O.K, first off I want to say a huge sorry for not updating any of my stories for so long. But real life got in the way, especially school and tests, and so I couldn't sit down and write like I wanted to. But now that I am free from school, always a good thing, I will try to get all of my stories updated more frequently. Thanks to everyone who has stuck with this story so far, and I hope that this chapter doesn't disappoint.

I was going to say that Ray may be out of character in this chapter, but considering the subject matter of the story I don't really think there is a way that he should be acting.

Lyrics for this chapter are from "Issues" by Sick Puppies.


Chapter Thirteen – Feeling Nothing

Turn the page
I've been hiding,
Drowning,
I've been running,
Starving,
I've been feeling nothing


Ray and Abby were sitting in a booth in a greasy spoon diner that was down the street slightly, drinking coffee, although Ray wished that it was something stronger. Abby had told Luka what had happened while Ray was changing into a pair of scrubs, his clothes soaked from the rain, and Luka had said that they should both go on a break. Of course Abby hadn't told Ray about her talk with Luka, she knew that wouldn't go down to well with him at the moment and didn't want to upset him any further than he already was. Looking at him she felt her heart break. He looked exhausted, dark rings under his eyes, and he was a lot thinner. She knew that Neela had said that the fact that he wasn't dealing with it, that he was trying to pretend it had never happened, was beginning to take toll on him physically, but she hadn't noticed until just then. Looking at him at that moment she realized how young he looked, and it made what he was going through all the worse. He was staring out the window at the rain that was falling, and she wandered what it was that was going through his head. No doubt it was about his father, Neela and the fact that they thought he wasn't coping with everything. Seeing him looking so broken, Abby felt the motherly urge in her to comfort him, and reached across the table, setting her hand on top of his.

Jumping slightly at the contact, lost in his own thoughts, Ray turned his head towards Abby, a sad smile on his face.

"Hey…zoned out for a minute there" Abby said with a small laugh, trying to lighten the mood slightly.

"Sorry, I was just thinking…" Ray trailed off, Abby squeezing his hand slightly. Glancing at the clock on the wall, Ray looked back at Abby as he said,

"We should probably be getting back anyway…I don't think Luka will appreciate it if we stay here for the rest of the shift"

Just as Ray made a move to get up, Abby said suddenly,

"No!" Earning a puzzled look from Ray at her sudden outburst. Smiling at him, trying to cover up what she had just done, Abby said, "It's fine, we can stay a bit longer…I'll get us another coffee"

This time it was Ray who stopped Abby from getting up from the table as he said in a low voice,

"You told him" referring to Luka. He knew that County was usually busy on nights with bad weather, the homeless trying to find a reason to come inside for the warmth, and so Luka wouldn't want to be down two residents.

Sitting back down, Abby went to reach for Ray's hand, taken aback when he pulled his hand away from her, and said,

"Honey, I was just trying to help"

Going through everything in his mind, the fact that Luka might have told Neela or even Kerry, that they might not want him to work for longer, all of the endless scenarios that were flashing through his mind, Ray said in a whisper, his eyes looking at the table and not Abby,

"You said you wouldn't say anything"

Feeling terrible that she had betrayed Ray's trust, and at a time when he needed it the most, Abby bit her lip before saying,

"I know…but I want to help you Ray, you're not-", before she could even finish, Ray cut her off as he half shouted, drawing the attention of a few of the other diners in the café,

"Don't say I'm not coping!"

Standing up, and ignoring Abby's plea for him to sit back down, Ray walked to the door and out onto the street, immediately getting soaked by the rain as it began to fall heavier than it had been. Walking out behind him, Abby shouted after him,

"Ray, will you come back here please!" as she watched him making his way back to the hospital.

