Sept. 28th
Some of you alert readers, whose names I will not mention, but if I did, one of them would start with a 'P' and end with an "eridotHorntail," and the other would start with an 'H' and end with an 'edwig with a quill," have pointed out what they believe to be an inconsistency in an earlier entry of mine.

You see, I've mentioned my dear basilisk, Rosy-Ann in a previous entry. But several of you have pointed out that Rosy-Ann actually died in "Harry Potter in the Chamber of Secrets," and that it would thusly be rather hard for her to write me a letter as R.A.B.

Well, children, you shouldn't believe everything you read in Harry Potter. Why, I bet you also believe that I was the less attractive of Quirrel's two faces! Haha! In any case, Rosy-Ann was never dead. After the Potter brat stabbed her, she fainted at the thought of all of that blood, and after Potter made his getaway, Nagini and I nursed her back to health. She's now as good as new and planning a wedding to her high school sweetheart, the Giant Squid. So don't worry your ugly little heads about such matters.

What you SHOULD be worrying your ugly little heads about is all of the ridiculous mail I've received lately. For instance, this letter:

Not-Really-All-That Dear Lord Voldemort,
I am absolutely appalled at your actions. Even when you do something the slightest bit good, you have ulterior motives that make your good deed worthless. For instance, you mentioned that you killed Santa Claus in a previous entry. While I applaud this decision (surely you know that Santa Claus was the biggest elf slavedriver in the world, and to make matters worse, this fact has been glorified in children's literature), you completely negated it by employing the elves as your slaves! Have you no shame?
Furthermore, it may interest you to know that your blog has been discovered by an Order of the Phoenix informant, who has read every entry out loud during Order meetings? While some aspects of your blog are indeed amusing, I was shocked and horrified by some of the content. For instance, that "Wrong Bananas" video in your last entry. As for the identity of the informant, there's no way I'm telling you who that is, but I'd watch your step if I were you.
Absolutely no love whatsoever,
Hermione Jane Granger.
P.S. While I am flattered to be number six on your hit list and pleased that you are jealous of my hair, I assure you that I do not, in fact, have twenty-eight forks, a pet parrot, my Great Aunt Zelda, and the complete works of William Shakespeare concealed in my hair. At last count, there were only twenty-seven forks in there.

Well. Well, well, well. That was certainly something to make a Dark Lord choke on his Count Chocula cereal. (This is, by the way, not just a figure of speech, and I am, in fact, suing General Mills cereal. Those allegedly 'fun-shaped' marshmallows aren't so much fun when they're lodged in your trachea.) Who on earth could the informant be?! I'll bet you anything that it's that R.A.B. moron. Well, I wouldn't bet you ANYTHING. Like, I wouldn't bet my secret Rowena-Ravenclaw's-charm-bracelet-horcrux that absolutely nobody knows about, or my secret teddy bear named Mr. Snugglesworth. But you get my drift.

In any case, speaking of R.A.B, I then got an even more disturbing letter. It read something like this:

Dear Smelly Old Insert Rude Name Here,
I have a joke for you. What did the man say when he dropped the Dark Lord's pet snake horcrux down the garbage disposal? It won't be long now! HAHAHAAA!
With all due respect (aka, none),

Words cannot describe my anger at R.A.B. right about now. It's one thing for me to go on murderous rampages sometimes just because I'm bored, but to drop Nagini down the garbage disposal? Who would do such a thing to my poor, sweet snakeling, a real darling that's never done a bad thing in her life, except for containing a seventh of my soul, violently murdering several people, attacking Arthur Weasley, ordering some things on me ebay account, and occasionally wearing white after Labor Day. I haven't seen Nagini for a bit, but I assumed she was shopping for a new tube dress to wear to Rosy's wedding. I had no idea that she was being tortured! I, my friends (and enemies, if you're reading this blog as well) am completely aghast!


