The Eccentric Files
Action10: Take a Bow
Hey, Naruto. Uh, I'm at the airport; I'm going to visit Ino in New York. If you see Kiba, tell him thanks, for everything. And if you see Sasuke-kun...
Ignore him. Just...ignore him.
I'll be gone for a few days, including Monday, so if anyone asks: I'm sick. Thanks.
Yo! Wait, so I don't get to see you for several LONG AND DIFFICULT DAYS?! My heart weeps, Sakura-chan! Okay, what do I need to punch Sasuke for THIS time?Are you seriously going to New York? Isn't that kind of...what's the word...rash? (not the itchy kind). I mean, Ino's coming back in a few weeks...
Don't worry, Naruto, I'm sure you'll be fine.
Again, don't worry about it, Naruto. Sasuke was just being Sasuke. And, well, he's Sasuke, and I'm Sakura. Our worlds weren't meant to join, anyway.
Yes, I know it's rash, I just miss her, and I think that maybe a vacation might do me some good.
Au contraire, I will NOT be fine! You need to be here to protect me from Neji. Dinner at Hinata's did not go as well as we had hoped. (I did NOT THROW FOOD. AT ALL.)
Plus, without you, I am totally a victim. Hinata's dead terrified of Neji, and Tenten—
Well, I think she's crazy. A lot crazy. We should call the psychiatric ward and have her admitted because that chick is BATSHIT INSANE. I think she likes watching others in pain.
Don't get on the plane yet. Seriously. I need you.
Let me make things perfectly clear. You are an idiot. I don't know if you were (repeatedly) dropped on the head as a child, or if it's just some natural deficiency—but I have a question for you.
WHAT. THE. HELL. IS. YOUR. PROBLEM?
Because I feel that this is a very important topic for us to discuss. And while I realize that you have an arsenal of problems, (such as civil conversation and—OKAY, I'LL JUST SAY IT, WHAT IS WITH YOUR HAIR? IT'S CALLED A COMB, YOU UNHYGENIC FART-NOSE) I would like to skip over all of those ridiculous details and get to the point. Which is Sakura-chan.
I think we should go over The Guy Code again.
Rule Number One: When The Girlfriend is upset, you are supposed to make it better. Remember, do not tell them the truth—tell them what they want to hear.
Rule Number Two: When you are lucky enough to HAVE a girlfriend, (you lucky bastard) you are not supposed to UNNECESSARILY ANTAGONIZE HER.
Rule Number Three: When you have a girlfriend and ANOTHER girl hits on you, there are several steps to go through—
One, make sure that the two of them won't agree to a harem. (if not, skip to number three)
Two, figure out which one you love more. I mean, which one you'd rather bang. Yeah.
Three, make a decision on who you're going to go with. If The Girlfriend happens to be a hot female who'd gladly jump your bones—DO NOT GO OFF WITH THE OTHER ONE. Get your priorities straight.
(Four, if The Girlfriend is actually kind of a bitch and you were looking for the excuse to dump her anyways, then feel free to get out the camera and take pictures of what will surely be a very hot catfight.)
Five, consol The Girlfriend. Say all those embarrassing things that she really likes to hear and which you would not be caught dead saying elsewhere. (Example: "You're the only one for me, my sweet cheery blossom." Etcetera etcetera.)
Rule Number Four: Cars are cool. So are airplanes and knives. Shoot-em-up games are kind of neat as well. Never, ever admit to having played 'Dance Dance Revolution.' Eat anything you can at all possible opportunities. When making a vow, be sure to knock fists. Slapping hands is kind of girly.
Rule Number Five: DO NOT CHECK YOUR FINGER NAILS THE GIRL WAY, AND YES SASUKE, I SAW YOU DOING THAT YESTERDAY. NEVER FEAR, YOUR SECRET IS SAFE WITH ME—SO LONG AS YOU KEEP YOUR HYSTERICAL GIRLFRIEND FROM FLYING TO NEW YORK.
I swear to God, I will tell everyone. I will even make flyers with the URL of your video on YouTube and PUT THEM UP EVERYWHERE if you do not fix things.
P.S. Kiba says he knows this guy who has a friend with a Harley's Angel's tattoo that likes girls with pink hair. You hear that? Someone is sniffing out the turf. Do the alpha male thing. Go pee on a bush.
You might think that you have some sort of 'blackmail' over me, but remember. I can and will tell Neji where you've been hiding. You do know that he's been sleeping in your house—waiting for you to come home, right?
Just a friendly tip.
Look, what are you talking about? Where's Sakura? And stay out of my business, for the last damn time.
P.S. Tell Kiba that his friend's mother's whatever can go and screw a cactus.
Since it's obviously taking so long to sink in—
SHE'S LEAVING YOU. I JUST GOT A TEXT FROM HER. SHE'S AT THE AIRPORT. GOING TO NEW YORK. AND NEVER COMING BACK!
What the hell did you do, you messed up, asexual blob?!
I feel so devious. Did you SEE the way that sucker knocked over his desk? I swear, I have never seen him move that quickly. I think his eye might have been twitching.
Maybe I shouldn't have thrown in the 'never coming back' part.
Oh well. Sasuke always was a little slow.
…Wait, what's going on?
Sasuke cheated on Sakura. Or at least, she thinks he did. Apparently some psycho—(the redhead, remember? The one humping his car. Or whatever it was that she was doing) has gotten it into her head that they're 'destined to be together' and she has apparently purchased his contact information off eBay, courtesy of Shino.
No wonder he got a Rolex…
Anyway, she seems to think that getting someone's phone number also means buying their soul, and—like—publicly made out with him. And now Sakura has the wrong idea and is running off to New York to hang out with Ino—
And I just told Sasuke that she's never coming back.
Which is a complete lie, I mean, whoa, I can't believe he fell for that. WAHAHA. Bet you security's not going to be too happy about him blatantly cutting class!
Oh man, this is so sweet.
You got SASUKE to tell you this?!
Of course not. I got all this from Ino.
Oh my god. He's going to kill you. He's going to rip you to shreds. I'm serious. When he gets back, he and Neji will band together and it will be like the Salem Witch Trials all over again! They'll go hunting! FOR YOU.
…AND THEN THEY'RE GOING TO ASSUME THAT I WAS AN ACCOMPLICE!
That's it. Oh my god. Pack your things, we're going to Antarctica.
Subject: So it looks like there's been a change of plans
In my defense, this IS NOT MY FAULT. Blame Sasuke. Because even though I asked Naruto not to tell him I was leaving for New York, he did it anyway.
Oh my God, Ino-chan. I'm sitting here, on Sasuke's bed (get your mind out of the gutter, pervert) and I still can't get my mind wrapped around it.
So I guess I'll start at the beginning, huh?
