This is a companion fanfic to 'Becoming Whole' which I had written first. This fanfic, in Edward's POV, begins to mirror 'Becoming Whole' in chapter 7. There are a lot of details in this fanfic that are not in Becoming Whole because Edward was not with Bella every second of every day. So, if you have read 'Becoming Whole' and suddenly feel like you're reading the same story but from a different perspective... you are.
Eternal thanks to SomethingBlue, the Godmother, the Queen of all things Vampirerotic and my wonderful beta reader. Your encouragement is appreciated more than I can ever say! HUGS and LOVE female!!
Thanks also to ECABS for taking the time to show the other paths in front of me and for excepting the fact that I'm just having fun.
Disclaimer: All the characters appearing in this work are copyright Stephenie Meyer and are not used with permission. No infringement of these copyrights is intended, and all original characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. No financial gain is being made by this work. Quotes taken directly from Stephenie Meyer's work are in italics. No copyright infringement is intended by the use of these quotes.
If He Only Knew
Charlie wasn't angry with me exactly – he was just angry in general – and scared. I just happened to be there. I could hear his mind flitting from one punishment to another, he hadn't decided yet. The word 'privacy' kept flashing through his mind like a neon sign. Human thoughts were annoyingly disorganized anyway and Charlie's emotional state made his thoughts so erratic I wanted to block him out altogether. He certainly wasn't about to make up his mind until after he confronted Bella with her 'suicidal tendencies'. Those two words also flashed in his thoughts.
If he only knew. I could only imagine what Charlie might think if he had any idea of the secret life his daughter was leading and the family she chose to associate with. How would he react if he found out his only daughter was in love with a vampire who would one day take her blood in order to have her forever?
Just as we had emerged out of the forest I stopped, pulled out my cell phone, flipped it opened to insure it was on vibrate.
"Don't say anything, I'll handle this, okay?" She was over being angry for the moment. Her tone of voice made me feel as if she didn't want to start a fight with Charlie. "This was my fault and I'll have to take some sort of punishment for it." She sighed into my face dazing me for a second before my thoughts returned.
How did she always do that to me?
"Bella." I held my phone up to her face.
"Take this, it's on vibrate, call me as soon as you can." What a time to be without a pocket! The only place she could hide it would be…
My eyes drifted down to the top of her tank top. "Hide it…" I waved the little phone in front of her chest, "…some place… where Charlie won't see it." Bella flashed a smile at me, hurriedly took the phone from my hand and slipped it down her blouse.
"There," She went up on her tiptoes and pressed a quick kiss on my lips. "The only way he'll find it is to strip search me." She let out a nervous little laugh.
Just the thought of striping and Bella in the same sentence summoned an image to my mind that I believed Bella would understand, but not really appreciate at the moment.
"BELLA! GET IN HERE NOW! I MEAN IT!" Charlie's voice was beginning to crack under the pressure.
"Keep it with you at all times. I'll be here anytime you need me." I kissed her again, "I love you."
We walked toward her house and Charlie's mind exploded with threats. I shut him out entirely for the moment. It wouldn't do any good for me to get angry with Charlie.
"Edward, go home." His voice was threateningly flat.
I squeezed her hand and turned to leave, opening my mind to Charlie's ranting.
"Bella! What the hell were you thinking? Wait a minute… "
Edward… stop. It's not his fault…
"Edward, I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you. I know that you would never let Bella do something like this. Here I was thinking that Jacob was… so good for her," He stopped short but he still thought it. "I swear that kid hasn't got a clue!" He shook his head in disgust. "Bella, go on in the house." He had calmed down considerably. "I need to talk to Edward for a minute, okay?"
Bella looked back at me before slowly taking the steps up the porch. She stopped in front of her father and hugged him hard. "Daddy, I'm so sorry."
"I know." He smiled down at her, "Go on inside."
Charlie came down the steps to the end of the walk where I stood waiting. I kept my mind open to his thoughts. They were still just as unorganized, but not as frantic as before.
What am I going to do with her? No privacy. There has to be some sort of consequence for what she did. Suicidal. Edward would never let her do anything like that. Cliff diving. Dirt bikes. What's next?
