Author note: This is what happens when I have too much spare time on my hands! Hope they aren't too offensive to some people. I have tried to keep them clean, and I hope you enjoy them. More on the way, but only if you want them!


The Doctor to Jack : I'm taking Rose on an African Safari.

Jack : Wow! What would you do if a vicious lion attacked her?

The Doctor : Nothing.

Jack : Nothing? You wouldn't do anything?

The Doctor : Right. Let the stupid lion fend for himself!


Rose went to the police station to report the dissapearance of her husband. The officer in charge looked at the photo she handed him, questioned her then asked if she wished to give the Doctor a message if they found him.

"Yes," she replied readily. "Tell him that my mother didn't come round after all."


Jack to the Doctor : I married Miss Right. I just didn't know that her first name was Always."


After the Doctor dies, Rose goes to the newspaper office to place an obituary. Being short of money she decides on 'Doctor dead, funeral Monday'. Feeling sorry for her, the editor says she can have a few more words free so she changes it to, 'Doctor dead, funeral Monday, TARDIS for sale'.


The Doctor came home one day and told his kids that he had a surprise for them. "Now," he said to them, "I've got some sweets and I'm going to give them to the person who never answers mummy back and always does what they're told. So who's going to get them?"

In unison, the twins said "You are Daddy!"


Jack walks into a pub and asks the landlord, "You got any fish?"

The landlord says "No. This is a pub, we don't sell fish," so Jack leaves. The next day he goes back to the pub and asks, "You got any fish?"

The landlord says, "I told you yesterday. This is a pub, we don't sell fish."

The following day, Jack returns and asks "You got any fish?"

The landlord loses it, grabs Jack by the neck and screams "I TOLD YOU TWICE, THIS IS A PUB! WE DON'T SELL FISH! IF YOU ASK ME AGAIN I'M GOING TO NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR!"

The next day Jack goes into the pub and asks "Got any nails?"

The landlord sighs and says "No, we don't have any nails."

"Good" says Jack, "Got any fish?"


Rose goes to a doctor (not the Doctor, though) and says "Doctor, my friend called Jack limps because his left leg is shorter than his right leg. What would you do in his case?"

"Probably limp too" says the Doc.


Jack walked into a pub one day. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say "You've got great hair!"

Jack looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his drink.

A minute later he heard the same voice say "You're a handsome man!" Jack looked around but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from. When he went back to his drink the voice again said "What a stud you are!"

Jack was so baffled by this that he asked the landlord what was going on. The landlord said "Oh it's the nuts - they're complimentary".


The Doctor and Jack are standing on a cliff with their arms outstretched. The Doctor has budgies lined up on his arms, and Jack has parrots tied to his. After a couple of minutes they leap off the cliff and splat!

Lying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, the Doctor says to Jack "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

Jack replies "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this parrot gliding either."


A Dalek is a Dalek, except when he's facing you. Then he's Mr Dalek.