I was texting Naruto, and I told him I was leaving for New York for a few days, but I asked him not to tell Sasuke-kun where I was going, because...well, you already know, but Naruto doesn't, so he obviously wanted him to stop me.
And ohhhh, stop me he did.
So I was just sitting there, minding my own business and waiting for my plane to arrive, when suddenly there was this shadow standing over me. And it didn't move. I had assumed that it was some guy waiting for a seat or whatever, but after about five minutes I got annoyed and looked up.
And there was Sasuke-kun, standing there, staring at me. Just...staring at me. (It kind of gave me the creeps, to tell you the truth. His face was COMPLETELY. BLANK.) This is what he said to me:
"What are you doing here, idiot? You should be in school." I replied that so should he, and he just stared at me, completely silent. Then...
"You're not leaving. I won't allow it."
I was PISSED, obviously. So I stood up and started yelling at him, and poking him in the chest (though we were completely ignoring the people giving us strange looks. We were also getting scandalized! looks from grandparents. It reminded me of you, and PH, of course.)
And then, he just grabs me by my shoulders and kisses me. I would describe it, but my mind was blissfully blank. Let me just say that if I thought that that kiss after play practice was good, it had NOTHING on this kiss.
"You're going to stay right where you are, do you understand, Sakura?" HOW he could talk after that kiss, I still have no idea.
But, anyway, I actually DID understand. He means that where I belong is right there, next to him, by his side.
And, oh my God, Ino-chan...I am so happy. So incredibly happy. Sasuke-kun and I have been doing a lot of kissing in the last few hours, and...wow. I think I'm going to have no brain cells by the time this night is over.
(Also, if you talk to Naruto, tell him to RUN, and run far. He, apparently, told Sasuke I was going to New York and never coming back. This was all done so that Sasuke would come and get me.)
So how are you feeling? What's going on with PH?
Subject: Good, because the way things are going, you might've had to sleep on the street.
Only you could sit on your boyfriend's bed and send your best friend an e-mail. Only you, Sakura.
(Congratulations! I knew you were 'special!')
Just to let you know, I'm happy for you. But if you and Sasuke become one of those disgustingly mushy couples, I will not tolerate it. I mean it. The MINUTE I see one of you feeding the other, I am SO, SO GONE.
…Also, if you start coordinating your outfits, I might have to throw up.
NOW MOVING ON TO THE NEWS FROM MY TOTALLY AWESOME AND WICKED COOL LIFE—
Shikamaru is kind of a bum. I am still working for Chouji. Kankuro and I are on the verge of BEATING Dungeons and Dragons which, no, I most certainly do not play. Most certainly do not.
Do not argue with me.
Temari is doing fine in Italy, though. I got an e-mail from her the other day. Apparently she's rooming with another model, who's kind of a bitch, but they are doing this weird, 'we-can-be-friends-so-long-as-you-let-me-borrow-your-shoes.'
Sakura. We do not have this kind of a relationship, right? It frightens me. It seriously does.
So, anyway, I'll keep you posted on the PH thing. Asshole. I mean, his girlfriend was CLEARLY setting us up, (which was pretty cool of her, I must say) and what does he do? WHAT DOES HE DO?
Makes some lame-ass excuse about me being a minor.
SO ARE YOU, YOU NITWIT. WE ARE BOTH ILLEGAL. I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT HIS I.D. IS A FAKE.
Grumble. Mutter. Hiss.
Although, Chouji is telling horror stories about when the two of them were in high school, (I guess they graduated early or something) and I must say…it is making my marginally more cheerful. Wow. Okay, so, PH was a pimp. Is. Whatever. Apparently, though, he basically just kind of sat around and let them come to him. Which is not how romance is supposed to work. He is supposed to be dashing, and, like, I don't know. Knock on the door and sweep me off my feet and—
SOMEONE IS KNOCKING ON THE DOOR.
THERE IS A GOD!
Subject: False Alarm
Never mind. Some crazy person thought that it was Halloween. Just ignoring that they are off by several months, um.
PH, YOU LOSER. YOU WERE JUST SHOWED UP BY SOME CANDY-DELUDED HOBO!
P.S. Ten days until your play!
Subject: I'm curious…
What's happening over there? How are the lovebirds? How is Kiba-the-obvious-besotted-and-in-denial taking all of this?
And most importantly, what the HELL did you do to piss off Neji so badly? I'm worried, Naruto-chan. I mean, if you die, then they'll investigate me to see if I know anything, and then they'll find out that I'm sort of illegally living in New York and—yeah. It would be better for all of us if you didn't die.
And, er, I love you. The world would be a dark, dark place without its number one ninja.
Subject: Please save me
I am writing this to you on Hinata's computer, since she is basically the only one who doesn't want to kill me right now. Seriously. I FEAR FOR MY LIFE!
So much so, that I have taken to hiding in my girlfriend's closet. I mean, they'll NEVER find me here!
Uh. I went to dinner with Hinata's family, right? And Sakura had been teaching me about etiquette and such, so I thought I was…pretty safe. I knew enough to not throw my food at the ceiling, since Neji and Sasuke are both kind of anal about that. I don't know what their problem is, do you? Serious under-appreciation of modern art.
Anyway, everything was fine for a while. I mean, I think Hinata tried to drown herself in her tea a few times, but other than that, all was well.
And then and then—
They started INTERROGATING ME. I have never been so afraid.
First it was, "What do you want to be when you grow up, Naruto?"
And I KNEW I should have said something like a doctor or a lawyer or some ambitious, respectable job like that, but I was REALLY, REALLY nervous, and ended up blurting out that I wanted to be a ninja. Which is TRUE, but obviously not the right answer. Yes. I think I failed a personality test.
And then her dad's eyes narrowed and he got all stiff—and THEN!
"What is your GPA?" (About a…2.5.) "Who are your parents?" (I live alone. But I have a couple of perverted old men who check on me occasionally.) "What are your intentions with my daughter?"
I swear, I didn't know I was this stupid. I think he has truth-zapping laser eyes. BECAUSE I—
"Well, I think she's pretty hot. And I like kissing her a lot. She's pretty cool, you know?"
I SWEAR TO GOD, IT SOUNDED PRETTY GOOD IN MY HEAD.
Hinata turned all red and made this funny little choking noise, which probably meant "Run, Naruto, run for your life!" and her dad got all freakishly still and gripped the butter knife kind of threateningly, and Neji…
Well, Neji basically just attacked.
And now both he AND Sasuke are—OH MY GOD THEY'RE WORKING TOGETHER—and frankly, I am worried about my ability to create children, since I think that if they catch me I am. Um. Well.
Which is why you need to come home early and. Uh. Save me.
Darling, your eye is twitching again. If you don't tune down the homicidal look, they're going to suspend you again.
My eye is not twitching. And I do not look homicidal. I am calm, Tenten. I am very, very calm.