"Edward, I'm her dad, you know there has to be consequences for what she did. She could have been killed riding that thing. I'm sorry to say this, and I apologize right now, but I have been really pissed off at you since you left and I was so happy when she started seeing Jacob. I know she's told me a thousand times that he's just her friend, but I really don't think that Jacob ever saw her that way. I have a feeling he brought this bike here so I would freak out, which I most certainly did. But, I think his intentions were for me to forbid her to see you or anyone else. I think he's just really hurt and jealous and I can imagine this was the only way he could think of to get her away from you."
"I understand. You don't need to apologize. I should have…"
I should have what? Called her, written her, e-mailed her, never left her?
I lowered my eyes to the ground. I couldn't even look Charlie in the eye. He had suffered just watching her waste away and that too, was my fault.
"Edward, you know what, that's all in the past." His thoughts had softened, but he was still planning on some sort of punishment for Bella and still hadn't made up his mind. Window and door were the only words he repeated. It was so frustrating. "Listen Edward, I don't mind you taking her to school or bringing her home, but that's gonna have to be it for awhile."
"Thanks, Edward." He turned and walked to the house, up the porch steps and through the door, closing it quietly behind him.
As I walked to my car, I closed my mind to their conversation. I climbed in and drove toward home. I didn't want to leave her there without protection for too long, though I was sure that I would have picked up Victoria's thoughts if she were within a couple of miles of Forks.
I pulled onto the road leading to my house and drove around in a circle to have the car facing toward the road in case I needed to get out faster than usual. I went up the porch and into the brightly lit house. Without Emmett there, the TV stayed off most of the time. I missed my brother and it was hard to admit, even to myself, but I missed Rosalie also. There was hardly ever a time I could spend more than five minutes with her lately without arguing, but I still loved her like sister.
Where is everyone? I wondered
"I'm home!" I announced to the house. I opened my mind to catch any thoughts that would float to me.
Hi Edward! Greetings from Jasper and Alice came to me simultaneously and then Esme's thought drifted into my head a second later.
Hi dear, we're in our room.
I took the stairs two at a time at my normal pace and was in my own room within seconds. I scanned my vast music collection in the hope that I would find something to take my mind from the night's events. First Jacob, then Charlie. Bella. There was no music in the world that could take her from my mind and words would only spoil my mood even more.
No singing. Okay, so that puts me over here…Ah...George Winston. Not too old, not too young, that will do.
I put the CD in and stretched out on the couch, closing my eyes. The music was soothing. I could hear all the notes in my head that hadn't been played only because he was human and not capable of playing that way unless he double tracked or even triple tracked the recordings. My mind wandered from the music.
Thoughts of her drifted through me bringing a smile to my lips.
My stomach twisted. I sat up.
What was I thinking?
I ran my hands through my hair.
Jacob was so sure I was the one that kept Bella from seeing him. Once Bella had clued him into the reason why she hadn't been out to see him, he had regretted causing her that much more trouble by bringing the motorcycles there. All he wanted was to keep Bella from seeing me, to get me out of the picture so Bella would be safe. However, she was only truly safe when I was with her. Even though Victoria may be gone for now, she could return at any time. Was Jacob's pack that willing to guard over Bella if my family or I did nothing to protect her?
And Jacob's thoughts toward Bella were not what I would consider 'friendly'. He loved her and not in the way Bella had maybe thought. To see her with me, to see me touching her, having my hands on her was unthinkable for him. Bella considered him her friend, but Jacob had clearly wanted more, much more. His thoughts did not reveal it had gone any further than friendship, but he hadn't attempted to hide where he did want their relationship to go.
I wish I could hear her thoughts. Had he tried to touch her? Had he tried to kiss her? Was there something more that made her jump from that cliff? Something even she didn't want to acknowledge? I knew she missed his friendship, but was there more? When she and Alice saved me in Volterra, was I already too late? Did she rush back into my arms when there was another option she hadn't thought through?
