Kitsune: Yes, it's another play thing! I'll actually finish this one, though. I have the script! (holds up the script)

Jeremy: Can I get a role?

Kitsune: Sure, why not? We need more people . . . This is just for the Spirited Away people, and us, of course. Please review!

Jeremy: She doesn't own anything! Nothing! Please don't sue us, it's her fault!!!

Kitsune: Jerk! Warning: Characters are VERY OOC!

Once Upon A Mattress

Cast

Princess Winnifred . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Chihiro

Prince Dauntless . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Haku

Queen Aggravain . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yubaba

King Sextimus . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Moron

Minstrel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jeremy

Wizard . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the Foreman

Jester . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kamaji

Sir Harry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kaonashi

Lady Larkin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kitsune

Lady Rowena . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Natalie

Lady Merrill . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Erika

Lady Lucille . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Lin

Lady H . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #1

Lady R . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #2

Luce's Lady . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #3

Mabelle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #4

Beatrice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuko

Harold . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Akio

Sir Studley . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jack

Luce . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . David

Princess . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #5

Lady #1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #6

Lady #2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #7

Lady #3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #8

Knight #1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Frog #3

Knight #2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Frog #4

Knight #3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Frog #5

Act One

Music #1: Overture

Music #2: Prologue -- Many Moons Ago

(Cue MINSTREL. He is young and attractive. He begins to sing, strumming his lute. The MINSTREL's story, told in song, is enacted in ballet pantomime.)

MINSTREL/JEREMY: Cool! I'm a minstrel!

LARKEN/KITSUNE: (offstage) Idiot, sing!

JEREMY: Oh, right!

(verse)

MANY MOONS AGO, IN A FAR-OFF PLACE

LIVED A HANDSOME PRINCE WITH A GLOOMY FACE,

FOR HE DID NOT HAVE A BRIDE.

OH, HE SIGHED ALAS!

AND HE PINED, ALAS,

BUT ALAS, THE PRINCE COULDN'T FIND A LASS

WHO WOULD SUIT HIS MOTHER'S PRIDE.

That's way too many 'lass'es.

KITSUNE: Keep singing!

JEREMY: I am, don't rush me! Ahem!

(Chorus 1)

FOR A PRINCESS IS A DELICATE THING,

DELICATE AND DAINTY AS A DRAGONFLY'S WING.

YOU CAN RECOGNIZE A LADY BY HER ELEGANT AIR,

BUT A GENUINE PRINCESS IS EXCEEDINGLY RARE!

(Verse 2)

ON A STORMY NIGHT TO THE CASTLE DOOR,

CAME THE LASS THE PRINCE HAD BEEN WAITING FOR.

"I'M A PRINCESS LOST," QUOTH SHE.

Quoth? That's an odd word. (shrug)

BUT THE QUEEN WAS COOL AND REMAINED ALOOF

AND SHE SAID, "PERHAPS, BUT WE'LL NEED SOME PROOF.

I'LL PREPARE A TEST AND SEE.

(Chorus 2 — spoken in meter)

"I WILL TEST HER THUS," THE OLD QUEEN SAID,

"I'LL PUT TWENTY DOWNY MATTRESSES UPON HER BED,

AND BENEATHE THOSE TWENTY MATTRESSES I'LL PLACE ONE TINY PEA.

IF THAT PEA DISTURBS HER SLUMBER, THEN A TRUE PRINCESS IS SHE."

That doesn't seem like a very fair trial, don't you think?

KITSUNE: (on the brink of strangling JEREMY) Jeremy, please just keep singing . . .

JEREMY: Okey-dokey!

(Verse 3)

NOW, THE BED WAS SOFT, AND EXTREMELY TALL,

BUT THE DAINTY LASS DIDN'T SLEEP AT ALL,

AND SHE TOLD THEM SO NEXT DAY.

Honestly . . . she could feel that tiny thing?

SAID THE QUEEN, "MY DEAR, IF YOU FELT THAT PEA,

THEN WE'VE PROOF ENOUGH OF YOUR ROYALTY.

LET THE WEDDING MUSIC PLAY."

