Disclaimer: Naruto is not my toy, although sometimes I wish it was. Everyone you meet here belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, I just borrow them, occasionally.

Author's Note: I'd like to blame this on stripesim who wrote a similar crackfic involving FMA's Ed and Roy. It was such a brilliant idea that I had to scarper off with it and write one with Genma and Hayate. Mine, however, got badly out of hand.

Warnings: Yaoi, expletives, crackfic, coughing, bodily fluids... PRETTY DAMNED EXPLICIT. If you are inclined to be upset at vivid descriptions of fellatio, this is NOT the fic for you. You have been warned. Any bitching about it will be summarily ignored.


Hayate glared up at Genma, and pulled the blanket up to just under his eyes. "Fuck off, Genma. I'm not drinking that--" cough "-- crap. Do you have any idea what --" cough "-- that tastes like?"

Genma covered the smile that tried to creep across his face by rolling the senbon from one corner of his mouth to the other. "'Course I don't. Unlike some people I know, I actually take care of myself."

If looks could kill, Genma would have been a corpse. As it was, he was starting to wonder if Hayate wasn't developing some new eye-jutsu with which to kill him, later. "When I get out --" cough "--of this bed, you bastard --" cough "-- I'm going to kill you."

Ah. There was the expected death threat.

"Aww, but Hayate, if you kill me, who will be left to keep you entertained when you can't get out of bed?" Genma made his sad puppy face -- he was totally taunting the kid.

Hayate gritted his teeth so loudly that the neighbours could probably hear him. "I met this nice ANBU girl. I'm sure I could teach her to suck cock."

"Hn. I'm so unloved." Genma draped the hand that wasn't holding the cough syrup backward across his forehead. "You wouldn't even miss the rest of the package, would you? Ah, no, you'd just try to replace the best blowjobs in all of Konoha with some amateur."

"Best blowjobs in all of --" cough "-- Konoha?" Hayate pulled the blanket off his face and struggled to sit up. There was a sound like a sheet of bubblewrap as he tilted his head to the side, popping his neck. "Is that a --" cough "-- challenge?"

Genma rolled the senbon to the other side of his mouth as pure lechery supplanted his normal lazy amusement. "It might be. Are you sure you're up for it in your current delicate condition?"

Hayate snorted, then reached out and grabbed Genma by the waistband of his pants, pulling him the last few steps to the bed. "Maybe I just need a good --" cough "-- throat-swabbing to clear --" cough "-- all this crap out. If nothing else, you'll --" cough "-- taste better than the cough syrup."

Genma stumbled forward at the unexpected pull on his pants. "Maa... are you sure I'm not going to catch something if I fuck the snot out of your face?"

"Serve you right --" cough "-- if you did, bastard," Hayate grumbled, spitting into the trashcan beside the bed. He began working on Genma's zipper, and every joint in his fingers popped. "Besides, it isn't snot if --" cough "-- it's not in the nose. You'll have to settle for phlegm."

"Phlegm, huh? I don't think I've ever before been corrected on my categorisation of mucus." He watched Hayate's hands work on his pants for a moment, before tilting the younger man's face up and kissing him full on the lips. "Mmm, my favourite little walking biohazard."

Hayate twisted his face to the side just in time to avoid coughing straight into Genma's face, instead hacking his contagion into the other man's hair. He mumbled a half-hearted apology as he disgorged an enormous wad of phlegmy expectorate into the trashcan, and then reached up with one hand to wipe the spit out of his friend's hair. Genma stroked his face lightly, with mild concern, as he stood back up, and Hayate leaned forward, past the hand, to rest his forehead against the top of Genma's pants. "'m alright. It's just a bit of a cough. Think I knocked my head loose with that last one, though."

Genma slid the senbon back into his mouth to avoid saying anything. He rested one hand on the back of Hayate's head and ruffled the younger man's hair, affectionately. One of these days, the kid was going to cough up his spleen, or something, and Genma kept hoping that day was far in the future. Couldn't let this become too touching of a moment, though, or they'd both have too much time to brood. "Funny, I figured your head was on loose from the first time you ever kissed me."

