I'm such an idiot. And so are you. We are both just two idiots in this world that is really the world of our master, and both of us idiots for the sake of the poison of fools called love.
From the moment I came into your world you were hesitant about me. Because Orochimaru doted on me, bringing me up and training me for his greatest honor, I saw you straining yourself to get his attention away from me. At first, I fought back, because I was too young and naïve to realize why you wanted his preference. I fought for the attention of a guardian, a mentor, never realizing you were longing for a lover.
I figured it out the night I slept in your place, beside him. I was amazed, engulfed and devoured by the sensation of passion and affection and utter heat of his bed, and then I understood why you were afraid of me. Lying there beside him, still warm from his passion, the aches starting to settle in my body, I could see so clearly how you felt, it seemed for a moment I was you. His gaze was gentle, but not singular; there was a horrible hollowness in the clear realization that that look was not for only the one beside him, but everyone beside him, but at the same time so achingly beautiful and deep that the desire to have made for me and only me rose so strongly I would have done anything to have it that way.
But…as I stopped thinking about you, and how you felt, I realized that those feelings were yours, and yours only. I was happy…hell, ecstatic…to serve our lord and master in any was and every way he wanted, and I did want his attention, his affection. But as for a lover, I didn't need that from him. I didn't love him in that way. The thing in my life that I longed for most was someone to care for me, as a father instead of a lover.
You…you on the other hand intimidated me. You did not show me any care or affection and yet I found myself enjoying your company; as jealous and angry of a company as it was. I found myself watching you as you went about your hectic business, glancing at Orochimaru, trying to steal his gaze off of me. I didn't understand any of that. Tayuya and the other three treated me just as you did; as an unwelcome guest into your strange family, but perhaps even kinder than you, and still I watched you, and thought of you, and you were so entrancing to me that I could never bring up the courage to say anything to you.
I wanted to explain. I wanted so badly to tell you that I wasn't an opponent, that I played no hand in getting his physical fondness. I wanted to be your companion, your friend. I wanted to be able to sit next to you while you worked, talk to you in all those intelligent conversations you loved to have with Orochimaru-sama, to share with you…something. Something I couldn't quite grasp but knew I didn't want from Orochimaru. That's why I couldn't talk to you. Because I didn't even know exactly what I was feeling, what I wanted. I just knew that I wanted…you.
I ached over it, over you, for so long I stopped realizing I was even doing it. No one noticed. You were always tending to Orochimaru-sama, always at his side, when my gaze lingered longer than it should have, you would glare at me, assuming I was watching him, or Kidomaru would make a snide comment questioning why I looked so wistful when I got the most attention of any of us. I would just blush and shy away. When Orochimaru took me to lie with him, I found myself in the very heat of it still thinking of you, wondering how such an encounter would be with you…and then I would blush and whispered Orochimaru-sama's name to remind myself of who I was with, and who you gave all the attention I so badly wanted.
I really am an idiot. I realized, far too long after it happened, that I loved you as you loved our master, and then I said nothing. I couldn't say anything. Because if I did what would come of it? Unlike me, you were completely, obsessively in love with our master, I knew I wouldn't change that. I wasn't so much an idiot that I couldn't see that. I loved you ridiculously much, and yet I knew that for both of us loyalty to Orochimaru came first, we would both always give everything to him before anyone else. I could abandon him no more than if he had been my real father, and you loved him too much to ever place him second. That alone would have kept us apart, even if my feelings had been returned, so there was no point in saying anything. I just kept silent, being painfully in love.
Then my illness came. Slowly, like my love for you, and just as painful and deadly. A few coughs, where lingering looks had been, blood from my ripped throat, like the blush when you'd catch me looking, and slowly I became bed-ridden; trapped in illness as I was in loving you. Only one thing good came out of my sickness, and that was that spending time with you became mandatory and frequent. We spoke little; you only to ask the obligatory questions, and me only to answer and ask questions of Orochimaru's well-being which answered quietly and without wanting to tell me anything of your loved one. But every short and awkward conversation gave me something to remember and be happy about. For even that sparse interaction with you made me happy.
Now. Now I am dead. And it was a good death to die for my dear master and father. Yet, as much as I know it would have done nothing, I wish I had told you how I feel; just so that, once, perhaps we could have had one conversation where you were not afraid of and jealous of me. It's completely selfish of me, because it would have done nothing except for make you perhaps regret hating me, which I don't blame you for, you loved him and I stole him so often, but…just one selfish wish I have is that I could have said the words. Just for me.
But, instead, you will never know. You will be happy that I am gone so you can once again be Orochimaru-sama's favorite. You will never have to feel that perhaps you could have done something for me, despite that you could never love me. You will never know that even as I died defending Orochimaru-sama and his dream, my last sentient thought was that I love you, and will miss you terribly.
But I suppose its better that way.
…I really am just a foolish idiot…
…I love you Kabuto…
A/N I've had Kimi/Kabu on the brain lately so I had to write this. It's a companion to "The Only One to Shed Tears". I love Kimimaro so much; his story is so romantically bittersweet…I'm very proud of this. Please leave a review. If nothing else, leave a number of 1 through 5; 5 being amazing and 1 being crap. I'd appreciate it.