Just the thought of her spending all that time while I was away in the company of werewolves scared me more than I wanted to admit. Anyone of them could have killed her by accident. Did she really have no sense of self-preservation at all?
I wondered if she had the choice to make over again, to think it through completely, would she still choose to be with me?
I mulled the questions over and over in my mind until I felt I would go crazy if I didn't learn the answer. If I was such a quick learner, why did I feel as if I were making a mistake again?
Jumping off my couch, I turned off the CD, flung open my door and I ran down the first flight of stairs right into Jasper who had planted his feet solidly in my path.
"Edward, stop." Jasper held my arms. Alice was right behind him. I could feel Jasper trying to calm me. Trying to keep me from rushing off and doing something I would regret later.
"Edward, please don't go like this." Alice knew something. "Bella loves only you. She has always loved you, there has never been anyone else."
Esme and Carlisle came from their room and stood in the hall silently surveying the situation.
"Edward, please, if you go now, like this…" Alice shared her vision with me and I was doing it again. I was repeating the same mistake I made before, I was leaving…again. "If you give her a choice, you won't believe her. You'll do what you think is best for her and it's not! Not for either of you."
I couldn't argue with her logic and I didn't think the rest of my family would allow me to hurt Bella again, even if I felt my absence would be for her own good. Carlisle had made her a promise and he was not one to go back on a promise, even if it was made to a human girl. He would follow it through with or without me. Most of my family already looked on her as part of our family, something I was sure Alice had a lot to do with. Sometimes her visions could be a real nuisance.
So I gave up and gave in with a heavy sigh. I closed my eyes shaking my head. As soon as Jasper's hands fell away from me, I felt another hand softly touch my arm.
"Edward?" Esme's gentle loving voice was worried. The memories of what I had put her through the last time I left were still very fresh and real in her mind.
Promise me, Edward, promise me you won't leave.
I opened my eyes and smiled at her. I could never break her heart like that again.
She smiled back and I believed that if she could shed tears, they would have filled her joyful eyes. She turned and her and Carlisle stepped back into their room. I heaved another heavy sigh as I smiled back at Jasper and Alice then headed down stairs.
Still in desperate need of getting my mind off the events of the evening, I looked over at the blank screen of the almost wall-sized TV hanging on the wall and again wished Emmett was here. I passed the couch without stopping and went over to my piano, settling myself down on the bench.
I took a deep totally unnecessary breath blowing it out completely. Then placed my hands on the keys and closed my eyes.
Bella, I love you.
My fingers seemed to move on their own. I could feel the vibrations in the air as I pressed each key sending the music into the space of the room. The melody was soft like her skin, as sweet as the scent she gave off.
Bella, I love you.
I pictured her in my mind. Her deep dark eyes, her beautiful brown hair.
Yes, Bella was right, brown was warm.
Her porcelain skin. My mind's eye traveled over her face, her lips that I longed to kiss every moment of everyday, her glorious neck, traveled down her shoulders to the top of her breast that barely peeked out from under her tank tops. As my vision moved slowly down across her breasts, her waist and finally to her perfectly rounded hips, I realized the melody I was playing had become much more sensual and pressing.
I smiled at the thought of playing this for her as I touched her. Would my song arouse her? Not that she needed anything to help with that, she had been becoming increasingly more aroused each time we were together, whether or not it was my intention. I slowed the melody back down and burned it to my memory for later, before striking the last key to end it.
That was one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard you play. Esme was right behind me. She took a seat next to me.
"I was… inspired." I couldn't look at her. Even though I didn't blush any longer, I could still become embarrassed.
"Try not to be upset with Bella, dear, she loves you so very much."
"I know but… Jacob Black was at her house when we got there tonight and he did something to get her in trouble with Charlie and no matter how angry she was, she still wanted to go to him. When he realized his mistake she wanted to comfort him. It made me… sick."
Jealous is the word you're looking for. Her eyes were kind. "He was her friend Edward, when she had no one else." Esme's voice and thoughts were quiet and sincere. You know I would normally never bring this up but, you left her and she did the best she could.