Notice to self: Make sure to update will.
If you say so. Silly head, I think it's time for s o m e b o d y to take a nappie!
Don't patronize me, woman! We're through!
Neji, you try to break up with me at LEAST twice a day. You need to get over this fear of commitment. We should have a good, long talk.
I am not afraid of commitment and I do not need a 'talk' because I'm serious! We're through!
I want my red bra back, then.
I don't have it!
…Oops. Um. Never mind!
…And what exactly is that supposed to mean?
Hey, Neji, my love life is no longer any of your business. Chillax, you just broke your pencil again.
Tenten. I demand to know what is going on. It is too my business.
Can I borrow a pencil?
Well, if you want to know, then you'll have to un-break-up with me. That's just the way things work, Neji. Accept some responsibility!
Sure. Do you want the one with the panda eraser?
Fine. Now tell me what you meant about the red bra.
And I want the bird eraser.
Glad to know you're back on the team, sport.
TELL ME ABOUT THE RED BRA!
I find it hysterically funny that the teacher FINALLY caught us texting, just as you were sending the bra message. Don't worry, I'm sure your reputation is totally intact.
Tell me about your bra already.
Is that a sexual innuendo?
Stop laughing at me. You know what I meant.
Since the thought of me showing someone other than you my underwear has obviously sent you into a passion of jealous rage, I shall disclose this scandalous information:
I'm wearing said red bra. I forgot.
I think I need to break up with you again.
You idiot, you were supposed to ask for proof!
Is that a sexual innuendo?
My God, but you are slow. YES, YES IT WAS.
Breaking up. Now.
It's that time of month, huh?
P.S. You are officially the biggest loser ever. I can't believe you turned down the opportunity to see a girl in her underwear. What kind of man are you?
You are very evil.
P.S. You were…what?
Accept your defeat gracefully and meet me behind the bleachers.
P.S. Oh God…I should be the one breaking up with you all the time!
Subject: EXCUSE ME?!
Uh, we're not dating. We just make-out. We haven't discussed being in a relationship just yet. (Bite me. If anyone's special here, it's you.)
...Ino, can you SEE Sasuke being one of those people? I mean, COME ON. He'd probably kill himself before he ever fed me. (And, seriously? COORDINATING OUR OUTFITS? I'd kill myself before I EVER allowed that to happen.
...I am TOTALLY going to argue with you. If you're on the verge of beating D&D, then how do you not play it? I'm curious.
No, we don't have that relationship. Ours is more like so-long-as-you-let-me-borrow-your-clothes-I'll-be-friends-with-you.
(Relax, I'm kidding.)
...YOU'RE JOKING. OKAY, FORGET SASUKE, I AM SOOOO COMING UP THERE AND BEATING HIS ASS. Seriously? Seriously?! BECAUSE YOU'RE A MINOR?!
Boys are stupid. Let's throw rocks at them.
Hohoho--let me hear some of these horror stories!
(and poor you; STUPID DOOR-KNOCKERS, INDUCING FALSE HOPES!)
P.S. WHEN ARE YOU COMING DOWN TO SEE IT?
Be prepared. I'm going to rip you to shreds and grind your spine into dust. Sakura's "leaving for good", is she?
How are those plane tickets to Antarctica coming along?
Subject: So it looks like I'm not coming to New York after all...
Sorry! I had my plane tickets, and I was all set to go...
And then my sort-of boyfriend came after me and convinced me to stay home. I'm really sorry! I know you were looking forward to coming and meeting me...but maybe you can come with Ino when she comes to see my play? I'll pay for your plane ticket, or whatever ticket you need to get here.
So, uh, what do you think?
Hey, this is Chouji's voicemail! Leave your name after the beep! Or maybe you could come over. And bring some Barbeque-flavored potato chips while you're at it, okay?
Hey, Chouji, this is Shikamaru. Can you, uh...can you tell me when Ino gets off from work? Or when she has a day off? She's not talking to me. Well, later.
justcallmeMASTERINO: Yo, K-slice. What's poppin', my home sizzle?
justcallmeMASTERINO: What's up, my brother?
justcallmeMASTERINO: You got something to say?
2sexxy2c: u r as white az vanila icecream. stop that
justcallmeMASTERINO: There are two l's in 'Vanilla'
2sexxy2c: y rnt u coming 2 work?
justcallmeMASTERINO: I quit. The side effects involve a shitty attendance record.
2sexxy2c: i no
2sexxy2c: but isn't everything kind of better now? i thought my sis gave him up for u
justcallmeMASTERINO: Yes, well, PH is kind of slow on the uptake.
2sexxy2c: lol u r on crack
justcallmeMASTERINO: Thanks, I amaze myself with my own wit too, occasionally.
2sexxy2c: so wats hiz prob?
justcallmeMASTERINO: Ugh. He insists that I Am A Minor and therefore off-limits. I guess he's convinced he's going to corrupt me.
2sexxy2c: uh huh
justcallmeMASTERINO: Why so cynical? I am the epitome of innocence.
2sexxy2c: ino, half the time i c u, ur missing half ur clothes
justcallmeMASTERINO: I should be very indignant right now. But you kind of have a point.
2sexxy2c: not that im complaining
justcallmeMASTERINO: At least you have good taste. What dungeon is PH on? Do you know? Or your friend…?
2sexxy2c: u still want to find him?
justcallmeMASTERINO: Yeah. I feel that the most important social interactions happen while battling a pack of baby dragons.
2sexxy2c: u r so twisted
justcallmeMASTERINO: Thank you. I've always been flexible. It comes from robbing banks and the such.
2sexxy2c: ok, FEEDME says TheDarkestShadow is on dungeon 703
justcallmeMASTERINO: HAH. Only 25 dungeons to go!
2sexxy2c: i feel that my life is very, very sad.
I am so, so afraid. Please, please, PLEASE tell me you have those tickets. Neji just kicked me under the table. This is possibly the most violent game of footsie ever. I think my shin just cracked. I'm serious. I don't want to stand up—I think that might seriously break my leg.
Ow, ow, ow, this is so LAME. Of course I think Hinata's cute and a good kisser! I'm freaking dating her! What do they think we do, spend all of our time studying? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?
He just kicked me again. That's why I'm making pained little noises. I am not crying. Shut up. I know you're thinking it.
Ninjas do not cry.
To: NHyuuga, HiashiHyuuga
I'm sorry to bother you like this, but I think you two have gotten the wrong impression of Naruto-kun. I know he and Neji were friends before all of this started, so I'd…really appreciate it if you would all give him another chance. I know that he didn't give off a very good impression at dinner the other day, but—he was really nervous! He practiced being polite for days before coming—doesn't that count for something? I really wish you'd just give him a chance.
So…that's all. I really do like him, and I'm sorry for any disruptions this may have caused you.
