Melee School Boys: Prom
Mewtwo walked into his classroom, as per usual. Spring Break was, unfortunately, over, and Mewtwo thought it just wasn't long enough. He set his briefcase on his desk and placed his coffee mug on the podium. Nicholas, through the powers of some deity, managed to get his sight back, however, he had to wear glasses to compensate for the handicap. But he was fine, overall. He carried a stick around, anyway, just to hit people with it, because let's face it, hitting people was fun. At least, it was for him. He sat down in his seat and took out his five subject notebook. That was all he ever took with him, anyway, and he got straight As in the class. Mewtwo did nothing but sit at his desk and plot for world domination on a portable fifteen by seventeen inch Expo board he bought from Wal Mart for five bucks, sipping coffee every now and then from his "I had hot sexxorz with Uther and grabbed his apricrotch while doing so" coffee mug that he got from his mother for Christmas (along with a sweater from Giovanni, which had the line "PHEER MAI DANSHING WEAPUNS" on it).
Link skipped into the classroom, happy as a lark. Unfortunately for Mewtwo, Link sat in front of his mahogony desk (with a matching wastebasket that cost five hundred dollars), and Mewtwo absolutely hated the teen. LMIA was known to cause people to get angry at things for no reason, but Mewtwo didn't care. He outlined his "fool proof" plan on paper so he had a hard copy of it and placed it in an envelope labelled "Tax Returns". No one would think to look there. He took out his lesson planner, his attendance/grade book, and a pen and floated them over to the podium. The pokemon waited for the rest of his students to waltz right in and act like their stupid selves (which was most of the time, which was why Mewtwo had a stress ball in the top drawer of his desk). He picked up the national newspaper and opened it, propping his feet up on the desk and leaning back in his chair as he did so.
"Heh heh," he said, "A car crash that killed a tree and knocked a telephone pole onto a stripper. Interesting."
Mewtwo didn't have to look up from his copy of the "Nintendo Land Times" to know when the blue headed prince entered the classroom; the large crash resulting from him running into the wall was all anyone needed to hear.
"Good morning, Lowell," the pokemon said telepathically, still not looking up from his newspaper. The article on Pokémon Rights was extremely interesting.
"Owch," was all the tiara-wearing boy said, rubbing his head and brushing his hair from his eyes. The dent in the wall was now bigger; some plaster had fallen and laid in a pile on the floor. He got up and walked over to his seat, limping slightly, and sat down. Something wasn't right with the swordsman, but so far, no one noticed.
Link was asleep, his head on the desk. Mewtwo looked at him with the same look Draco Malfoy threw at Harry Potter every time they were both mentioned on the same page. Nicholas was playing something on his Gameboy Advance.
"Dammit, Florina," he shouted at the black handheld. "You're not supposed to die! You were supposed to dodge that ballista! Ugh." He selected something from the menu and shook the handheld angrily.
"Now I have to restart the damn chapter."
"Perfectionist," Mewtwo muttered, and turned to the obituaries.
"'Timmy McTimmerson died from falling down a well.' Hmm...who really cares?"
Mewtwo looked up from his paper, mouth agape when a boy with a pink Nintendo DS entered the room and sat in front of Nicholas.
"You're in the wrong class, imbecile," he said, glaring, not recognising the student.
"Uh, no I'm not," the boy said in a feminine sounding voice, playing a game by the name of Seima no Kouseki.
Nicholas poked the boy in front of him, and as a result, got a DS stylus shoved through the lens in his glasses and into his retina.
"You're in Stephanie's seat."
The boy scoffed and yelled at some girl named "Eirika" before retorting, "No shit I'm in my damn seat."
It was quiet. Too quiet. Mewtwo didn't like it.
"I'm Stephen now."
"Yeah," Marth said, his arm supporting his head. "And my name is Martha."
"That joke is so old," the person who used to be Stephanie said, pressing the D-pad on the DS so hard it was making noises. Noises that would signify it was half broken.
"So what?" Marth replied, writing something on a piece of paper that was conveniently lying around doing nothing.
There was a screeching sound from outside the classroom, but everyone ignored it. Link woke up and looked outside the door to see skid marks that looked (oddly enough) like shoe scoff marks. They were on fire, like a Vin Diesel movie or something. Perhaps Nascar. Maybe "The Fast and the Furious". The door slammed open, causing Mewtwo to throw down his newspaper and shoot dark energy balls at whoever was disturbing the peace--or rather, his peace--and laughing evilly as he did so.