"Yes, I know and I have no one to blame but myself, I have accepted that. I was wrong. But he went there hoping to get Bella in so much trouble that Charlie would forbid her to see me or anyone else. I'm just very lucky that Charlie's smart enough to have already figured that out."
"But, there's more…" She gently pushed.
"Yes. Jacob came to remind me of the treaty and when he explained it to Bella, well, she snapped that it was none of his business."
"He explained that we were not only forbidden to kill, but forbidden to bite as well, is that correct?" Carlisle had come from up stairs. "What was Bella's reply exactly?"
"Just as I said, she told him it was none of his business."
"And how did he react to that?"
"He's not completely stupid, he understood what she meant immediately and, needless to say, he was pretty damned shocked by the knowledge that it was her choice." I didn't bother to mention that Jacob had wanted to tear me into a thousand pieces.
This was something that was very unforeseen. He thought before he spoke, "I'm sure the entire Quileute tribe knows by now."
"I'm quite sure they do." Then, I hesitated. "I need to tell you something else…something that I did. I asked Bella to be my wife."
Oh my! Esme's hand went up to her mouth. When did this happen? Before you brought her home I hope.
"Actually it was a while ago, the morning she asked for the vote."
"And did she accept your proposal?" Esme's voice was on the edge of bubbling over.
Having her for eternity was not enough, Edward? Carlisle's thought was insulting.
A flicker of anger lit my brain.
Jasper's voice came from upstairs, "Calm down Edward! She said 'yes'!" his calming effect flowed through me and I didn't fight it. But…why would Carlisle make such a comment?
"She wants me to be the one to…damn her… change her, so I made it part of the bargain. And, no, she did not say yes, at least… not yet."
Don't worry, she has said yes thousands of times, I've seen it. She just hasn't had the chance to say it to you. Alice's voice drifted downstairs. "Would you like me to show you?"
"No and well, I would still like to hear the words for myself, Alice, not second hand if you don't mind." I raised my voice so she would get the point.
You will. I could hear her giggle. She thought I was behaving ridiculously.
Esme touched my arm, "When do you plan on turning her, before or after you're married?"
"After. It's the only way. We'll have to leave Forks…forever." I didn't realize it before, but I had truly given in to what Bella wanted. I had lost this battle. And I was sure to burn in hell for it.
"After all is said and done, I'm sure Bella will consider it a very lovely wedding gift." Esme's voice was soothing. I couldn't get angry at her sentiment knowing that it was exactly what Bella would think… to her it was a gift and not a curse.
"How can I really know? How can any of us really know what's going on in her head? It's horrible not being able to hear her true thoughts!" I turned on the bench and shook my head, "I swear, I'm still just waiting for the running and screaming."
Then I heard Alice's voice again from upstairs.
"Edward, why are you calling me from downstairs, you lazy butt!"
"I'm not calling you!… Oh my God! Bella!… It's Bella!" I flew up the stairs and into Alice's room.
"Alice, where's your phone? It was Bella, I gave her my phone to call me. Damn!" Alice tossed me her phone and I flipped it open.
One missed call. Eleven o'clock, where did the time go?
I tapped my number in and waited to hear her pick up. It rang three times before I heard her sob into the phone.
"Oh Bella, I'll be right there, I love you." I looked over at Alice, "Can I take this for now?" She nodded. "Thanks." I turned to head out the door then stopped, "Is she safe?"
Alice closed her eyes, "Yes, she's safe." She smiled and went back to what she was doing before I barged in.
I flew out the front door and ran all the way to her house within minutes. I could hear her sniffling before I even got under her window. I could also hear Charlie's thoughts as he muddled over the punishments he had laid out for her. Nimbly I jumped on the top of the porch without a sound and placed my fingers against the window pushing upward, but the glass didn't move. It was locked.
Peering into the dark room, I saw my beautiful angel sitting on her bed, knees tucked up under her chin. White balls of tissue littered the floor. She grabbed another tissue from the box next to her and wiped her eyes and nose before crumpling it up and tossing it on the floor with the others.
I heard her hiccup – the last remains of the sobs that must have torn her apart in my absence.
I should have stayed close. I should have been here for her. Why did she wait so long to call me?
