The Pirate, The Dragon and the Fairy Princess

All right, Bug, come cuddle, there's a sweet little thing. No, no, it's all right, you can come a little bit closer. Yes, I know it's a very large bandage. But don't fret, Bug, Daddy is quite all right. What's that? Oh. Yes, that's true, Mummy does heal quicker, but you know, she's a slayer, and that's a very special thing. Hmmm? Well, yes, watchers are special too, but they are special in a different way, and that means that when they have little scuffles….oh, of course I remember that you don't like to hear that word, don't fret, Bug, I wasn't going to say it, I only mean that when watchers have a little scuffle with a you-know-what, they do have to wear a little bandage…fine, a very large bandage, but all the same, you can cuddle without hurting Daddy. Now, let's have our story, shall we?

Very well. Once upon a time, there was a fairy princess. What's that? More what? Ah, I see. But how do you know there isn't to be any action already? Perhaps the fairy princess gets kidnapped by a pirate? Well, no, that's a fair point, I suppose it does seem like the fairy princess in stories like these gets kidnapped rather often. Very well, the pirate gets kidnapped then. No, no, not by the princess, just because she won't be stupid doesn't mean she's got to be evil, either. Perhaps the pirate gets kidnapped by a…let's see. A demon? A you-know-what? Oh, that's a wonderful suggestion, Bug, a dragon will do very nicely indeed.

Very well, then. We have a pirate, a dragon and a…hmmm? No, he hasn't got a name. Because he hasn't. He just hasn't. Because I haven't thought of one. Because…look, do you want to name him, then? All right. You can…hmmm? Well…no, not that name. Well, I should think it would be obvious, Bug, the dragon dies, doesn't he, at the hands of the heroic fairy princess? Well, I shan't be able to tell that part if he's got your brother's name. Can you…what's that? Oh, well of course the fairy princess will be named after you, but she doesn't die, does she? Right, so…what's what? No. No, I think not. How about…well no, I suppose you're right and there isn't any reason he couldn't have that name. All right, Bug. Once upon a time, there was a fairy princess. And there was…are we still having a pirate? Wonderful. There was a pirate. And there was a dragon, and his name was Jayden McDroopypants, and now I feel a little ridiculous, but…no, don't fret, I'll still tell it, I just feel rather as though we could have come up with something a tiny bit more sensible, as far as the…hmmm? No, you're right, I suppose, if I had cared so much what we called him, I really should have bothered to think up a name myself.

Where were we? Right. So, there was a pirate, and he was the most terrible pirate in all the land. And one day, he…what's that? But I thought you didn't want to have one of those in there. You…hmmm? Well, that's true, I suppose, the princess does become a little more heroic if she rescues the innocent from one of those. But…wasn't she rescuing the pirate? Ah, I see. Very well, there can be a puppy in the story as well. So, the pirate gets bitten by the you-know-what, then he kidnaps the puppy, and the fairy princess has to save him? All right…but where exactly does the dragon enter in?

Ah, I see. So, he's a friendly dragon, is he? And he belongs to the fairy princess? Very well. In the land, there was also a fairy princess, and she had a beautiful dragon named…hmmm? Oh, yes, I suppose I really must include that bit. In the land, there was a 'brave and very, very beautiful' fairy princess. And…hmmm? Oh, well that's a lovely thought, Bug, but pretend fairy princesses do not have to be up for ballet lessons in the morning, so let's leave the hot cocoa to the fairy princess of the story, and not to the one in bed with me right now, all right? There's a good little darling, now, where were we?

Ah, yes. The fairy princess was a great lover of animals, and had a large menagerie at the palace, which featured the dragon, Jayden McDroopypants, and also a…hmmm? No, Bug, I rather think not, it's getting crowded enough in there already. But…what's that? Oh, that part, I'll give you. The fairy princess also had a beautiful mother with flowing blonde hair and a lovely smile and a large collection of ceremonial weapons with which she was extremely proficient. And she had an adoring father who loved her to bits and enjoyed taking her to museums and telling her stories and going with her to ballet lessons. The beautiful fairy princess also had an older brother who was perfectly average and not at all evil in spite of the fairy princess sometimes claiming to the contrary, and that little but of editorial meddling is what you get, my little ladybug, for trying yet again to sneak that in. And…hmmm? Yes, I realize you first suggested that he be the dragon, but the dragon was, at the time, evil, was he not? Exactly. Now, there will be no further attempts to get your brother in unless he's some sort of heroic warrior thing who saves the puppy, you hear?

Onward, then. So, the fairy princess. She…hmmm? Oh, you don't want puppies now, if he's to be the one that saves them? Well, what, then? The Pirate You-Know-What needs someone to imperil, doesn't he? Oh, the dragon? But he breathes fires, doesn't he? So that would make rather handy work of the Pirate You-Know-What? Oh, I see. So he was just a regular pirate, was he? Well, where does the you-know-what come in? Ah. All right, shall I try it again, now? So, once upon a time, there was a friendly pirate, and he was bestest friends of all with a beautiful dancing fairy princess. One sad day, the pirate gets kidnapped by a terrible you-know-what. So the princess…how does she find them, Bug? She…oh, that's lovely, yes, I do like that part. She consults with her wise and all-knowing father who happens to be a skilled sorcerer, and he tells her that the pirate has been taken to the hideaway of the Evil You-Know-What, deep in the mountains of magic fairy land. So the brave princess sets out on a quest, and she…hmmm? Oh, I suppose you're right, she would need to do that, wouldn't she? Very well. She appeals to her mother, the brave and beautiful evil-things-slayer, who trains her in the use of stakes, crosses and ceremonial weapons. Then she packs up her bag and sets off with her abysmally named dragon, Jayden McDroopypants. And she finds the you-know-what, doesn't she? And she slays him. And she rescues the pirate and takes him back to fairy land with her. And they have many adventures together, which we shall save for another night because this fairy princess, right here, has to be up early for ballet, does she not?

Oh, very well. One more, all right, but it shall have to be a short one. How shall it begin?

Really? Are you sure?

Very well.

Once upon a time, there was a pirate, a dragon and a fairy princess.