School Reunion (script)

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As you have probably noticed, – because I hardly write about anything else and when I do this subject is obviously in it somehow – the title is the same as one of the episodes in the Second Season of Doctor Who. Now, which… you know, means its obviously going to be a spoof. However, it is going to involve other characters from other telly shows, books, and possibly movies. We'll see how it goes. But remember, its not my fault if you have never seen Doctor Who and have no idea what I mean by the references I refer to or funny comments, and it is not my fault that you're sulking in a corner because you don't understand and all the people around you are laughing their buttocks off because they have not wasted their time on junk and therefore understand completely what I mean.

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing… except for insane plot. Cheers!

Now.

Are we sitting comfortably? Good. Then we'll begin.

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(Familiar white tiles and white walls come into view as familiar white converses shuffle into view. We get a view of the class and see a mixed company, including DARTH VADER, OBI-WAN KENOBI, ROSE, DOCTOR CONSTANTINE, LEGOLAS, SAM, ELROND, CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS AND CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW, WILL TURNER, ELIZABETH SWAN, THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO, JEAN VALJEAN, MARIUS, COSETTE, and JAVERT. –gasps for breath– and a few more people that will not be mentioned quite yet. They are all sitting patiently however, waiting for their Biology teacher…)

(Said Biology teacher comes into view and we see that it is THE DOCTOR.)

THE DOCTOR: Good morning class. –grins– Are we sitting comfortably?

(Credits for SCHOOL REUNION play and Doctor Who theme music plays)

ALL: -faces express boredom– Alllright.

THE DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor, and I just snogged – eh, never mind. Welcome to "Biology". Biology, Biology, Biology –

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: -unimpressed- We get the picture; I didn't come to Biology to learn how to spell it.

WILL TURNER: Yeah… -pretends to look tough- if we wanted to spell… we'd… be taking… ENGLISH!

THE DOCTOR: RIGHT! First lesson… class, please take out your pencils and papers and weapons of mass destruction.

(The class does so with one exception…)

SAM: I… I refuse to kill anything I can't eat!

ELROND: Who's up for killing Sam? Anyone?

DARTH VADER, OBI-WAN, LEGOLAS, JAVERT: -slaps their hands on the table in unison- Here!

ELROND: -fake disappointment- Sorry, Sam, looks like it's unanimous.

THE DOCTOR: OI! We are not killing anyone today. I'm against violence of any kind – except that time I blew up my companion's work… -snickers-

ROSE: Oi!

THE DOCTOR: RIGHT! –holds up a cute, innocent bunny rabbit- We are going to make this Rabbit –

(THE CROCODILE HUNTER runs in suddenly out of the blue, gun poised at THE DOCTOR)

THE CROCODILE HUNTER: CRIKEY!LET IT GO! LET IT GOOOOO!!! OR I'LL… I'LL SHOOT!!!

THE DOCTOR: -remains stunned-

COSETTE: -screeches and jumps on MARIUS- It's one of those… happy-slapping hoodies! –Slaps Marius- Happy-slapping hoodies with ASBOs! –slaps Marius again- Happy-slapping hoodies with ASBOs and ringtones!

ROSE: -rolls eyes and buries head in arms on desk- Yeah? Yeah? Oh, yeah! Told you that you don'tfit in!

THE DOCTOR: Am I going to have to pelt you with my humble Satsuma?

THE CROCODILE HUNTER: -stares in horror and awe- No… way. You… -bottom lip trembles- you CAN'T… -starts to cry and runs out of the room-

ROSE: What'd you do?

THE DOCTOR: I dared him to shoot a jellyfish. RIGHT! –holds up cute, innocent bunny rabbit- This RABBIT… is going to EX –

LEGOLAS: -cries out in horror- CUDDLY 'UMS! Where did you get CUDDLY 'UMS??? –runs up girl like and grabs his Cuddly 'Ums from the Doctor and… cuddles him- OH, CUDDLY 'UMS! How I've MISSED YOU!! –starts cooing to the rabbit as he takes his seat-

THE DOCTOR: This is getting too much. –Turns around and starts writing 'BIOLOGY' on the whiteboard with a faded red marker-

DARTH VADER: -throws salted peanuts at THE DOCTOR when his back is turned-

THE DOCTOR: -whirls around, annoyed. Seeing no one suspicious, turns around again-

DARTH VADER: -throws more-

THE DOCTOR: -whirls back round- Who threw these??? –holds up peanut-

DARTH VADER and OBI-WAN: -kneel over, snickering to each other-

THE DOCTOR: If I catch the culprit… -turns around slowly-

CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS and CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: -start throwing spit balls at the ceiling to see if they stick-

ROSE: -raises a hand, smiles sweetly- I have a question sir.

THE DOCTOR: -smiles back- yes, Rose.

ROSE: -is still smiling sweetly-What is your… name? What is your…quest? What is your… favourite colour?

THE DOCTOR: -smile quickly fades- We are not quoting stupid movie references, Rose.

ROSE: -pouts and flings back into her chair, tipping it back on two legs-

THE DOCTOR: Since we OBVIOUSLY didn't get anywhere with the rabbit experiment…

ALL: -turns to eye LEGOLAS, who is ignoring them completely, cuddling his bunny who is the fattest thing on the face of the planet-

LEGOLAS: -mutters and speaks in baby voice- What has ze nasty Doctor been feeding you, eh, pook'ums? Aww, no need to fear, daddy's here… yessshhh…

JEAN VALJEAN: -mutters in French- Stupid, selfish cow.

ELROND: OI! That's… um… that's… LEGOLAS… um… never mind.

