Title: A Most Important Matter

A/N: This was done some time back at a time wherein I was ideally supposed to be studying. Crack, OOC, some TWT (timeline what timeline) and other stuff. Comments appreciated :) Edit: made some slight corrections and better warning/labeling ::facepalm::. What was I thinking? I wasn't.

Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts and all related belong to Square Enix and Disney. Otherwise we might actually see some of the things in the net in the game.

A Most Important Matter

It was the usual monthly meeting in the white throne room.

"My underlings, we have a very serious problem," Xemnas began ominously.

"It has come to my attention that we, Organization XIII, have been poorly and appallingly mislabeled," he continued, pausing for a moment to check the room.

Demyx squirmed slightly in his seat, Roxas yawned, Marluxia and Saix were busy glaring daggers at one another while Zexion read a book in between them, an exasperated Xaldin was juggling his lances and Axel looked… more gleeful than usual, with his hands behind his back.

Nonetheless, Xemnas continued, "…as homosexual sex maniacs," he finished dramatically.

The effect was ruined when Demyx suddenly moaned and Roxas gave an uncharacteristic squeak.

"AXEL! " Xemnas roared, "Stop ABUSING The Portals of Darkness to molest your fellow organization members!"

Axel gave the Superior an angelic smile, but withdrew his hands from behind his back, where a portal of darkness was indeed brewing. Demyx slumped back into his seat and lay apparently exhausted. Xemnas decided that he really didn't want to know where the other end of the portal had opened.

It was technically possible to make portals of darkness as large or as small as you wanted anywhere, with any amount of space you wished in between portals. Which was very useful, when one had to keep massive amounts of dusks somewhere. Beyond this use, Xemnas wasn't sure what Axel's… uniquely creative mind had come up with.

"Superior, you should probably be informed of this," Axel broke into his thoughts lazily, "Marluxia and Saix are currently tearing each other's coats off. And Larxene's taping it."

Xemnas swiveled around to find that that exact thing was indeed happening.

"This is exactly why we have the problem in the first place! None of you seem to have any self-control!" Xemnas breathed heavily.

"Why can't you all be more like Lexaeus and Xigbar and Xaldin over there?" he demanded, pointing to where Xaldin was polishing one of his many lances.

For a moment there's silence.

"Xemnas," Zexion pointed out politely, "Xigbar and Lexaeus were unable to attend today's meeting due to serious floor burns and other…injuries sustained from their S&M activities last night with Xaldin in chamber 69."

Xemnas gaped. Not them too! "I didn't need to know that, Zexion. Is everyone in this castle besides me a flaming pervert??!"

Roxas scoffed. "Please, we all know about your… collection and what you tried to do to that Riku kid after you found him wandering about worlds."

"T-That was for academic purposes! Study!" Xemnas spluttered.

"Uh-huh. Of course it is. Which doesn't explain why not even Vexen received any of your notes on how much a corrupted keyblade master can take." Roxas idly swatted away a hand from a Portal of Darkness reaching for his butt.

"Vexen's busy," the first replied tersely. "He's conducting studies as we speak."

"Yeah, with the Riku Replica currently in the lab. Betcha we won't see a word from that on paper either. Just admit that you tried to do X-rated things to a minor, please."

"Y-you have absolutely nothing to back that up but your own guesses!"

"How about Riku's word then? You know, Riku was very talkative during our little comfort-sex session.He mentioned something about Tentacles of Darkness and a leather fetish- I'm guessing that's why our uniforms are like this." Roxas' droll monotone didn't skip a beat even when the hand he was about to elbow from his hips suddenly withdrew in shock.

"Roxy! You slept with Riku?!" Axel whined. "And you didn't invite me??"

Roxas shrugged."I wouldn't call it sleeping with him, seeing as there was no sleeping done."

"Oh, so that's why you asked me for a spare hi-potion then!" Demyx exclaimed, sitting upright again.

"What was he like?" He was curious.

Roxas simply smiled.

"Shit. And he still has his heart, right? Man it's been ages since I've fucked a guy with a heart," Axel commented wistfully. "The best is when -"

"ENOUGH." Xemnas bellowed, finally recovering from the shock of it all.

"Saix, Marluxia, get your clothes on- Larxene, I don't want to know what you're thinking of doing with that. Zexion, stop making out with Demyx, Axel and Roxas- would you please stop telling everyone about your sexcapades? And Xaldin, please stop polishing your lance!"

Xaldin scowled and put the offending phallic object away lovingly. The rest didn't seem to hear and were either in the throes of pleasure or deep in a conversation no one under 30 could hear without blushing furiously.

"Why is everyone so horny??" Xemnas moaned theatrically.

"You could ask Namine," Larxene suggested mildly from where she was trying to get another close-up for her filming.

"What?!?" Sweet, innocent, naïve Namine knew about this?

"Yup, these tapes are for her. You see, our resident, memory-manipulating witch artist…" Larxene paused to let out an appreciative hoot as Zexion and Demyx did a 69.

Then, she continued, "…Has been drawing XXX-rated doujinshi of the Members and making it become reality."

For the first time in his not-life, Xemnas was very very VERY afraid.

-end-