Disclaimer: I don't own squat, so all you people who thought you could sue me…YOU CAN'T! MWA HA HA HA (cough cough) ha…ha… Ugh. Forgot to breathe again…
a/n: I love this fanfic. It even makes me crack up when I reread it. I updated!!!! Yay! Enjoy, peoples!
"Ya know, it's getting kinda late," Naruto pointed out.
"Yea," Sakura agreed. She closed the diary and walked out of Ichiraku Ramen. Naruto followed.
"Hey! Why do you get to take it home?" Naruto whined.
"Because I'm more responsible," Sakura told him.
"But that's not fair!" Naruto protested. "I found it!"
"But you might lose it," Sakura said with a frown.
"Right," agreed Naruto. "But promise you won't read any of it without me, 'kay?"
"'Kay," Sakura replied. And they both went back home, not being able to wait to read the next entry. But as Naruto and Sakura started recalling some of the more disturbing parts of the diary, they both decided that they could probably wait through at least the night.
Naruto yawned as he rolled to the side, resulting in him falling off his bed again. He landed with a loud thud on the cold floor of his bedroom.
"Jeez," he muttered to himself while rubbing his head. "Morning came so quickly." Then he remembered the diary. And he was out the door and running towards Sakura's house in a matter of moments.
Sakura was mumbling angrily. She had been woken up at five in the morning by a neighbor who decided to play a trumpet for a concert that would be held in a couple of months.
"I guess I should get ready and go over to Naruto's place," Sakura said quietly as she glanced at the diary. She took off her nightgown and started searching for a nice shirt to wear. Just then, as if destiny had cursed her, Naruto screamed out, "SAKURA-CHAN!" and jumped in through her window.
Sakura twitched from shock as Naruto's face grew beet red, then the pink-haired kunoichi slammed her fist into his face, sending him flying.
"You stupid pervert! You never do change, do you?!" Sakura yelled after him. She sighed as she picked up a turquoise tanktop and slipped into in. She put on a pair of jeans and headed outside to Naruto with the diary.
XxX xXx XxX
Sakura found Naruto upside down in a trashcan. She was about to punch him again for being too stupid to get himself out, but instead, she kicked the trashcan. It rolled down a hill and hit a rock, sending Naruto flying out. He fell at Sakura's feet.
Naruto stood up unsteadily as Sakura found a bench to sit on. He sat down next to her as she opened the diary to the next entry…
Holy mother of tomatoes, I think I'm pregnant! I don't know how it happened. My stomach's been getting fatter and fatter by the day. Kakashi-sensei says that it's probably 'cause I've been eating so much lately, but I don't think that's it. I never did anything wrong, so how could I possibly be… pregnant?! I mean, I'm a man! Or am I… Maybe it was that time I got raped by Orochimaru…
Hey, can I ask you something? Of course I can ask you something! Why the hell do I have an over inflated ego?! I mean, god! It's so big you that it can be seen from a mile away! And if someone took a pin and popped it, it would probably knock our world into more of an axis! Or it might even knock the world off its axis…
Oh yea, the other day, I tried making pie. Papaya-watermelon. That's my favorite. Itachi made one for me as a joke when we were little, saying it was apple pie, 'cause he thought I'd vomit after eating something so disgusting, but it was so good! Itachi almost died when I said that. He should've completely died! Oh well.
Back to what I was saying. I was trying to make a papaya-watermelon pie. But I didn't have any papaya. So I decided to use Brussels sprouts as a substitute. In the end, after making the pie, I realized that I didn't have an oven. Well, I had one, but I kinda accidentally sat on it and it broke. GASP! Maybe I am getting fat!
Anyways, I took the pie and put in the freezer, since I didn't have an oven at the moment. Five days later, I took it out and it was frozen! I couldn't understand why the pie got frozen in the freezer! Everyone that I told this story to slapped me. You're not gonna slap me too, right diary? That's a good diary. No slapping Sasuke. Good diary. You're the best.
Oh, you know Sakura?
