A Little Joke
A Xenocide Production
AN: At last! Here before you is the indirect sequel to The Art of Unspoken Words! I was a little tired of being angsty, so I tried my hand at humor. Dunno how well I pulled it off. Let me know what you guys think, yes?
Summary: The demon cleared its throat, closed its eyes, and in perfect imitation of a certain blonde kunoichi, proceeded to reenact the night's previous encounter.
I was once the undisputed master of the northern wastes.
I would dance in the height of a thunderstorm, lightning merrily nipping at my heels as I played a lighted-hearted version of tag with it.
Fire was my lover, caressing me gently to sleep each night, deep in the endless chasms of the fire mountains.
The earth trembled before me, quaking in fear with each step I took upon its surface. It dared not allow the pads of my feet to be pricked upon it's sharp surfaces.
The moon was my close friend, and we would sit up long into the night, conversing on the nature of the stars and maidens that inhabited them, occasionally tossing insults at the sun that eternally chased his glowing counterpart.
The spirits that inhabited the woods, fields, and streams often threw impromptu galas in my honor, some lasting for months at a time.
I am the Kyuubi no Kitsune, most powerful of the Nine Tailed Demons that walked the lands of old.
I am beautiful.
I am cunning.
I am deadly.
"Oi! Dumb-ass! You got some serious explaining to do!"
I am stuck inside the belly of a human child that has nearly driven me to disembowel myself. Immortality be damned.
"Furball! Don't you ignore me!"
You know, I once washed away an entire city on the coast because the smell from its fisheries offended me. This brat doesn't know, and even if he did, he wouldn't care. Fear and intimidation is lost on such a small mind as his.
A boy with spiky blonde hair is peering angrily with light cobalt eyes through the bars of a massive cage. It would have taken three of him with both arms outstretched to equal the width of one bar.
"I know that you made me do that---that---"
A great eye, wreathed in smoldering crimson, opened slowly and focused on the small figure barely out of reach of its claws. It would have been too much effort anyway.
"What thing are you talking about, boy? I have better things to do with my time than play infantile pranks on a mere mortal."
"Quit acting dumb!"
"I'll try. Kami knows you're better at it than I am."
The Kyuubi's ears twitched in delight as he watched the boy's eyes tick in anger.
"Gah! Bastard fox! I know it was you who made me do that pervy thing!"
"And what pray tell, is this perverted thing you speak of?"
The boy's face flushed red with embarrassment.
"You—Ino-chan---ramen---!" The poor lad was so caught up in his rage that he could hardly talk straight.
Hmmmmm...I could get used to this. The fewer words out of this brat, the better.
"Heheheheheh...what's the matter, boy? Fox got your tongue? Heheheheheheheheh..."
The Demon Lord was beside itself in mirth.
It was rather sad in a way. A being that was used to regularly bathing in the blood of its inferiors was now reduced to deriving pleasure from the humiliation of a human whelp.
Eh, you take it where you can get it, right?
The blonde brat was now beyond words in his anger. His face was now so red it could have mistaken for an overripe tomato. Choking noises better left to the more experienced were all he could manage to articulate. His hands were twitching violently, obviously eager to live their lifelong dream of choking the ever-living crap out of the monster that lived behind his belly button.
"You…… BASTARD!!!!" The mortal roared. "HOW AM I GOING TO LOOK HER IN THE FACE AGAIN!?!?"
The demon dismissed the boy's concerns with a nonchalant snort. "What do I care if the human bitch leaves you for a better male? You are a rather pathetic specimen."
Vile and explosive curses issued forth from his jailer's mouth as he shook his fists and then issued a double birdy. Some were so imaginative and anatomically impossible that the demon raised an eyebrow. My, and he thought that Shukaku was a potty mouth.
"AND ANOTHER THING!! RAMEN ISN'T MEANT TO BE USED LIKE THAT!! IT'S NEVER GOING TO TASTE THE SAME AGAIN!!" If the mention of the human female sent him into fits, the desecration of the only thing on Kami's green earth that he loved wholeheartedly sent him into a towering rage.
The Kyuubi smiled widely, which bared all of his impressive teeth. It would have caused a lesser mortal to void their bladders, but the blonde idiot merely snorted in contempt.
It snickered snidely in the depths of its thoughts.
And now, for the grand finale.
"If I recall correctly brat, the blonde bitch certainly wasn't complaining. She made such interesting noises…"
The demon cleared its throat, closed its eyes, and in perfect imitation of a certain blonde kunoichi, proceeded to reenact the night's previous encounter.
A high pitched voice, full of wantonness and passion issued forth from Kyuubi's fanged lips. "Oh, kami…Naruto! Don't stop! Ah…….yes, uhhnnn….Naruto! Clean it all up….ahhhnnn, Naruto! Lick every…..aggghhnnn… last drop! Kami……NARUTO!!!!" A scream of release, furious feminine panting, and then silence.
Satisfied that it had wrecked what little vestiges of sanity that its host had, the Fox opened its eyes and looked down at the brat with a grin on its lips, ready to revel in the sight of a very embarrassed and hopefully unbalanced boy.
It was astonished to find the brat stroking his chin sagely with a thoughtful look on his face.
It heard the soft muttering of the boy. "Now that I think about it, the ramen didn't taste all that bad."
The furred hellion could only stare in abject astonishment at the mortal in front of him.
Suddenly, Naruto laughed and beamed at Kyuubi. "Wow, I guess I should thank you, furball!" He leaned in and added in a confidential whisper, "I don't think that she's been too happy with me ever since I told her that those flowers she brought me were too girly. I ended up staying in the hospital for a whole 'nother week!"
With another laugh, he spun around and headed for the exit. "Ino-chan has today off! I think she might like to try a different flavor this time." He called out over his shoulder.
And then he was gone.
It was with great effort that The Great Fox snapped his jaws shut.
A moment later, it grinned hugely. The foolish mortal had taken it, hook, line, and sinker. Those acting lessons had not gone to waste after all.
The Fox may not have been able to directly influence the brat's body outside of healing and chakra manipulation, but dreams?
Well, they were an entirely different story. It wasn't its fault that the idiot couldn't tell the difference between the real world and the dream world. All it did was…..feed the brat's subconscious desires.
Though, if it did say so itself, it was far beyond mere mastery of the art of illusion. The demon would have been insulted if his jailer had dismissed its illusion as a mere dream.
I doubt the brat will get a warm reception from the blonde bitch when he shows up with a few extra-spicy ramen cups.
Kyuubi no Kitsune laid its head between its paws, still grinning madly.
Just because it was a prisoner inside the body of weak, pathetic sack of mortal flesh didn't mean it couldn't enjoy a little joke.