Shards of Glass
( Riku & Kairi & Sora )
prompt : faith
challenge by : rokukami
Disclaimer: I do not own KH, its characters, settings, etc. These words, however, are mine.
trust or belief
I will not die, I'll wait here for you
I feel alive, when you're beside me
I will not die, I'll wait here for you
In my time of dying
-- Three Days Grace
A single last drip of water.
All I can do is run… Straight for it.
Maybe someday, they can cure this endless pain.
x ♥ x
I couldn't say when exactly it happened. It just… Did.
"Riku!" A shake.
"Riku! Get up!" Someone jumped on top of me, hard. Their knees dug into my sides and I resisted the urge to curse and yell.
Normally, the sound of their voices could get me up in an instant. I couldn't say why now, the sound of their voices made me want to just stay in bed and sleep the day away. What had changed?
Maybe it was just because they were always so… Happy.
As stupid and as wrong as it sounds, when I saw them smiling and managing to feel what they felt, it only made me feel more alone than I already was. Sadness and depression overwhelmed me these days and it was only getting worse and worse.
"No…" I barely mumbled, rolling over onto my stomach and taking a squealing Kairi with me. I tucked her -- securely -- under my arm and nuzzled my face into her hair, trying to fall back into the warm and so very welcome blanket of sleep.
Kairi, not exactly having the use of her arms, somehow managed to bite my nose to which I merely reacted with an annoyed frown. It didn't surprise me in any way though. These were the kind of things I expected from her.
"It's almost noon." She whispered right into me ear. She licked it and blew into it seconds afterward and that was just too much for me too handle. I quickly let go of her and covered my head with a fluffed up pillow, trying to drown out their voices.
"C'mon Riku." Sora finally piped up. I opened one eyes lazily and poked my head out from under my safe haven -- which was ultimately a bad move as Kairi took the opportunity to yank the thing away from me -- and found Sora to be right up in my face. "It's a nice day?" He added.
"Is it ever any different?" I muttered, pushing myself up onto my knees. But really, it was true. There was never a day that went by where it wasn't gorgeous outside on Destiny Islands.
I blinked a few times and yawned, standing. "Just wait for me outside alright?"
Kairi nodded and grabbed Sora's arm. They walked out together and I listened to them make their way downstairs and out the door, talking and laughing animatedly about something I was sure wasn't worth all the fun.
For a moment I just sat there on my bed, looking entirely too lost. My eyes wandered over everything in my room -- pictures of better times, letters from Kairi (who wrote them and sent them to me for whatever reason seeing as how we live about five minutes from each other), just everything that gave me a reason to be happy.
And so, I wondered, why exactly was that not the case?
Sighing and trying to shake myself free of the sudden wave of nostalgia, I walked out of my room with a few odd necessities and made my way into the washroom.
That, ultimately, was a worse move. I turned to look in the mirror and for a split second, I asked myself a question I'd been wanting the answer to for a long time. "Who is this person looking back at me?" The need to destroy the mirror took over and before I was aware of what I was doing, there was shattered glass on the floor around me.
I threw myself out of the bathroom and found drawing in a breath was difficult.
A pain in my stomach and chest was growing and it was so much more than emotional -- physically, I could feel myself losing a piece of myself and I was thrown into a void of searing hurt and regret.
I pushed back the onslaught of emotion threatening to take over and quickly made my way down the stairs. I stopped in front of the door, stilling my hand on the knob. Should I go out with them, or should I just stay home and try to deal with this…?
In the end, I stepped out into the light and warmth and resolved to make today a good one -- disregarding the events of earlier. Kairi giggled at my disheveled appearance and I threw a grin at her quite easily. I was always so good at that, it seemed, because nobody ever seemed to notice how I was really feeling.
Or maybe they just saw it and didn't want to deal with it.
It was my problem after all.
I lowered my eyes and fell behind both Sora and Kairi, not at all feeling bad for wanting to wallow in self pity.
There was just something inside of me that wouldn't let me talk to them about this, whatever it was. I wanted them to be happy and not pulled down with an issue that they might've not wanted to deal with -- but that obviously was only hurting me in the process and why, I couldn't tell you.
Maybe I just felt left out. They seemed to be so in-sync with each other and they always knew what to do to make the other happy. Maybe I was just tired.
Maybe I would just keep making up these excuses so I wouldn't have to truly deal with this.
Useless, was I.