"It's official," Nicholas said. "Mr. Mewtwo's lost his mind."
"You just realised this?" Stephen asked, switching his Seima for his Phoenix Wright. "He's been insane for quite some time now."
Nicholas said nothing. There was nothing to be said, because what Stephen said was true. Everyone often wondered why Mr. Mewtwo wasn't in an asylum yet.
Then again, their principal was named Mr. Crazy L. Hand.
Enough about their crazy principal.
The figure at the door dodged the blast, which ended up breaking a window and hitting an innocent bystander: a short, fat guy in blue overalls and a red shirt and cap.
"Mama-mia!" was all that was said before he was KO'd with one hundred and fifty percent damage. He stood no chance. Luckily, he had set the stock to six.
"If you want to kill me," the boy said, "you could at least be a little more discreet about it."
"Bite me," the pokemon replied as the figure took his seat behind Link.
"What, Roy?" The monarch was bored and resorted to arranging the books on the shelves by the date they were published.
"Where's your tiara?"
Silence. Nicholas stopped doodling pictures of two girls named Katie and Jordana making out to wonder why the room was so quiet. Stephen stopped playing and was brought back to his game when he heard "OBJECTION" being shouted through the speakers by some guy named Miles Edgeworth. Link continued doodling obscene pictures of him and his music teacher doing the mattress mambo. Roy was standing by his seat behind Link, having stood due to shock. Marth was on his knees, in front of the bookshelf, eyes wide. Mewtwo lit up a cigarette and acted as if this was normal ('Then again,' Mewtwo thought, inhaling over seven hundred deadly chemicals, 'this is Marth we're talking about. Him having an OCD attack was the norm.').
He turned to the Business section of the "Nintendo Land Times" and looked for another job. Sadly, there was none. He cursed, silently. The job market sucked eggs.
There was a thud. Not a loud thud, but a thud nonetheless. Roy ran over to the prince and slapped him a few times. Link whipped out his cell phone.
"Quick! What's the number for 9-1-1?"
"...You're an idiot," Stephen said.
Link dialed the number and got a busy signal.
"What kind of business is this?!" he yelled, and threw his phone across the room.
"Marth! Marth! MARTH!" Roy was now slapping Marth with a dead fish Nicholas just so happened to have had stashed in his bookbag. It was a rainbow trout and it smelled like a Yeast infection, but no one cared.
"Holy father fucking Yoshis!" Link said.
"What?" Roy said, shaking the swordsman.
"I just realised I can call Zelda!" Roy slapped himself. Hard.
Link picked up his half-broken cell phone and called her.
"Hello? I have a swordsman down, and I need help a-sap. I don't care if you're in the middle of teaching a class! This is a life-or-death situation here! Marth could be dead!"
Marth finally came to and rubbed his head.
"Well, you left your tiara on your dresser this morning and I told you and then you fainted is what happened," Roy answered. Marth almost fainted again, but didn't because the late bell rang.
"Pardon the interruption, but prom bids are due by the end of the month. Anyone who does not hand in their bids can't go to prom!" the woman over the intercom said. No one cared, though.
"Ugh," Stephen said. "I have to find a date."
"I have a date," Nicholas said, triumphant.
"With who, your mom?"
"...No, with that turtle guy."
Link butted into the conversation.
"Bowser isn't a turtle. He's a mutated turtle."
Roy shoved Link.
"No, dumbass, Bowser's a mutated Koopa."
"What's the difference?"
Roy had no answer.
"That's what I thought."
"I'm probably bringing my girlfriend," Roy said, tapping his pen against his desk. "She likes dressing up and making all the girls jealous of her and stuff."
Link wrote something and held the paper up.
"No, Link, Zelda won't go with you," Roy said, answering what Link wrote on the paper. Link sadfaced and wrote something else.
"No, not even if you bribe her with money," Roy replied, and Link crumpled the paper up and threw it at Roy.
"What the heck do you know?"
"Battle tactics, how to dismember someone, how to get girls to like me without them noticing, how to make tea..."
Link slapped him.
"Hey!" Roy said, getting ready to throttle the boy in green.
"I have no date, and I'm probably not even going," Marth said, calmly, effectively interrupting the fight that was more than likely to take place.
"Do you realise how weird you look without your tiara?" Roy said, letting go of Link's arm, and looked at the tiara-less swordsman.
"Yes, Roy, I do."
Marth actually looked more like a girl without his tiara than he did with it. How ironic.