JAVERT: What has he been feeding that thing? The flipping bomb of course! –turns to THE DOCTOR- Please press the exterminate –

THE DOCTOR: GAAAHHHH! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! –hides under his desk-

MARIUS: What's wrong with you, Doctor?

ROSE: -rolls eyes- He thinks that you were either a hairdresser or a Dalek. I think he thought Dalek, considering that you said 'exterminate'.

THE DOCTOR: GAAAHHHH! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! –stays hidden under desk-

(Suddenly, in comes some more unexpected guests…)

HOLMES: Quick, Watson! I need you!

ROSE: -horrified realisation- I've heard that before. I've heard that lots of times.

THE DOCTOR: I know! I KNOW! –bounces up and down- I bet that stands for "Bad Wolf" in Danish, right?

ROSE: -rolls eyes-

HOLMES: Quick, Watson! I need you!

THE DOCTOR: Okay, that's getting annoying… -runs to the door, wrenches it all the way open- -screams out- OI! SHUT YOUR BIG FAT MOUTHS! I HAVE A BIOLOGY CLASS IN HERE!!!! –satisfied, goes back inside-

SAM: -timidly raises hand-

THE DOCTOR: Yes, little short guy. Stand up.

SAM: -sighs- I am standing up.

LEGOLAS: Oi, don't pick on the little guy! – is still cuddling bunny-

SAM: Yeah!

ELROND: Don't listen to them! PLEASE!!

OBI-WAN: My boss was small.

DARTH VADER: Yeah, but he could elevate –

THE DOCTOR: GAAAHHHH! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! –hides under desk-

DARTH VADER: Yeah, but he could elevate –

THE DOCTOR: GAAAHHHH! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! –stays under desk-

ROSE: -as aside to DARTH VADER- Just ignore him.

DARTH VADER: -shrugs- Okay. As I was saying, he could elevate –

THE DOCTOR: GAAAHHHH! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! stays under desk-

DARTH VADER: - and he could fling a wall at his opponent. Plus he was really wise.

SAM: Are you saying I'm not?!!?

DARTH VADER: …well…yes.

SAM: -proudly- yeah, well, you're WRONG! 'Wise' is part of my name!

DARTH VADER and OBI-WAN: -snicker- yeah, right.

SAM: -insists- No, I'm serious.

DARTH VADER and OBI-WAN: HEH. YEAH, RIGHT!

SAM: I'm SERIOUS!!!

DARTH VADER and OBI-WAN: -both annoyed- YES, we KNOW. WE WERE SAYING, 'YEAH, RIGHT!'

SAM: -embarrassed- Oh.

EVERYONE ELSE: -snicker-

SAM: -defensive- OI!

THE DOCTOR: -perches on the top of his desk- Can we get to Biology again?

JAVERT: What happened to our old teacher?

THE DOCTOR: Who was that?

VALJEAN: Snape or something.

THE DOCTOR: -scowls- the TRAITOR!! –more calmly- It's okay, he's not coming back; I got rid of him.

ALL: -throws papers and hats and bonnets in the air- YAY!!! SNAPE'S GONE! SNAPE'S GONE! –chants repeatedly-

THE DOCTOR: MWAHAHA…

LEGOLAS: -still talking to Cuddly 'Ums- Aww… evil slave driver forever gone, mister Cuddles.

EVERYONE ELSE: -tries desperately hard to ignore LEGOLAS-

THE DOCTOR: Okay, let's have a vote. Who wants Biology class to return to blowing up a rabbit? Raise hands.

(Everyone raises their hands except for WILL TURNER and ELIZABETH SWAN, who have been making sheep eyes at each other and behaving like foolish school children since the lesson began.)

THE DOCTOR: That settles it. SHIFT!

ROSE: Where are we going?

THE DOCTOR: Somewhere where Will and Elizabeth are not! I can't get sidetracked when… -swallows hard, looking at ROSE-

ROSE: Uhh… never mind. You can stop there. –blushes-

THE DOCTOR: -nods and turns red himself- -clears his throat-

DARTH VADER: -leans over beside ROSE and starts making smooching noises-

OBI-WAN KENOBI: -stretches over on the other side of ROSE- Oooh, Ahh…

DARTH VADER, OBI-WAN KENOBI, LEGOLAS, ELROND, MARIUS and JEAN VALJEAN: -chants- Doctor and Ro-ose sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S—

THE DOCTOR: -beat red- -forceful- THAT'S ENOUGH!

ROSE: -calmly eyes the others- Would you like me to kick you in the gut, or turn you into grains of sand?

(Silence falls easily.)

ROSE: -smiles slightly- That's better. –turns to THE DOCTOR- Doctor?

THE DOCTOR: -stares at her for a moment- RIGHT! Who wants a lesson in Slitheen killing?

(The class is suddenly interrupted by loud snoring coming from a corner.)

DOCTOR CONSTANTINE: -snores loudly-

CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS: -amazed- How he could have slept through that is mystifying.

DOCTOR CONSTANTINE: -cane slips and bangs a tin bucket beside him and he suddenly awakens- It's… not…safe…

SAM: Sure it is, Mr. Gandalf, sir. The ring is secret…

DOCTOR CONSTANTINE: GET AWAY! STOP MISCOUNTING LIMBS, YOU MAD WOMAN!

EVERYONE: -turns to LEGOLAS in unison, who is oblivious, still cuddling his bunny- He must be talking to you.

AUDIENCE: OUCH!

AUTHOR: -snicker-

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To Be Continued…(maybe, if I get any reviews telling me to continue with it. It wasn't as funny as I thought it would be. Cheers!