The coughing seemed to have slowed down, and Genma didn't seem too concerned, so Hayate returned to what he'd meant to be doing before he'd gotten distracted. He rubbed his face against Genma's already open fly, parting the fabric so that he could get to what lay behind it. Genma had given up on underwear years ago, and Hayate had nothing further in his way as he claimed Genma's still soft cock with his lips. "Baftard," he slurred around his prize, with a small satisfied hum, "Fud let 'ou fee if 'ou can do thif to 'ourfelf."

The motions of Hayate's tongue as the sickly man cursed him were enough to gather all of Genma's attention. He gasped, nearly dropping the senbon, and tightened his fingers in Hayate's hair. Feeling the blood rush out of his head to power what his body firmly believed was a more vital process, he cursed himself for allowing himself to get dragged into this while still standing. The cough syrup slipped from his fingers, forgotten.

Hayate allowed himself a small smile at the surprised sound that escaped Genma. Then he sealed his lips and began to suck -- short pulls as he rocked back and forth, and the occasional swallow, just to make things interesting. He could feel Genma's pulse quickening as the latter's cock swelled between his lips. Another satisfied sound echoed inside his mouth -- Genma probably hadn't heard it, but he had certainly felt it. Hayate flattened his tongue to avoid being choked by the unexpected thrust and then reached out to grab Genma's hips in both hands. The standing man was about to need the extra support. Hayate rolled his tongue against the underside of Genma's cock -- it was the rippling motion one used to get the last drops from a honey straw, and it was the one thing he knew that Genma truly loved.

The world took a dizzying spin and Genma's legs shook as his knees struggled to remain knees, instead of turning into jelly. He gurgled inarticulately in an attempt to plead for mercy, which was summarily denied as Hayate's hands moved back to cup his ass. Genma moved his own hands to Hayate's shoulders, in a last ditch effort to keep his balance, just in time. Hayate leaned all the way forward, bumping his nose against Genma's belly. Genma felt the sudden constrictions around the head of his cock as Hayate swallowed once and gagged twice before pulling back to roll his tongue again. Genma nearly bit through his senbon.

The sound of teeth meeting metal made Hayate giggle in the back of his throat. He counted them both lucky that he was a shinobi, or he'd have a dislocated shoulder and Genma would be lying on the floor, by now. He really should have let Genma lay down, first, but it was too late for things like that, now. He sucked hard, using his tongue to add to the pressure, and leaned back until he held just the tip between his lips. He licked and kissed just that little bit for a while, to give Genma time to find his knees again, before again swallowing him whole. This time, he held Genma firmly in place as he gagged and swallowed again and again, relying on his ninja skills and concentration to keep himself breathing as his throat continued to rebel.

This was too much. Genma looked down at Hayate's calm mask of concentration, tears leaking down his cheeks as his throat twitched from the force of the gagging. He could feel Hayate's breath passing over the head of his cock, where it was trapped in the younger man's throat. And he could feel the desperate rhythm of that throat trying to reject him as Hayate calmly held him in and kept sucking. A thin whine escaped his throat, and the world went white.

Hayate stilled even his throat as Genma tensed. The last thing he needed to do was move in an unexpected fashion. He rolled his tongue once and then again as the thin trickle of sound from Genma's mouth turned into incoherent pleading howls. He held his breath and gagged three times as Genma's cock slammed further into his throat and the pulsing release began. His throat's last effort was the one he would most have liked to prevent. Suddenly, everything was at the wrong angle.

Genma's mind cleared slowly, a soft haze hanging over everything he tried to comprehend. He looked down to where his fingers were tangled in Hayate's hair, and traced the lines forward to the look of patent annoyance on the latter's face. Annoyance? That's not... He looked again, this time noticing the white trickle pouring from Hayate's left nostril. He wasn't quite quick enough to suppress a shocked guffaw, and was chastised with a small nip on the head of his cock as Hayate pulled back from him.

"Hn. I hope you're ready to do that again in two hours. And with less missing, next time." Hayate grabbed a tissue from the bedside table and blew his nose. "It is better than cough syrup. When you can aim."