Gary Stu strolled in, happy to be out of that bottomless pit that the judges of the Battle of the Bands threw him in. He flashed a smile that blinded an old lady and killed a few kittens, and went to his seat, which was conveniently in front of Marth.
"Apricrots," the Stu said, acting as if nothing out of the ordinary was going on. Nicholas giggled and Stephen stabbed him with a hi-liter.
"What?" Stephen asked. "That makes no sense!"
"...What're you talking about?" Gary said, not understanding the question.
No one said anything. Marth just stared at him.
"It's obvious that the lights are on, but no one's home," Marth said, slumping over his desk.
"I want to touch your apricrotch," Gary said to the boy next to him (which happened to be Link). Link was weirded out and moved his desk as far out of Gary's reach as possible.
"Everyone hates me!" Gary whined, and got out the Simple Emo CD and sang, off key, "HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?"
"Oh dear Elimine," Roy said, covering his ears with his headband. "What did I do to deserve this?"
"I WAS SO BADASS."
Marth snerked. Mewtwo threw his desk lamp at Gary. He, however, kept on singing.
Mewtwo had had enough of the madness and set Gary Stu on fire as a way to shut him up
"I will have order in my classroom!" the purple pokemon said.
"You all have homework. Read the whole text book. You will be quizzed." The bell rang, and everyone ran like hell out of there. Mewtwo took out a razor blade and threw it at a dartboard. He ran out of darts a long time ago.
"Why me, God, why me?"
- - -
Marth fell asleep in his third period class. Luckily for him, he sat in the back, and the teacher didn't give a crap anyway. The boy next to him kept taking pictures of him with the flash on, and when Marth had had enough, snapped and threw a dagger at the boy. The dagger missed and hit the far wall.
"Mr. Lowell, please don't throw sharp objects. You could hurt someone with them," his teacher said as if she were talking to a three year old.
Marth said nothing and fell asleep. God, life sucked. The boy behind him stuck a sign to his blazer that said "Will fuck for five dollars" on it in blue Sharpie. Marth didn't notice. In fact, when the bell rang, he still didn't notice, and wondered why all these boys were holding out five dollar bills and asking for "favours".
Marth walked to his fourth period class, which happened to be Chorus, and opened the door. At that moment, someone opened the other door and hit Marth right in the face. The person merely passed him as if nothing happened.
"Today just isn't my day." The bluenette remembered that he shared his fourth period with Roy, which meant the boy would go on and on about his personal life, and sat in his usual spot: on the left side as far away from everyone else as humanly possible. Marth didn't really like social interaction, and was mostly quiet. Zelda was sitting in front of the piano and playing a depressing song; then again, everything she played sounded depressing. It was the way she played everything. Marth laid his head down on the desk and watched the door open and slam close, mesmerised. He barely noticed his red headed companion enter the classroom and sit next to him.
"...You...you do realise there's a sign on your back, right?" the general asked, ripping it off the blazer. Marth sat up and noticed Roy wasn't wearing his light blue blazer.
"You'll get in trouble for wearing your jacket 'round your waist," Marth said, ignoring Roy's question.
"Marth, are you feeling well? You look like you haven't slept for ages." The boy in question rubbed his eyes with a hand and yawned. Zelda hit a sour note and Marth winced--his ears were quite sensitive when it came to music.
"I've been having these weird dreams, lately," the prince replied, and yawned again. Roy crossed his legs and looked through a Music Theory book left by the previous class.
"Define them to me."
"De-define?" Marth asked, questioning the boy's word choice.
"...What, did I not use the right word?"
"...Well, it seemed kind of odd."
Roy pondered for a moment.
"Well, what word would you use then?"
"I don't know... your whole sentence sounds awkward."
"And you said 'define' weird, too."
"Yes. You said 'de-fin'."
"Ah, I see," Roy said, scratching his forearm.
"It sounded kind of...foreign."
"What?" Marth asked.
"Well, I guess my accent snuck in there."
"...But you don't have an accent."
"Do you realise how often we hang around?"
"Well...yes, that is true," Marth answered sheepishly.
"I guess I lapsed into my accent, that's all."
Marth took it as being that and let the subject rest.
"Now...sentence structure? Are you going to give me an English lesson or something?"
It was Marth's turn to laugh.
"Perhaps," he said. "'Define them to me,' sounds kind of odd. If you said 'Tell me about them,' it would have been better and--"
"Marth, you're rambling."
Marth shut up.
"I, uh, guess that's just the way I talk."
"...Is that how Pheraean sentence structure is?"