First post! Master, I feel so sorry for you! Incidentally, if you're feeling completely aghast, try some Beano. I hear it works wonders.
--Posted by wormtail77

CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED R.A.B. CENSORED Here the censor died of a heart attack and then he'll be sorry!!1!!one!11!!1!!eleventy-one!!1!
--Posted by xvoldyistehhotnessx

Wow. Er, for the convenience of other readers, here is a family-friendly translation of what Bella was trying to say: "Golly gee whillikers! I am rather displeased with R.A.B., due to the fact that he's not very nice and I dislike him. If he continues in this vein, I may be forced to do something a tad violent that may or may not include porcupines and pajamas."
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Subj: Wedding?
What's this now? Rosy's getting married to the Giant Squid, and I haven't been invited? I'm just going to go cry now, and possibly even be reduced to borrowing Draco's eyeliner.
--Posted by daddylusciouslocks.

RE: Subj: Wedding?
Oh, come now. I know, you've previously been a great success at animal weddings. For instance, at that marriage of two camels, your rendition of "My Humps" was absolutely inspired. But, well, Rosy's already booked Josh Groban to perform, so I'm afraid there just wasn't room for you.
--Posted by thedarklord666.

Subj: Don't worry
Hi, this is Nagini, using Babelfish translation again. I don't want you to worry about me; I'm perfectly fine. After I was dropped down the disposal, I escaped, hurt but alive. I then went to your plastic surgeon (you know, the one who specialises in snakes), and he fixed me up. So I'm as good as new, and ready to be the Maid of Honour at the wedding! There is one glitch, though… you know that little snippet of your soul that you stuck in me? Well, uh, the plastic surgeon couldn't do anything about that. It's gone for good, I'm afraid.
--Posted by sparklediva00

RE: Subj: Don't worry
NAGINI! Thank evilness you're alive!
--Posted by thedarklord666

Subj: Poor dear
Oh, you poor man. You've had a really rough day, and I just feel horrible about it. I'll tell you what, why don't I take you out for dinner and a movie tomorrow night? I know you've said you don't want to date, but what harm can one blind date do? Please give me a chance. Meet me at my house in London; I've emailed you with my address! X0X0X0
--Posted by blondeD

RE: Subj: Poor dear
You know what? I give up! That's it, I'm caving! I'll go on a date with you! Sheesh! But Bellatrix, don't even think about trying the same tactics.
--Posted by thedarklord666.

Sept. 29th
AAARGH! It's just going to be one simple blind date! Why am I so nervous? I've killed hundreds without batting an eye and accomplished the most atrociously audacious of actions. So why is the reminder of my date tonight hanging over me like an old dead goose? I'm going crazy!
How to do my hair? Oh, that's right, I'm bald. That's so hard to get used to. The red eyes and slit nose were pretty easy to adjust to, but for some reason, I'm in denial about the billiard ball haircut.
Luckily, Nagini (who came home last night) and Rosy and her niece (Dolores Umbridge) and I made a list of rules to which I'm supposed to adhere on tonight's date.

1. I must not tell my date that her pink dress 'goes great with her acne.'

2. I must not take measurements of her neck and tell her that I wanted to order her a custom-made noose especially for her.

3. I must not mention my one remaining horc… HAPPY THING, the one I've never mentioned to anyone and kept a total secret. (Ravenclaw's charm bracelet, the one that's hidden in my underwear drawer, since I never use that drawer for my drawers, so to speak.)

4. I must not order anything made from human flesh, or containing garlic (it gives me bad breath.)

5. To wear: pink polo shirt from Hollister and blue jeans. Not to wear: anything with bloodstains, leather pants (embarrassing story behind that one), eyeliner (can be off-putting.)

6. I must not place the Imperius Curse on my date. (That one'll be hard.)

7. I must not use the pick-up line that starts with the phrase "Do you have a mirror in your pocket?"

8. I must not recommend that we see a 'romantic comedy' like "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." I also must not sing the song "It's Raining Men" for karaoke.