(Spoken)

AND THE PEOPLE SHOUTED QUIETLY,

ALL (Sing pianissimo):

"HOORAY!"

JEREMY: (stares) That seriously sounded really gay, guys.

ALL: CONTINUE WITH THE SONG!

JEREMY: OKAY!

(Lights fade to blackout. Black drop in)

FOR A PRINCESS IS A DELICATE THING,

DELICATE AND DAINTY AS A DRAGONFLY'S WING.

YOU CAN RECOGNIZE A LADY BY HER ELEGANT AIR,

BUT A GENUINE PRINCESS . . .

(dramatic pause)

IS EXCEEDINGLY RARE!

(turns to go) Okay, I'm done, now.

KITSUNE: No, you have lines, baka!

JEREMY: Fine, you don't have to get all technical-yelly-Japanese-y on me! Cripes!

(turns to look forward)

(spoken) There are many versions of this story; I sing them all. This is the prettiest, but it's not quite accurate. I happen to know the true story of "The Princess and the Pea" for the very good reason that I was there. It was a small kingdom ruled over by a talkative queen and a mute king—Haha, Moron, you're a mute and married to Yubaba!

KING SEXTIMUS/MORON: (gives JEREMY the finger)

JEREMY: Anywho—The Princess in the true story was not the only girl put to the test. Actually, she was one of 13 girls — girls who came to the castle hoping to wed the Prince, but who, for one reason or another, were found to be unsuitable. (Lights come up full on stage and the picture has changed)

Scene 1

(Scene: Dominating the scene is a dais on which sit QUEEN AGGRAVAIN (YUBABA) and KING SEXTIMUS (MORON). Seated at his mother's feet is PRINCE DAUNTLESS (HAKU). Not far from the dais, on a platform, stands "PRINCESS No. 12" (YUNA #5) dressed in standard princess attire including a small crown. Beside her is the WIZARD (FOREMAN), YUBABA'S confidante who, at the moment, is functioning as a sort of medival master of ceremonies. KNIGHTS (FROGS) and LADIES (YUNA) form an attentive audience for what appears to be a formal interrogation. Prominent among them is a particularly beautiful girl, the LADY LARKEN (KITSUNE), who seems inordinately interested in the proceedings)

JEREMY: Alright, who put this, here? (pointing to script) A particularly beautiful girl? Kitsune, did you change the script?

KITSUNE: No, that's how it is.

SIR HARRY/KAONASHI: (angry) (from offstage) Are you suggesting my mate isn't beautiful? (angry snarl)

JEREMY: No, no! She is quite, er, lovely . . . heh. (cheesy grin)

KITSUNE: Only Jeremy can pull off a cheesy grin like that. (sigh) Continue.

JEREMY: As a matter of fact, the day I arrived at court, they were testing Princess Number 12. A curious quiz was in progress. (he steps back into the audience beside LADY MERRILL (ERIKA) and LADY ROWENA (NATALIE).)

WIZARD/FOREMAN: Are you ready for the next question? (He reads from a sheet of parchment. There is a hint of the modern tv quizmaster in his manner)

PRINCESS #12/YUNA #5: I guess so.

FOREMAN: The next question concerns famous rulers. Are you quite ready?

YUNA #5: Uh-huh.

FOREMAN: Well, then: name three kings. Is that clear?

YUNA #5: Yes. (Thinks a moment) Would you repeat the question please?

FOREMAN: Certainly. Name three kings.

YUNA #5: May I take the third king first?

FOREMAN: Absolutely.

YUNA #5: Well, then. Three kings are . . . (she thinks)

JEREMY: (to NATALIE) Is this a trial?

LADY ROWENA/NATALIE: How should I know?

JEREMY: (major sweatdrop) Because you've been here to see this before, and we're hoping you read the script?

NATALIE: The wha—oh yeah, that. Oops. Uh, no, this isn't a trial. It's the royalty test to find out if she's a true princess. There ya go!

YUNA #5: (continuing) King John, King Arthur, and . . . (She thinks some more)

JEREMY: Does it matter if she's a true princess?

