AN: I'm pretty ashamed of this, and I'm not sure why my friend's making me upload it. Bear with me. xD It's just stupidly... stupid.
Buttock... is Button x Locke shippering. ((laughs hysterically))
One day, Locke was walking around through the jungle aimlessly. Then, he tripped on something.
"Ow! I tripped on something!" he exclaimed indignantly, checking to see what it was that made him stumble.
He found it to be a pot of coffee, conveniently already full to the brim with the fluid.
"Ooh! Coffee!" Locke stated happily, picking up the pot, looking around for some sugar/cream.
Some conveniently fell out of a tree and hit him on the head.
He dumped them both into his drink and started chugging. And chugging. And chugging.
And before he knew it, this small buzz formed in the back of his head... slowly, it grew bigger and more sporadic...
And he felt like... BOUNCING.
He ran around in circles, screaming very manfully.
However, he found himself ramming into another being at his fast pace. It hurt quite a bit.
Looking up, he saw a towering, hairy monster...!! Oh, wait, that's just Jack. Phew.
"Hey Jack!" Locke exclaimed, jittering about. Coffee's side effects were very evident.
"Locke, are you okay?" Jack started to ask, concerned, "I CAN FIX YOU."
Locke yelled in reply, "No way, I've never felt better! And I don't want to be fixed!!"
Jack's eyes bugged out at the rejection, and he began to bawl.
Uninterested, Locke darted off, leaving Jack all alone with his flashbacks.
"NO ONE LIKES ME! First, Sarah wouldn't let me stalk her, and now Locke won't let me fix him! He's obviously high on coffee! It is very dangerous!"
And Jack was right, for once.
It was VERY dangerous.
Because now, Locke was skipping around the beach, singing the Barney theme song. Everyone was too afraid to ask him why he knew that song in the first place.
"I love you! You love me! We're a happy family!"
Sawyer, whose face Locke was singing in, glared. "You better not be singing that to me," he said gruffly.
"Lalala! My little pony, my little pony..."
Locke hopped off, resembling a bunny. Sawyer was a little bit scared.
Locke was sad and lonely. No one loved or understood him, and Claire seemed to be repelled by his advances. Charlie had punched him in the eye for that, but Charlie punched like a butterfly, so it was okay.
Locke, still high on coffee, skipped across the jungle in search of love. On the way, he ran into the island monster. It almost killed him, but once he exclaimed, "Will you be my girlfriend?" it ran away, whimpering.
Next, he approached a tree. "I like your branches. You're pretty. Will you be my girlfriend?"
The tree dropped a coconut on his head. Locke received a mild concussion, but he was only out for a few hours, so that was okay too.
Finally, Locke found himself in the hatch. It was empty, and the time was almost down to zero, so he entered those familiar numbers and watched things restore to normal.
He paused and stared at the "execute" button. It was such a lovely shape. It always did what he asked it to.
Then it dawned on him!
"Button... will you be my girlfriend?" he asked with sparkly eyes. The button didn't reject him, so he took that as a 'yes'. "YAY," he exclaimed, glomping the keyboard affectionately.
The button understood him! It didn't cause him physical pain! It didn't glare at him every time he smiled with an orange peel in his mouth, as was his daily ritual! This was true love!
A warm, fuzzy feeling descended upon him, filling the empty void that had lived deep inside him for so long. If that wasn't love, it was probably indigestion. But the former was preferable.
And so, he decided to name the button. That way, he could put both their names on the wedding invitation (when he was ready for that commitment, of course). He liked the name "Bob", but then he realized that was a guy's name. Slightly problematic. So he changed it to "Bobette".
"I luffles you, Bobette," he declared. "You're the only one for me!"
The button did nothing.
Suddenly, Jack appeared and saw Locke hugging the keyboard whilst mumbling pet names for it. He stared. Locke saw Jack staring at him. He stared back. It was like a staring contest, only not.
Locke randomly burst out giggling and said, "I lost." Jack totally didn't get it, so instead, he asked, "May I ask why you're cuddling that keyboard?" Locke's reply was, "No, you may not."
So things were silent for a while.
Jack, feeling awkward, finally said, "I'll leave you two alone." But as he turned to walk away, he added, "Can I be the flowergirl at your guys' wedding?"
Locke said blankly, "No. I want to ask Sayid."
Jack cried and ran off.
Locke ignored him completely.
Sayid was thrilled.