In which the characters, both greater and lesser known, of Disney's Darkwing Duck wrestle with the ultimate question—

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Darkwing: What?! Do you know who I am? I'm Darkwing Duck, the Terror that Flaps! I have a city to protect—I don't have time to fiddle with the question of some foolish fowl's fickle freeway frolic!

Launchpad: You mean that bump just then was a chicken? Uh oh. Looks like I'm gonna be cleaning feathers out of the Ratcatcher's radiator tonight….

Morgana: Oh dear, my magic must have gone wrong again. It was supposed to be pudding, not a chicken.

Gosalyn: Who cares about looking both ways for cars when you're an undead zoooooombie chicken, ooh! [wiggles fingers creepily]

Honker: If my calculations are correct, and according to my calculations they are, my calculations would indicate that the chicken….

Gizmoduck: Was it jaywalking? Did it litter? Gizmoduck away!

Steelbeak: Dis supposed to be some kinda lame ethnic joke or somethin'?

Ammonia Pine: It did? Which road? Where is it now? Oh Stee-eelie….

Grizlikoff: Where is official request to cross road submitted in triplicate? Is severe violation! Chicken does not follow correct SHUSH procedure!

Dr. Sarah Bellum: If the chicken goes below fifty miles per hour it will explode. Just kidding.

J. Gander Hooter: That chicken is an agent of FOWL and is a threat to global security. It must be stopped at all costs.

Negaduck: A chicken? Where's my chainsaw?!

Little lost bunny: Naughty chicken! Musn't cwoss woad without appwopwiate adult supervision.

Negaduck: A cute little lost bunny? Where's my chainsaw?!

Jumbalaya Jake: You city folk think you know about chickens? Hoo boy! Lemme tell you 'bout chicken to make your mouth water, I guar-on-tee. There's Cajun chicken, fried chicken, broiled chicken, roast chicken, chicken with shrimp, chicken with jumbo shrimp….

Liquidator: Who needs an expensive high-calorie chicken diet when you can drink my sparkling crystal Pure Flood Mountain Magic? Healthy and refreshing, for the amazingly low price of one million dollars a bottle. Ah, it's gooooood….

Lobster women: The chicken is cool! We think it's great! It may be just a chicken but it's first rate! Doo-wahhh….

Bushroot: A chicken? Ooh, I hope it's not a plant-eater.

Darkwing: Only that wuss Bushroot would think to be scared of a chicken.

Bushroot: Hey! You're mean, Darkwing!

Jumbalaya Jake: …chicken kebab, chicken salad, chicken with Grammy Whammy's super-double-extraordinary secret sauce, chicken and dumplings, chicken and….

Quackerjack: I was wondering where my Wacky Exploding Rubber Chicken™ was.

Mr. Banana Brain: [vacant grin]

Prina Lott: That chicken was a dweeb in high school and it's still a dweeb. Go on, Ham, tweak its beak!

Ham String: Oh goody!

Bianca Beakley: I smell big public interest. If we cover this chicken issue, my reputation will be restored and that whole Bug Master fiasco will be history. Muh-haw-haw-haw….

Brain-sucking alien hat: This chicken will make the perfect host. No one ever suspects the chicken! We will use it to take over this backwater planet and defeat the Gurdist revolutionaries for once and for all! HAH-ha-ha-HAH!!

Splatter Phoenix: The Chicken is an avian devoid of flight, a Jungian paradox representative of the Artist's predicament under the creative shackles of current bourgeois culture. We must invoke the latent anarchy in our souls and strive to free our inner Chicken from the dictatorship of the so-called societal norm.

Stegmutt: Wait, Mr. Chicken! You forgot your change!

Neptunia: What's the matter with you land dwellers? Instead of dealing with important issues like the environment and pollution, you're talking about some chicken!

Taurus Bulba: Ah yesss, the chicken. The little girl will not talk, but if I have the chicken, I will have the code.

Hammerhead Hannigan: [to Hoof and Mouth] You idiots, you were supposed to kack the chicken yesterday!

Herb Muddlefoot: Dadgum chicken made me miss "Pelican's Island", consarn it.

Binky Muddlefoot: Oh my, it must be new to the neighborhood! We should invite the chicken over for dinner tonight. I'll go thaw out the pot roast.

Moliarty: I'm not concerned about the daily activities of some surface-dwelling chicken, you nitwits.

Tuskernini: The chicken suffers the gibes and ridicule of a philistine world…like me, its genius is misunderstood, viewed with contempt….[a mournful accompaniment by penguins on violins]

Jumbalaya Jake: …chicken a la king, chicken soup, barbecued chicken, grilled chicken….

Negaduck: Three really annoying villains that nobody likes or cares about? Where's my chainsaw?! [is suddenly hit in the face with a pie]

Little Running Gag: [waves and scoots off in a zigzag pattern]

Megavolt: That my assistant, Little Running Gag. [giggles madly]

Darkwing: Uh, very funny, Megs, but what does that have to do with the chicken?

Megavolt: Chicken? What chicken?

Darkwing Duck and the characters therein are all copyright Disney. This particular list of DW characters' responses to the infamous chicken joke is copyright The Lauderdale (cartoon6@hotmail.com), July of 2001. I did not come up with the original concept of character-based responses to the chicken joke, though I am the first to attempt it with the DW cast. I recommend that everyone try this for purposes of recreation and philosophical enjoyment. I do not, however, pretend that it is healthy.

So…why did the chicken cross the road?

Tad Stones: Because I'm the producer and I say it did.

That's good enough for me. Goodnight everybody!