If I owned One Piece, would I be writing fanfic? I think not...
Chapter 1 – The Switch
Sanji stood at the railing, watching the waves roll past as he smoked his last cigarette of the evening. What a peaceful night, the cook thought, content with the world. He flicked the remnant of his cigarette overboard and, hands in pockets, sauntered off towards his quarters for a well-earned rest.
Unfortunately for him, the wind changed at exactly the wrong moment, and sent his still smouldering butt flying back over the ship to land on the bare arm of a sleeping Roronoa Zolo, the ship's swordsman. Zolo woke with a yell and jumped to his feet, a sword half-drawn. Looking down at his arm, he saw the burn, then saw the cigarette butt by his feet. His expression darkened, and he immediately spun to look for the only smoker on board.
"Sanji, you bastard!" he swore, stopping the cook in his tracks. "What the hell was that for?"
"You're still dreaming, cabbage head," Sanji said smoothly, turning away. "I haven't done anything."
Ignoring his words and focusing on the contempt in his voice, Zolo lost his temper and charged at the cook, drawing two swords as he went. Sanji snorted, and ducking, swept Zolo's legs out from under him, sending him crashing to the deck.
"Shitty swordsman. I was happy until you woke up. How about I put you back to sleep?" Sanji remarked, and moved in to knock Zolo out. Zolo blocked his strike and swung at Sanji's supporting leg, causing the off-balance blond to stumble back to avoid the blow.
"You're the one who should be asleep. Then your foul cigarettes wouldn't leave burn marks on me!" Zolo hissed, and struck again.
The brawl continued for a while with neither side gaining the advantage, until the clouds that had covered the sky all day split to reveal a reddened moon. Its light sprang forth and illuminated the two combatants below, who froze.
"What the…" Zolo began, but got no further. Incredible heaviness struck his eyes, and he suddenly felt tired beyond belief. "We'll finish this later," he mumbled, and staggered to his usual napping spot. The world began to go black as a thud told him he had hit the deck, and Zolo knew no more.
"Hey, Sanji! Wake up! I want some meat!" Zolo heard Luffy say.
Typical. Worry about the damn love cook before me, he thought drowsily. I guess the same thing happened to him, then. Wait a minute. What did happen?
He opened one eye, and was surprised to find Luffy's face in his. "Yay, he's awake!" Luffy cheered. "Meat!"
What the hell are you talking about, Luffy? Go find Eyebrow and bug him for meat, Zolo thought irritably, and closed his eye again.
"Sanji!" Luffy whined. "Come on!"
Suddenly, Zolo found himself picked up and carried at top speed into the kitchen, where he was dumped in front of the stove. "Luffy, what the…" he growled, then stopped in shock. What had happened to his voice?
He looked down at himself, and screamed.
Sanji opened his eyes groggily, and moaned. Why did he feel so lousy? He hadn't been drinking last night, yet he felt like he had the biggest hangover of his life. The bright sunlight hitting his face was too much, and he lunged for the rail and emptied his stomach over it. He lay there, panting and hanging over the rail, until he heard footsteps.
"Had a little too much last night, eh?" Usopp said with a chuckle. "I never thought I'd see you lose control like that. Since when does booze affect you?"
Sanji felt like telling him to shut up, but he also felt that opening his mouth at the moment would be a bad idea.
"We all thought you had alcohol for blood," Usopp continued, "even though Nami thinks it's impossible. But she also says that drinking as much alcohol as you do should have killed you already, so there you go."
Sanji glared at him, wondering absently why he could see with both eyes. Instantly, Usopp backed away, holding his hands in front of him. "S-sorry, Zolo. You know I didn't mean any of it, right?"
Sanji opened his mouth to ask what Usopp meant by calling him Zolo, when he heard his own scream coming from the kitchen.
"Calm down, Sanji, calm down!" Luffy said frantically, trying to escape.
"Stop calling me by that damn cook's name!" yelled the cook, shaking him harder. "What the hell happened to me?"
"What's going on in here?" screamed Nami, entering the kitchen. "How am I supposed to get any sleep?"
To her surprise, instead of immediately apologising to her and his visible eye becoming a heart, Sanji turned to her and shouted angrily, "Tell this moron that I'm not the cook!"
Nami was saved from answering this when Zolo burst into the kitchen. "Get out of my kitchen, you bastard!" he shouted, then noticed Nami. "And stop upsetting my precious Nami with your noise!"
He strode over and kicked Sanji, who dropped Luffy and picked up a kitchen knife. The two of them began to fight, Zolo kicking and Sanji with a knife, watched by a bewildered Nami, Luffy and Usopp, who had followed Zolo into the kitchen.
"What is going on here?" Nami asked faintly, watching the scene before her with wide eyes.
A short time later, Zolo and Sanji lay sprawled on the kitchen floor, where Luffy's fists had knocked them down.
"Now we can start figuring out what's going on," Nami said in satisfaction as Zolo began to stir.
He sat up and groaned, his head between his hands. "I feel like Zeff just kicked me through a wall," he groaned, then stiffened in shock. He looked up at his crewmates. "Why do I sound like that shitty swordsman?"
"Because you stole my body, bastard," muttered Sanji, using his elbow to help him sit up. "Ugh. How can you stand having this hair in the way all the time?"
"Are you two trying to tell us that you've switched bodies?" Nami asked incredulously, staring at first one, then the other.
Luffy burst out laughing. "Cool!" he exclaimed. "Zolo is Sanji, and Sanji is Zolo!"
"It's not cool at all, you idiot!" shouted Sanji, and punched Luffy out of the room. This, more than anything else, convinced Nami and Usopp that they weren't lying. Sanji would never fight with his hands and risk damaging them. A cook was nothing without his hands.
"How did this happen?" Usopp asked. Nami said nothing, a mischievous glint coming into her eye. This could be interesting…
"So, you think that the red moonlight switched you?" Nami asked, looking thoughtful.
Zolo remained silent, watching her cautiously through Sanji's eye. He knew that look, and knew that it meant trouble.
"That's right, my sweet," Sanji gushed. "I can't believe how incredibly smart you are!"
"You know," Luffy said suddenly, "that sounds kind of familiar."
Everyone turned to stare at the captain. "What do you mean, 'familiar'?" Nami asked.
"Well, when I was little, Captain Shanks used to tell me stories, and one day, he told me about two guys who were always fighting. When they got touched by red moonlight, they switched bodies, and couldn't switch back until they… until they… Hmm, I don't remember that bit. I just remember the story because Shanks said that the moon looked like it was made of meat!" Luffy laughed.
The rest of the crew just groaned.