LADY MERRILL/ERIKA: Oh yes. If she's a true princess, we can all get married.

YUNA #5: King Ethelred.

FOREMAN: That is absolutely correct! (FROGS and YUNA applaud)

DAUNTLESS/HAKU: (In great excitement to YUBABA as the applause dies) She's smart, Mama. She's the best one yet. Can I marry her now, huh? Can I, Mama? (aside, with disgust) I can't believe this . . .

THE QUEEN/YUBABA: No, sweetheart. (Saccharine) There's still one more question. (Snaps fingers)

LADY LUCILLE/LIN: (Sotto voice) This test isn't going to be fair.

ERIKA: It's the law that isn't fair.

JEREMY: Law?

LIN: The Marriage Law:

'Throughout the land, no one may wed

Till Dauntless to the altar's led.'

(YUBABA has picked out one of the questions. She gives it to the FOREMAN who returns to YUNA #5.)

JEREMY: Dauntless?

NATALIE: Haku, remember?

JEREMY: (sigh) Why are you even a part of Rabid Chibi Squirrels Inc?

NATALIE: Because I'm just so cute!

ERIKA: No, because you're my sister, and I'M the smart one! (tosses a script at NATALIE) If you're gonna be in the play, read the damn script!

NATALIE: (the script hits the back of her head) Ow! Oh, hey, look, a script!

ALL: (groan)

NATALIE: Oh, ahem! The Prince. Until he gets married, none of us can.

JEREMY: That sucks.

FOREMAN: You have now reached the SEVENTH PLATEAU, (points up. in a mutter) —That's very high.— (regular voice) and here is your question. It is divided into four parts and concerns a man often referred to as the Knight of the Red Cross. (he stops, glares at the other people around him)

ALL: Ooooh. Ahhhh.

FOREMAN: Yeah, I thought so. (continues) 1. What was his name? 3. What beast did he slay? 20. How many rows of teeth did the beast have AND what kind? And 4 . . .

YUBABA: (turns to camera) Joy, I get the idiot wizard who can't count to 4. (rolls eyes)

FOREMAN: (really fast) Whatwasthemiddlenameofthedaughterinlawofthebestfriendoftheblacksmithwhoforgedtheswordthatkilledthebeast? (by the end of this, his voice is a squeak) (FROGS, YUNA, and other people sigh and look at each other hopelessly)

YUNA #5: (taking a deep breath) 1. St. George, 2. the dragon, 3. twelve rows of teeth and they were iron! And 4. would you repeat the last question please?

FOREMAN: No.

YUNA #5: You jerk!

FOREMAN: All right, fine! (he enunciates) What. Was the middle naaaaaaaaaame. Of the daughter-in-law. Of the best friend of the blacksmith. Who forged the sword that killed. The. Beast?

YUNA #5: The middle name?

FOREMAN: The middle name.

YUNA #5: The daughter-in-law?

FOREMAN: In-law. (he inverts a small hour glass) You have thirty seconds!

KITSUNE: Oh, pass. Please, please, pass.

JEREMY: (sarcastically, to piss KITSUNE off) Do you speak, my lady?

KITSUNE: (flustered) No—I . . . (She turns to look at Yuna #5 again)

FOREMAN: Forty seconds!

YUBABA: Learn how to count, idiot!

YUNA #5: Oh . . .

JEREMY: I wish her success. She's a pretty little thing. (he refers to YUNA #5, but his eyes remain on KITSUNE)

FOREMAN: TEN SECONDS!

YUNA #5: Ohhh . . .

FOREMAN: 9he begins to count down in a mutter, but we can still hear him) 10, 9, 7, I can't count, 4, 3, 2 . . . I am terribly sorry!

YUNA #5: OHHHHHHHHHHHHH . . .

FOREMAN: Your time is up.

