Disclaimer: I do not own Digmon nor do I own Ouran High School Host Club. I am just a very obsessive person and read too much for my own good.
Just Us and Them
"Hey, Kouichi, what was your favorite part? You know, your most memorable time in the Digital World?" I paused for an answer, groping through my mind just as I had been doing ever since the question had risen, and it took me a little longer than the others to answer as I spat out:
"Um, I guess it was when I faced Cherubimon and conquered my fears. When I got my True Spirits, that was pretty significant." I muttered and didn't look up at the girl who had asked, knowing that her and the others were probably all looking at me, which made me fidget. I always didn't like the spotlight on me, rather hiding in the safe, comfortable shadows, which I guess made me humble. But it was just that those stares the others were giving me... I knew what was going on in the back of their heads, pitying me and feeling sorry for me about Duskmon, maybe even hating me a little for it. I knew, somewhere deep down, I still hated myself for that, so I really can't blame them, but their stares were bugging me and I ducked my head away a little.
Then, of course, their stares could also be considered probing and calculating, weighing my words as truthful or not. Or maybe I was just interpreting their looks as that, because in reality, I'd just told a small fib. I mean, didn't everyone? No one in our group had an absolute "favorite" time they particularly liked about the Digital World because there were just too many memories! (Well, the others had a lot more memories than me, I guess. I'm okay with what time I spent there, of course.) So, who was really to say that Izumi's only favorite time was when she received her Beast Spirit and got to boast about her ability to control it? Who could tell that it was true when Tomoki said his favorite time was playing with the snowballs, or when Junpei said he really liked when he got to spend some time with Izumi at the Digimon Kindergarten? How could I doubt my own twin when he said he didn't have a favorite memory? No one had one, even if Takuya insisted time and again that his "most, bestest, favoritest, favorite part" was when he got to become EmperorGreymon and kick some Cherubimon behind.
I was no different. I had my preferences on parts, on memories, but I wasn't about to just say that my favorite thing about my time there was being with Kouji. Besides, there were lots of times I spent with Kouji while in the Digital World. It seemed we were always together, even if we weren't literally side-by-side or connected at the hip or anything. Maybe it would have been a more memorable experience for me if we actually were always shoulder-to-shoulder and saying things in chorus and knowing eachother better than we ever would have known ourselves...
I quickly shake my head as Takuya then started up to babble on (and continued to insist about) his "most, bestest, favoritest, favorite part" and I just laughed along with the others, trying to ignore my brother's subtle glances he gave me.
I know the others wouldn't mind if I told them that I really liked spending time with Kouji, and maybe they even expected it, but I just didn't feel well enough to say anything about it aloud. 'Well enough', as in a not-really-close-to-Kouji way. I mean, we were close... but not like read-eachother's-minds, say-things-at-the-same-time way! Not in a twin relation. I sometimes feel jealous about how Takuya and Shinya are closer than maybe even we are. We're twelve and have only known one another for a year... not even going to the same school or even living in the same house. What a pitiful twin brother relation, ne?
Anyway, what all that means is I just don't think that I'd feel comfortable saying that I liked it when it was just us. We barely got to spend time as just us in the Digital World, and even after we got back from the human world, it was usually us as in Takuya, Izumi, Junpei, Tomoki, Kouji and me. It was rare if there ever was a small separation within our group, and even then it wasn't 'us' (Kouji and I) and 'them'. It was 'them' and 'Kouji' and 'me'. Kouji and I were not one and the same, we were opposites, we were light and dark, opposed yet supporting one another and all that. Sometimes I wonder if the only thing we really do share is our identical faces...
Kouji's hand nudges mine and I give him a reassuring smile as his eyes probe me. He's always been protective of me and worried over me since the adventures we shared, and I couldn't blame him in the least. I just wish he didn't have to worry and ask with those dark blue eyes of his, that were so alike mine. I wish he didn't worry and just knew, and that would make it so much easier. So instead of giving me that look of his, that one which I can't help but blame myself and feel guilty over, he could instead give me a pat on the back or grip my hand. And as if he really could read my thoughts like I wanted him to do, his hand tightened slightly around my fingers and I found myself smiling a little more.
But, despite the warmth and the comfort and the strong bond I felt between us, it still wasn't 'our world' and 'their world' because it was always everyone's world, away from reality, when we all sat together. 'We' as in Takuya, Izumi, Junpei, Tomoki, Kouji and me. We all depended on eachother.
My grandmother had mentioned that I was independent before, I remember. 'You're growing up to become a very independent young boy, Kouichi.' I'm not really sure if she just said that for the sake of bringing it to my attention or just to say it or for her own reassurance. My mother agreed; said I'm independent because I grew up that way. Then she blamed herself for not being there to take care of me and I felt guilty afterwards. I sometimes considered myself independent, just because I was usually fending for myself on my own and struggling by myself, for myself. To me, that just made me selfish, though. It was why I made sure to take extra care of Mother, just to make sure I didn't get too selfish while being independent.
