Kyubi container. While it was true that the girl's intentions were mostly benign, he couldn't help but feel a surge of jealousy every time he thought of Naruto's situation. The Hokage growled as he watched the busty girl train the village pariah, no boy should be that lucky.
Life quickly fell into a routine for the odd 'couple.' Anko spent nearly every available free moment with Naruto in order to train him in the ways of the ninja . . . well, some of the ways of the ninja anyway.
"What is it Naruto?"
"Will you ever teach me that jutsu that lets you swallow a sword?"
"No and I don't want you to ever think about learning again," Anko said harshly. Damn it, the little brat was gonna be her boyfriend and she wasn't going to all this trouble just so her old teacher could get the brat for himself. "Understand. "
"Yes," he agreed. No, he thought glumly.
Anko sighed as she saw that not only didn't he understand, but he was also disappointed. "It's the kind of thing Sasuke would learn and no male that learns that jutsu should be trusted." She told him, knowing just what buttons to push.
"Really? He looked at her thoughtfully.
"You want to be Hokage, right? Well the bastard Orochimaru learned THAT jutsu and was passed over for Hokage, despite being the snake sanin. They decided that the Yellow Flash was much more manly than he was and made HIM Hokage."
Determination blazed in Naruto's eyes. "I swear, I will become the manliest man in all the village!"
"That the spirit!"
What makes a man the manliest?' Naruto thought to himself, before deciding he'd have to do a little research on the subject.
Later, at the hot springs…
Naruto leaned back in the water and relaxed. His newly invented sexy jutsu seemed to have done the trick. The girls were talking about how manly their men were and giggling and even though they talked about a lot of different things being manly there was one thing they all seemed to agree was manly.
Hmmm. I wonder if that jutsu can be used in other ways."
After some training…
"Anko look," Naruto called out. He proudly held up a hand with fifteen inch fingers, thinking about what the girls had said about big hands being manly.
"You figured out a way to adapt the tongue extending technique for other appendages?" Anko asked, she was impressed and then a thought hit her. "Uh . . . Naruto."
"Be sure to practice making all of your appendages longer and thicker." she ordered.
"All of them?"
"Anything that dangles off your body," she agreed. "Understand? "
"Yes," he replied. No, he thought. Naruto was beginning to accept the fact that he'd never understand girls, a truth most men didn't learn till their early thirties.
Wait, didn't the girls talk about dangly bits being big as a manly thing, but you had to know how to use it and be able to…' Naruto's thoughts trailed off as he went in search of a board and some six inch spikes.
Training ground 36, later that evening.
"And always remember that training is itself the goal. To be a man one must train to the utmost and never stop! Man's indomitable spirit is what you must strive for!" Gai said stoically and smiled at his young apprentice, both dressed in traditional a gi.
"Yes, Sensei! Training is its own reward!" Lee affirmed.
The two stopped as they heard a loud thunk and some young boy cussing like Anko when faced with a Dango shortage.
Curiously they stepped around a tree and saw Naruto… training.
Naruto reached down and picked up his latest success in the lengthening jutsu and slammed it hard against a spike, driving it a third of the way through a two by four, before pausing and cursing loudly enough to turn the air around him blue and then starting the whole cycle over again.
The two leaf nin slowly backed behind the tree again.
"That… that… that…" Gai stuttered.
"That youth…" Lee said in wonder.
"Yes, Youth." Guy said firmly.
"The power of youth?" Lee asked.
"YES! The power of Youth!" Gai shouted, "We have been lax in our training I see that now. But no more! Come my youthful apprentice we must learn to blaze with the power of youth!"
And after buying green spandex suits, to make their packages look bigger, the two set off to a new destiny of non-stop training and annoying those around them.
The academy, weeks later…
"Listen up," Iruka yelled, "today we're going to be learning a bit of Hojojutsu. This is important because failure to do a good job could endanger you or your team. We're lucky to have a guest instructor today who is going to help us all learn how to do this right." Kurenai chose that moment to appear in a swirl of leaves.
"Thank you Iruka," she said with a smile, "now the first thing you need to know is . . ."
"Sensei, you forgot at least eight ropes and five knots to do the job right!" He said thinking of the way he'd been trained in properly tying someone up.
"NARUTO!" Iruka screamed. "You are not the expert here." Naruto watched for another five minutes before closing his eyes in disgust and putting his head on his desk.
"NARUTO," Iruka yelled, "pay attention."
"Why should I?" Naruto asked in a sullen tone. "You're doing it all wrong."
