Title: What I Really Meant to Say
Disclaimer: I don't own them...yet
Song: What I really meant to say by Cyndi Thomson
Archive: ask first
Rating: PG
Summary: hmm... nope
Genre: Angst

Max entered Logan's apartment, climbing down the thin black rope that had
been used a dozen times before when she entered his penthouse unannounced. But this time it was different. It had been almost a year since she had been captured by Manticore. The last time she had seen him, he thought she had died. She had, too. Well she would've, if Renfro hadn't intervened.

She crept around silently, listening for any noise that might catch her attention. But she didn't hear anything. No typing at a computer, no heavy breathing that would indicate sleep, nothing. She walked around a bit and peeked into what had once been his computer room. There was no computer, only a desk, a chair and a notebook. The notebook looked familiar, like she had seen it before, in a dream perhaps. She left it alone and walked through the other rooms in the house. When she got to the kitchen, she paused, caught in a memory or a dream. She then walked over to the refrigerator and opened the door. No leftover remains of a culinary miracle, nor any food for that matter. It was bare.

"Doesn't this guy eat anymore?" She questioned quietly.

Finally, she left and headed over to the place that had been the best thinking spot in all of Seattle, the Space Needle.

Max was about a mile away when she noticed someone walking away from the Needle. She slowed down because the person had a familiarity about him. She zoomed in on the face and realized why. She parked her bike on the side of the street and began to walk toward him. He didn't see her. He seemed to be off in his own little world, lost deep in thought. When she was about twenty feet away she called out,
"Logan!"

There was a flash of an unknown emotion that crossed his face before he looked up.

"Max?" Logan asked quietly. He didn't want to speak too loudly because he might look like an idiot to the bystanders if there was no one there.

"Hey," she said, her face was blank. She didn't want to show any emotion because of how vulnerable that would leave her.

"Hey, yourself," Logan replied, equally indifferent.
"How've you been?" She asked, their lack of words not something she was used to.

"I'm fine," he made an effort to smile, to prove to her that was true. "Is this another vision I'm having, or are you really here? I don't know what to believe because last time I saw you, you were dead."

"I'm here, not for long though. Everybody here thinks that I'm dead and if I suddenly showed up there would be too many questions. I wasn't expecting to see you here, it would be better if I left now." She walked over to her motorcycle and sped off toward the Needle.

Logan walked home, not thinking about where he was actually going. Everything had been automatic since Manticore. He knew nothing would ever be the same. He entered his house, sat down at his desk and began to write.

After the first couple of words had been written down, he scribbled them out and put the pen down.

"How can I write anything when my heart left me, again?" He asked himself. He folded his arms on the table and rested his head on top of them. A couple of minutes passed and he sat up straight again and began to write.

"I hope she's still there." He grabbed his notebook off the desk, stood up and ran down to his car. He raced as quickly as he could to the Space Needle. He took the elevator up and made his way out onto the roof.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked the slender figure that was seated in front of him.

She quickly turned her head to face him as he walked forward and sat down beside her.

"It doesn't matter," she replied turning back to face the city.

"You know how I've got my book of poetry?" He asked.

Curiously she turned back to face him once again. "Yeah, what about it?"

"There's something that I want you to read." He opened up the notebook he had been carrying and turned to the newly written page.

//It took me by surprise
When I saw you standing there
Close enough to touch
Breathing the same air
You asked me how I've been
I guess that's when I smiled and said just fine
Oh but baby, I was lying

What I really meant to say
Is I'm dying here inside
And I miss you more each day
There's not a night I haven't cried
And baby here's the truth
I'm still in love with you
That's what I really meant to say

And as you walked away
The echo of my words
Cut just like a knife
Cut so deep it hurt
I held back the tears
Held onto my pride
And watched you go
I wonder if you'll ever know

What I really meant to say
Is I'm dying here inside
And I miss you more each day
There's not a night I haven't cried
And baby here's the truth
I'm still in love with you

What I really meant to say
Is I'm really not that strong
No matter how I try
I'm still holding on
And here's the honest truth
I'm still in love with you

Yeah, that's what I really meant to say
That's what I really meant to say
That's what I really meant to say//

After she had finished reading the entry, she looked back up at him.

"Why?" she looked at him questioningly, "why did you put yourself through all of this?"

"I didn't want to. When you came into my life, you gave me life. I never thought someone could do that for me. When you died, I didn't know how to respond. I wept for days. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I got rid of my computer because all I could do was pity myself and I didn't want to help anyone anymore. Bling finally made me snap out of it and suggested that I start writing my feelings in a journal to help with the 'healing process'. It helped a little, but the ache never fully went away. There was always a part of me that was missing. The part that was present when you were alive and with me." He stopped to search her eyes for any sign of emotion. What he found was more that he ever thought possible. Love. How could someone who understood him so well and knew his faults love him, even after so long?

"Logan, what they did to me at Manticore was almost too much for me to bear. It would've been, had I not met you. I was only able to withstand the tests they did knowing you'd be here for me when I found a way out. But on my trip back here I didn't think that you would want me to come back. I realize now that was a stupid thing to think. But you thought that I was dead, so I didn't think that you would still be here. And then I saw you, but I didn't really know how to react. And that scared me. So I pretended that I didn't want to stay. I figured that you had already recovered from my absence and that if I showed up again it would be even more painful." She placed her hand on his and waited for him to say something. He turned his hand over to hold hers and began to speak.

"Max, I need you. I'm not going to let you leave. Last time you came back, but I didn't think that I would be so lucky this time. I can't lose you again. That would be more than I could take in this lifetime."

"I need you, too, Logan. And I can't leave knowing what that would do to you." She leaned toward him and they embraced. They held each other for a long time.