Disclaimer: The only thing I'm dominating right now is my computer. Not the Naruto world. Woe is me.
The Eccentric Files
Act1: Running Away
Subject: What the fuck?!
Okay pig, you've got some major explaining to do!
You KNOW I hate being in Geometry without you! Where are you, anyway?! HE and I are being paired up together AND I NEED HELP AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN HERE!
And Sai wants to know where you are, but I told him to go fuck off. He doesn't deserve you, especially after what he did. Want me to knee him? I'll do it, too. Plus, HE. WON'T. STOP. LOOKING. AT. ME.
Okay, he's now on the floor, clutching his Family Jewels. Haha, serves him right, stupid bastard. I'm sorry, I know how much you don't like talking about him.
So, where are you? IF YOU'RE CUTTING CLASS AGAIN JUST TO GO MAKE OUT WITH WHATS-HIS-BUCKET I AM GOING TO RIP OUT YOUR EYEBROWS!
Seriously, geometry first period with HIM isn't healthy, especially without you. If you're not cutting and you really just don't feel well, want me to make you some of my homemade soup that you love so much? Okay, Kakashi-sensei is writing the homework on the board...
Evil teacher. Eeeevil teacher. Page 150 #1-25, then page 153 #1-44 odd. God dammit, and I have softball practice later. And don't you have cheerleading practice after school? Man, I am NOT telling Kayo-sensei you're sick; that woman gives me the heebie jeebies.
YOU BETTER E-MAIL ME BACK, YAMANAKA INO! I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE DYING, YOU WILL REPLY BACK!
Subject: It appears that the shit has hit the fan.
Alright forehead, relax. Chill pill and all that jazz.
Oh dear, 'HE'?! My my, it appears that little Sakura is finally getting some love in her life.
...Or maybe not, considering you ran into him carrying a chocolate cake and thoroughly ruined his best shirt. Oh well, maybe he's forgotten! Doubtful, but hey, it's worth a shot. (Except don't try too many times darling, I worry about you and your OCD behavior.)
Try not to drool too much.
Oh, and kick Sai again--for me. Maybe step on his head when he's on the floor and writhing in pain.
Alright, I guess this is the part where I explain? Hmn...yeah, don't really want to. All you need to know is that I have some stuff to figure out, and home was not the place to do it. It looks like you'll be going to be in Geometry class without me for a while, seeing as I am on a bus less than 200 miles from N.Y.C.
Tell Kayo-sensei that I eloped with Michael Jackson to have his love-child, and report what she says.
Oh, and what's-his-bucket and I are over. Very over. Past-life over. Alright, I gotta run. The dude sitting next to me, (who is maybe a 7 on the hotness scale, possibly more if his head didn't resemble a pineapple) has just fallen asleep on my shoulder. It's fairly distracting, since he's breathing on my neck and the grandparents three seats down are looking scandalized.
Hmmm, I am going to kiss him awake! That should make this stupid trip less boring...
Big hugs and some shoe polish for your noble brow,
Subject: I'm gonna punch your pretty face in
YOU'RE LEAVING ME?!
Fine. I get the kids, AND the house.
What love, Ino? He hasn't talked to me SINCE that evil-day-that-I-told-you-not-to-mention-which-YOU-HAVE-JUST-DONE! Though, can calling me a bimbo airhead who can't even walk straight for five seconds without ruining something count as talking?
Uh-oh, he noticed my looking at him, and is now proceeding to glare at me. Jesus, who raped HIM with a stick this morning? ...wow, those are some bad thoughts. DIE!
Hmm, since I didn't know what head you were referring to, I did. Whoops; I don't think he'll be having kids for a looong time. Oh well, if anyone asks, I'm doing it for the good of the environment and not that I get satisfaction from his pain. Which I don't. Not at all.
You must be joking. And get a barricade of pompom's thrown at me? NO. WAY. Besides, she'll probably start wailing that her team captain is a lesbian, since I'm not sure if Michael actually counts as a man, anymore. He's too...feminine looking.
Whoa, who's getting the love NOW, Ino-pig? Hmm, you must go in-depth on Pineapple Head. He sounds fairly hot. I still can't believe you're leaving me, AND cheating on me with P.H. The children (and all of the boys at our school, and probably some girls too) will be devastated.