I suffered alone, and mom suffered alone. I wish I could have helped, but she was independent, just like me, and maybe I got my independence from her. We suffered alone, together, which sounds strange, but it was true. There wasn't a lot I could do when I felt lonely and Mother was locked away in her room in distress, grandmother out to the store, so I became independent.
Which was why it was new, strange and even a little nerve-racking to finally have someone to depend on. Well, maybe it wasn't just someone. Maybe it was everyone who made me realize I didn't have to go through life alone anymore. I think Kouji had already learned that before he met me.
It was hard to adjust to being dependent, but like Kouji said, "True Darkness must depend on the Light" and ever since, I guess I've grown a little dependent.
I sometimes wonder how my life could have gone if Kouji and I had grown up together. It would be us all the time, and we'd be together at all times and we'd be dependent on eachother for our lives. It would just be 'us' and 'them'.
That's a little how it was when Kouji and I made our departure from the group get-together, hand-in-hand, depending on one another to lead ourselves to Kouji's home. But it wasn't our home because we didn't have a home; not together. It was just me and I was staying at Kouji's house.
"Nii-san, you're really worrying me. You're thinking too hard again." Kouji mutters as we continue down the street, and his unoccupied hand slips into his pocket. I absently wonder if his hand-pocketing habit wouldn't been ruined if I'd been around all his life to hold his hands when they got cold.
"Stop all you're mindless worrying, Kouji! It's so typical of you to worry, and in fact, I think that's all you do!" I roll my eyes at him and swing our hands a little more, not willing to let go.
"Hey! You're so clumsy that it's a miracle that you don't run into poles when I'm not around to watch over you! I have all the rights as your twin to look out for you and protect you and worry about you!" His triumphant smirk he adorned was a bit dramatic and I couldn't help it when I giggled to myself as we continued walking.
"Yeah, but you're the younger twin," I pointed out and Kouji shrugged nonchalantly. Another thing I wonder: if we'd been together all our lives, would I act a little more like an older brother or would Kouji still be this overprotective of me?
"Tch, yeah, by two minutes, Nii-san." I twitch a little at Kouji's relentless nickname and wish that it didn't matter that I was older; I wished that we were so close that he didn't need to call me that.
"Yeah," This time, my voice is light and I stopped swinging our hands. From here, I can see Kouji's grand-looking house, the same place I always snuck off to when I had first learned about my twin, the place that was still new to me. Instead of saying anything, Kouji started swinging our hands again, as if he had been more comfortable with the movement, or was trying to let me know he was still there. Either way, I smiled at him reassuringly, but he barely paid attention. This time, he was lost in thought.
Sometimes, I really wish Kouji had mind-reading powers, or at least, we were so close that he knew what I was thinking. And at the same time, I wished just as much that I knew what he thought about. Kouji the enigma, no one knows what goes on in his calculating mind. I had a great brother.
But, if we had been together for our whole lives, would he be as cold and as untrusting as he was now? Would our relation be any different? But I guess it is no good brooding about it, because we won't ever know.
"Hey, we're here," Kouji announced, his hand tugging on mine as I was about to step away in a continuing direction. I could tell that his words said something beneath them, something like 'Hey, get your head out of the clouds, baka!'.
He lead me straight up to his room, like he usually does, hand-in-hand as we ascended the stairs. It still wasn't our room, though Kouji had put in a futon and never bothered to take it out for all the times I came over, and I never really felt it was my room or my home. I was just staying over, I didn't live there. In his room, there was a distinction between his stuff and my stuff, and nothing was really 'ours' unless we decided to borrow clothes. I guess it is usually this way with siblings, but I'm not sure about twins...
Suddenly, Kouji was on his bed and padding the space next to him, which I rightfully took as a sign to sit next to him. As soon as we were shoulder-to-shoulder, our hands were locked together.
For a long, long while, we sat just like that, just us on our bed, and everything was communicated through us. We depended on one another and we trusted eachother with our lives. That was proved in our adventure together, when we constantly assured ourselves of our bond and when we worried over one another when we were together. And maybe we would have been different if we'd been together all our lives, but all that matters is the here and now, and no use brooding over what could have been.
All that mattered was it was just 'us' at that moment, and there wasn't any worrying about 'them'.
No one has to go and read Ouran Host Club to understand this, though it would make more sense about where I'm coming from. The idea played in here was based souly on the tons of Hitachiin fanfics I have been reading lately, which I do not own. It plays off of the Hitachiin twin's relationship and their outlook on life as 'us' and 'them'. It's quite cute. Brotherly love is Grand!