But please back off.
Subject: About our date…
Well, I know I had fun. (winkwink) You're so naughty, Sasuke-kun! But ugh, I saw your tag-along. Can you please ditch her already? She makes me break out. I mean, I'm your girlfriend, we need to get rid of the dead weight and move on with our relationship!
I'm coming to see you—I just can't wait!
From: Customer Service
Subject: User Notification
The user, S. Uchiha, has blocked you from his contact list. Please contact us at YahooStaff if you have any questions or concerns. Be sure to check out our newest edition, version 3.4! Upgrade today, for free!
Subject: Restraining order
I'd like to issue a restraining order on Lin Karin, who has verbally, virtually and sexually assaulted me. Please mail me back on this.
Subject: Thought you should know
That girl you saw at the movies kissed me. Not the other way around. She got all my contact information off the internet because of that stupid YouTube video.
So don't get any dumb ideas. I'm not seeing her.
P.S. I want you to come to a concert with me. It's at eight tonight. I'd pick you up.
Subject: (no subject)
Whatever. We wouldn't have been able to do much, honestly. I work days, and my night job is something you probably aren't interested in. Unless you like death metal, black lace, and spikes.
A boyfriend, huh? Have fun with that.
Sorry, I can't come to your play. I'm booked as a DJ that week.
No offense or anything, but I had kind of pegged you down for being a bit more… 'assertive.' Which basically means I thought you were a whore, but I say that in the nicest way possible.
God, Ino. What's taking you so long? It's not like he's a particularly complex human being or anything. It's very simple, really. You tell him what to do, he whines for a while, and then gets it done.
Come on girl, you da man.
Subject: Don't make fun of people smaller than you.
Does this mean that I should give up my dream of him whisking me off my feet, carrying me to the church and getting married? Because I really liked that dream, even if Mr. Butters didn't…It's a shame to loose it so quickly…
Okay, I didn't REALLY think that was going to happen, but do you really think I should take the initiative? Won't that be threatening his manliness?
Subject: I wasn't. Your heels make you more than tall enough.
Sweetheart, if you ever had such a dream, I would laugh at you. Actually, I'm laughing anyways, but whatever.
And please don't mention that hellion of a cat.
Look, Shikamaru's manliness is questionable. I'm sure that he has some sort of demented honor/pride/for-the-sake-of-my-country shit, but I have yet to see it. Basically, he always manages to talk himself out of it. That is occasionally one of his good points, because it makes him low-maintenance. It is also occasionally a bad point, since if a guy walks up to you in a bar and starts hitting on you, it is doubtful that he will do anything more than look slightly grumpy, and maybe, if he can summon the effort, drag you away. (He only does this if he's near you. If he has to get up and walk across the room, then just forget it.)
You probably think that I'm trying to hijack your relationship.
I'll let you in on a little secret: just because Shikamaru works online doesn't mean you don't have competition. His ex-girlfriend from high school? Yeah, and you thought I was a controlling bitch. HAH.
Get a move on, he isn't very good at defending himself or saying no. He just has trouble figuring out what he wants.
(I realize I am being highly optimistic when I assume that Shikamaru wants anything. I used to think he has chronic fatigue syndrome. Then I realized that he was just the laziest bastard to ever walk the planet. I wish I was exaggerating.)
Subject: They show off my legs, what can I say?
This must be really for you weird. You're giving love advice to the bitch that tried to steal your boyfriend. You're helping me steal him! Okay, never mind, this is weird for me too.
I have one question. I have a fair idea of how to take the initiative, but…how does he react to that? I mean—I mean, I kind of come off as a slut. You know what, screw it. I AM kind of a slut. But I don't want him to THINK I'm one.
You know, I almost liked it better when he was unattainable. Now that you're gone, there's no safety net. It's weird.
Subject: Last e-mail
You're right, this is weird. I feel like we could kind of be friends, but—I don't know, maybe after a few years or something. I do still love him, and helping you is…kind of…well, it's just freaky. And it makes me kind of jealous, so, I think this is the last word you'll get from me. I'll come see you in a few years when I'm back from Italy, at which point, neither of us will particularly give a crap about the other's love life, and we can be the best of chums.
Or maybe we can just exchange shoes.
You're going to have to figure out this initiative thing on your own, sorry. I will say this, though; one of the reasons why I wanted to leave so badly was because I kind of wanted to get out of the way. Frankly, you were the other girl, and it was weird. It went past petty suspicions and interrogating him with text messages, (I am proud to say I only did that twice) it was more the realization that I had already become the third wheel.
He has never looked at me like he did you. And from what I've heard, he liked me better than Tayuya. (High school chick. You can thank me someday for kicking her ass. I don't think you could have prevailed against that psycho, no offense) so I guess…you've already got something the rest of us don't.
That was very hard for me to admit, which means that you shouldn't reply to this e-mail. That way I can pretend you failed to ever get it, and never read it. That would be nice.
If you ARE reading this, then good luck.
P.S. He really loves that cat, by the way. Another reason why it wouldn't have worked out.
Ino, this is stupid. This is the second time in a week that we are hiding under the couch, and frankly, there isn't enough room under here for me, much less BOTH of us.
I don't want to talk to him!
Look, he obviously came so he could talk to you! Just open the door! I hate hiding from him—he's my best friend!
Yeah, well…he's kind of a lame best friend.
You have a point. But as a man, we have certain loyalties.
I'm supposed to help him when he's trying to chat up a girl.
HAH! He is not trying to chat me up! I already gave him PLENTY of opportunities! He's probably here to lecture me about 'responsibility' and 'under aged' and whatnot.
You realize that he's only a day older than you?
That's what I said!
Well, sometimes Shikamaru is a little slow to catch on.
Are you mad at him?
Of course I'm mad at him. I went to his place, hung around for hours, BLATANTLY HINTED that we should hook up now, and what does he do? WHAT DOES HE DO? He tells me that I should borrow his coat.
…What's wrong with that?
He didn't want me to be seen in public with the shirt I currently had on.
I am filled with righteous anger!
Ino, I should probably mention that he has the keys to the apartment also.
…what the hell is this, the communal drama-pad?
Subject: Changing the subject to my lovelife…
So, let's cover all our bases.
Number One: Mr. Butters is overweight and living with Shikamaru, but otherwise fine. I still miss him, but whatever.
Number Two: you and Sasuke have made up and are currently snog-buddies-who-occasionally-go-on-dates-with-but-are-not-in-a-real-relationship-and-sometimes-say-things-like-'never-leave-my-side'-etcetera-etcetera…
Number Three: you never told me what was going on with that red-headed rapist who tried to steal your snog-buddy-who-you-occasionally-go-on-dates-with-but-are-not-in-a-real-relationship-and-sometimes-say-things-like-'never-leave-my-side'-etcetera-etcetera…
Number Four: my job is no longer in the fast food industry. I now have better hours, pay, and miss my friends terribly.