Kisses to both you and the guy who is unknowingly giving you hickies,
Subject: You called me pretty!
You know, glaring is just another way of undressing someone with the eyes. (DO NOT DENY IT, YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE).
Oh, sorry I forgot that I wasn't supposed to mention that. I suppose I shouldn't mention when he walked in on your stunning performance of, "I'm singing in the rain" either, hmmn?
Oh, I'm sorry. It was very funny when you backed into the stack of chairs--causing them to topple over and land on him though.
It's not really LEAVING--I mean, I'm still talking to YOU...
Oh, one thing, could you maybe not talk about me going to N.Y.C. to anybody? I have my reasons, trust me. I might tell you later.
-Gasp!- No insulting the Michael! He is very dear to my heart!
Okay, PH just RUDELY read over my shoulder, (which he is still doing, yes, I see you PH. PH stands for Pineapple Head you dork, now go back to sleep) and asked me who Michael was. I said Michael Jackson, and the grandparents who were still looking at me like I was some sort of incurable whore, started tittering.
Apparently, MJ's mere name is the new swear-word of the year!
Alright, nothing has been extracted from the Pineapple Head yet. Our conversation thus far has gone like this:
Me: -Kissing him in an attempt to entertain self and get him off my shoulder-
PH: -Kisses back, (VERY WELL) and mumbles something like 'Temari'-
Me: -breaks away- "Who's Temari?"
PH: -Fully awake now and looking confused- "Who are YOU?!"
Me: "I'm...a fairy."
PH: -turning to grandparents- "Did she just molest me in my sleep?"
Grandparents: "Well! I should think so!"
Me: "I did not! I was just...waking you up."
PH: "...I see..."
I believe that this will be the start of a beautiful relationshi--
AAAAH! OHMIGOD SAKURA, THE BUS DRIVER JUST TURNED ON THE COUNTRY MUSIC! WHY GOD, WHY?!
Bleeding eardrums and thanks-for-hurting-Sai's,
Subject: Don't get too excited, I'm still gonna punch you
...have you been listening to the voices again? Don't you take medicine for that? I TOLD YOU TO ONLY TAKE ONE THIS MORNING!!
And I have no idea what you're talking about, Ino. Lalala, THAT NEVER HAPPENED!
Fine then! How about the time you tripped into Ferezuka Jonouchi, our darling football captain (as I'm sure you know; you've made out with him plenty of times behind the bleachers) AND CAUSED HIM TO FALL INTO ANKO-SENSEI'S BOOBS?!
Revenge is a bitch, isn't it Boar?
Okay, but what do you want me to tell them? I don't think the MJ excuse will go down very well with Tsunade-sama. What do you want me to tell her, huh?
...and no, Ino, she won't accept that you got abducted by Teddy Bears, either.
Ino, you ARE an incurable whore. Seriously, how many boyfriends have you had this past month? Like, eight?
So, he kisses well, does he?
Name one of your daughters after me!
Okay, gotta go. Gym is next, and I swear to Kami, one of these days I'm going to YOUTHFULLY punch Gai-sensei in his YOUTHFUL face. Of course he'll probably be proud of me. And then make me run laps. Life can be so unfair.
Still missing you terribly,
Subject: I tremble in fear.
But you see Sakura, the difference between my relationships with boys like Ferezuka and your...'relationship' (Can you call stalking a relationship?) with Sasuke-kun is that I am not blindly chasing after him still.
Though really, you two must have opposite vibes or something. Normally, you are a very graceful person--it's just when he enters the perimeter that you start flipping out. (I would blame this on your crush on him, but you don't even have to SEE him. Talk about negative vibes).
...Wait, he was football captain?
Alright, I'll e-mail Tsunade myself. You don't have to face the dragon-woman on my behalf, though I got happy glows from the thought.
And I am not an incurable whore. Like seriously, EIGHT boyfriends?!
First of all, I do not have BOYFRIENDS, I have TOYS. And secondly, there were AT LEAST twelve.
It's not that I try to go through them like that--it's just that they're all so...boring. Out of all of them, NONE have even a SPARK of originality--it's just, "Pants off, shirt up. Did you say your name was Ano?"