YUBABA: Too bad, my dear, too bad. You do show a certain aptitude, but as for the true brilliance of royalty . . . well, I'm afraid not. Remember, blood will tell, and yours didn't tell us quite enough. (STUDLEY JACK gives a large dead bird to YUBABA, who gives it to YUNA #5 and continues . . .) However, to show that there are no hard feelings, here is a nice consolation prize for you. Goodbye; good luck; and get out! (YUNA #5 goes OFF RIGHT, weeping) Sweetheart . . . Dauntless! Stop pouting. (JACK gooses a YUNA — she screams) (YUBABA pulls at HAKU, who gets to his feet) Now, don't dilly-dally, Dauntless! It's nearly time for your cocoa! (To KITSUNE) What's that mean?

KITSUNE: (Shrug)

YUBABA: (Shrug. She exits in a flourish, accompanied by MORON and the FOREMAN)

Music #3: Opening For A Princess

HAKU:

OH . . . ! I LIKED HER!

KITSUNE: SO DID I!

HAKU:

WHY MUST EVERY PRINCESS GET THE BIRD?

ERIKA:

IT'S JUST ABSURD!

NATALIE:

I NEVER HEARD

A TEST SO DIFFICULT TO PASS!

HAKU:

ALAS! A LASS IS WHAT I LACK.

I LACK A LASS; ALAS! ALACK!

Jeremy was right. That is too many 'lass'es.

MEN: THROUGHOUT THE LAND NO ONE MAY WED

LADIES: OH . . .

MEN: 'TIL HAKU SHARES HIS MARRIAGE BED.

LADIES: THE LONELY SPINSTER'S LIFE

GO . . .

AND GET THE PRINCE A ROYAL WIFE!

ALL:WE HAVE AN OPENING FOR A PRINCESS,

FOR A GENUINE CERTIFIED PRINCESS.

LADIES: TELL US WHEN YOU INTEND TO END THIS DILEMMA

WE'RE IN —

MEN: NONE OF THE LADIES GIVE A FIG FOR LIVIN' IN SIN!

ALL: WE HAVE AN OPENING FOR A PRINCESS,

FOR A BEAUTIFUL, BONAFIDE PRINCESS.

LADIES: WHERE'S THE DUTIFUL KNIGHT WHO'LL RIGHT ALL

THE WRONG WE'VE BEEN DONE?

MEN: NONE OF THE LADIES ARE HAVING ANY FUN.

LADIES: WHAT TO DO?

MEN: WHAT TO DO?

LADIES: WHAT TO DO?

MEN: WHAT TO DO?

LADIES: PITY THE LADIES-IN-WAITING;

MEN: PITY THE GENTLEMEN TOO!

LADIES: FOUR!

MEN: SIX!

ALL: EIGHT, TEN, ELEVEN, TWELVE CONTENDERS IN A

ROW.

MEN: THEY CAME; THEY WERE TESTED;

LADIES: THEN SWIFTLY REQUESTED TO GO . . .

MEN: BLOW THE TRUMPET! SOUND THE FIFE!

LADIES: . . . FOR A PRINCESS

FOR A GENUINE, CERTIFIED PRINCESS.

MEN: GO AND GET THE PRINCE A ROYAL WIFE!

LADIES: TELL US WHEN YOU INTEND TO SEND US A GIRL WHO

CAN PASS!

MEN:NONE OF THE LADIES ARE HAVING ANY —

ALL:NO ONE IS GETTING ANY —

NO ONE IS GETTING ANY — YOUNGER.

AND IT'S BEEN GOD KNOWS HOW LONG SINCE!

WE HAVE AN OPENING FOR A PRINCESS

WHO'S GOOD ENOUGH, NICE ENOUGH, SWEET

ENOUGH, SMART ENOUGH, RICH ENOUGH

FOR OUR POOR PRINCE!

(After the song, the FROGS and YUNA disperse with ad libs. "It just seems hopeless." "Twelve tests." "Twelve failures." "Haku will never get married." "I've just given up hope," etc. KITSUNE strolls to LEFT where she stands talking to a FROG. Other FROGS and YUNA are in small groups talking quietly. JEREMY enters DOWN LEFT and crosses to CENTER. The FOREMAN enters DOWN RIGHT and goes quickly to him)

FOREMAN: Minstrel! You are just arrived!

