Title: What could make Dumbledore blush?
Summary: Humor fic!! Ron was holding the stand like he would a broom and it actually looked as if he was about to mount it. The way Ron's hips would thrust forward every now and then was just not acceptable as far as Harry was concerned!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fic!! Harry Potter and co belongs to the wonderful JK Rowling and the idea of Idols belongs to…. I have absolutely no idea who it belongs to but it's NOT me!!
AN: At first, I tried to make this a humor fic or a crack fic but there are some serious parts in-between which I just couldn't help!!
There are some, not so innocent insinuations that I make throughout the fic, just so you know!!
What could make Dumbledore blush?
The idea had come from some second year Hufflepuff girl who had come back to Hogwarts after the summer vacation full of excitement and suggestions.
Of course, the request to have a singing competition was just too appealing to Dumbledore for him to let it pass and that is where they found themselves now.
Torture at Voldemort's hands would have been welcome at the moment.
Snape had resolutely decided on a silencing bubble around himself after the first torturous sitting. It was just too bad that Dumbledore had seen him do it and had decided that it was a good idea to make Snape one of the judges.
Now, sitting there between Trelawney (of all people) and Flitwick, Severus just couldn't decide what was worse, having to judge along with a woman who was permanently on a high with all the incense wafting around in her tower and a man who i squeaked /i every time a student took to the stage, or to have to listen to those children who were apparently squeak worthy.
Pansy Parkinson took to the stage after Colin Creevey did his piece – which Severus realized belatedly he had not listened to at all, and had thus not judged, as he was supposed to do.
Severus forced himself to focus on the stage and actually listen to the students. He had absolutely NO musical background or experience or anything, and yet he was supposed to judge a student's voice!?!
The soft voice coming from Pansy belied her usual personality and Severus found that he actually preferred her singing voice from the grating screech she usually had when talking.
As the song reached a crescendo, Pansy lifted her head high and ended the song the same way she usually ended an argument with Draco – by shrieking the note and breaking the 'fake mike' she held in her hand by gripping it a bit too tight.
The applause which had started during the last stanza of the song came to a halt as fast as it started and students all around reached up to cover their ears.
What had started as a rather pleasant performance had quickly ended in disaster.
Ron Weasley was the next up and Severus took a quill in hand and wrote a big fat 1 out of 10 beside his name before the boy even began his song.
Harry clapped wildly as Ron walked to the stage. He had finally been allowed free reign of the house during the holidays after Mad-eye Moody's threats and had seen some of the performances on the television of the muggle Idol show. Dudley had 'predicted' every second person's fate fairly accurately which led Harry to believe that it was a repeat show, not the live version.
Some of those people really just couldn't sing but Harry had to admit that there were a few, very few, of them who sang beautifully.
Harry watched as his best friend started his song and was surprised to realize that he recognized the song (not that he knew it) – but he was more surprised that Ron actually knew it!
Ron was signing "You're Just Too Good To Be True" by Andy Williams. Harry found that Ron had a pleasant enough voice but it was definitely not 'Idol' material.
The longer Ron sang the more Harry's mouth fell open. No, it was not Ron's voice that was causing Harry's reaction; it was his way of singing. Or more precisely, the way he handled the mike and stand. Ron was holding the stand like he would a broom and it actually looked as if he was about to mount it. The way Ron's hips would thrust forward every now and then was just not acceptable as far as Harry was concerned!
Ron and Hermione had been going out for about a month now and Harry could just not imagine Ron as anything but as straight as a pole.
But when Ron started singing the chorus:
I love you baby and if it's quite all right
I need you baby to warm the lonely nights
I love you baby, trust in me when I say
Oh pretty baby, don't bring me down I pray
Oh pretty baby, now that I've found you stay
And let me love you baby, let me love you
And actually started caressing the mike in a way that was just NOT done, Harry began to have his doubts.
Harry could see that quite a few people were looking at Ron like he'd lost his mind but when Harry found Blaize Zabini looking at Ron like he was his next meal, Harry decided to save his friend by waiting for him just beside the platform and grabbing him by the arm while personally escorting him to a seat safely between himself and Hermione.
Draco Malfoy was up next and though Harry didn't know the song he found himself incapable of looking away.
It looked as if Ron was not the only one who found some hidden secrets about himself that day.
When Malfoy moved on the stage it was like he was born on the stage. No shyness was apparent in his form and when he came to the end of the first verse and started on the 'chorus' part, Harry found himself partying along with everyone else.
I'll let her rough me up
Till she knocks me out
She walks like she talks,
And she talks like she walks
And she bangs, she bangs
When she moves, she moves
Harry knew he wasn't gay, okay, he thought he wasn't gay but the way that Draco Malfoy danced raised some images in his mind. One image was that of girls and women, but along with them was Draco Malfoy and Harry just couldn't shake the thoughts.
Finally his torture was ended when Malfoy stepped off the stage but then it was Harry's turn.
He had no idea how he was ever going to live this down. Being raised by the Dursley's meant that you would not know any songs, any music, to such an extent that you knew the words along with the melody. Thus, Harry was in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
The fact of the matter was that he knew a total of two songs. TWO SONGS! One which was "Happy Birthday", he had heard it enough times when Petunia sang it to Dudley, that he knew it by heart.