Number Five: Kiba and Naruto are planning to run away to Antarctica to escape Neji/Sasuke's wrath.
(Number Five and a half: Kiba obviously has a crush on you and is blatant denial.)
Number Six: Neji and Tenten are still having their psychotic little relationship, which would probably prove hazardous and fatal to any other couple. Nut jobs.
Number Seven: Naruto made a bad impression with Hinata's family, said something along the lines of screwing like rabbits, and now Neji is trying to kill Naruto. (I don't see why he's so SURPRISED.)
Number Eight: Gaara is depressed that you aren't coming to see him, but since the whole thing was basically minor flirtation, he's secretly pleased at all the poetic angst he's gotten out of his 'project' and is writing a song about you. Last I heard, it was called 'Petals of Blood.'
Number Nine: The Burger King has totally lost control of McDonalds and actually called me the other day, yelled for an hour, (I just put the phone down for a while, came back after what I felt was a reasonable amount of time and interrupted) and then asked me come back and work.
Number Ten: Temari is kick ass cool and offers me free love advice, although it is secretly weird, and we probably won't be friends for a while. (Which she has very reasonably pointed out to me.)
Number Eleven: Chouji, Kankuro and Shikamaru are all computer nerds and I am ashamed of them all since I would most certainly never partake in such lame behavior.
Number Twelve: Kankuro and I are kicking ass at Dungeons and Dragons, and I am only five levels away from PH, which is good, since I plan to be a cyber-flirt.
Number Thirteen: even as I say this, I am refusing to see him, since I feel that all things need to have a dramatic waiting period. (And I have no idea what I'm supposed to say. I'm hoping having an audience of virtual ogres will make me braver.)
Number Fourteen: Shino is currently the richest guy in your high school, and Sasuke's video has just landed himself a record deal. Sai has just teamed up with him, (Shino) and I am kind of afraid of the outcome. Sai is very good with Photoshop.
Number Fifteen: Lee has started a petition in your name, declaring that the springtime of your youth shall never go out(!) and all contributions made are to help sponsor your way through college.
Number Sixteen: Naruto and Sasuke are still squabbling over the stupid red/crimson crayon.
Number Seventeen: DID YOU SEE LAST WEEKS EPISODE OF BLEACH? OH. MY. GOD. ANIMATED CHARECTERS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE SO SCRUMPTIOUS!
Number Eighteen: your play is in five days and I can't get airline tickets.
Never fear, I shall find a way!
So, uh, yeah. Before I start up on my drama, I'll tell you about PH's traumatic high school life. Apparently he had a band geek girlfriend named Tayuya and she swore even more than YOU do. (I was also surprised.) From what I can tell, she did her best to make his life a living hell by…
One: Occasionally walking into his classroom in the middle of class and announcing that Shika was going to skip with her now. OR ELSE.
Two: Telling all of the other girls in school that he was crappy in bed, despite never having slept with him. (This was done to eliminate competition.)
Three: Inventing charming nicknames like Shitamaru, which Chouji still likes to call him whenever PH does something irritating or stupid.
Also, when he finally broke up with her, she raided his gym locker and melted chocolate to his pants, and—well, it was a very suspicious stain. No WONDER everyone called him Shitamaru!
What a basket case. She makes me feel like I have EXCELLENT karma.
So, basically, I'm going to. Um. Do a little nerd flirting now, and see if I can get Shitamar—PH to…er…Well, I'm going to confess. Over the internet. Because I believe in doing things the dirty (read: lame) way.
Wish me luck!
Or at least pretend that you aren't rolling your eyes at your pathetic, wimpy friend. I think things were better when I didn't like the guys I slept with.
justcallmeMASTERINO: Guess who!
TheDarkestShadow: You're going to talk to me?
justcallmeMASTERINO: It appears so.
justcallmeMASTERINO: Unless you piss me off. In which case, I will kill the dwarves over there and make you watch.
TheDarkestShadow: How terrifying.
justcallmeMASTERINO: It is, isn't it?
TheDarkestShadow: So what do you want?
justcallmeMASTERINO: I want many things. Why did you ask Chouji for my schedule?
TheDarkestShadow: You shouldn't answer a question with a question.
TheDarkestShadow: I wanted to talk to you.
justcallmeMASTERINO: So here I am.
TheDarkestShadow: Why were you hiding?
justcallmeMASTERINO: Because I didn't want to talk to you.
TheDarkestShadow: Why's that?
justcallmeMASTERINO: It would have been awkward.
justcallmeMASTERINO: Because…I was the girl probably responsible for your split with your last girl friend.
TheDarkestShadow: She left because of work.
justcallmeMASTERINO: Yeah. But I helped.
TheDarkestShadow: Yes, Ino. Your existence was obviously a sin.
justcallmeMASTERINO: That wasn't what I meant!
TheDarkestShadow: I know.
justcallmeMASTERINO: You're being kind of mean.
TheDarkestShadow: You didn't talk to me for almost a week because you were being stupid and sulking. I'm kind of annoyed.
justcallmeMASTERINO: Maybe this is a bad time.
TheDarkestShadow: Don't leave.
justcallmeMASTERINO: I'm not going to talk to you if you're in a bad mood. I need you in a good mood.
TheDarkestShadow: Okay, fine, I'm over it. Way to rip away my pouting rights, jeez.
justcallmeMASTERINO: …Are you mad at me?
TheDarkestShadow: Not anymore.
justcallmeMASTERINO: So…you WERE!
TheDarkestShadow: You're troublesome.
justcallmeMASTERINO: I knew it! I knew this was a bad plan!
justcallmeMASTERINO: I knew it wouldn't work out! I can't do this!
justcallmeMASTERINO: I hate this! I hate being all nervous and insecure and I hate YOU for making me that way! I never really cared about what anyone thought before now—well, I cared a little. I didn't want my friends to hate me, but they all put up with me being a whore because I was never a whore with THEM and—
TheDarkestShadow: I think you're more of a nerd than you thought.
justcallmeMASTERINO: I am not a computer nerd. I was just playing this stupid game so I could do it with you as a bonding activity.
TheDarkestShadow: I didn't mean that.
justcallmeMASTERINO: What did you mean?
TheDarkestShadow: That you're doing your confession thing over the internet. That's so lame.
justcallmeMASTERINO: …I know.
TheDarkestShadow: Really, really lame.
justcallmeMASTERINO: I was afraid. Leave me alone, you big meanie!
TheDarkestShadow: If we're going to do this stupid drama thing, I only want to do it once. And it has to be face-to-face anyways, so cut the internet crap.
justcallmeMASTERINO: …But it's three in the morning and raining.