Sakura gasped and closed the diary. "Hey, I was reading that!" Naruto protested. He reached out for the diary, but Sakura held it up out of his reach.
"This is where Sasuke-kun admits his undying love for me!" Sakura said with a dreamy look in her eyes. "Yea right," Naruto muttered in between several coughs. Sakura opened the diary.
I completely hate her. She's such a slut, thinking that she's all that. And that ugly forehead of hers! God! She just sticks herself onto me at any random moment and I can't pry her off me even with a freakin' wrench! Wait, would a wrench help me do that? Well, whatevs. That's all for tonight! I mean today. I mean…AAHH! WHAT THE HELL DO I MEAN?!
Okay, I really have to go now. Sakura's stupid trumpet-playing neighbor is French kissing my dog! Or is my dog French kissing him?! OMG
Itach—I mean Sasuke Uchiha
Wait, is that Unsincerely, or Insincerely?
WAIT! How did I just mistake Itachi's name for mine?! On paper?! Oh well.
Naruto was cracking up from the Uchiha's stupidity. Then a look of utter shock washed over his face as he realized what he had just read in the last two sentences. "HIS DOG FRENCH KISSED YOUR NEIGHBOR, SAKURA-CHAN?!" He looked over at Sakura to see a horrified expression on her face.
"HE HATES ME?! I'LL SHOW HIM HATE!" she screeched. Fire burned through her, almost burning Naruto. She flipped the page so quickly that it almost ripped out of the diary. "Calm down, Sakura-chan!" Naruto said, startled. Sakura ignored him and read the next page.
My dog was French kissing the trumpet guy, not the other way around. I'm so ashamed of it. It bit me in some unnamable spots repeatedly when I yelled at it. And then Kiba came and saw me hurting the dog and he went completely crazy! He acted as if the dog was his mom or something! Or maybe Kiba was the dog's mom…
Whatevers. Hey, you know the Queens Center Mall? Well, the other day, when Orochimaru disguised himself as Shikamaru and asked me out on a date, and I said yes, he took me there and tried to rape me in the little boys' bathroom! Thank god Shikamaru's dad came in at that moment. He heard my manly cries of bravery (actually, they were girly screams of cowardness, but no one needs to know that) and ran right into the bathroom.
And when he saw Shikamaru (Orochimaru) on top of me he immediately fainted from shock. What help he was. But then the real Shikamaru came! And he beat the crap outta Orochimaru! As soon as that stupid pedophile left, Shikamaru's dad woke up and…well…let's just say Shikamaru had a lot of explaining to do. And the fact that his dad saw me with Orochimaru disguised as Shikamaru earlier and that I was still there didn't exactly help.
To make a long-ass story short, Shikamaru stuffed my head in the toilet for being so stupid as to go out with Orochimaru when I actually knew it was him, for wanting to go out with Shikamaru (in his dreams! But how am I supposed to explain why I went in the first place…?), then the idiot gave me an atomic wedgie (boy, did that hurt), threw me out the bathroom window (and I landed in a garbage truck!), and left me in the garbage truck to be squashed along with all the garbage!
Okay, that was kinda long, but I could've made it longer. And you know it. Hey, you know what's hideous? No, not me. Neji. He thinks I'm a fat gay guy! I mean, I know I've been getting fat, but gay?! Is Neji, like, blind or something?! I can't believe I just asked that. Of course he's blind! He's the blind girl!
And you know what? I bitch slapped that blind girl so hard that he lost his underwear! Oh wait…I was the one that lost my underwear, not Neji… Don't ask. I'll tell you next time. If I remember. And I don't think I will. 'Cause I was hungry two seconds ago and then I forgot. Hey! I just remembered! I think I'll make a cardboard and lead pizza. Mmmm…my mouth's watering already. Eww! I just drooled in you, diary! Sorries!
"Oh my god, ew! Sakura-chan, he eats cardboard and lead pizza!" Naruto cried, disgust plastered all over his face. Sakura's head was down, her grip on the diary getting harder as she started to shake. "S-Sakura-chan?" Naruto whispered softly. He thought that she was crying. "Sakura-chan, I'm sor—"
"AAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGG!" she screamed out in rage. "SASUKE-KUN WOULD GO OUT WITH OROCHIMARU AND SHIKAMARU, BUT NOT ME! AND AFTER THAT, HE CLAIMS HE'S STRAIGHT?! THAT STUPID IDIOT!"
