Dearest Little Brother

By: Abbandon and DarlingMalfunction

Rating: T

Words: 1,637

Note: A sequel to "Go to Bed, Sasuke!" Please read that first please?

Summary: Sasuke had been waiting for this day a long time. The day when his brother would return.


Lackey #1: Kakashi! Is it true that Itachi Uchiha is...

Kakashi: Shh...

Sasuke: Did you...just say...Itachi Uchiha?

Kakashi: No no! He said It-nanneanan-hehaw

Sasuke: So you're trying sound like a donkey?

Kakashi: Yes, actually, it is quite common these days.

Lackey #2: Really? Because that sounded a lot like you said Itachi Uchiha. Who is in town, by the way.

Kakashi: Lackey # 2, SHUT...up.

Sasuke: ...What?

Lackey #2: Yeah, Itachi Uchiha. Ya know, the one who killed his entire family in the course of one night. The missing nin? Yeah, him.

Kakashi: And where prêt ell did you see him?

Lackey #2: At the drinking fountain on the northeast side of town. It seems to be one of the least touched areas from Orochimaru's PMS-ing.

Kakashi: We...have a drinking fountain?

Lackey #2: Duh Kakashi. It is one of the only perks we have left.

Kakashi: Does it let you drink fruit punch?

Lackey #2
: No..

Kakashi: Then it's not a perk...

Sasuke: Can we get back to the Itachi thing?

Lackey #2: Oh yeah. Him. He seemed to be ringing when he passed me. Does he wear bells? And...nail polish? Was that common for him?

Kakashi: Not...that I know of.

Lackey #2: Hey, now I remember. He only let one live.

Kakashi: That's why I told you to shut up in the first place.

Lackey #2: What? It's not like he's...oh. That's the brother right there, isn't it? You know, you and your brother look a lot alike.

Kakashi: Holy shit, you do have some sort of brain up there. I was worried for a second.

Lackey #2: You should be more worried for him. He looks constipated. Is he okay?

Sasuke: (twitching)

Kakashi: No. it's his trigger word. You said Itachi. When the trigger word is spoken, his bodily functions cease. This could include breathing. Check to see if he's breathing.

Lackey #1: (goes to check but...)

Sasuke: Get away from me! Don't you understand this is the whole reason why I'm such a bastard and an emo kid?

Kakashi: I always wondered. I thought it might be, but I wasn't sure. And I wasn't about to ask you.

Lackey #1: I think I just heard some more bells.

Itachi: That would be right.


Itachi: Oh! It's my little brother! Come hither little brother! I haven't seen you in so long!

Sasuke: Did you totally forget what happened when you left?

Itachi: Wait...what was it? Didn't I teach you that shuriken thing?

Sasuke: No, I had to teach myself that. And, wait, YOU CAN'T REMEMBER?

Itachi: Not at all actually.

Kisame: (whispers)

Itachi: Oh, that. Yeah. That was one of my finer moments.

: You prick.

Lackey #2: Did he just say that he liked killing his parents?

Kakashi: I think he did.

: What the hell happened here. It looks like a shit hole.

Sasuke: Well, maybe if you weren't such a prick and didn't, ya know, KILL MOM AND DAD, then maybe you could've helped us clean up a bit.

Itachi: That still doesn't explain why all the buildings are falling to pieces.

Sasuke: You can thank your good buddy, Orochimaru.

Itachi: (turns to Kisame) Since when were we friends?

Kisame: (shrugs)

: He seemed to know a lot about our family. And has some strange obsession with molesting me. He's evil. You're evil. I thought you guys met and had a sake party talking about how much more you guys could screw with my life?

Itachi: Oh dearest little brother, this may be a shock since pretty much all the girls seem to have their worlds revolving around you, but you really aren't the center of the universe.

Sasuke; Wait, I'm not?

Itachi: No. No, Sasuke, you're not.

Sasuke: But, still.

Itachi: Well, I never told him anything about our family.

Kisame: (whispers)

Itachi: Ah. He was stalking you ever since the little incident. You know, the one where I allegedly killed our parents. People say that like its bad thing.

Sasuke: Okay. That's enough. Who is this creepy fish mofo talking to you?

Kisame: (pouts)

Itachi: (pats Kisame's back) It's okay. He didn't mean it, DID YOU SASUKE?

Sasuke: Yes I did.

Itachi: Stop hurting his feelings. You don't even know his name.

Sasuke: So? He's still a creepy fish mofo.

Kisame: (starts to cry)

Itachi: Okay, Sasuke. You're pushing me to that limit where I have the urge to kill you more violently than I did mom and dad.

Sasuke: Who would've known you, of all people Itachi, have limits? Ass.

Itachi: You know the more you call me that...

Sasuke: Yes, yes, I know. Your ego grows.

Kakashi: So, this creepy fish mofo strokes your ego?

Itachi: I'm sorry; did I just hear the wind blow?

Kakashi: Oh, hell to the no! You can't ignore me Itachi.

Itachi: Oh yes I can.

Kakashi: Ha ha! You just heard me!

Itachi: Damnit.

Kakashi: I am an elite Jounin.

Itachi: So am I.

Kakashi: No you're not.

Itachi: Yes, I am. Did you forget who your ANBU squad leader was way back when? And I was thirteen.

Sasuke: Wait, you were Kakashi's squad leader? (turns to Kakashi) He was your superior, and you didn't tell me?!?!