Pulling out Alice's cell phone, I dialed my number. Bella jumped and pulled the tiny phone from inside her shirt. She looked at it for a second before flipping it open and holding it to her ear.
"Don't speak, my love, Charlie's still awake." A sob escaped her lips into the phone. "I'm at the window." She flew from her bed and was at the window in a second. "Unlock it, love."
She shook her head and pointed to the sides of the frame. Two one-inch thick pieces of wood had been screwed into place keeping the window locked down tight. I couldn't open it unless I broke them and a noise like that would certainly draw Chief Swan's attention. I looked at her a face. Her eyes were more bloodshot than I had ever seen. Her nose was red and swollen, even her beautiful lips were swollen.
"Oh, Bella." My cold heart sank at the sight of her. She was a wreck. She was an angel.
She pointed toward the door except that there was no door hanging there any longer. Charlie had removed it. This was what he had meant by privacy, she was to have none. How cruel had he been to her while I was gone? I heard Charlie's thoughts at that moment. He was coming to check on her now that she had calmed down.
"Bella, hide the phone – Charlie's coming to check on you." Silently, I slid below the window and jumped off of the porch roof, landing softly. I pressed my body up against the house where he wouldn't be able to see me.
"Am I on suicide watch or something?" I could hear the coldness in Bella's voice, she was still so very angry with her father.
"If that's what you want to call it." Charlie's voice was quiet, "Bella…I"
"You can't lock me up forever! I'm not one of your prisoners!"
"No you're not. You're my daughter." The love in his voice was unmistakable.
"You nailed my window shut! You…you took off my door, Charlie!" I could almost hear the tears roll across her skin. She wasn't ready to give in yet.
"I was really, really mad, Bella. I trusted you." Charlie was giving in, I could hear it. "Here I was thinking that Jacob was the best thing for you. You were so depressed and he seemed to pick you up…I know, I know…you think of him as just a friend, but Bella…well, it doesn't matter now." There was silence for a moment. "It was just a shock to find out that he rebuilt that bike for you and that you actually rode it. What were you thinking? What was he thinking?"
"Dad, I swear I'll never do anything like that again. I'm so sorry."
I heard Charlie let out a laugh, he was defeated, somewhat.
"I'm sorry I over-reacted."
There was silence for a long while. The only thing I heard were Charlie's loving thoughts for his daughter. His only daughter. The one I had promised to take from him forever in only a matter of weeks. But, I loved her too. I loved her beyond all reason and would not exist without her by my side. Whether it was me or another man, Charlie couldn't keep her forever. All parents had to let their children go at some point. In this way only, was Bella no different. However, she would need to say her good-byes before I took her as my wife because she would never see her parents again. Was she truly ready for that?
I heard a tapping at the window and Charlie's voice very close. I stayed in the shadows of the porch and waited. Soon Charlie's voice was as clear as if he were standing with his head out of the window. "Your room does get stuffy when the window's shut. I'll put your door back on tomorrow, okay? I'm wiped out. But remember, I'm not budging on this. Edward can take you to school and bring you home, but that's all for right now." His voice faded from the window, "Are you working tomorrow?"
"No, I rarely work on Sunday's." Bella's voice sounded sad at the fact that she would be stuck at home all day.
"Well, good night." Charlie walked from the room and I heard his door close. His thoughts were peaceful. Suddenly Alice's phone vibrated in my hand and I flipped it open.
Bella. Quickly and quietly, I climbed back up on the over hang and her beautiful face was waiting for me in the opened window. Touching her fragile skin, I leaned in closer, kissing her moist swollen lips.
"I don't think it would be a good idea for you to stay tonight." She whispered so softly in my ear. "I don't want to send Charlie to the hospital with a coronary." Her hot cheek felt so nice against mine. "I'll have to be on my best behavior tomorrow so…I guess I won't see you until tomorrow night."
To be away from her for an entire day was unthinkable. She couldn't stay in the house the whole day. She might have to come out for some reason. I smiled.
"I'll be around if you happen to come outside for any reason."
"Don't tempt me." But she was already tempted.