It's like you and Sasuke, only instead of just glancing over the other guys and deciding they aren't right for me, I actually go test them out.
PH is my new hero by the way. He got the maniac bus driver to change the radio station by singing along. Predictably, the station was changed until we got to some good, rock music, and PH shut up.
I think he might be a god. I gave him some of my pocky as thanks and a peace offer. I do believe we have called a truce. I offered some pocky to the grandparents, but they spat on the floor and made the sign of the cross.
But then PH pointed out that there was more for us! PH is a bloody genius.
Oh, by the way, I left some pocky for you taped to the bottom of the third base marker. It's still in the box, so I think it'll be okay.
...Ahahaha, YOSH. While you are running laps, just picture me in my nice, air-conditioned seat. With PH and pocky. And good music.
And yes, PH is a fantastic kisser. He's talking to me now, and it's actually kind of interesting so I am going to listen. Something about how the grandparents remind him of walruses.
Yes, it is official; I am going to have to kill this Temari girl.
Name one of my daughters after you?
Sure, I'll do that.
P.S. There a guy at the back of the bus who looks disturbing. I think he might have died--he's all bundled up under this big, bulky coat.
'Troublesome,' as PH seems to like to say.
Subject: I really hate Gai
YOU SAID HIS NAME! YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY IT BECAUSE IF HE EVER FINDS THIS HE'LL KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT HIM AND THEN HE'LL THINK THAT I'M WEIRDER THAN I ALREADY AM AND I'LL NEVER HAVE A CHANCE WITH HIM AND-
Okay, I'm done now. So when Gai asked where you were I told him that you were having youthful babies with some stranger, and that you probably wouldn't be back for a while. To which he replied, "YOSH! AS A BEST FRIEND, MISS HARUNO, YOU MUST KEEP THE BURNING FLAME OF YOUTH BRIGHT! SO YOU WILL NOT ONLY DO YOUR YOUTHFUL LAPS BUT MISS YAMANAKAS AS WELL!"
...I hate you. Have I ever mentioned that?
I wouldn't know about that whole originality thing, since I've only dated like a couple of boys since we started high school.
And no, I don't count the heaps of blind dates you've sent me on, since within the first five minutes all of their hands were sliding up my thigh or groping me in some way. Thanks so much, Ino.
Oh, phew. I like this PH more and more.
AND YOU LEFT ME SOME POCKY?!
And why are you going to kill Temari-bitch?
Oh my God! Do you actually like PH?!
HOLY SHIT, THE APOCOLYPSE IS COMING!! YOU'RE NOT JUST SCREWING HIM MINDLESSLY, YOU'RE ACTUALLY GETTING TO KNOW HIM! I'm really shocked. And so proud of you, Ino-pig!
Still hating you,
P.S- Are you sure he isn't a bum? And don't poke him with a stick, Ino, like you did to the last bum. I didn't like being chased down four blocks at traffic time.
Subject: But he loves you!
Being the best friend I am, I have decided to relinquish all flirting rights over Sasuke and actually help you out. (Do not get warm and fuzzy on me, this is only happening because I am several hundred miles away and will not technically be seeing you).
Alright, so here's what I am going to have you do; the next time you see Sas—HIM, smile. Nicely.
Think you can handle that? Tell me what the results are.
I hope you enjoyed your pocky. Know that I was eating my own at the same time that you were.
And hey, I resent that screwing comment.
But yes, I suppose PH head and I are…friends. I know, I am surprised too. I am going to have to ride this bus thing more often.
And I have to kill this Temari girl since he is obviously involved with her and is attempting to play the loyal boyfriend as we speak.
And he is not a bum, I just asked him. He said define 'bum,' so I asked if he was unemployed and he said no.
Okay, weird bulky has just squeezed past us an—
Oh my God, why is reaching into his pocket? Oh shit, Sakura, I think he's got a gu—
A/N- Hola everyone, Missa here! FFN has just recently stopped being gay and has allowed us to post this. Huzzah! OKAY, so, if you've been on Ren's LJ lately, you've probably already read this, although I fixed some things up. Don't ask where this idea came from, it was induced from a sugar high from me at three (or was it five?) in the morning from me and probably just her normal new-story high at one for Ren. As always, reviews are always appriciated (and if you can guess who wrote who, you get a cookie).