"...Well, Marth, we don't use "tell" in that kind of way. We use 'define', like, 'define it to me'..."
Marth was lost.
"I'd have to teach you Pheraean in order for you to understand."
"Then teach me," Marth replied, taking Roy's hand. Roy blushed.
"Um...okay..." He cleared his throat.
"Anyway, about these dreams... tell me about them."
"Well...they... They involve you."
Now Roy was interested.
Marth shifted in his seat and removed his hand from Roy's. He fiddled with his tie, something he did when he was thinking or nervous about something.
"...Well..." Here his voice dropped to a whisper, and Roy had to lean over to hear, "they're...they're erotic dreams."
Roy drew back quickly, his back hitting the shelf next to him that was built into the floor.
"You're having erotic dreams about me?!"
The piano stopped playing, the people with fourth period lunch stopped eating, and everyone ended up looking at the two swordsmen.
"But Marth, you're...you're involved with someone."
Marth rolled his eyes.
"Thanks for reminding me of Sheeda. But the thing is, she's all the way back in Altea. Because of that...well, I don't see her very often, and you and I are together a lot. It's only natural that..."
"But married people aren't supposed to have those kind of dreams about...well...I'm not Sheeda! Why are you having dreams about me?! That's cheating!"
"Who told you that was cheating?" Marth's tie was now half undone.
"...My father told me."
Marth stood up.
"That's because your father was in love with only one woman!" Roy sat all the way back in his seat and winced.
"Roy...I think I'm in love with you!"
"Will you people mind your own damn business?" Everyone went back to what they were doing, and Zelda played the piano louder, ignoring the Fire Emblem boys. Roy fiddled with the sign he took off of Marth's back. He was clearly uncomfortable.
"Well, this is awkward," Roy said, tossing the paper back and forth in his hands.
"Roy...I'm so confused!" Marth sat down and laid his head down on the desk in his crossed arms.
The red head crumpled the sign up and tossed it into the garbage. It went in, and everyone cheered. Roy ignored them.
He moved to the edge of his seat towards Marth, hands folded between his legs.
"...Are you saying you're questioning your marriage?"
"No. No, I'm not. I mean, I love Sheeda but..." Marth gave Roy a dazed look.
"I think I'm having a midlife crisis."
"But Marth, you're only eighteen."
"Okay then, a pre-midlife crisis. What's the difference?"
Roy sighed, and Marth fell onto the floor.
"M-Marth?" Roy asked, getting out of his chair and to Marth's side.
He stared at Roy long and hard before he pushed Roy onto the floor, got on top of him, and kissed him fiercely.
"HELLO FIRE EMBLEM BOYS WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
Marth jumped up off of Roy and three feet into the air, crashing into Link on the way down.
"Ow," the blond said, holding his fries in the air to avoid them being crushed by the prince.
"Well hello to you, too, Marth," Link said, munching on a french fry. He got his lunch switched to fourth period instead. Roy propped himself up using his arms and snorted.
"WHAT DID YOU SEE?" Marth shouted, grabbing Link by the collar.
"Err, nothing except you on the floor. Why?"
"Nothing! No reason!" Marth let go of Link's shirt and composed himself; he sat down and acted as if nothing had happened. Link helped Roy up and they both took their seats, Link shoving three fries into his mouth as he did so.
"We're having a crisis here, Link. Go flirt with Zelda or something," the general said, rubbing Marth's back with a hand.
"Good idea!" Link said, and went over to Zelda, almost tripping on the carpet and dumping his lunch right on her in the process.
"Ask Sheeda to the prom."
"But I can't!"
"Because I am having a pre-midlife crisis and I am a confused and complex individual!"
"...Well who do you want to take to prom?"
"It'd be too awkward!" Now Marth was being stubborn.
Roy said something that Marth didn't understand.
"'Just tell me' I said!"
"If you say so."
Marth took a deep breath.
"I want you to go with me."
Before Roy could answer, the bell rang, signalling lunch was over and the journey to the next class was to begin.
"I'll think about it," Zelda said before Link shot out the door. Marth and Roy merely shook their heads and knew Zelda probably said "yes". Marth was confused as all hell about his love life and Roy had a headache from tripping over the carpet and knocking his head smack into the door.
"We need new carpeting in this room," Zelda remarked, and continued playing something from Les Misérables.
Author's Notes: Notice anything different? Well, I revised this chapter and added a lot of stuff to it, so no, you're not seeing things.
Feedback is welcome and appreciated!