Cloud's Fantasy

( crack!fic )

Warning: Extreme retardation and sexual implications.

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing of FF7. These words, however, are mine.

Cloud's neck tingled and his hair stood on end -- not that it wasn't standing enough already. The room he stood in was shrouded in darkness; the windows closed, the doors all shut... Closed in save for the the lone stairway that led to his room.

Desolate came to mind.

He walked slowly, emo-like, towards the window and looked out into the darkness.

Or did he?

Blood red eyes stared back at him.

His emo-ness demanded he not react.

Somehow, Vincent Valentine materialized beside Cloud. "I thought I told you to tell Yuffie that this," he shoved his phone into Cloud's face, "that this is my phone!" His words chilled.

But Cloud still remained unaffected.

Vincent's eyes flashed angrily at this and he moved to drag Cloud forcefully up the stairs.

"But," Cloud fretted. "Aerith demands I mourn!"

"Aerith demands you pay more than you mourn."

"Really!" Cloud's eyes lit up. "Hurry then!"

Vincent obliged.

Cloud was confused to see a nude Sephiroth laid across his bed like an offering, his mako-green eyes seductive. "Smother me in gravy, you big dirty man."

Cloud's eyes popped out of his head.

Vincent's voice was velvety in his ear. "Aerith wishes me to tell you to just listen to us."

"But," Cloud sputtered. "I only have whip cream!"

"Good enough." Sephiroth said, almost eagerly.

Jackpot! Cloud thought, giddy.

Suddenly, from the shadows appeared many of Cloud's 'friends'...

Emo kids didn't have any friends.

Tifa, Yuffie, Cid, Barret, Cait and Red, dressed in colourful, sprinkled candy outfits began to sing and dance around the room.

"He's a sugar-coated candyman!"

Sephiroth began to crawl to the edge of the bed slowly, his eyes fixed on Cloud. "Cloud..." He whispered. "Take me here, right... Now..."

"I thought you'd never ask!" Cloud exclaimed, throwing his clothes to the floor.

Clothes he'd unbuttoned for this very moment.


Vincent could only watch the scene with Sephiroth and Cloud unfold for so long. Desperate for his own happiness, he glanced around the room.

His eyes landed on the large water stand in the corner of the room. With vampiric-likeness, he jumped onto it. "Oh, H2O!" He cried, groping and hugging it. "H2O!"

He fell after gaining no response. Laying on the floor, he began to moan and writhe in an orgasmic way. "Lucrecia..." He whispered.

He broke into song then, "my body just likes to slam..."

tifa & yuffie

"This is so erotic!" They screamed in unison!

cloud & sephiroth

Cloud ran his hands along Sephiroth's well-muscled body, grinning in satisfaction. A small bottle of whip cream was held in his other hand, just burning to be used...

And that wasn't the only thing burning...

Suddenly, the door was thrown open and then slammed shut (Vincent mumbled something incoherent then) and in strode the long thought dead...


He stood there ominously for a minute, all eyes staring at him, before he glared evilly at his son, who was now covered in fluffy white whip cream. He raised a hand, pointing and snarled, "get away from that Greek God of a man!"

Crickets chirped.

A tumbleweed or two rolled by...

Some blood spatters from our resident emo.

"He is mine!" Hojo declared.

Sephiroth narrowed his eyes and stood, slapping Cloud's ass in an act of defiance. "There is only one way to settle this..."

Cloud whimpered happily as the possibilities flooded his mind...

How naughty.

"We must fight for him! I challenge you, undying spawn of greasy hell beast!"

"IAMTHEJUDGE!" Cloud screamed, his eyes glazed over.


Cloud pondered the situation carefully, thinking his hardest for something that would be particularly exciting.

"Dirty dancing!" Cloud finally cried.

Hojo and Sephiroth, one clothed and one nude, stood facing each other rigidly. "Get ready to be pwned father. I'm a 1337! dancer."

"Owned? Leet?"

"Just get ready."

Vincent whispered encouraging words to both men who were quivering with anticipation.

For what, was debatable...

The others started signing an appropriate song.

"I wanna get dirrty!"

Then, they danced. Throwing their bodies every which way, thrusting, throwing their heads back suggestively, bucking, grinding...

