A/N: Hello and I'm pleased that you've taken the opportunity to read this silly one-shot.
Things to note about the fic:
1)Wolfram and Yuri are in a sexual relationship
2)This has nothing to do with the series but you can presume it takes place afterward
3)"-o-O-o-O-o" refers to a scene change
4) Italics are an emphasis on words
5) Possible OOCness? Considering the circumstances, I'll say it can happen.
I hope you enjoy the story, which is in Gwendel's point of view.
I tightened my jaw and furrowed my eyebrows.
"Gwendel, did you hear what I said?"
I mumbled something to myself and tried to concentrate on the task before me, which involved reviewing and signing documents that His Majesty failed to do for whatever purpose.
"Gwendel, I know you can hear me."
At the slightly altered tone that Conrart used, I released a sharp breath of air and briefly eyed him. "What?" I asked, obviously aware of what he had just unnecessarily shared with me.
Conrart smiled almost apologetically and repeated, "His Highness and Wolfram have become rather close. They're certainly near a turning point in their relationship."
I vaguely felt my fingers twitch around the quilt pen I held. "If you're referring to sex, that's none of my concern, nor is it yours, Conrart. Let them be."
I hoped Conrart would leave once catching my disinterested tone but I knew him better. I stole a peek and noticed Conrart tilting his head at me, forming a small frown.
"Alright. What is it, Conrart?" I grumpily asked, setting the pen down.
He seemed actually hesitant to express his concern. "I worry," he carefully began, "that perhaps they may be unaware of the dangers of…such activities if not done properly."
I remained silent, knowing he would continue on. Personally, I had no desire to retort to such a comment anyway.
"I think it would be wise if someone would inform them about the facts of safe sex," he eventually declared, his physical appearance not showing whether or not he was bothered about the confession.
I instantly grasped the pen and scribbled, hoping to seem very very preoccupied. "Good for you. Have fun with that," I muttered.
"I was actually hoping you would do it, Gwendel," he sweetly asked.
The pen between my fingers snapped in half. He did not just say that.
I stood up abruptly and pierced him with the most irritated glare I could manage. "No," I hissed.
"Out of the question!" I bellowed and stomped to the window, peering out of it. I noticed Greta dancing about Wolfram and His Highness near the fountain. The couple quickly kissed and my body tensed.
Oh, Great One, though I'm not one to drink much, I desperately craved for one.
Conrart's footsteps indicated that he was approaching me.
Before he spoke, I hollered, "Why don't you do it, Conrart?! Surely they would prefer to hear it from you than me at any rate!"
"Well, Yuri may not mind but I think Wolfram would feel uncomfortable," he retorted, still in that damn calm voice of his.
And what does he mean uncomfortable?! I'm the one that's in such a predicament!
"Besides," he continued, "I have that mission to complete, remember? Although it's just for the day, I may not be back until late."
"Do it tomorrow," I hastily offered, crossing my arms over my chest. I did the best I could to avoid any eye contact with him. I could sense he was still smiling.
Conrart sighed, obviously having difficulty dealing with my stubborn attitude. Good. Perhaps he'll become fed up and leave me alone.
"I worry that tonight they will do something," Conrart softly said. "You know we cannot ask Gunter or Mother of such things."
Damn. That was true. Oh, why oh why couldn't he just leave me in peace?
"Put them in separate rooms, then," I then suggested, somewhat proud of the idea.
"Conrart, I realize I do a lot of things around this kingdom but having sex talks is not one of them nor will it ever be!" I yelled, face flushing despite my attempts to conceal it. "I refuse!"
I ultimately spun around to face Conrart, providing him with another furious glare. The serious expression I encountered sent my mind reeling. I growled.
I knew he was concerned, both as a brother and godfather, but why me? Of course I had faintly pondered over that problematic…thing, which worried me but I never ever dared to think that I would be the one to solve it!
"Perhaps the Great Sage…" I paused.
Conrart's and my eyes met, reaching a mutual understanding. No way.
His Eminence was worse than Gunter and Mother combined. First off, I doubt he even knew of such things. Second, if he did know, his method would undoubtedly produce more troubles or…unnecessary information.
I shut my eyes, turned sharply away from the other man, and internally groaned.
"Send a message to His Highness and Wolfram to be at my office before dinner," I mumbled, defeated.
I could feel Conrart's smile widening.
"Thank you very much, Gwendel," he gratefully said and I heard the door clicking shut once he left.
I glanced out the window until I noticed Conrart approach His Highness to probably offer his temporary farewell. I stormed to the doors and opened one.
"Lasagna!" I nearly screamed at the maid as I watched her scurry by.
Almost instantly she came to me. "Yes, Sir?" she stuttered, apparently frightened by my harsh tone.
