Disclaimer: Naruto is not my toy, although sometimes I wish it was. Everyone you meet here belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, I just borrow them, occasionally.

Author's Note: I had to stop writing angst, and I'm right in the middle of failing to write porn, so I figured I'd throw down some humour to lighten things up.

Warnings: Expletives and crossdressing!Genma.


Yuugao stared at Hayate in absolute disgust as he held up what he thought was a rather sexy leopard print dress.

"I do not wear leopard print. It's sleazy." She crossed her arms and sniffed dismissively.

"What?" He was sure he hadn't heard her properly. He adored leopard print, to the point that one of these days, he was going to get sheets in it.

"You heard me. No leopard print." She glared at him until he put the dress back on the rack and followed her further into the store.


A few months later...

Genma and Hayate were standing in the fabric store, looking for curtain fabric. Yuugao had decided that hanging a bedsheet over her window was way too ghetto, and she wanted real curtains, but she wasn't going to pick them out.

Hayate was examining some satiny butterfly prints. "I wish she'd given me a clue. I don't understand women at all -- it's like they expect you to be psychic."

Pulling down a bolt of cloth for a closer look, Genma laughed. "They do expect you to be psychic, man. Why do you think I like you better? You're not crazy, and you don't usually demand the impossible."

"Hey, now! I don't --" Hayate noticed what Genma was holding. "Oh, hell no." cough "Put that back. She'll kill me."

"I thought you liked leopard print." Genma looked confused as he looked between the bolt of cloth and his suddenly disturbed companion.

"I love leopard print. You, of all people," cough "should know that." Hayate grinned lecherously. "However, she hates leopard print, and will hang my ass on --" cough "-- the wall for a trophy if I dare to bring any into her house."

"Fuck. That's not useful." Genma put the bolt of cloth back on the shelf. "What about the bamboo pattern? That's pretty neutral."

"It's also 1100¥ a metre. I mean, I love her and all, but if she --" cough "-- hates it, I can't return it." Hayate shook his head, and they moved on to the next aisle of cloth.


A few months later...

They were standing in Genma and Hayate's living room, and Yuugao was off on another rant about leopard print. "I can't understand why anyone would wear it! It just screams 'look at me! I'm a cheap whore!'"

Genma cleared his throat. "Ah, Yuugao-chan, would you call me a cheap whore?"

Yuugao stopped, mid-rant, and turned a stunned expression on Genma. "What does that have to do with anything? I might call you a tease, but not a cheap whore... why?"

Hayate started to laugh and clapped both hands over his mouth to stifle the manic giggle that threatened to spill out. Genma smiled mysteriously. "You know, I happen to own a brilliant leopard print mini-dress, and I look damned good in it. Even Asuma says so."

Yuugao looked as if she wasn't certain if the senbon-chewing jounin was joking. "No. You don't. You're so full of shit, Genma."

"Go look in my closet," he invited, opening the door to his bedroom. Hayate collapsed onto the floor, laughing and coughing.

Yuugao looked at both of them suspiciously before raising her head imperiously and walking into Genma's bedroom. "White hanger, about a third of the way in from the left side of the closet," Genma called after her.

A horrified squeal emanated from the bedroom a few minutes later. "You know, I really hope she's found your dress and not my boxers... I told her we weren't ... you know..." Hayate muttered, blushing.

"For your sake, I hope so, too," Genma whispered back as Yuugao fled the bedroom with the dress in her hand and a horrified grimace on her face.

"This is made of spandex. You ... in spandex ... in public?" She completely fumbled the question in her stunned horror, but Genma knew what she meant to ask.

He took the dress from her and peeled off his shirt, dropping it on Hayate's head. "Yes, as a matter of fact. Me. In spandex -- leopard print spandex. In public," he stated, blandly, pulling on the mini-dress.

Hayate pulled the shirt off his head and looked up in annoyance just in time to see Genma taking his pants off under the dress. He draped the shirt back over his head for his own safety, not removing it again until the pants hit him.

"Observe," Genma called to them, sliding his hands from the bottom of his ribs to his hips, "I am, in fact, a beautiful queen. And leopard print looks damned good on me."

Hayate was too frightened of Yuugao to say much, at this point, but he definitely agreed. "You know, Kakashi thinks you look great in that, and I've heard Kotetsu threaten to tie you up and take you home to Izumo."

"Mmm-hmm. Because I'm fucking delicious, and it's a well-established fact." He pointed at Yuugao with a smug expression. "The only reason you don't know is that you refuse to come out and play."

Yuugao looked irritated. "Fucking jounin. You're all crazy."

"Pot, meet kettle," offered Hayate, from the floor.

Yuugao kicked him lightly in the head and held out a hand to Genma. "Fine. Give me the dress. I'll try it on, and then I'll tell you exactly how right I am, and how much leopard print is a waste of fabric."

Genma looked down at Hayate as he stripped off the dress and dropped it into her waiting hands. "Aww, Hayate, your girlfriend thinks I'm hot."

"Everything that breathes thinks you're hot, Genma. I just know better than to try my luck with an asexual gay boy," she snapped at him as she stalked off toward the bathroom.

Genma smiled blissfully down at Hayate. "She thinks I'm asexual. I guess that means she didn't see your boxers."

Hayate threw Genma's pants at him, pegging the older jounin in the face. "Shut up! If she hears you she'll kill us both!" he hissed.

Yuugao returned from the bathroom as Genma finished dressing. "I hate you, Genma."

"Everyone hates me. Especially Hayate." He grinned smugly. "What is it you hate me for, this time?"

"I look good in this dress," she complained, glaring at both men. "I hate you so much."

"Mmm, score one for leopard print." Genma stuffed his hands in his pockets and emanated pure superiority. "Just don't let Hayate wear that one. He looks like hell in mini-dresses."

"Hey!" came the irritated squawk from the floor, "How would you know!?"

"Your legs are too hairy, kid. I have seen your legs." He looked at Yuugao and gestured at Hayate with both hands. "Am I right?"

Yuugao shook her head defeatedly. "You're a little too right about a few too many things. Have I mentioned that I hate you?"

Genma nodded cheerfully. "When you're quite through sulking, I'd like my dress back. I promised to freak out Ibiki's new recruits, tonight."

"...fucking hate you..." she snarled under her breath as she stalked back toward the bathroom to change.

"Well, it's not the curtains, but I think she'll give you just a bit less shit about the leopard print boxers." Genma was so smug it was nauseating.

"In about another minute, I'm going to hate you again." Hayate stood up and slipped an arm around Genma. "I'm not sure if I'm going to thank you or kill you in your sleep."