Disclaimer: I own nothing…

Summary: Sometimes when she looks at him, when she thinks about their relationship, she sees Booth.

Rating: PG-13

Author's Notes: So, I forgot to post this forever ago… It was meant to be an entry for the February CBPC, but again, I couldn't quite manage the first person, so it is what it is. Hopefully it's not too bad. Frankly, I don't think it's very good, but I'll probably never go back to it, so I'm posting it as is. Hope you like it!

And if anybody's waiting for more on 'Shortly Before The End', 'Friend Or Foe', or 'Through The Iris', I swear I'm still working on them, I've just been crazy busy… I have two 10-15 page papers due by the end of the semester and they're killing me (thank god one of them is on Bones, otherwise I'd never get through it)… But anyway, I promise I haven't forgotten them and I have been working on them little by little, so hopefully I'll have more on one of them (probably 'Shortly Before The End) soon…


Musings On Love:


Sometimes when she looks at him, when she thinks about their relationship, she sees Booth. The partner she had once believed might be the only man who could ever manage to love her…

And now, when she looks at Sully, she sees the same. A man who cares for her more than his own life. A man willing to do anything to protect her… A man who loves her.

But it isn't his love that she wants.

Which is funny, because she does not believe herself capable of love. She does not believe that it is something that she wants. Could ever want.

A relationship, sure. Someone to satisfy her needs. Both biological and emotional. Someone to talk with. Someone intelligent enough in her own expertise to hold a meaningful conversation in the area.

Booth cannot offer that. Sully can.

And yet, it is always Booth who invades her mind.

It is especially bad when they are making love… Not when they're having sex, no, she can handle that… It's when Sully insists that he wants to make love to her. When suddenly it's more than just sex. When he takes it slow and gentle and whispers promises of love and forever in her ear…

It is in those moments that she has to fight to keep herself quiet.

Because if she makes even the slightest articulation, she knows it will not be Sully's name on her lips.

And that scares her. It scares her because she has never known herself to desire someone so completely. To want to be loved. Because love is irrational, and it is something she simply cannot bring herself to accept as real… And yet she wants it, so desperately…

And not from just anyone.

She wants to be loved by Seeley Booth. Her partner, her friend… Her match.

At first, she had tried to convince herself that it was simply lust. That spending so much time in such close proximity to him, especially after their Vegas trip (which she uses as an excuse to herself far more often that she ought to), had awakened a curiosity in her to know what it would feel like to be with him sexually. That it was simply a normal reaction to being so close to an attractive male…

And yet, more and more often she finds herself feeding her hunger with fantasies of him. And not the type of fantasies that lead only to sexual gratification. In her mind it could never be just sex. Not anymore… Instead, when she sees the two of them in her mind's eye, she sees only tenderness and love…

And it is easiest to imagine him when she is in Sully's arms and he is making love to her. All she has to do is let her eyes slid shut and suddenly it is not Sully at all, but the man she truly wants in her arms. In her mind, she can see him above her, touching her gently, kissing her softly… Loving her.

And when she comes apart in his arms, it is never Sully's face that she sees behind her closed lids. Never.

And when she hears the whispered "I love you" that seems to come at the end of every lovemaking session, she does not hear Sully's voice…

And it makes her feel guilty. Because Sully is a good man and he deserves to be with someone who can return the sentiment, and she knows she will never be capable of that…

But she is beginning to realize that this incapability is not the result of any disbelief in the existence of love…

Because she knows that, were it truly Booth she was with, the "I love you" would flow freely and naturally…

Even though she does not believe in love.