Hojo was the one who caught Cloud's eye. There was a thin sheen of sweat covering his body and his hair clung to the side of his face... His movements were fiery... Passion filled... It was mesmerizing. Cloud's eyes shone.

"Hojo, god, do you know what you do to me!? The effect you have on me!?" It was so theatrical, so dramatic...!

"Oh Cloud, hee hee!"

Sephiroth, steaming, pulled Hojo back and glowered at him. "Next challenge." He bit out.

1 Hojo, 0 Sephiroth.

Cloud rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

Hmmm... Threesome!

Spirit!Aerith preached the importance of soul-bonding, so no...

"STRIPTEASE!" Tifa and Yuffie yelled, grinning.

Cloud brightened. "Yes! Sephiroth, clothe yourself!"

How he detested saying something like that...

He was dressed in the blink of an eye and Hojo and Sephiroth stood in two separate corners of the room. Cloud, like a child, jumped (skipped) gaily into the centre of the room and sat happily, hands clasped and legs crossed.

"This is so much better than pining!"

"I told you so, Cloud!" Tifa said.

"Love me, love me, feed the flame! Baby, can you play with fireeee!"

"Hilary Duff!" Cloud, Sephiroth and Hojo exclaimed, dancing to the rad music.

Hojo went first. He spun clumsily, trying to unbutton his pants at the same time. He fell and was booed off stage.

Then, Sephiroth the angel went. He was so rythmic, so clean and so quickly declothed. He moved seductively and even teased Cloud by putting himself up in Cloud's face for but a second before he moved away. Cloud had never explored a body's every crevice like so.

"Bucket for your drool?" Cait Sith asked, breaking out of the singing and holding his crown out.

"Sephiroth, you sexy beast!"

"Last challenge!" Hojo cut in.

Cloud was more than happy to listen to the man's words. He'd been waiting for this moment all night.

"Take a few minutes to decide your words..." Cloud said, pausing for effect. "Describe my package!"

Cue Jepoardy theme song.

"Please, I can't take it anymore!" Cloud exploded.


Hojo went first. He looked utterly confused. "What package?"

Cloud's jaw dropped.

"Inferior to mine!" Sephiroth shouted, god-like.

Cloud's little blackened emo heart broke.

Tears streamed down his face. "Aerith! Save me from this suffering!"

But she couldn't have because she'd been enjoying this too...

"What!?" Sephiroth panicked. "But!? But that's a good thing for you!"

ethereal moment

It was then that Cloud saw Cid. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it.

His lips looked magical. Moving so gracefully, so tenderly, so sexually pleasing...

"Cid..." He whispered in awe.

"This blows..." He saw Cid mutter.

Starry-eyed now, Cloud ran to him, arms outstretched.

A shining white light enveloped them both and then Cid looked deep into Cloud's eyes.

Past the gloom, the lies, the emo-ness...

Cloud... Was in love!

And as though under a spell, Cid found his life.

They toppled to the ground and finally lived and loved.


Hojo, Sephiroth and Vincent lay weeping as everyone celebrated.

"God, I hate life!" Sephiroth yelled and threw and fist into the ground.

"If this," Hojo stared horrified and jumped to his feet. "If this, you Cloud-wannabe, is you trying to get me, you fail!"

And then he was gone.

Sephiroth blinked.

Vincent, in a last attempt, reached a hand out lovingly, longingly, to cup Sephiroth's cheek. "Sephiroth, we..."

Sephiroth squealed and ran after his father.

Vincent's expression crumbled. "Another sin." He mumbled.

"I hurt everyone around me, oh... Where is my coffin!"

The End. xoxo

AN. Um... What to say? I wrote this a long time ago with my cousin after she and I indulged ourselves in a crack!fic discussion. She has been... Badgering me to put it up, so here it is. It is total retardation of the characters, yes, I know. XD

God. Anyways, a few notes. None of the songs mentioned in here belong to me. The whole thing with Cloud being emo and my usage of that word applied to him is not meant to offend anybody.

So yeah. It's up. Whatever you think of it, feel free to let me (us) know. Flames, laughter, idiocy, whatever you feel the need to let me hear.