TheDarkestShadow: So come over here, leave Chouji a note.
justcallmeMASTERINO: ARE YOU TAKING THE INITIATIVE?
TheDarkestShadow: It's an online thing. It's a lot easier.
justcallmeMASTERINO: Nerdflirt! Nerdflirt!
TheDarkestShadow: What the hell?
justcallmeMASTERINO: Okay. Okay, I'll come. Just let me pack a change of clothes.
TheDarkestShadow: Don't bother.
justcallmeMASTERINO: …You did not just say that.
TheDarkestShadow: You're right. We're only doing the drama once.
justcallmeMASTERINO: Did I just trample my shot at cybersex?
TheDarkestShadow: Pretty much.
TheDarkestShadow: Bye, Ino.
-TheDarkestShadow has signed off-
justcallmeMASTERINO: HA. HA. HA.
justcallmeMASTERINO: …OH MY GOD.
justcallmeMASTERINO: Be cool, Ino. Be cool.
justcallmeMASTERINO: Does he really think I'm just going to walk over and sleep with him?!
justcallmeMASTERINO: Because I'm NOT.
justcallmeMASTERINO: Stupid men. Always turn love into sex.
justcallmeMASTERINO: I DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.
-TheDarkestShadow has signed on-
TheDarkestShadow: Ino, you know that all the messages you send to me when I'm offline are automatically delivered, right?
TheDarkestShadow: So much for only doing this once.
justcallmeMASTERINO: I think I'm going to hide from you for another week now, okay? Okay.
justcallmeMASTERINO: Because honestly, I don't think I could ever, ever, ever face you now.
justcallmeMASTERINO: May I withdrawl the love comment?
TheDarkestShadow: I don't know. Do you want to?
-justcallmeMASTERINO has signed off-
-justcallmeMASTERINO has signed on-
justcallmeMASTERINO: Not really.
justcallmeMASTERINO: I'll be there in half an hour, and then I can say all of this properly.
-justcallmeMASTERINO has signed off-
TheDarkestShadow: Exactly as I planned…
-TheDarkestShadow has signed off-
I figured that you wouldn't be able to get the plane tickets, so I went ahead and got them for you. There are three enclosed; one for you, one for PH, and one for Chouji. I've been working at Starbucks for the past few months so that I could get these for you, but I wanted to keep it a secret so that I could see you freak out and worry.
(I'm joking. I wanted it to be a surprise. Surprise!)
For my play, you HAVE to dress nice, Ino. When you come home, stop at my house; the boys can stay downstairs. I made sure that all of the children are sleeping over one of their little friends houses, and my parents went away somewhere. No idea where, and I don't really care. So anyway, I left a pair of dress black pants on my bed, an ice-blue tank top, and black heels. There's makeup on my dresser.
(I CAN be nice when I want to!)
Alright, in answer to all of your "bases", (God damn, you have so many.)
Yes, Sasuke-kun and I are in a sort of friends-with-benefits sort-of relationship. I think I'm going to address this with him later, since he's taking me out to a concert and is picking me up. (You know, he didn't even ASK ME. He just said that he's taking me out to a concert at eight, and that he'd pick me up. I'm going to have to work on this whole Sakura-is-going-to-be-at-my-beck-and-call thing.)
That red-haired girl is named Karin, and if I hear the words pink-haired slut come out of her mouth anymore, I am going to RIP OUT HER (fakely dyed) EYEBROWS. Though I was rather basking in the way Sasuke put his arm around me and glared at her...
Because I am AWESOME, I'm going to answer two of your things at once. I think that you should compromise; work for Chouji on the weekdays, and McDonalds on the weekends. Talk to The Burger King about this. (I think he misses you. Awwww, Ino-chan!)
Really? I must text Naruto and tell him that California is more the way to go than Antartica. (Though if they leave, they should get me a penguin!) Actually, no, I'd miss them terribly. I'll just tell Sasuke-kun to lay off, and that if what they did got us together, then does it really matter? (maybe I'll even turn on the waterworks, muahaha.)
Also, I've talked to Kiba, and he IS over me; he's currently dating some girl named Hikari from the Shigoken H.S in the next town over. I met her (I had to approve, y'know) and she's very nice.
Leave Neji and Tenten's relationship alone; we ALL have weird relationships. Just look at you and PH. (Speaking of which, WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THAT?! SERIOUSLY, I. NEED. DETAILS. WOMAN.)
I'm ignoring the one about Neji and Naruto (because that's all smoothed out, now, thanks to Hinata. Genius girl, she is.) to talk about Gaara: uhm, should I be flattered that he's writing me a song entitled Petals of Blood, or afraid?
I think I should talk to Temari; after all, I'M not the other woman. Perhaps she and I could be friends, or something. Possibly. We'll see.
Once again, you are SO a computer nerd; you play Dungeons and Dragons. Which, I believe, you had once referred to as Dungeons-Humping-Dragons. (My brain cells still haven't recovered from that, by the way.)
You know, since you're coming home for my play, and SAI WILL BE THERE... well, you still owe him that beating for cheating on you and turning out to be gay. (Also because he's trying to steal my maybe-boyfriend. Well, not STEAL, per se, but he's definitely been hitting on him.)
When you next see Lee, or talk to him (how the HELL do you find these things out? I didn't even know about them!) then please tell him the petition, while sweet, is unnecessary. I'll fund myself through college. (There's also scholarships, and since I'm working at Starbucks and stuff, I've got money. Sasuke-kun has some ridiculous notion, though, that we're going to the same college and he'll pay for me.
I blame myself; he caught me re-reading Eclipse,--by Stephenie Meyer, the author of that AMAZING series Twilight, which I KNOW you secretly love-- asked me about it, and I explained. I was at the part of the colleges and told him. If I catch him reading Twilight, though, I'll be AFRAID. He will probably RIP THAT THING APART AND KILL MY OTP.)
Are they SERIOUSLY still fighting over that Crimson Crayon? You know, I'm going to beat their heads in one of these days.
I DID, IN FACT, SEE THE LATEST EPISODE OF BLEACH, AND FWOAR, ICHIGO! (Also, Ishida is ridiculously hot.)
...wow, poor PH. This girl sounds like a REAL psycho. Haha, Shitamaru. (This gives me more amusement than it should.)
You know, I think I liked it too when you didn't like the guys you slept with either, because then there w--
YOU'VE SLEPT WITH PH?!!!
Subject: Your stupid boyfriend
Alright, fine, your father and I will leave him alone...
But if he tries to make any moves on you, use your pepper spray. I'm serious.
Subject: I already knew this
Yes, I know, Sasuke-kun. I know that she threw herself on you; it was kind of obvious, I mean, since it took you HOW LONG to finally gather up your nerve to kiss me?
What I was upset about was that you didn't even bother to explain it to me on the ride home. It would've been much appreciated, you know. But you explained now (after, what, about a month? ...well, better late than never) so it's cool. Relax.
