A/N - Thank you to everyone who read the last chapter and those of you who reviewed, I was glad to see that you liked it. I want to first say that there will only be a few more chapters of this story, maybe four or five. But that's just because I feel that this story is coming to an end and if I try to write it for much longer then I'm afraid that I might ruin it.
The lyrics from the start of this chapter are from "Lost and Lonely" by The Rasmus.
I watch as you sleep
Your nightmares break the silence
I can tell that you're in too deep
Chapter Fourteen – Lost and Lonely
Pushing his key into the lock, Ray opened the door, the sound of The Clash filling the room. A smile graced his face for a moment at the thought, Neela a secret rocker at heart, before it fell away again, the reality of what was going to happen coming crashing down around him. Stepping aside and letting Abby in, Ray closed the door behind her.
The sound of the door clicking shut alerted Neela to his presence, and she turned from her seat on the couch to look at him, a smile on her face as she immediately stood and walked over to him. Looking at Abby, who she hadn't noticed at first, Neela's smile faltered slightly, her confusion setting in as she wondered what Abby was doing there.
"Hey Abby, what are you doing here?"
Glancing at Ray, whose eye's were cast downwards, Abby said,
"I just wanted to talk", knowing that Neela would know the reason behind her visit now, the worried look on her face showing just that. Looking up at Ray, Neela said in a soft voice,
"Ray…" hoping that maybe he would say something, convince her that what she was thinking was wrong. Should I have let him get his own way and go back to work? Was it all too soon?
Looking at her, Ray said flatly,
"I'm gonna take a shower" walking past her and dropping his coat over the back of the couch before going into the bathroom and locking the door, leaving Neela to look after him, her eyes burning with tears.
Swiping her hand across her eyes, Neela turned back to Abby as she asked,
"What happened?" sitting down on the couch, Abby beside her.
Abby told Neela the whole story, watching as Neela's face slowly crumpling and a few tears falling down her face.
"I thought that going back to work would help…getting back to normal, you know" Neela said as she wiped her hand across her eyes. Running her hand through her hair, she looked at Abby as she asked in a quiet voice,
"What I am supposed to do?"
Looking back to make sure that Ray wasn't coming, Abby looked at Neela as she blew out a breath and said,
"Luka's talking to Kerry. He's going to see what she thinks and then we'll go from there"
Closing the door behind him, Ray walked over to the sink, almost as if he was on autopilot, and pulled the razor from the cabinet out. Turning it over in his hand, watching the silver blades catch the light, Ray lifted it to his arm, drawing the blade across. He wasn't thinking, of course he wasn't. Neela would see what he had done…but he had to wonder if he wanted her to. Did he want her to see that he wasn't dealing with it, that it was eating him apart? Throwing the blade into the sink, Ray stripped his clothes off, leaving them in a pile on the floor.
Stepping into the shower, Ray put the water on as hot as he knew he could stand it, still feeling cold from sitting up on the roof in the rain for so long. Stepping under the warm spray, Ray closed his eyes as he let it wash over him, feeling himself burn all over as the warmth of the water made contact with his cool skin. Hearing the faint sound of Abby and Neela talking in the living room, but not being able to make out what it was they were saying, Ray felt tears burning the back of his eyes, both in shame for what he was putting Neela through and anger at himself. Pushing his fists into his eyes, Ray tried to stop the tears he didn't want to shed from falling, sliding down the wall of the shower cubicle as he realized that he had just destroyed the best thing he had.
There was no way that Neela would want to be with him anymore, and he knew that he would never find another woman he loved as much as he loved her. Who can blame her though, I'm fucked up…she deserves better
Hearing the sound of the front door shutting, guessing that Abby had just left, Ray pushed himself off the floor of the cubicle and quickly got washed before getting out of the shower and wrapping a towel around his waist.
"Ray" Neela called from the other side of the door.
"I'll be out in a minute" Ray called back.
"O.K, I'll wait in the bedroom for you" Neela replied before walking away from the door. After Abby had left all she had wanted to do was talk to Ray, see what he had to say about what had happened earlier that night.
Getting dressed into a pair of black sweats and a grey band t-shirt, as well as a hoodie to hide his arm, Ray threw his clothes and towels into the hamper, a habit he had been forced to pick up after Neela had started living with him, Ray opened the bathroom door and made his way to the bedroom.
Pushing the door open, Ray saw that Neela was sitting on the bed with his legs crossed at the ankles in front of her, a book in her lap. She wasn't really reading it, couldn't. She was too preoccupied listening to hear when Ray was coming.
"Hey" She said gently as he walked in and sat on the bed. She noted however that it was near the bottom at the other side of the bed to her.
Giving her a weak smile back, Ray ran his hand over the back of his neck before dropping his hand to his lap as he said quietly, his eyes looking at the duvet,
"So I take it Abby told you then?"
Nodding her head, a silence spread over the room, neither knowing what to say. After a few moments the silence was broken as Neela moved so that she was sitting on her knees and closer to Ray.
"I want you to talk to me Ray"
Shaking his head slightly, Ray turned his head away from her. Putting her hand on his face, Neela forced him to look at her as she said,
"Ray, you nearly got yourself killed…I just want you to let me in"
Swallowing the lump in his throat, Ray bowed his head, a tear falling from his eye as he did. Closing his eyes, Ray whispered,
Fighting back her own tears, knowing that she had to be there for Ray, Neela put her hand on Ray's back as she said,
"You have nothing to be sorry for Ray…what you're father did-", but was cut off by Ray as he pulled his head up to look at her, tears still falling from his eyes as he shook his head and said, "No…" before pulling back the sleeve of his hoodie, closing his eyes so he didn't have to see her reaction.
Looking down at his arm, Neela moved her hand from his back, gently wrapping her fingers around his arm, trying to get a better look at the cut. It wasn't deep, so she wasn't worried that he had done any serious physical damage…but that wasn't really the damage she was worried about.
"Ray…why did you do this?" She asked, a tear falling down her own cheek.
Opening his eyes to look at her, Ray shrugged his shoulders slightly as he cried,
"I don't know…it helped…"
Turning his face away from hers, Ray repeated,
Wrapping her arms around him and pulling him to her, Neela kissed him on the cheek before saying,
"Don't say your sorry Ray; it's not your fault"
Two hours later and Neela was lying in bed beside Ray, watching him as he slept. Reaching her hand out she ran her thumb gently over his cheek, hoping that soon everything would be better and they could get on with their lives, together.
A/N – Well, I hope that you liked this chapter, and please let me know what you think! Good, bad, ugly?