And then suddenly, I was looking into familiar stormy eyes. Kairi smiled kindly at me and titled her head in question; what was wrong? I shook my head. Her face fell and she looked away from me for a moment, but looked back just as quickly.
"Riku, we're going to go to the mall, alright?"
I looked over her head at Sora, who was making faces behind her back. Neither of us wanted to go to the mall with this shop-a-holic, but we both knew we were going anyways.
"Yeah, yeah." I said, rolling my eyes.
She winked. "Jeez, don't sound so happy."
I merely grunted and brushed past her. Sora and I began walking again and a few minutes later, Kairi was between the two of us and chattering away about what we were going to do when we got to the mall.
"Well, you two need some new clothing. I get this whole fashion change with being away from here for a long time, but seriously…"
I'm sure it wasn't just me who tuned her voice out. Until, of course, one dreaded word popped up.
Cue horrified groans.
She frowned and hit us both in the arm.
Sora put his arms behind his head lazily and glanced sideways at Kairi. "Why do we need new clothing? And make-up? You hardly need it."
Kairi blushed at the compliment, but stood her ground on the clothing part.
"We can buy our own clothes, you know." Riku supplied.
"That's why you've just so suddenly done it, right?"
The back and forth comments continued until we had managed to walk through the doors of the mall. Sora immediately tried to wander off in the direction of the video games, but Kairi reigned him back in and dragged his reluctant self into the clothing store. Seeing that there was nothing to do otherwise, I followed.
Kairi busied herself with Sora first and so I casually slipped away without either noticing. Things passed me by in slow motion and like a blur. I became unaware of everything around me as everything started to meld together. The sounds, the feeling, the smells -- all of it was so insignificant compared to the inner turmoil raging inside of me.
Would things always be like this now?
Would I be stuck like this forever?
I stopped walking without my noticing it on the second floor of the mall. Try as I might, I couldn't remember getting there, let alone walking out of the store Kairi and Sora were probably still in. I looked out the large bay window I was standing in front of and took in the beautiful sight in front of me.
Birds were swirling through the air, enjoying the sunshine like every other day. There were tons of people walking around outside, groups of friends chattering away about their weekend plans, adults debating over serious issues -- and it was all happening with intense relaxation and enjoyment.
Things were too easy for some people, I thought. Things came and went too easily.
I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, letting the tension drain from my body. Bad thoughts. I didn't need to start wishing things on and resenting people for things that weren't their fault.
I turned and walked away until I heard the screech of laughter on the first floor. I walked over to the railing and, like I knew I would, saw both Kairi and Sora running around downstairs.
That hurt. It hurt and for no particular reason or fault of their own.
Slipping my hands into my pockets, I started to make my way down the stairs and waited for them to leave the circular main lobby before I walked across it over to the doors leading outside. I didn't want to be here anymore. I didn't want to be anywhere right now, really.
I just wanted some kind of peace.
So I walked, with haste, through town. Subconsciously, I found myself making my way towards my house. Interesting how you always walked to the one place that reminded you too much of what you thought you were missing. Life, love, all those things one needed to function in the world.
All the things I was sure I wasn't able to feel anymore.
I couldn't feel anything anymore. The inability to feel was becoming more and more obvious to me. Pleasure, pain, happiness, sadness -- I always thought it was there and the next second I wondered how I'd ever gotten such a notion.
I walked upstairs, leaving the door wide open behind me.
And I realized in that moment, I didn't care.
I didn't want to live like this. I couldn't live like this. It was weighing down on me more than I ever imagined it could and now, I felt, was the breaking point.
And what on earth had caused it?
Why the hell was I so damn unhappy?
I knelt down on the floor in the bathroom and picked up a broken shard of glass, holding it up in front of my eyes. I could see just a piece of myself in that tiny portion of a whole and it just reminded me of myself and how broken I'd become.
I fell backwards, not caring if I fell on top of any bits and leaned back against the wall, letting the hand holding the glass lay across my stomach. I closed my eyes and cleared my mind as best I could.
A single drop of water.
I wondered, idly, if I was able to stop this pain myself.
Images flashed through my head, some more slowly than others and each much more appealing than the last.
To never have to feel again, to be a part of that endless eternity...
x ♥ x
"Riku!? God, Riku, I'm sorry!"
The screams were circling through his mind, untainted, untouched by any sound, any voice. The shrillness of it, the urgency, it was unsettling and a chill spread over and through his motionless body. He couldn't move, he could speak.
He couldn't comfort.
"Please, please... I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
"Riku, god damn it!"