Kakashi: Well, I didn't want to really bring up Itachi's name. I don't feel like dealing with your emoness more than I have to.

Sasuke: Fuck you, sensei.

Itachi: Sasuke...language...

Sasuke: FUCK YOU!

Itachi: My my, Kakashi, is my little brother picking up bad language from you and those...books?

Kakashi: No, actually, it was the fox boy.

Kisame: (whispers)

Itachi: Oh yeah. He was the one I came here for.

Sasuke: Way to make me feel important.

Itachi: What? You hate me.

Sasuke: And your point is?

Itachi: I thought I made that point quite clear when I killed mom and dad. I don't like my family.

Sasuke: Ouch.

Itachi: The truth hurts, Sasuke. It's not like I hated you as much as I hated everyone else. I mean, I carried you on my back for god sakes. I could've killed you by snapping your juvenile neck. Or I could've slit your throat. I would've actually given you the choice. Look how nice I am!

Kakashi: You have a major screw loose.

Itachi: At least I don't read porno everyday of my life.

Kakashi: Well, I also watch boobies.

Itachi: Point proven.

Sasuke: Forget that Kakashi has a porno problem for a moment.

Itachi: Well, he had to open his mouth. Nothing intelligent ever comes out of that mouth.

Kakashi: Itachi...ugh!

Itachi: He can't even formulate a sentence. Again, point proven.


Sasuke: I did...well...yeah. I did.

Kakashi: Don't interrupt me when I'm on a role. Ahem. GO BACK TO YOUR CULT!

Itachi: Oh my fucking god! It is not a cult! You guys are just close minded and jealous of our superior ninja skills. HAIL HITLER!

Sasuke: Itachi just swoooooore. Kakashi...Itachi just...

Kakashi: I'm not your parent.

Sasuke: You act like a dad to fucking Naruto.

Kakashi: No, Iruka acts like Naruto's dad.

Lackey #2: More like his mom. He buys the kid underwear for god sake.

Itachi: What sort of perverse ninja system do you have going here now? I never got a surrogate dad.

Kakashi: You never asked, and from the looks of it, you never wanted one.

Itachi: Probably.

Kakashi: Naruto's father died when he was born, being all heroic and saving the village from the kyu...

Lackey #2: Hey!

Kakashi: Oh yeah. I can't talk about that in this part of the series. Sorry.

Sasuke: Oh fuck no. Naruto's dad is not the 4th...

Kakashi: (covers Sasuke's mouth) Can't talk about it...


Kakashi: What the fuck did I just say?!

Sasuke: You say that a lot, Kakashi.

Kakashi: That's because you guys never listen to me.

: Because, you are stupid.

Kakashi: Shut up Itachi...!

Itachi: Go read your little porno books.

Kakashi: I just might do that.

Itachi: Well I must really be going to get what I came here for.

Sasuke: What, a free hooker?

Itachi: No, the 4th's...

Kakashi: (from far away) Shut up. You can't say that...yet. Wait until the time skip.

: You know what Kakashi…..

Sasuke: He's long gone Itachi…

Itachi: I've had enough lip from you…

Sasuke: Oh, you haven't even had near enough the verbal abuse you deserve from me.

Itachi: Wow that happened so long ago. Can you just let it go? Holy hell. You hold such nasty grudges. That's not an attractive quality little brother.

Sasuke: (fuming with anger) I will bite your legs off.

Itachi: How crude, little brother.

Kisame: (whispers)

Itachi: Ah, yes. You are quite right Kisame. Sasuke, Kisame notices you are, repressing something. Do you honestly hate me?

Sasuke: Yes. Yes I do.

Itachi: Oh come on. No you don't. I'm too pretty to hate.

Sasuke: No. I hate you.

Kisame: (whispers)

Itachi: You are so wise Kisame. Kisame says that you really should just stop this here and now, or he and I will be required to take brute force against you.

Sasuke: Listen here, creepy fish mofo, stop telling my brother what to do.

Kisame: Oh? You're actually acknowledging him as your brother now?

Sasuke: Holy SHIT, it talks….

Kisame: (sighs and whispers to Itachi)

Itachi: Oh, Sasuke, littlest brother Sasuke….

Sasuke: Don't pull that crap with me, I'm your ONLY brother.

Itachi: Just tell me where the fox boy is….dearest little brother.

Kisame: (chuckles)

Sasuke: Look, creepy fish mofo, YOU ARE NOT A PART OF THIS!

Itachi: Oh well, now he is. I adopted him into our clan.

Sasuke: …..What?

Kisame: (dances with joy)

: (smiles) What joy!

Sasuke: I have to warn Naruto! (runs to go find Naruto)

Itachi: (sighs) Some ninja he is turning out to be. All I have to do is FOLLOW him.

Kisame: (smirks and nods)

Itachi: (sigh) Tsk tsk, little brother, tsk tsk.


DarlingMalfunction's Commentary: Ha! This was much fun as was "Go to Bed, Sasuke!" to write. Abbandon and I, I suppose, have this ritual now of writing these small parodies whenever she comes over to my house. See what happens when you run on nothing but caffeine? Yes, good things happen. I hope you enjoyed this as much as "Go to bed, Sasuke!" We are in the process of at least two more parodies and/or random crap that springs to our minds when we have nothing better to do (well, we do have other stuff to do, just not necessarily better). Read, Enjoy, and Review pretty please?

Also, please note for those who can't take a joke, this is for entertainment purposes only. It's a joke. Get a sense of humor, por favor?