I don't own it…blah blah blah.. someone much more talented does.
Done in a dark moment of thought and this is how I was able to express it.
I stare at the shiny weapon in my hand. It's a useless contraption without the hand.
Why can't I pull the trigger? Is it because I'm scared? No I've used this gun numerous times. I know how lethal it is. I've slaughtered thousands. Just I can't pull the trigger.
It's a simple thing to do. Load and close the chamber. Unlock the safety. Cock the hammer back to strike the primed shell. Pull the trigger and bang.
I've held to my own head any number of times yet I just can't pull that stupid fucking trigger.
I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere. I long for the peace of nothingness. Still I hesitate in the one way that will assure that goal is achieved.
How many times have I almost died on this mission? Those times mean nothing. I want to die on my own time. I will take my destiny in my own hands. No piece of scum has the right to end my life. That is my decision and mine alone.
I can feel the cold metal pressed against my temple. The smell of gunpowder and cleaner heavy in the air. It tickles my nose. I feel the tension as the trigger is pulled back…and I stop unable to complete the simple movement.
So damn close. Maybe this next time.
Lock and load. Ready to go. Hammer back. Pressed tightly to my head. Finger twitching on the trigger.
Just as I press the trigger the gun is jerked violently out of my hand. "What the fuck do you think you're doing Sanzo?
I stare at him stupidly. Damn so close that time. I hear the click as the hammer is eased back to closed.
"Just leave me alone" I mumble flatly.
Strong hands lift my face to meet crimson eyes. "Sanzo…why?"
"Go away." I can't look him in the eyes and lower my head.
"Not a chance. I'm not gonna leave you alone so you can try that dumbass stunt again." His strong arms wrap around me. Holding me close.
I can feel it start way down deep inside me. Tears fill my eyes and spill down my cheeks.
He places a light kiss on the chakra mark on my forehead. Then my eyes. Then cheeks. And lastly lips.
All of my pent up pain flows out and he continues to hold me in a gentle embrace.
Finally spent, out of tears and exhausted my head rolls listlessly to his shoulder. He swipes at a few remaining remnants of tears. Whispering in my ear.
"I'm right here Sanzo, I'm not going to leave you."
I'm a useless rag doll as he carries me to my bed. He curls himself around me and holds me close once more.
My heart feels a bit lighter as I fall asleep is his strong arms.
Stupid kappa, my Gojyo.