"Care to show us then?" Kurenai asked in a dangerously calm voice. She knew that the brat was an orphan so he didn't have any clan techniques, she was also a bit annoyed to have her teaching skills impinged upon in front of the class. "How about a wager? If you can tie me up so I can't escape I'll . . ."
"All you can eat ramen," Naruto cheered.
"Fine," she agreed, "but if I can get out of it then I'm going to tie you up and leave you here until tomorrow morning." She wouldn't really, but he didn't know that.
"Fine," Naruto agreed, "but I'm not supposed to let anyone see my technique."
"Why don't you take the class outside for a short break then Iruka?" Kurenai suggested. "I'll show the proper way of getting out of restraints when you get back."
"Stand up and form an orderly . . ." Was as far as the poor teacher got before a mob of screaming children crowded their way out. "Oh never mind."
"You bet," Naruto agreed, "for the ramen."
Naruto walked out to get Iruka fifteen minutes later and he was astounded by what he found when he returned to the classroom. His fellow instructor was bound and suspended from the ceiling, her arms were bound tightly around her back and the ropes around her chest did things to her breasts that captured his attention for several seconds before he managed to drag his eyes to another part of her body to find large knots strategically positioned over erogenous zones.
"Mmmph." Kurenai tried to speak around the ball gag the little brat had produced from somewhere.
"Do you want me to cut you loose?" He managed to stammer. Her emphatic nods. He quickly produced a kunai and slashed the ropes.
"Thanks," Kurenai said as she rubbed her jaw, "where the hell did he learn to do that?"
"I don't know," Iruka admitted, "he shows up with strange techniques sometimes." Iruka shuddered as he remembered the tentacle no jutsu, there were things in this world that no man should see.
After being released from her bonds, Kurenai watched as the brat . . . students pored back into the classroom.
"Did I win?" Naruto asked excitedly.
"Yes you won," she agreed absently, "but where'd you learn those techniques?"
"My girlfriend taught me," Naruto said loudly.
"Girlfriend? " Kurenai glanced around the room, her eyes finally settling on Ino after remembering who the girl's parents were and the rumors she'd heard about them. "Starting younger and younger," she sighed, "don't you think you're a bit young to learn these things?"
"My girlfriend said that it's ok to learn these things but illegal to do them," Naruto explained. Anko had screamed something similar every time he mastered one of her techniques . . . followed by lots of cursing and occasionally she'd leave for an hour or so and come back looking tired.
"Well . . . just don't do anything too drastic until you get older."
"Okay," Naruto agreed. He still had no idea what the crazy lady was talking about but he thought it was best to humor her.
Later still . . .
Anko growled . . . that little Hyuuga slut was eyeing her future man again . . . well, she thought the little Hyuuga slut was eyeing her future man anyway, it was always hard to tell with that clan. Bunch of dirty voyeurs, she thought to herself . . . although . . . maybe it wouldn't be so bad if the little bitch just watched. Anko grinned at the thought, actually it was a bit of a turn on, especially since she'd never know when the brat was using those freaky eyes of hers. On second thought, so long as the Hyuuga kept her hands to herself then all would be well in the world.
Little did she know that Hinata was indeed eyeing her man, quite frequently in fact, as she had caught the tail end of one of his hammering' sessions. Hinata, being no fool had quickly manipulated all the other girls in class into going after the emo-boy, Sas… something or other, figuring if they weren't skilled enough to realize how… talented Naruto was, it was best that they learned to deal with disappointment men and after using her bloodline, she knew the emo-avenger was a very disappointing example.
Anko frowned as she thought about what to teach the kid next . . . perhaps some form of Bunshin? Anko smiled in anticipation as she thought about using a three way no jutsu rather than having to share. Mud Bunshin were just messy . . . lube Bunshin maybe . . . no, better stick with a variant that was capable of independent thought.
"What are you gonna teach me today Anko?" Naruto asked, looking up at her with innocent blue eyes.
"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu," Anko replied. "It'll make it so there's more of you." Anko drooled at the thought of experiencing the three way no jutsu . . . or even the legendary gang bang no jutsu. "Now be a good boy and learn it quickly so we can move on to something else."
"Ok Anko," Naruto agreed cheerfully.
After Kakashi's bell test . . .
"So," Anko purred causing Kakashi to shudder. "You like to play insertion games do you?" Kakashi winced when he saw the look on her face, how was he supposed to know that she'd befriended the little brat?
The Next day, Team Seven was surprised to find someone waiting for them at their meeting place.