P.S--Sure, I'd love to.
Subject: (no subject)
Are you mad at me? Oh, please don't be mad! I'm really, REALLY sorry I couldn't come and see you.
Can we be friends, at least?
P.S-- Is it true you're writing a song about me?
So who are we going to see in concert?
It's a surprise.
Well maybe I don't LIKE surprises.
You love surprises. Have patience, Sakura.
Oh yeah? Well, how do YOU know? And I DO have patience; I'm just curious.
Because you told me back in the third grade. I think it was a hint, but I ignored it. And you know what they say: curiosity killed the cat.
...I did? And you IGNORED ME? That's so mean, Sasuke-kun. And don't say that around Ino, she'll think you're talking about Mr. Butters.
Yeah, well, you were annoying back then. Then again, you still are. And who the hell is Mr. Butters? Actually, no, never mind, I don't want to know.
Well gee, THANKS. I want to know something: are we in a relationship?
It sometimes isn't necessarily a BAD thing. And obviously.
It isn't? And what do you mean, OBVIOUSLY?
No, it isn't. And honestly, Sakura, how many OTHER girls do you see me kissing? (Excluding Karin, since I never kissed her back.)
Well, that's true...but, I mean, I just had to make sure, y'know? ...aww, Sasuke-kun, are you holding my hand?!
...shut up, Sakura. Besides, we're here, anyways.
You know, it appears that you might have been right about something. You ARE as cool as you always insisted!
Shitamaru and Chouji say they'll come. Uh. Well, Chouji did, after much begging and whining and bribery. PH mostly just looked annoyed and went back to sleep. But he didn't say NO, so I consider this to be a positive response.
Don't worry about Gaara. He loves being miserable. And you should be pretty flattered about that song, considering how popular it is. See attached for a recording. (I warn you, he gets a little trigger happy on drums and bass guitars.)
Okay, I am very happy for Hinata and Naruto, as well as Tenten and Neji. The two of them should double date. That'd go over reeeeeally well.
Short Notes: I am still kicking Sai's ass, don't worry your pretty little head about that. Hinata tells me that Kiba and Naruto are no longer planning their little elopement, because their girlfriends, (and you) are much braver than they are. I am absolutely NOT a computer nerd. Feel free to talk to Temari, though I'm not sure if she has any idea of who you are. Lee will never listen to a word anyone says against Him And His Cause. Trying to stop him generally just makes things worse. Your obsession with Edward/Bella is unsettling. I laugh at you. I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT ICHIGO AND ISHIDA YOU DORK, I MEANT RUKIA. DUH. (I am exploring my inner lesbian. I know she's there!) Sasuke and Naruto will fight over that crayon until the end of time. It's just how they flirt. (COMPETITION!!!)
And now for the longer stuff, I am doing the job-switch you mentioned, but not on the weekends. For no cause shall I work on the weekends. I just work Tuesdays and Thursdays at Micky D's and Monday-Wednesday-Friday is reserved for Chouji's. YAY!
I am proud of you for sticking up for your man, but feel slightly sorry for Karin. Hoes unite! (I was seriously cheering on your side, I swear.) Now TELL ME about your concert. That is a major step there. I mean. This time it sounds like the two of you are acknowledging it as a DATE rather than just, 'uh yeah I'm going to the movie and you should come too. (five hours later) hey, fancy seeing YOU here!'
And now for BIG BIG BIG news…
I, Ino, master of seduction, have indeed made my latest conquest. HA. HA. HA.
Although there is some argument over who started it. I so CLEARLY was the one to do the confessing and whatnot, while SHITAMARU (I am calling him this now whenever I get annoyed) is getting all huffy and upset and muttering about 'being a man' and still INSISTING that HE was the one who tried to talk to me for a week, was very suave online, and then jumped my bones.
I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT THESE FACTS ARE INCORRECT. I JUMPED HIM. IT WAS NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. HOW DARE HE TRY TO CLAIM ALL OF THE CREDIT?! IT WAS VERY, VERY DIFFICULT, THIS JUMPING. I WAS NERVOUS. IT DOESN'T HAVPPEN VERY OFTEN.
Details aside, I think we are…together. Ish. Chouji always looks really smug when I see him, (maybe because he showed up at PH's apartment carrying all of my stuff The Morning After. I. I just—HOW DID HE KNOW?!)
So…yeah. I hope it works out. I really, really, really, really, really like him. A lot. Don't give me that exasperated look, Sakura, I refuse to say the word LOVE. SHITAMARU gets all smug when I do. Damn him.
(Okay, I don't mind too much since he starts getting kind of frisky as well--which is actually sort of odd considering that two weeks ago, I'd need to drag him into smiling--and then sometimes says it back, which results in happy glows. Until Mr. Butters comes over and tries to bite PH's ear off. Darling cat!)
Oodles and oodles of love—and today's the big day! I'll read your reply at the airport, and text you when we've landed.
Dazzle them, star girl.
P.S. Tell Sasuke to back off. I already called funding you through college.
It's okay. I made a pretty good song out of the deal, so now I can buy that new stereo.
Yeah, let's be friends. And I'll kill your boyfriend if he ever makes you cry. I mean it. I have connections.
Muahaha. That's right, I rock!
Tell Chouji I'll bring a pack of BBQ chips as thanks for coming. PH...well, I don't know what to get him. Though I guess YOU'RE his gift. -snickers-
I listened to the song and...well, I'm not sure my eardrums will ever be the same, but it was a very good song, once you get past the loudness.
I'm happy about the McDonalds, though; what did The Burger King say?
We went to go see Linkin Park; it was AMAZING. Seriously, Mike and Chester ROCK MY WORLD. I ALSO HAVE BIG NEWS:
SASUKE-KUN AND I ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP. HE ACKNOWLEDGED IT! (You know, around the same time last night we were both getting lucky. Except yours was most definitely different from mine. Seriously, Sasuke-kun's not getting laid for a while. Like, maybe on graduation night. Not Senior Prom, since that is so incredibly cliché.)
Also, I am, uhm, sure that you were the Master of Seduction (!) and ensued the whole jumping-of-the-bones. You go, girl, you seme you!
(I cannot BELIEVE I just said that. NEVER AGAIN, INO.)
Also, I think PH probably told Chouji his plans. Guys are weird like that. Or maybe PH has been planning this for a while...?
AHAHAHA, YOU LOVE SHIKAMARU, YOU LOVE SHIKAMARU.
I am so happy, for you, Ino-chan.
Give PH a kiss from me!
P.S-- Sasuke-kun is very grumpy about this, but I made-out with him to make him forget about it, so I think you're safe.
Ino, you aren't supposed to have the phone on during plane flights. We might mess up the signal. If you want to talk to me, walk back to second class.