Hm. I should make a note of how intimidating my voice sounds. Perhaps I should be more polite. Key word being 'should'. Oh, how I wanted a drink.
To hell with being polite.
"Get me a strong drink now!"
I rubbed my temples and did a double check to ensure the supplies that Anissina unfortunately and graciously offered me. I frighteningly picked up a plastic…thing that resembled an essential part of a man's body. I was eternally grateful that she only focused on the shape and not details.
It was a bright magenta color though. I found it disturbing.
Only the Great One knows how she heard about my session with the couple.
And when did she have the time to make this anyway? Better leave that subject untouched or my brain might combust.
I glared at the object as my face continued to blush. Experimentally, I craned my neck and twisted the make shift…penis thing in my hand. I tapped it with a finger, curious to see if Anissina had wired it to perform a stunt.
Thankfully, nothing happened or rather, nothing happened to the tool I was holding and tapping.
Wolfram lacked the decent courtesy to knock and had flung the doors open in a dramatic display, exposing my current situation.
The expression His Highness held made me wish I had taken more than one drink. Wolfram simply ogled at the object in my hand, probably having a lot of questions.
"Er…Is this a bad time, brother?" he asked and I could swear I noted a cheeky tone.
I rapidly set aside the…utensils and cleared my throat. "Have a seat, you two."
Not very smooth, I realize, but at this point, I could care less.
Wolfram, not bothering to conceal his amusement, flopped onto the couch I had strategically placed in front of my desk. His Highness, being jerked by Wolfram's hand, ungracefully sat beside my brother.
I stared at them, thinking how to begin.
I suppose I was taking a long while because His Highness shyly met my eyes. "Er…Is something the matter, Gwendel? This isn't a political discussion, right?"
"No," I truthfully answered, swallowing my anger.
My throat felt dry. I took a sip of water that I had prudently requested a while back.
"Brother, can you hurry it up?" Wolfram rudely grumbled, offering His Highness what could only be a lustful look.
Maybe I should have asked for the entire bottle of alcohol.
"It has come to my attention that…you two have become quite close."
His Highness flushed brightly. Good. At least I wouldn't be the only uncomfortable one here. I took another shaky gulp of water.
Wolfram crossed his arms and reclined against the couch, already bored. "So what of it?"
"You two…haven't gone…very far, have you?" I cautiously asked, not really wanting to know the answer.
"W-What?!" cried His Highness, tensing visibly. "Wh-What kind of question is th-that?!"
Deciding it best to be blunt I explained, "I have been assigned to teach you about safe sexual practices."
It wasn't even quiet.
No, quiet usually means tranquility.
This was silent.
His Highness, with eyes five times their size, nearly fainted. He swayed and then proceeded to laugh. "This is…a joke…right?" he weakly said.
I clenched my teeth.
"I think he's serious," Wolfram mumbled, actually looking smug. If I ever live through this, I should punish him. Perhaps I'll instruct Conrart to run him hard with physical training. Yes, that will suffice. A long and hard training routine that will make him sorry. I'm so good at times I amaze myself. Go me.
"Gwendel, I appreciate the concern, but we really don't-"
"Let's get this started," I roughly interrupted, not meeting their eyes. "You two will stay put and just listen."
They kept quiet and I sighed. Perhaps this wouldn't be as difficult as I had anticipated.
"Now, I have…tools to help implement the safety practices," I mumbled and grasped object A, that being the…penis thing. I took object B into my other hand, which was a large oval-like container with a noticeable small entrance near the center.
"What's that?" His Highness inquired, pointing childishly at object A. "That's that pink thing you were holding, right?"
"It looks like a dick," Wolfram crudely said.
I groaned mentally and took hold of object B. "Be quiet, you two. Now, this is object B, which will-"
"That's a rather big ass," Wolfram uttered. Honestly, I swear he's doing this to irritate me though I don't understand why. I always suspected he enjoyed pleasing me. I'll make him train every single day mercilessly if he keeps this up.
I glared at my cheeky brother. "This is for the purpose of an example, Wolfram. Now, if you please, no further outburst-"
"Example?!" His Highness practically shrieked.
If I have to gag them, I will. I get my work done regardless of what must be done to do it.
"Yes, example," I snarled, grasping tightly onto object B. "Will you two please remain silent?"
His Highness seemed to be reluctant but kept quiet, his eyes downcast.
"Now, before inserting object A into object B, you must…prepare object B for the intrusion," I numbly reported, hoping to stay detached from my emotions until this was completed.
"How?" asked His Highness innocently. Even worse, I suspect he truly was unaware and was not trying to mock me. I cursed his naivety at times. This, was one of those times.
I eyed him suspiciously and his cheeks grew redder. "I suppose fingers are the best suited," I said, sensing my near destruction.
