Disclaimer: I do not own any Naruto character in this fanfic, but I do own Sasuke's diary (since I'm writing it)


a/n: This idea has been in my head for a long time. I typed up half of it a while ago, then finished the rest some number of days earlier. All my friends found this hilarious. I hope all you readers find this just as hilarious and laugh your butts off -

Sasuke's Diary

Chapter 1

It had been 2 and a half years since Sasuke went with Orochimaru. Naruto and Sakura were 15 years old, and Tsunade had given them a mission. We have discovered a small house in the woods. Sasuke's home. Search Sasuke's house, she had said. See if anything there can give us a clue to Sasuke's whereabouts. If not, then see if they will reveal the whereabouts of Itachi Uchiha. Bring back any valuable information.

XxX xXx XxX

Sakura was checking out the living room as Naruto opened the door to Sasuke's room and cautiously peered inside. It was as messy as his place. This shocked him. The infamous Uchiha's as messy and disorganized as I am, Naruto thought with a grin on his face. "And he used to annoy me about being messy," he muttered to himself. He started to poke around in Sasuke's drawers and under his bed.

That's where he found something very interesting. A small, thick, blue book with the words Sasuke's Diary embedded on the front in gold. "Sakura-chan, look what I found!" Naruto shouted excitedly. Sakura ran into the room and said, "Naruto, if this is some stupid—OH MY GOD, IS THAT SASUKE-KUN'S D-D-D-DIARY?!" Sakura grabbed the diary and held it against her chest. "Finally, the proof that I need to prove that Sasuke-kun loves me as much I love him!" Sakura exclaimed.

Naruto snatched the diary away from Sakura. "Hey!" Sakura cried out. "I wanna read it too!" Naruto argued. Then he opened the diary to the first page and he and Sakura began to read.

Dear Diary,

So you're a diary. Interesting. Now, what am I supposed to with you? Tell you my biggest secret? Ok. My biggest secret is…HA! I'M NOT TELLING YOU! YOU CAN'T FOOL ME, DAMN DIARY! Okay, fine, I'll tell you my biggest secret. My biggest secret is…that I don't have a biggest secret. There. I told you! Happy now, you dumb diary?! Happy that you made me cry?! Yea, I thought so. I am NOT, and I repeat, NOT getting emotional. Okay, maybe a little…

Hey, I just figured out that you can't talk. So that means that I can share all my secrets with you! I'm so happy! Look what you did now, you made me cry again! But this time, I'm happy. Okay, I have to confess something. I AM AN EMO! Yes, you heard me. I mean read me. I mean…hmm…what do I mean? Oh forget it. I forgot. But you can't talk, so I don't gotta explain nothing to you.

You wanna know my favorite song? It's My Humps by the Black Eyed Peas. "My humps, my humps, my humps, my humps! My humps, my humps, my humps! My lovely manly lumps! Check it out!"

I couldn't say "lady lumps" 'cause I'm not a lady. Or am I… And my favorite T.V. show is that new one called "Search for the Next Doll". The Pussy Cat Dolls are trying to find a new girl for their group. I wish I entered. I would have so totally won. Don't you think so? Thanks for agreeing. Great! You made me cry again!

I gotta go. I think Naruto's trying to blow up my house with that new jutsu of his called the "Blow Up—I Mean Fix Sasuke's House no Jutsu". I'm afraid of the results, so I gotta stop him. And my nails aren't done yet! I can't die before my nails dry!

Your Worst Nightmare,

Sasuke Uchiha

I wonder if I spelled my name right.

Sakura twitched. Naruto felt as horrified and disgusted as she looked. "Okay..." Naruto said slowly. "That was…uh…interesting." Sakura just twitched some more, then put her hands on her head and yelled out, "YAAAAAAAAAAAAA! THIS IS NOT MY SASUKE-KUN! THIS CAN'T BE MY SASUKE-KUN!"

Naruto just stared at her for a while as he felt his senses coming back to him, then replied, "Sorry, Sakura-chan. This, unfortunately, is Sasuke. Of course, if you don't want to read anymore, I could just—" Naruto never got to finish his sentence because Sakura had just screamed out at the top of her lungs, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CONTINUE, DAMN IT, CONTINUE!"

Naruto, who was starting to get very scared of Sakura, flipped the page and they both started to read the next entry.