9. I must not bring along Nagini (in order to keep blondeD from feeling like 'The Other Woman.')

10. I must avoid Bellatrix at all costs, and create a diversion if I do, in fact, see her.


First post! Master, you're going to have to tell me about your date! I've always wondered what they're like…
--Posted by wormtail77

You are a sad, sad strange little man.
--Posted by thedarklord666

Subj: See you soon!
Oh, I can't wait until tonight! Incidentally, it's very comforting that you won't do any of the things on the list.
--Posted by blondeD

Subj: WUT?
I am sorry, but this is even more obscene before, and simply cannot be posted. LYK A PIG SUCKING CHEEZ OUT OF A FYR HOZE!!1!!one!!1!one! U SEE IF I DON'T!!11!!eleventeen!!1!!
--Posted by xvoldyisthehotnessx


Sept 30th

Greetings, my fine ladies and gentlemen! I'm afraid Voldemort's unable to write a blog entry at the moment, so I, as a frequenter of this blog, kindly volunteered to do it for him.

Well, no, that's a lie. I just kind of hacked onto his account. It was quite easy, actually-- his password is "joshgrobanfan4evah."

Anyway, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Harry Potter. Doesn't ring any bells? Well, you might know me from the 'comments' section on this blog as blondeD. That's actually my cousin Dudley's username, but he never uses it, as he's completely illiterate, so it was mine for the taking. Oddly enough, his password is also "joshgrobanfan4evah."

Voldemort has been really stupid lately, posting things that I would never in a million years divulge online if I were him-- things like the locations of his Horcruxes, plots to assassinate Order members, places he's planning on visiting in the future, a list of his followers, the truth about his infatuation with the pink Power Ranger-- and it shouldn't have surprised him that someone on the light side (that would be me) would use that information against him.

I can't believe how well my plan worked. As blondeD, when I asked him to meet me for a dinner and a movie, he, being the arrogant man (?) that he is, assumed that I was a hot babe who wanted to go on a date with him and agreed. Instead, I got the entire Order of the Phoenix to hold a stake out and hide until Voldemort arrived. Sure enough, at precisely 8:59, he arrived, in his ridiculous pink polo shirt, his jeans, and a miasma of overpoweringly strong cologne that I believe was called 'Eau De Snake Pee.' Amazingly, he was carrying a bouquet of deadly nightshade and mandrakes but, get this, NO WAND.

It didn't take him long to realise that he'd been set up. He tried to escape, but he tripped over Ron's foot (knew those big feet of his would come in handy some day) and fell off a cliff. This was especially weird, since we were in the middle of a suburban shopping centre.

Now, in case you actually like the evil git (in which case, I recommend counseling, and I know a great psychotherapist in London), then don't worry. He'll be fine-- but he won't be writing any blog entries anytime soon. He shattered all of the bones in his fingers, wrists, and forearms; and his upper arms and shoulders are full of hairline fractures. Apparently, his hands were already weakened due to Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from spending so much time on the computer, so he'll be in St. Mungo's for awhile recuperating. After he gets out of St. Mungo's it's straight to Azkaban for him, and he'll have to do community service and take anger management classes from someone named Madelynn.

Then, R.A.B and I went and destroyed Rowena Ravenclaw's charm bracelet (Like he said, it was in his underwear drawer, which was otherwise empty, with the notable exception of a box labeled 'DANGER! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION' that contained Draco Malfoy's baby pictures), so he's mortal again.

OH! You don't know who R.A.B. is, do you? Well, it's not the basilisk. In fact, her wedding's still going to occur as planned, even without Voldemort to walk her down the aisle. She's not going to waste her beautiful Vera Fang dress and reservations for the marriage chapel in the squid tank of the London Aquarium just because her master's been incapacitated.

But no, R.A.B. is actually two people, Rodolphus and Bellatrix Lestrange. Surprised? So was I! But apparently, they were never actually true servants of Voldemort-- they've been on the good side all along, and were spies for the Order. In fact, Bellatrix and Sirius were best friends, and Sirius isn't dead. He was just on vacation in Bermuda (which is where the veil really leads to), and he's back now with a truly splendid tan. You have no idea how much help Bellatrix has been to the Order of the Phoenix. In fact, Snape is now sulking in his trailer because Bellatrix won the "Best Double Agent" award this year over him, and he only won "Worst Hygiene" and "Least Likeable."