"…Won't that…hurt?" whispered His Highness before stealing a glance at Wolfram. I somehow suspected that His Highness would be the one to dominate the-Oh, Great One, I needed another drink.
I did not want to visualize my youngest brother beneath His Highness. I just did. Ugh, I need another drink really badly.
What the hell am I doing? Just kill me.
If I were drunk, at least I would have a reason to be doing this and I probably wouldn't remember it once I woke up the next day.
"Alright, fine. Here, you begin with one finger," I grumbled and nearly entered my finger.
Wait. I recalled something. I scanned the desk for the bottle of oil that I required from Gisela. I grasped it and reluctantly undid the lid.
"What's that?" His Highness asked…yet…again.
I returned to my detached mental state. "You need to coat your fingers and eventually your 'object A' with a lubricant to allow entry. Oil works well…from what I hear," I explained and dipped a finger into the pleasant smelling oil.
I removed my finger, confirmed it was coated well, and grasped object B with my free hand. With a deep sigh, I pushed through, being sure to avoid eye contact.
As my finger slipped into the small entrance of object B, I felt my composure shatter and I grunted to prevent my scream of rage. I could not believe I had agreed to this.
I was pumping my finger into a damn ass.
What the hell have I gotten myself into?
Please let some natural disaster kill me all of the sudden. Actually, scratch that. If I have to die, I will not die with my finger in an ass. Can you imagine my tombstone?
'Here lies Gwendel, who died of an unfortunate event…with his finger still in a make-shift ass. Why? We'd rather not know.'
To hell with that theory.
The looks of the engaged couple made me nearly gag and vomit. Both of them stared at me with wide eyes, unsure as how to respond most likely. It's not a daily task to see me pumping my finger into an object that resembled a 'big ass', as Wolfram had so poetically put it.
Perhaps if I slammed my head down hard enough I could pass out…
"Uh…Gwendel, you can stop now," Wolfram muttered, face wrinkling. "I think we get it."
I paused, cleared my throat, and continued, knowing I was nearly to the climax. Don't even dare to think 'no pun intended'.
"Once you reach two fingers, it's best to split them apart before adding the third, if possible," I robotically illustrated as I retrieved a protective casing for object A.
"What are you doing?" asked His Highness.
Are you kidding me?
I took a breath and counted to ten to calm my mind. "Your Highness, to prevent any…unnecessary substance from entering Wolfram's object B…"
I paused, noting what I just said.
Just kill me.
Just. Kill. Me.
Wolfram blushed immensely and looked away from me.
Not even bothering to acknowledge the distraction, I continued, but heard myself wavering. "To be safe, you must sheathe object A with one of these," I said and held up the material made of an animal's eyelid. (1)
"A…condom?" mumbled His Highness, fascinated by the object. "Ew. What's it made of? That's not latex, is it?"
I didn't understand what he meant. "It's made of the eyelids of animals, of course."
His Highness looked as if I had just confessed to some taboo sexual addiction with animals while wearing one of Mother's dresses. I shook my head, assuming his confusion derived from a cultural misunderstanding. He was, after all, not brought up in this world.
"At any rate," I said, hoping to finish this as quickly as possible. "You need to properly wrap object A in this material…when in this world," I added, to be cautious.
I stretched the material and attempted to encase object A but failed miserably. Every time I tried, object A, not being firmly held, kept flinging off the desk.
"Er…Here, brother," Wolfram muttered and humiliatingly held object A so as I could, quickly, sheathe it.
As I meant to release the end of the material to completely encase object A, it snapped and tore off. "Wonderful," I grumbled and rummaged for another. I was sure I had brought at least four.
I grasped another and, unfortunately, Wolfram was ordered to hold object A firmly, which provided me with a visual of my young brother that I never ever want to encounter again.
Just. Damn. Perfect.
My clumsy fingers accidentally released the 'condom', as His Highness called it, while I was stretching it. As a result, to my horribly dismay, it flung right into His Highness's eye.
"Yuri! Are you okay?" Wolfram asked, rushing over to His Highness.
I was too stunned to even bother. I made a mental note to request that all soldiers be wary of how to handle a situation as this one. Maybe if I had, I wouldn't be in this predicament.
"I'm…fine," His Highness mumbled, embarrassed. He unsurely handed the casing back to me. "Here."
I refused to speak, not trusting my voice. Instead, I managed, after a fourth attempt, to sheathe object A successfully.
Thankfully, the two were so embarrassed they kept silent.
"Now," I sighed, rubbing my fingers before grabbing the oil once more. "That will offer protection and now you use the oil again." I began coating object A with the oil.
His Highness blinked. "What are you doing?"
Oh, for the love of…
"Well once you complete…the preparation, what's the next thing to do?" I rhetorically asked, barely amused with the horrified face His Highness made.
