Summery: The Edwards are causing trouble, and Bella is very confused.
WARNING: This fic is a merciless parody, and should not be read by fans who are sensitive or get offended when their favorite book is made fun of. Now that I've warned you, you have no excuse to flame. Enjoy!
When Edward had mentioned that it in order to kill him he would need to be cut up in a bazillion pieces and burned, Bella hadn't really given much thought to it. To be honest, she had been too caught up in his angelic, lush, saccharine voice, and his dark, handsome amber eyes.
Right now, she wished she'd been paying better attention.
"Wait, who's the real Edward?" Bella asked, her brow wrinkling with the effort of completing a logical thought process.
"I am!" The two identical vampires exclaimed.
"I'm so confused!" cried Bella, "I know one of you is an imposter!"
"I was here first!" snarled one of the Edwards. He was completely naked from his pants up, and his porcelain chest gleamed and sparkled in the sunlight of the clearing.
The other Edward was wearing a shirt, but no pants. It appeared that he had taken off this sweater to cover up his lover half. Vampires, being dead, obviously can't blush, but needless to say, he looked very uncomfortable.
"Liar! Bella it's obvious he's the imposter," said the pants-less Edward, jabbing a thumb in his twin's direction. "Don't let him fool you!"
"Okay, look, you both can't be the real Edward… And you! Why aren't you wearing any pants?"
"Uh, I have no idea," said the pants-less Edward. "I just woke up here, next to him," He said with disgust in his voice. "And I wasn't wearing any." He paused for a moment, thinking. "You!" he cried, turning to his doppelganger, "You stole my pants to clothe yourself. What kind of sick freak are you?"
"Then you stole my shirt!" snarled the shirtless Edward. He looked as if he would say more, but was interrupted by Bella.
"Stop it, stop it right now! Let's go talk to Carlisle, he'll know what to do," said Bella, displaying an extraordinary reasoning ability.
This seemed to settle well with the identical Edwards, and after a brief fight about who got to carry Bella home against her will, they set off.
"Ah, this is very unusual, but I think I know what happened," said Carlisle. "You see, someone cut Edward in half."
"That makes no sense, he's not cut in half, he's whole. Both of him are whole!" Bella was crying now, and she was feeling a headache coming on. She wasn't used to having to do so much thinking. Thinking was Edward's job.
"Bella, to kill a vampire, you have to cut him into, like, a katrillion bazillion pieces and then burn him, remember?" Bella nodded. "Did you ever wonder what would happen if he was only cut up?"
"I never really thought about it," said Bella. Indeed, she hadn't.
"Well, normally, he regenerates. For example, if you cut a vampire's arm off, if will grow back. Alternately, if he's chopped into multiple pieces, the largest piece will regenerate." Carlisle said, picking his words carefully, as not to confuse Bella.
"Can I have some pants?" asked the pants-less Edward.
"You know where you're room is!" said Carlisle, getting a little irritated. "Do I have to do all the thinking?" he whispered to himself.
"Now, where was I? Oh, yes. You see, because Edward was cut in half, instead of regenerating as he normally would, both of the pieces regenerated, and thus, two Edwards."
"But which one is real?" whined Bella.
"THEY BOTH ARE!" Carlisle roared. "Weren't you listening to a thing I was saying?"
Pants-less Edward came back down stairs, now fully dressed, he was followed closely by shirtless Edward, who was now wearing a shirt. Both, seemingly, had gone to change sometime during Carlisle's explanation.
"Well what do I do now? I can't even tell who is who!" cried Bella.
"They're both Edward. So does it matter?" said Carlisle.
"Yes!" said the two Edwards and Bella.
It had been a week, and Bella was starting to get used to having two Edwards around. It wasn't so bad, really, except that they were always bickering. They alternated going to school, and took turns taking Bella out on dates. So, everything seemed to be working out.
"Hello?" said Bella, picking up the ringing phone.
"Uh, hi Bella… It's me, Jacob."
"Oh, Jacob, it's been ages since you last called! It's great to hear from you." Bella had genuinely missed leading Jacob on. Life just wasn't the same without torturing someone who was madly in love with you.
"Yeah… Umm… You seem in a pretty good mood, considering." Jacob sounded cautious, and kind of nervous.
"Considering what?" Bella felt a headache coming on again.
"He's okay then!"
"Look, he really pissed me off, acting all smug because he won the girl—"
"So you cut Edward in half!"
"Well thanks a lot! Now I have to deal with two of him. Do you have any idea how difficult that is? He's always bickering with himself, like a pair of brothers… or an old married couple!"
"Wait! Bella! What the hell are you talking abo—"
Bella hung up on him. She was done with this. He couldn't cut her boyfriend in half and expect her to be okay with it.
A/N In case you're wondering about the name of this fic. Apparentally (and I have no idea if this is actually true) if you cut a starfish in half, both sides regenerate,and you end up with two, identical starfish. I think it was in Animorphs once. XD
Anyway, this little jewel was born, in part because everyone on Gaia was asking for it, and I got to thinking about how to kill a vampire. Edward tells Bella the only way he can die is to be cut up and burned, so I thought, what if he's just cut up? I mean, does he stay Edward-chunks forever, and that was, well, silly. So, I decided, since Ms. Meyer's vampires are so perfect anyway, maybe he would just regenerate, and that got me on the subject of starfish...
Apologies in advance for poor editing, it's late, and I'm in a rush to get this up (to please the public). If anything's too horrendous, I'll fix it... Night all!