I'm throwing a big party tonight in honour of Voldemort's defeat and capture. Everyone I know will be there, and you're all invited. We've turned the Knight Bus into a party bus, so just step outside and stick your wand out, and our Party On Wheels will come and pick you up. We'll have lots of food and music, and it should be fun, especially since--and you didn't hear this from me-- I hear that the entire cast of the Power Rangers will be there celebrating the end Voldemort's reign of terror. (Apparently, he kept sending the Blue Power Ranger e-Crucios.)

And I forgot to mention the most exciting part-- Voldemort's not only mortal, but he's lost all of his magical abilities whatsoever!

Apparently, Nagini sold all of his magic on eBay.


I'm so glad they have an internet café in Azkaban!
--Posted by wormtail77

Subj: Foshizzle
Yo, I see whatcha mean, my brother. This new layout in the cell is totally P-I-M-P-I-N.' It is TIIIGHT, with a capital 'T.' But the whole thing about Voldemort being defeated? That is WHACK, man. He's so trippin'! Literally!
--Posted by daddylusciouslocks

Subj: Yeah
I see what you mean. I was never really on Voldemort's side, you know.
--Posted by wormtail77

Subj: WHUT??
Liar, liar, robes on fire!
--Posted by daddylusciouslocks

Subj: Meh
Am not!
--Posted by wormtail77

Subj: Re: Meh
Are too!
--Posted by daddylusciouslocks

Subj: Re: Re: Meh
--Posted by worm tail 77

Subj: Re: Re: Re: Meh
Are TOO!
--Posted by daddylusciouslocks

Subj: Excuse me
Gosh, people, this is your cellmate Biff speaking, and your ten minute time slot in the internet café is over. It's my turn now! And if you still don't get off, allow me to remind you that I'm in here for cannibalism.
--Posted by dementorssuck

Subj: I can't believe Lord Voldemort's gullibility!
Seriously, how could he possibly think that I could ever find him attractive? As of tomorrow, I'm changing my screen name to "thecorpsebrideHBC"-- I might cause myself to vomit if I stick to this one much longer. In any case, it's nice to finally give up this ridiculous charade.
--Posted by xvoldyistehhotnessx

Subj: Whatever
I honestly couldn't care less about Bellatrix winning the award over me… really… I mean it… ONGZWHYWHYWHY!!1??11!?1?!1!?
--Posted by hbpmaster

Subj: Re: Whatever
Tsk, tsk, Snape, you don't want your PI accreditation to be taken away after a post like that, do you?
--Posted by thedarklord666 (repossessed by Harry Potter)

Subj: Party?
The POWER RANGERS are coming to your party? Can I come?
--Posted by prettynpureblood

Subj: Re: Party?
Never in a million years.
--Posted by thedarklord666 (repossessed by Harry Potter.)

Subj: Re: Re: Party
I'll bribe you! I know Natalie Portman's myspace!
--Posted by prettynpureblood

Subj: Re: Re: Re: Party
You're invited!
--Posted by thedarklord666 (repossessed by Harry Potter.)

Subj: Good man!
Harry, I'm proud of you for kicking some serious… astrological phenomenon… while I was doing important business for the Order (read as: chillaxin' in Bermuda), so I'm going to entrust you with the latest Marauder secret. I'll email it to you… but make sure no one else sees it, especially Dudley. This particular secret has to do with how I achieved my status as a chick magnet, but remember-- with great power comes great responsibility.
--Posted by siriuslynotdeadyet1

Subj: Tear
I can't believe this blog is over! I'll miss it so much!
--Posted by SchmergTheImpaler

All hail before the almighty Dark Lord Snoogerblossom, my new alias! Never again shall impudent children cross me, for I have power unlimited!
I bet you didn't even think about who bought Voldemort's magic off of eBay. Well, it was me! Argus Filch! And now, I'll be making a lot of changes around Hogwarts Castle…
--Posted by hellokitty3982

Subj: Ebay
--Posted by sparklediva00

(Author's Note: Well, that's the end!... OR IS IT?!)