Turning around to look at her, Ray took a step onto the road, hoping that if he was in the hospital then maybe she would drop the subject, as he said,

"Abby, I'm fine"

Of course he didn't see the car coming around the corner, although Abby did, rushing forward and grabbing his arm, pulling him to her as the car drove past it's horn blaring at Ray. Feeling her own heart thundering in her chest, knowing that if she had been just one second slower...she didn't even want to think about it. Not letting go of Ray's arm, Abby looked at him with sympathetic eyes as she stated,

"You're not fine Ray"

Letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding, feeling his heart returning to it's normal pace, Ray turned his head away slightly as he said in a defeated tone, his voice barely above a whisper,

"I know"

Back in the ER, Ray was sitting in the lounge waiting for Abby. She had told him to wait there while she went and did something, not telling him what it was. Although he had a pretty good idea he knew from the look on her face when she said it. He knew that he couldn't argue with her after what had happened outside. She was probably going to tell Weaver that he had tried to do walk out in front of the damn car on purpose…although with the way he was feeling at the moment, and what he knew was coming he didn't think that was such a bad idea.

Walking over to Luka, Abby said in a hushed voice,

"Can I talk to you in private?" indicating to one of the empty exam rooms, knowing that it wasn't exactly a subject to be talked about in the middle of the admit desk.

Closing the door behind him, Luka watched Abby as she ran a hand through her hair before turning to face him as she said,

"He's not fine Luka…he's far from fine"

Nodding his head, Luka ran his hand over his neck as he said,

"Did he saw something to you?"

Shaking her head, Abby let out a humorless laugh as she said,

"I wish he had…it was more of what he didn't say. You can tell he just keeps thinking about what happened and it's eating away at him…he nearly got knocked down because he's so caught up in his thoughts about!" Abby half shouted, not able to get the image out of her head.

Eyes widening in shock, Luka walked over to Abby, putting his hands on her shoulders to calm her down as he said,

"Listen, I'll talk to Kerry, see what she suggests we do…you and Ray both go home"

Nodding her head, knowing that Ray would hate the fact that they were going behind his back, but also knowing that it was the only way to help him, Abby pulled Luka into a quick hug, kissing him gently on the lips before saying,

"O.K, I'll see you at home"

After Abby had left Luka had went up to Kerry's office, hoping that she would maybe know what to do. Knocking on the door to her office, Luka pushed the door open slightly, poking his head around the corner as he said,

"Can we talk?"

Nodding her head, Kerry set down the papers she had been looking at, and waited until Luka had shut the door to say,

"I take it this is about Ray?", although her voice had a somewhat sympathetic tone to it, something that many of the staff at County General never heard.

Taking a seat in front of Kerry's desk, Luka nodded his head as he said,

"Yes"


Pulling up outside Ray and Neela's apartment building, Abby turned her head to look at Ray. He was looking out the window, just as he had in the diner, and once again he was trapped in his own thoughts. Turning off the engine, Abby touched her hand to Ray's arm, getting his attention, and he turned to look at her.

"Listen Ray…I'm sorry that I-" Abby started, but Ray stopped her with a shake of his head as he said softly,

"Don't be…you were just trying to help…I'm the one who should be sorry for blowing up at you like that"

Smiling at him, glad that he wasn't mad at her, or at least he didn't appear to be, Abby pulled him into a hug. Not yet releasing him from the embrace, Abby said in a soft whisper,

"We just want to help Ray, and if you ever need to talk, you know you have me, don't you?" she paused a moment before asking, "Can I come up to the apartment?"

Ray knew exactly what that meant; she was going to tell Neela. As much as he wanted to say, No, you can't, and you can't tell Neela either, he knew that she would find out eventually. Of course after Neela found out he knew that it was going to get worse, and the thought made his head spin. Closing his eyes against the tears he felt pooling at the bottom of his eyes, Ray nodded his head, afraid to speak.

Pulling back slightly, Abby kissed Ray on the cheek before letting him out of her embrace and getting out of the car, knowing she couldn't say anything to make him feel any better.

"I'll call tomorrow and sort things out" Kerry said to Luka as folded her hands in front of her.

Nodding his head, not entirely sure about the whole thing, Luka asked,

"Are you sure about this Kerry; is it really the best thing?"

Nodding her head, Kerry replied,

"Yes Luka. He needs help and this is the only way that I can see him getting help"


A/N – O.K, I hope that you liked it…and again, sorry for the lack of Neela, but she will be in the next chapter! And I bet a few of you may be wondering what Kerry is talking about, right? *evil laugh*