"Anko," Naruto screamed happily.
"Hey Naruto," Anko replied. "Looks like I'm gonna be your new teacher."
"What happened to the other guy?" Naruto asked. "The one with the stupid mask?"
"Him?" Anko giggled. "He's in the hospital getting intimately acquainted with the villages' best proctologists. "
"Prok . . . pr . . . uh . . ."
"Ass Doctors," Anko explained.
Far away, a trio of proctologists were staring in fascination at Kakashi's poor and severely abused posterior.
"Do you know how she managed to get the pineapple up without breaking it?" One finally asked.
AN: Twist on the whole Naruto gets a teacher plot. Anko finds him and teaches him all sorts of potentially perverted Jutsu while waiting for him to grow up. Hojojutsu is the art of tying people up, often (incorrectly) called Shibari if you're using Japanese, you'll get much more interesting pictures if you google Shibari though since the term has been adopted to mean the more perverted ways of tying up a person. Thanks go to dogbertcarroll who rewrote a lot of this and AlanP for a couple parts and the idea to give Naruto a whole new reason to work on rope tying skills.
Just a Few Omake
Anko Growled at the Ramen girl as she flirted with Naruto, how dare that bit . . . on the other hand, what bondage dungeon was complete without a gimp? Anko giggled happily as she skipped merrily towards the Hokage's tower. Incidentally, this uncharacteristic display convinced three of Orochimaru's agents that they'd been made and that their master's former student was imagining all the horrible things she'd be permitted to inflict on them after they'd been taken into custody. One took pills, another cut his wrists, and the third elected to hang herself. Konoha had just scored a major counter intelligence triumph and they'd never know it.
"Hey old man," Anko called out as she strolled into the Hokage's office, "I want to hire a Gennin team for a D ranked construction mission."
"What's the mission?" The Hokage asked. "You need a new fence or something?"
"Nah, I need them to construct a bondage dungeon under my tea room."
"A . . . what?"
"Bondage dungeon," Anko said cheerfully, "isn't it great? I got the plans from Ibiki in exchange for . . . well, on second thought. You don't even want to know what that guy's into." Anko considered herself a fairly open minded girl, more and more so as the years passed without any action, but there were somethings that even she found off putting.
In his office at the heart of the Torture and Interrogation section. Ibiki carefully arranged his new tea set around the table, being sure to put a cup and saucer in front of each of his stuffed animals and another in front of a very freaked out missing nin.
"How do you take your tea?" He asked in his cutest voice.
Back with Anko and the Hokage . . .
"I suppose I could take that mission," Sarutobi agreed reluctantly, "um . . ."
"And be sure there's enough room for several people," Anko continued, "and at least one live in gimp."
"I love it," Ayame squealed, "but where are the others?"
"Others?" Anko asked dumbly.
"Every proper bondage dungeon has at least three gimps," Ayame lectured. " One on the wall hanging by their wrists naked, one tied to a rack, and at least one in Hojojutsu on a wooden horse with nipple clamps and a bondage mask that holds her mouth open as her arms are held behind her back strait in arm-binders."
"Oh . . . I didn't know that," Anko admitted in shame.
Anko watched in horror as her old teacher disrupted the Chunin exams. Due to a rather obscure village law, Chunin and Jonin were legally considered adults no matter what their actual age rather then the normal sixteen for Gennin and civilians. And now . . . now her old teacher had disrupted the exam, ruining Naruto's chances for promotion and Anko's chances to finally get some.
"GRAWWWWWWWW," she screamed in rage as she ran towards her old teacher, killing everything that got in her way. By his actions, Orochimaru had prevented Anko from becoming a real woman and she would make him beg for death.
"What's wrong sensei?" Orochimaru asked in a silky voice. "Getting . . ." He shuddered as a feeling of unspeakable dread rushed through his body.
Seizing his chance, the Hokage did what all truly great fighters do when their opponent is distracted.
"Wooo Pah," Sarutobi screamed as he put an end to his former student.
Anko arrived just in time to see her former master fall. "He's dead," she said dully, "he's dead and now I don't have anyone to work out my frustrations on." Anko screamed.
"You know what?" Sarutobi asked nervously. "I think Naruto's actions today prove that he has what it takes to be promoted to Chunin . . . so by order of the Hokage he's a Chunin and thus a legal adult."
"Really?" Anko asked with sparkling eyes.
AN: Might have to revisit this story some time, needs a LOT of polish and filler to be a real story. As it is it's a bunch of scenes loosely tied together and a couple Omake.