The second was "Amazing Grace". He couldn't really remember where he had first heard it or really, how he knew the words so well but every Christmas at the Dursley's he would hear the song on the radio or on a CD his aunt popped in or something.
Harry really didn't know what to expect from the rest of the school when he decided to sing a Christmas song – of all things!!
As soon as Harry started the song, silence fell in the hall. Some of the Slytherins began sniggering at him but McGonagall hushed them.
He could see that most of the students didn't know what to make of the song choice but Harry decided not to care. He would not explain his choice to them as it would reveal WAY too much about his past so he just continued and finished the song off as best he could. There was actually some scattered applause as he stepped off the stage which was more than most had received.
Hermione was next and though Harry loved her dearly as a friend, when she stepped off the stage after her performance, Harry silently begged that she would stick to her studies. He congratulated her on her performance though and kept his thoughts to himself.
The twins were up next and Harry could see that McGonagall was arguing with them about performing separately but they just wouldn't have it. He soon found out why.
"Ebony and Ivory
Live together in perfect harmony
Side by side on my piano keyboard
Oh Lord, why don't we ?
We all know that people are the same
wherever you go
There's good and bad in everyone
We learn to live, we learn to give each other
What we need to survive
And Harry decided that it was really for the best that parents were not invited for these first auditions as there were just some things that parents really should not know about their children!!
Or Harry about his friends really…
Ron was looking at his brothers with both horror and a certain amount of curiosity and Harry decided that he really DIDN'T want to know!!!
Next on the stage was a Slytherin seventh year girl, she had been suspiciously absent for the first month and a half of school and Harry still wondered why that was.
When she first started her song, Harry thought nothing, and didn't really listen to the words, it was an upbeat song and he enjoyed the rhythm.
However, when she came to the last part and wouldn't look away from a seventh year Ravenclaw guy; Harry realized exactly where she had been the first month of school.
Baby's on its way
Baby's on its way
Say I do and kiss me quick
'Cause baby's on its way
I shouldn't be wearing white and you can't afford no ring
McGonagall looked flustered as the girl stepped off the stage and even Flitwick looked a bit disturbed. Apparently the Professors hadn't been aware of what goes on in the school at the dead of night.
Well, those two didn't. Dumbledore just smiled benignly at the girl and called the next one up.
When Ginny took to the stage and started to sing, Harry couldn't help but flinch at the words. Even though he was not one of those the song pertained to, he knew about what happened throughout the school.
Colors of the Wind
You think I'm an ignorant savage
And you've been so many places
I guess it must be so
But still I cannot see
If the savage one is me
Now can there be so much that you don't know?
You don't know ...
As Ginny moved around on the stage, Harry couldn't help but think of his second year, her first, where she was possessed by Voldemort and was forevermore the 'odd ball' of her year. He clapped politely as she stepped off the stage and was gratified that most of the school were also moved by her words and did the same.
The rest of the students all performed to various degrees of success and applause.
What stood out forever in the minds of everyone gathered there that day was the very last performance.
Dumbledore himself decided to do a song and as soon as he started many faces turned scarlet and others turned towards a certain Professor.
Harry himself didn't know the song but he very much doubted that the name 'Minerva' was actually used in the original version.
How do you solve a problem like Minerva?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Minerva?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say
How do you keep a wave upon the sand
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Minerva?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?
When I'm with her I'm confused
Out of focus and bemused
And I never know exactly where I am
Unpredictable as weather
She's as flighty as a feather
She's a darling! She's a demon! She's a lamb!
Harry couldn't hold his laughter anymore and he, along with everyone else, bent over and laughed as loud as he could.
McGonagall had at first turned a brilliant shade of red and then she'd cast a disillusionment charm on herself but by the way Dumbledore's eyes would slowly travel from one side of the room to another, Harry knew exactly where his Professor was at all times.
When Dumbledore finished, Snape gave him a standing ovation while singing in a monotone;
Hey Albus - you've been around all night
And that's a little long.
You think you've got the right but I think you've got it wrong.
Why can't we say goodnight? So you can take me home
Harry focused on the words and when Snape ended the song with;
Oh Albus what a pity you don't understand
You take me by the heart
You take me by the hand
Oh Albus Youre so pretty
Cant you understand?
Its guys like you Albus
Oh what you do Albus
Dont break my heart Albus.
Harry was literally rolling on the ground while watching the headmaster blush for the first time in memory.
I know "Ebony and Ivory" is about all races living together in harmony but I just thought it was the best song to use in the context that I did... ;)
Disclaimers for songs in the order that they appear in the fic:
"You're Just Too Good To Be True" by Andy Williams
"She Bangs" by Ricky Martin
"Amazing Grace" The words were written by Englishman John Newton.
"Ebony and Ivory" by Paul McCartney
"White trash wedding" by Dixie Chicks
"Colors of the Wind" by Ashanti
"Maria" by Richard Rodgers and lyrics by Oscar Hammerstein II
"Hey Mickey" by Toni Basil