You answered! And that'd only work if we had a really BIG signal. Ours is little.
Tell me that as we're plummeting down to earth. Why are you nervous?
Because I haven't seen Sakura in almost half a year. What if she thinks I look different? Do I look fat?
You don't look fat. Would she care if you did?
She'd tease me. And then forget about it. I don't know. What am I supposed to say?
How would I know?
Because you're a genius!
Ino, she's your best friend. Why are you so worried?
I don't know. I just am.
She's the girl who kept in touch with you all this time. I don't think it'll be that difficult.
You're right. Thanks.
Alright, I'm doing this on the sly, so don't tell Sakura. How about a compromise? You and I will BOTH fund Sakura through college.
Well, I'm glad, then. I think you're rather good at the drums; do you have any more songs? Or a CD, or something?
Uhm, my boyfriend just so happens to be Uchiha Sasuke. Have you ever heard of him? His father owns the gigantic Uchiha Corp, and whatnot.
But, er, I'll warn him that there is a violent redhead that WILL shed his (meaning Sasuke's, not yours, Gaara) blood should he make me cry.
(And, er, if you ever meet him, don't be surprised if he's mean to you; he gets rather jealous quickly. Plus, I admitted I had a thing for you and was also going to New York to meet you. He was officially Not Happy. Uh, oops?)
Hey, where are you?
YOU'RE DATING THE RUBBER DUCKY GUY?
I think I need to write another song about this. I got dumped for the rubber ducky guy. Never, ever tell my brother this. EVER.
As for my music, thank you. I'm trying to get an agent right now, but I have a few other recordings.
Good luck with your play.
I will agree to this if you agree to call her princess. It only has to be once, but you had better do it.
Have we got a deal?
So, you know that bet I made with you a long, long time ago about Sasuke calling Sakura a princess?
PAY UP, DOG BOY!
(see you in an hour!)
I'm at the airport. We're getting out bags and then taking a cab to your house. The boys are going to be staying with Kiba, since his parents are out of town, and I have decided to crash at yours.
If you say sleep over, I will kill you.
See you soon!
Yes, I am dating the Rubber Ducky Guy. And I'll never mention it to Kankuro if you never mention it EVER. AGAIN.
Well, you have "connections", don't you? So use one of those!
Thanks. Good luck with finding your agent!
NO WAY, HE CALLED SAKURA A PRINCESS?! I have to hear this before I believe it! Anywhere, where are you?
The boys are staying with Kiba? ...I have a foreboding feeling in my gut.
Sure, sure, you'll be crashing (SLEEPING OVER!) my house. Don't forget that your outfit's on my bed. I'm already at the theater, and they're going to put my outfit out now. (Which consists of a corset. I KNOW you'll get vicious pleasure out of that.)
Make sure Chouji and PH dress nicely too, okay?
JULIET : "What's here?... /Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end/O churl! drunk all, and left no friendly drop to help me after? I will kiss thy lips--"
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: "HAH, ABOUT TIME! SNOG HIM, SAKURA! KAY-EYE-ESS-ESS-MURPH."
AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: "Ino, be quiet!"
JULIET: "Haply some poison yet doth hang on them—"
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: "BAH. YOU CALL THAT A KISS?"
(Romeo sits up angrily)
ROMEO: "INO, SHUT THE HELL UP!"
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: "YOU SHUT UP! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!"
(Juliet shoves Romeo back down, wailing something about zombies)
JULIET: "To make die with a restorative./ Thy lips are warm."
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: "Hmnph. She's a lot more convincing when she's extorting favors."
(Juliet 'accidentally' throws fake dagger at audience member one)
JULIET: "Oh, no, no!/ Yea, noise? No! Then I'll be brief. O happy dagger!/ This is thy sheath; there rust, and let me die!"
(Juliet looks around for dagger. Audience Member 1 snickers. Audience Member 2 audibly smacks forehead)
AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: "Give her the dagger, Ino."
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: "But it's kind of cool—hey! They made this out of candy!"
AUDIENCE MEMBER 3: "Ooh, seriously?"
ROMEO: "STOP EATING THE DAGGER!"
JULIET: "SASUKE, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD! STOP YELLING AT EVERYONE!"
ROMEO: "Whatever you say—"
(Romeo glares at Audience Member 1)
JULIET: "…Are you dying?"
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: "HAH!"
AUDIENCE MEMBER 3: "Hey, it tastes like watermelon!"
AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: "That's disgusting. Do you know how many people have held that thing?"
(Juliet seethes, and then stabs herself with a pencil Romeo produces. She slumps over his body, dead.)
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: "WAHAHAHA, WHAT WAS THAT?!"
(cast members take a bow to enthusiastic applause)
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: "You were the worst Juliet I have ever seen."
JULIET: "AS IF THAT WAS MY FAULT!"
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: "Relax. That was the best play I have ever seen."
JULIET: "STOP TRYING TO BUTTER ME UP—really?"
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: "Yep. They're NEVER going to forget this one."
AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: "Because it was a disaster."
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: "Shut up, Shikamaru! You aren't helping our case!"
AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: "Our case?!"
JULIET: "Well, thanks, Ino. You basically destroyed three months work."
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: "Aaaaand?"
JULIET: "…I missed you. Welcome home."
Subject: This is gonna be stupid, but whatever.
So I know that I could just wake you up and tell you this, but I don't feel like it, because one) I fear your wrath, and two) this is kind of how things began this year, so this is kind of how I want it to end.
So we've gone through a lot this year, haven't we, Ino-chan?
I mean, you left, and then you discovered Shikamaru, Chouji, Temari, Gaara, Kankuro, and The Burger King. And now you're with Shikamaru, and I'm with Sasuke-kun.
It all just kind of feels surreal, doesn't it?
But, even so...I'm kind of really happy that you left, Pig. I mean, I'm NOT happy, because you could've been SHOT and you LEFT ME, but I digress. You found love, and you worked out your problems. Not only that but you FINALLY had sex with someone and it actually meant something.
And I'm really, really proud of you.
Uhm, just wanted to say that.
So I think I'll go to sleep now, and I'll see you in the morning, okay?
I love you, Ino-chan. You're my best friend, even if you DO steal my clothes and call me a prude. (Which I am NOT, GODDAMMIT.)
P.S. How about I treat you to breakfast? We can go to McDonalds.
Missa's note: And so there it is. The final chapter of The Essentric Files. (Or as everyone refers to it as, TEF.) I would like to thank everyone who has read this story and reviewed. I thank even the lurkers. (Yes, we know you're there. Thank you!) You all get a virtual hug and some Dove chocolate. (Because that stuff is GOOD, man.) So once again, thank you all for sticking with us through these long months and chapters--you all rock both mine and Ren's world. We are eternally grateful to you guys, and stuff. We love you all!