A tear, not his own, trailed down his cheek. It was warm and caused his skin to tingle pleasantly. Warmth. Something he hadn't felt in a long time. And as his body grew steadily colder and his limited vision became even more so and his hearing dimmed, he knew it would be the last thing he ever felt.
One last whisper and blackness overtook him. Blackness... Darkness, in every sense.
x ♥ x
I woke up to a steady beeping and bright white light. I felt as though I was drifting and my head, my body, everything felt so heavy and fuzzy. I tried to open my eyes, but stopped when I heard two voices from somewhere around me start speaking.
"God, why did he do it, Sora?" A voice I recognized as Kairi's whispered.
There was rustling of clothing before Sora's weary voice could be heard. "I don't know, Kairi. I don't know."
Kairi breathed in deeply and her voice broke with guilt. "I thought… I thought there was something wrong, I could see it in his eyes. Why didn't I…?"
"It's not your fault, Kai."
"Yes, it is Sora. It is. Maybe if he'd thought he could talk to us then… Maybe this wouldn't have happened. We're lucky to have found him when we did!" Her voice was rising to an almost hysterical note.
I couldn't listen to anymore and I forced my eyes opened. I was blinded for a minute and groaned in momentary discomfort.
Someone -- Kairi -- was hugging me fiercely as I tried to adjust myself to my surroundings. I blinked and focused on the things around me, most notably Sora. He looked to tired; there were black circles under his eyes, his clothes were rumpled and he looked absolutely… Horrible.
When Kairi pulled back, I found she looked no better. In fact, she looked worse than Sora did and my heart sank. What had I done?
I couldn't remember anything other than the images that had been flying through my head.
"Riku, oh my god. I was so worried." Kairi said and tears started to gather in her eyes. She blinked and they started trailing down her cheeks. I was mesmerized by her for a second, before I started to panic.
I was hooked up to various pieces of equipment -- I was most certainly in a hospital. Everything was so white and I was beginning to feel closed in. Even though the pair in front of me offered some amount of comfort, my heart started to race wildly.
The god damned machine beside me gave that away.
"Riku, calm down!" Sora said, placing his hand on my shoulder. My frantic eyes met his and for some reason, that soothed me enough to get me to take a step back and assess what happened. It would, of course, be easier if I actually knew what happened.
I swallowed deeply. "Sora…" My voice sounded raspy and dry to my ears and it hurt to speak even that one word. "What happened?"
His eyes widened in shock and Kairi's eyes only filled with more tears. "Riku," she sobbed helplessly. "You don't remember!?"
I squeezed my eyes shut and sifted through my mind for some memory of the previous -- or was it? How long had it been since I'd arrived here? -- day. Nothing was coming to me.
I shook my head morosely.
"Riku, you…" Sora seemed to really struggle with his words. "You… Tried to kill yourself."
A sense of dread enveloped me and I felt icy cold. "…What?"
Kairi shook her head. "Why did you do it Riku? Why?! What did we do, what did I do!?" She seemed so much smaller and she was being so eaten up by guilt that she needn't even feel -- I opened my arms to her and she was snuggled against me before I could even blink.
"I… It's not what you did." I said, looking to the side and away from Sora's miserable gaze.
Kairi raised her head and took my face in her hands, sitting up on her knees beside me. "Then what is it Riku?" Her eyes searched mine. "We're here for you -- always. We love you, you can tell us anything."
My heart soared with those words. So much was lifted off of me then -- loneliness, grief, depression… How I could have been so clueless was beyond me and it startled me to think that those few words were all it took to break down my resolve to hold it all in.
But I knew that, with their help and support, I could get past these demons that haunted me. My best friends -- my life -- were all that mattered to me and I was unable to believe how little faith I'd had in them.
Faith -- such a small word and yet filled with so much meaning.
Something I'd lacked that had broken all three of us to pieces, like little shards of glass.
AN. I completely forgot I was even entered in the challenge until a few days ago (sorry Felia!) XD
Anyways, how angst-ridden am I? Seriously. That's all I seem to write about anymore. My cousin told me to do KH, Riku & Kairi for this challenge, but I changed it to Sora & Riku & Kairi because I hardly ever write them anymore. This turned out the way it did because... Well, I don't know. I just wrote and this is what came out. I'm quite happy with it, although I think I could've taken it further (in the time between them leaving the house to Riku walking away). Oh well.
Hope you enjoyed everyone, especially you rokukami. :D