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I'm trying something different with the actions. I have them in italics and brackets instead of just the dashes. Review and tell me which you like better, please!
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(With relief, THE DOCTOR's Biology class moves outside for more… constructive learning. The class has aquired THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO from… The Count Of Monte Cristo and ENJOLRAS from Les Miserables.)
THE DOCTOR: My life is like a butterfly - -
ROSE: - - You look pretty on the outside but on the inside you're poison - -
THE DOCTOR: - - I like to fly up in the sky - -
ROSE: - - and kill everyone you meet - -
THE DOCTOR: - - I go from place to place - -
ROSE: - - and take advantage of your companions.
THE DOCTOR: (turns on Rose) Rose!! I do not appreciate you doing what you are doing!
ROSE: Well, tough.
THE DOCTOR: Fine. (huffs and turns to other students, who have begun to snicker)
COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO: So, when do I get my revenge?
MARIUS: On whom?
COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO: I have no time for blundering idiots!
COSETTE: (picks up the book called "The Count Of Monte Cristo") It says here… let's see… ah, here we go, to answer your question, dear husband, he wants to take revenge on… wow… to make a long list short – Fernand Mondego, Mercedes Mondego, Monsieur Villefort, Danglar… there are a lot of people.
COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO: (approaches COSETTE) And who is this charming mademoiselle? (kisses her hand)
MARIUS: Back away from my wife, you old swine bag!
THE DOCTOR: Oh, come on – (claps hands) we can all have a good flirt later.
ENJOLRAS: (eyes ROSE) Is that a promise, Doctor?
ROSE: (blushes and smiles at him shyly)
THE DOCTOR: Ooh, well…(suddenly notices where ENJOLRAS has focused his attentions) NOT FOR YOU! SHE'S MINE, YOU FAT, ORIENTED PIG!
ENJOLRAS: What? (glances away from ROSE startled)
ROSE: Stop, Doctor, you jealous old fart! I can flirt with whomever I want!
THE DOCTOR: NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT!!!
CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS: (rolls eyes) Here we go again. They're both idiots in love and hardly subtle. I could charm a horse better than that. (nudges CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW) See? Watch this.
THE DOCTOR: (turns and looks at ENJOLRAS, his voice going deathly quiet) I don't care about the fact that I have never told Rose how I feel about her!! I don't care that I can't spell my name!! (pause) (passionate) I don't care if she leaves her slippers all over the TARDIS floor and I have to pick them up after her!
ROSE: (gasps) Oh Doctor! Really? You don't care about that?
THE DOCTOR: NO! I DON'T! (holds out his arms)
CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS: (with obvious disgust) See? Told ya.
CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: (nods pitifully)
(Really sappy music comes on as Rose runs in slow motion into the Doctor's arms)
ROSE: (her voice is in slow motion too, drawn out to sound deep) DOO-OCCC-TTT-OOO-RRRR…
THE DOCTOR: (suddenly a horrified look appears on his face as his voice is in slow mo too) ROOOO-SSSSS-EEEE, DDDD-OOO-NNN-TTTT –
(But it is too late. ROSE jumps in THE DOCTOR's arms and knocks him over, flattening him effectively. The slow motion returns to normal speed.)
THE DOCTOR: (grunts from underneath ROSE'S weight) Oooohhh… I don't think you lost the chips after all…
ROSE: (slaps him hard)
THE DOCTOR: (rubs cheek gingerly) What was THAT for? That was definitely a Jackie slap.
ROSE: For implying things you should definitely not be implying!
THE DOCTOR:(mutters) Always the mothers… (rubs jaw)
ROSE: Pardon me?
THE DOCTOR: No, nothing, never mind. (scratches ear absently)
ROSE: Right, let's get on with Biology. (helps THE DOCTOR up slowly)
THE DOCTOR: (coughs) Sorry, class. Where were we? Oh yes. Slitheen killing. Where's Ricky-boy? (whistles as if whistling for a dog)
MICKEY THE TIN DOG: (comes running up next to THE DOCTOR on all fours, barking like a piece of tin. He goes up to the Doctor and rubs his cheek against THE DOCTOR's leg)
THE DOCTOR: Uh… right. (slowly with disgust disengages himself from said tin dog) Perfect then! Right. Now, what we do is… well, first off, we make a special acidic form of liquid so that their guts and junk will come rolling out into the foam and become soup for the Slitheen creature called Hannibal to feast upon. Got that, clique?
ROSE AND CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS: (nod heads enthusiastically)
EVERYONE ELSE: (stares blankly at THE DOCTOR)
THE DOCTOR: Oorr we could just throw lots of vinegar until they explode into little pieces that reminds me of an omelette.
EVERYONE: Hear, hear!
DOCTOR CONSTANTINE: (points stick at THE DOCTOR lazily – one might assume he has been intoxicated) Throw the mallet, young man! I second that motion!!
THE DOCTOR: Whatever.
CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW AND CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS: (competing who can throw the most spit balls at an unsuspecting squirrel)
THE DOCTOR: (notices CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW AND CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS competing between each other as to who can throw the most spit balls at an unsuspecting squirrel) You guys sicken me.
CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: (shrugs) Well, if you can find a bottle of rum, lead me to it – oh, and maybe a thump-thump?
CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS: (leans back over to THE DOCTOR) Oh, and if you're really getting drinks, sir Time Lord – you mind tossing me a hyper-vodka? Oh um, stirred, not shaken.
CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: What's a hyper-vodka? (sounds interested)
CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS: You've never had one? Oh, it is the awesomest –
THE DOCTOR: Shut up, Jack.
CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW AND CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS: (ask innocently in sync) Whaat?
CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: (turns to CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS enthusiastically) We should totally do that again!
CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW AND CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS: (ask innocently in sync again) Whaat?
THE DOCTOR: (absolutely horrified) Oh dear Rassilon, what have I done??
(The two JACKS obviously find enjoyment in torture, so they continue with it on to the next act.)
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