Dear Diary,

Sorry I haven't been writing in you for a while now. I was sent on a mission with my stupid team. So…what's up? I guess I should introduce myself to you. My name is Sasuke Uchiha. Who're you? Hello? Why aren't you answering? MEANIE! YOU GOD DAMN DIARY! WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU ANSWERING ME? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Oh well. Wanna know something? I went on this mission with my stupid team. Did I say that already? Nah. Well, we were supposed to protect this old guy, then he was attacked by an eyebrowless freak called Zabuza and his boyfriend Haku. Man, was Zabuza UGLY! But that Haku guy had this really pretty nail polish. I was gonna ask him where he got it from, and then my perverted sensei, Kakashi-sensei, goes and kills him. I mean, what is up with that?

You know what? I have such beautiful green hair, but today, that fool, Sakura, insulted me by saying that my raven black hair was gorgeous! Is she color blind or something?! Everyone knows my hair is green! That ugly Sakura reminds me of boogers and vomit. Damn, she's annoying! I wish she'd get smashed by an evil hotdog or something.

When I was little, I wanted to be a butterfly, but for some strange reason, my parents told me that would never happen. Those evil bastards, may they rest in peace, ruined my childhood dreams! I could've grown up to be a big, beautiful, colorful butterfly, but noooooo, they wouldn't let me. If they let Itachi be a ferret, then why couldn't they let me be a butterfly? I guess I'll never know.

You know that song I'm Too Sexy? It's was made for me! I mean, look at me!

I am so damn sexy! And that Kakashi thinks the song was made for him 'cause he thinks he's sexy. That dumbass. He doesn't know sexy when it's right under his nose! Hell yea, I am SO sexy! Like, whatever. I have a date with the bathtub, so I'm gonna get going now. Chow.

The Sexiest Guy In The World,

Sasuke Uchiha

Did I spell that right?

Sakura twitched again. This was scaring her just as much as it was scaring Naruto. Then she screamed. "Sasuke-kun thinks I'm a FOOL?! OH, WE'LL SEE WHO'S THE FOOL!" she cried. "Calm down, Sakura-chan!" Naruto said. They were starting to get sick. But they took it like a man (Sakura smacks author and makes her write "and Sakura took it like a woman") and Sakura took it like a woman, and turned the page. Naruto winced as he and Sakura began reading the next horrible entry.

Dear Diary,

The Chuunin exam just started. I had to keep hiding in the bushes to actually get a chance to write in you. To tell you the truth, I think Kiba's dog peed on me. I wish this stupid thing would end already. I gotta do my nails! They're really unpretty. I gotta find some nail polish!

Oh yea, I met this guy named Gaara. He also has no eyebrows and wears mascara. I wonder if he has any nail polish. Oh no! I think I see Naruto! I think he's gonna pee in the bush I'm in! Bye!

Your Master,

Sasika Achuhi

Okay, I know I spelled it wrong this time

Naruto looked back at Sakura. She was speechless. And Naruto felt really embarrassed about him peeing in the bush thing. With no more distorted faces to make, he just turned the page and he and Sakura read.

Dear Diary,

I met Orochimaru today. He bit me. Strange. I wonder if he's gay. He's some freaky snake dude. He had this really ugly disguise, and when his fake face peeled off, I was flabbergasted. IT WAS MICHAEL JACKSON! I screamed so hard that I almost died. And then I noticed his nails. They were so perfect! So I waltzed up to him and took his hand and studied the beautiful blue nails with rainbows on them. I was taken back in awe.

After Michael Jackson bit me, I realized that my name was Sasuke Uchiha and a couple of hours later, I realized that I was bitten by a snake. Everyone says I'm slow. I wonder why. I realize things so fast! Michael Jackson's nail polish was so awesome! I was gonna ask him where he got it from, but that moron, Naruto, decided to start beating him up, so I couldn't.

After that, I think he said something about raping me, and then left. I was

scared. I was in pain, and that ugly pink thing came up to me and asked if I was okay. It started to hug me so hard that I started to suffocate. It's like a freakin' pink leech! When I finally pried it off me, it just hugged me again, as if it wanted me to die or something.

A few hours later, or was it days, we got the second scroll that we needed and went to the tower. Then, since we passed, we were gonna take the Chuunin exams. Wait. I thought this was the Chuunin exams! Maybe it's the Genin exams. Who knows?

I thought I just saw a ferret. Damn ferrets. They remind me of Itachi. Anyways, I learned some shocking things that day. Here they are:

1. Haku wasn't Zabuza's boyfriend. Gasp! I was wrong?!

2. Milk doesn't come from gallons. It comes from cows. How much sense does that make?

3. This one isn't shocking…My hair is definitely green. I asked some blind guy if he agreed with me and he did. So there, Sakura, you hideous thing. My beautiful green hair…I wear it with pride! It's so green!