Wolfram, by this point, had begun to flush more. If they thought they felt uncomfortable, I'd gladly switch places with them. Try flinging a condom into your king's eye then talk to me about being uncomfortable.
"Now, as you insert object A into object B," I began, slowly inserting the magenta anatomy, "Be sure to-"
My eye twitched violently.
His Highness was actually raising his hand.
"What. Is. It?" I asked through my teeth.
His Highness, into the lecture apparently, craned his neck and eyed the objects. "Um…I…hear that…you know…there's…a…er…spot….you know…?"
I stared at him.
Wolfram blushed but kept his face tight.
His Highness coughed.
I groaned and rubbed my forehead, cursing when I realized the oil that was still on my fingers. I brushed it off with the sleeve of my uniform and proceeded to slowly pump the object, momentarily ignoring His Highness.
"Understand that you must be extremely cautious here and be slow in movements. If you proceed with harsh or quick strokes, it can become dangerous and object B could end up bleeding," I elucidated, slightly proud of how well my tone stay firmed.
I made sure to not look at the others while I did this. I simply wouldn't or rather, couldn't, or I'd pass out from an overdose of humiliation.
"What if you want it rough?" Wolfram asked, mockingly, obviously taking joy in my discomfort. I swear, how someone can change under a situation such as this. I permanently noted his inappropriate behavior.
Just let him wait until Conrart gets back.
"Wolfram, be quiet," I insisted. "If object B can take more, than you can proceed to do so. You just don't want any tearing in either object B or the casing around object A."
His Highness furtively peeked at me. "Er…what about…the spot…thing…"
"Alright, alright!" I screamed, glaring at His Highness for a moment.
I adjusted the objects. "It would be about here," I mumbled and demonstrated the appropriate movements with object A in a thrusting motion.
The massive explosion caught us all off guard.
I remained frozen, eyes wide, blindly gazing ahead of myself, my hands empty.
The glitter floated all around us as we all sat, covered in oil.
His Highness coughed, rubbing his eyes. "What the heck happened?" I vaguely heard him ask.
"The dick exploded," Wolfram bluntly softly whispered, not even realizing his innuendo. "The butt did too…"
"An…Ani…Anissina," I stuttered, furious beyond imagination.
I knew she offered these objects for a purpose. Why it had to explode when I was thrusting object A into object B…I'd rather not know.
A knock on the door signaled Anissina's entrance. She poked her head in and frowned.
"Oh, darn," he said and clicked her tongue. "I was hoping the experiment would work but when I heard the explosion, I assumed the worse. Gwendel, come by to see me once you're done to help me with an experiment. It's the least you can do after blowing the last one up."
She quickly departed and I fumed.
MY fault?! MY FAULT?!
"You…two…can go," I whispered dangerously, still frozen, unable to move. "The lecture…is going to be cut short…"
"But-" His Highness began.
-o-0-o-…Third Person POV…-o-0-o-
Yuri, flushed, coated with glitter and oil, and stumbled out of the room with Wolfram. "I never expected this…kind of thing," he admitted quietly, timidly glancing at Wolfram. "Do you think it was Conrad who-"
"What happened with…the objects?" Yuri asked.
Wolfram spit out magenta glitter and wiped his face of the oil. "Knowing Anissina, I doubt we want to know what happened," he muttered.
"Um…agreed that we won't ever speak of this again?" Yuri whispered, ignoring the various soldiers and maids who eyed them curiously. "I just…"
"Agreed," Wolfram quickly concurred. As they began heading toward the baths, he smirked. "Who would have thought that Gwendel would be forced to do this. I feel bad for him."
Yuri nervously laughed. "You were teasing him, I think. I thought you always wanted to suck up to him."
Wolfram snorted and playfully shoved his fiancé. "I care for my brother, you wimp. I could not pass up such an opportunity though, not after he made me do patrol duty when you were visiting the last time. Also, you did your own fair of teasing by asking all those questions."
"I…was just curious," Yuri uttered and blushed when Wolfram grasped his hand. "Hey, you know what I want to know still?"
"You still want more information?" Wolfram asked incredulously, squeezing Yuri's hand as he led the king to their room. "What is it?"
"How does Gwendel know all that stuff?"
Wolfram halted in his steps along with Yuri, sharing a wide eye expression. They briefly glanced back to where Gwendel's magenta covered head poked out of a door, addressing a maid.
"GET ME A DRINK IMMEDIATELY!"
(1) Apparently, condoms were made of the eyelids from goats before latex was used. Nice visual, isn't it? I don't know if they use condoms in the alternate world, but since this is about safe sex, there you have it.
So there's that. I've had little sleep and this is the result.
Hope you enjoyed it.
Practice safe sex,