Naruto was shocked at first. Sakura never said anything bad about Sasuke in her life. And all of a sudden, she was screaming at him as if she's hated him almost much as she used to hate Naruto before. The container of the Kyuubi grinned at this and said, "So, Sakura-chan, how do like Sasuke now?" He snickered as Sakura shot him a glare.
Naruto gave her a goofy smile and flipped the page.
My pizza didn't taste good. It tasted great! All the lead melted into the cardboard, which got really soft after I soaked it for a while. Funny thing is, when I was trying to be nice to my dog by giving him some, he vomited all of it back onto me. That retarded dog. I still smell like dog-vomit. Ugh.
Oh yea. I'll tell you how I lost my underwear. It's simple. Orochimaru, that stupid pedophile, wanted it so he used his brand new technique, "Steal Little Boy's Underwear no Jutsu" and stole my underwear. Let me tell you, I felt really weird without my underwear and I don't even want to know what that rapist did with them. I don't think I want them back anymore…
Did you know that the world was round? I always thought it was a square! (a/n: Thanks, sportypielover!) And the sun! Since when was it yellow? It always looked as green as my gorgeous green hair to me! And oranges! How'd they get so orange?! I could've sworn they were purple!
God, the world just changes everything, doesn't it? It's like I'm hated or something. Well, at least I'm not emo! Wait. I am emo! Oh well. So much for that. You know what really sucks? No, not me! Naruto Uzumaki. That stupid fool who's actually dumber than me (no offense to myself). I can't believe he though 2 plus 2 equaled 4! I mean, everyone knows that it equals six!
Whoa! Look at the time! 8 a.m.! Time for bed! Bonjour! Oh wait. That means hi. Never mind.
The Green Haired Beauty
Naruto almost choked on air from reading the closure. Then he started to het pissed from what Sasuke wrote about him, but let it slide since the stupid Uchiha dissed himself as well. Sakura sighed and closed the diary. "I don't think we can read anymore, Naruto," she said.
"Whaddya, mean?!" asked Naruto.
"It's too…wrong! We've barfed so many times and we've only read a couple of entries!"
"Deal with it, and take it like a man!" Naruto told Sakura with a determined look in his eye, not realizing dangers of what he had just said. Sakura looked up at him, anger flashing in her eyes. She tried to smile, but she just couldn't.
"Wh-What was that, Naruto?" she asked through gritted teeth.
Then it hit Naruto. "I-I mean woman! I totally mean woman! I didn't say man! I said woman! Sakura-chan, please don't kill—HOLY MOTHER OF RAMEN! NOT THAT! PLEASE! DON'T DO THAT!"
Sakura had picked up a 70-story building with one hand and was about to smash it down on Naruto. "So, Naruto, still feel like calling me a MAN?!"
"N-NO!" Naruto screamed. "I don't—OOOOWWWWWW!"
And Sakura did her worst to Naruto just because of one little word. Talk about anger management problems…
And where was the diary during this whole mess? It was left on the bench that Sakura and Naruto had left. The bench that Neji Hyuuga approached the next day. The bench that he found a book on with the words "Sasuke's Diary" embedded on the front. The bench that Neji sat down on to read the hideous entries in Sasuke's diary.
a/n: Dun dun dun! (insert "dun dun dun" music here) Whaddya think of that?! Oh yea. I won't be updating any of my stories for a while 'cause I'm going on vacation on Thursday. Yay! Vacation! I'll be back near the end of August, but I'll probably start updating again sometime in September. So I hope you enjoyed this chapter and remember: reviews make me happy. The more reviews I have, the happier I get. The happier I get, the faster I update. Yay! I just ate a whole bag of candy! And it said that the bag contained 20 servings! SUGAR HIGH! HYPER! YAY! XD