4. Gaara has more mascara than me! This is an outrage! I will kill him! His ugly face doesn't deserve to be caressed by the gentle touch of mascara!

5. I want to give Neji a wedgie. Hey, that rhymes. Neji. Wedgie. I don't know why I want to do this. I just do.

6. The last thing I learned is that I learned five shocking things that day. Neji really deserves a wedgie. He's a blind girl. Hmmm… I wonder if he's the blind person I was talking to about my hair…Nah. Of course not. That person was a guy. Neji's a girl.

Hey. Someone's online. Time for me to instant message!

TTYL Get it diary? I'm gonna go instant message and I said bye to you in an instant message-y way.

I just laughed for 30 minutes straight. Damn, I crack myself up. Hmmm…crack. That reminds me. The other day, Kiba said I must've been on crack when I tried to commit suicide by jumping off the bottom stair of the staircase onto the floor. That was a good height to die at, wasn't it? But for some reason, I didn't. I fell flat on my face, then a couple of people stepped on me. I hate them all.

Well, see ya.

With all my love and green hair,

Sasuke Uchiha

I'm pretty sure that's the right spelling

"That was…"Naruto started, but couldn't find the words. Sakura was frozen, unblinking and lifeless.

"Sakura?"

"M-My Sasuke-kun thinks I look like a booger?" Sakura slowly turned her head towards the window and looked out at the sunset. "H-He thinks that milk comes from gallons…and-and he tried to commit suicide by jumping off the bottom stair of a staircase…and he doesn't have a sense of humor…"

"You know, Sakura," Naruto said to Sakura, "I don't know what you ever saw in

that guy. I mean, I used to think that he was cool, but after reading this, I—don't even have words for how much this weirds me out." Naruto turned to Sakura. "Really, what did you see in him? I think that I would've—"

Sakura looked irritated. "Seriously, Naruto, if you're trying to hit on me again…" Naruto looked surprised. "Hitting on you? But I have a girlfriend! Did you forget Hinata already?

That's right, thought Sakura miserably. Hinata. Even Naruto has a girlfriend. And I still have no one...

The movement of a bookcase interrupted the kunoichi's thoughts. She looked toward the sound and saw Naruto kneeling behind a small bookcase. "Naruto, what are you—" Sakura started, but just then Naruto shouted, "Get out of the house! Now!"

Naruto and Sakura exited the home of the Uchiha just as it exploded. Sakura had grabbed his diary. The two ninja covered their faces with their arms as pieces of wood scattered throughout the forest. The house was set ablaze. Startled, Sakura turned to the blond ninja and gasped, "Naruto, What happened?!"

"I found exploding notes behind the bookcase. Someone or something didn't want us to search Sasuke's house."

"There were exploding notes?!" Sakura cried out. "It's a good thing you saw them, then."

"Something was inside that place. But we were so busy reading that diary! Crap," Naruto muttered. "Let's go back. There's nothing left for us to do here." Sakura nodded in agreement and followed him back to the village, clutching the diary.

Something was in that house, Naruto thought. And someone didn't want us to find out. Sasuke, if you were the one who put those exploding notes there, I'll kill you. You could've killed me and Sakura.

XxX xXx XxX

After getting back to Konoha and reporting to Tsunade, Naruto and Sakura went to Ichiraku Ramen. "Um, Naruto?" Sakura asked. "What?" replied Naruto, his face stuffed with ramen. Sakura took out Sasuke's diary. Naruto gasped.

"How did you get that?"

"I took it with me when we ran out of Sasuke's house."

"Sweet! Now we can read more!" Naruto said enthusiastically. Then, after remembering some of the things he and Sakura had already read, he added, "If we don't barf before finishing." Sakura laughed and opened the diary to the next entry and they started to read.


a/n: That's it! Hope you enjoyed my first chapter. I'll be updating as quickly as I can. The diary entries will be continued in the next chapter. I've had this idea in my head for a while, now. Now, if you don't mind clicking that little bluish/purplish button down in the corner and reviewing…

Also, about the instant messaging part, you can actually read about it. I wrote a fanfic called The Naruto Chat Room Files, and it's about the Naruto characters instant messaging online. Something I love to do with my friends, but sadly, Windows Live Messenger isn't working at the moment. Oh well.