JEREMY: Yup! (grin) Yes, I am, Sir Wizard.

FOREMAN: Splendid, splendid! (He takes out a piece of parchment) Watch closely. I take this pefectly plain piece of parchment—

KITSUNE: (shudders) Alliterations . . .

FOREMAN: (glares at her and continues) I take this perfectly plane parchment . . . piece a . . .CRAP! Look what you made me do! I messed up!

KITSUNE: (turns and glares back at him) Don't yell at me just because you screwed up your part and because I have issues concerning alliterations! (turns back around) Just do it over!

FOREMAN: (sighes and holds up the piece of parchment) Watch closely. I take this perfectly plain piece of parchment with no cuts, folds, creases or concealed pockets . . . (JESTER/KAMAJI has entered from DOWN RIGHT. His jester's stick is actually his hammer with bells attatched to it and the pole has been enlongated. He shakes the bells on his "jester's stick" in the FOREMAN's face) Well, what is it?

JESTER/KAMAJI: Excuse me, Cardamon, but—

FOREMAN: What?

KAMAJI: Car-da-mon. It's your name.

FOREMAN: Oh, right.

KAMAJI: Excuse me, Cardamon, but I have to take the Minstrel to sign in with the Castle Steward.

KNIGHT #1/FROG #3: This way, please!

JEREMY: I'm on my way to Normandy. I won't be staying long. (thinks) Why would I be going to Normandy? Isn't that BAD? (shrugs. JEREMY and FROG #3 exit DOWN RIGHT)

FOREMAN: (to KAMAJI) For your father's sake, I put up a good deal from you. Don't address me as Cardamon in Court. Just because your father and I were in show business together, don't presume. (FOREMAN and KAMAJI exit DOWN RIGHT. SIR HARRY/KAONASHI enters UP RIGHT. He is handsome and manly, but a bit of a stuffed shirt.)

SIR HARRY/KAONASHI: My shirt isn't stuffed . . . (pulls back his collar and looks down his shirt.) There's nothing there.

KNIGHT #2/FROG #4: Ho! Sir Harry—Hey, wait . . . aren't you NoFace's other form?

KAONASHI: Yeah?

FROG #4: RUN! IT'S NOFACE! (FROGS and YUNA scream and run away; in case you're wondering, that means KAONASHI and KITSUNE are alone on the stage)

KAONASHI: (sigh) Am I ever going to be forgiven? I said I was sorry . . . That's depressing.

KITSUNE: (watching confusedly as the other people run away) Huh? (turns around) Oh! Ahem . . . My darling, you missed the test.

KAONASHI: Test? What test? Was it the one you took to get into college?

KITSUNE: I'm . . . not IN college, sweetheart. I'm still in high school.

KAONASHI: Oh. Uh, then . . . (suddenly remembers) Sweet Larken . . . (whine) Can't I just call you Kitsune? I don't like the name Larken!

KITSUNE: Sorry, Kao, it's in the script . . .

KAONASHI: But everyone else calls Haku "Haku" instead of "Dauntless"! It's not fair! That's like discrimination, and I'm already discriminated again! (sighes and puts his head in his hands) Nobody loves me . . .

KITSUNE: (deep sigh) I love you. But we have to get on with the play. I think the readers are falling asleep . . .

KAONASHI: Okay. (stands up straight) Sweet Larken, my new responsibilities as Chivalric Knight of the Herald keep me busy. (eyes bulge) GAWDS, that's a mouthfull!

KITSUNE: The latest princess was a failure.

KAONASHI: No!

KITSUNE: Yes.

KAONASHI: Too bad! . . . I mean, bad luck! But don't despair for we have plenty of time. If a true princess is not found in the next few months I will go out and find one myself . . . or I don't deserve to wear my spurs. (looks at his feet) And yet, I'm not wearing spurs . . . Does that mean I'm not worthy?

KITSUNE: Darling.

KAONASHI: My love?

KITSUNE: Do you remember the Royal Joust on Whitsunday, when you won those spurs?

KAONASHI: Uh, remind me when "Whitsunday" is, again . . .

KITSUNE: I don't know . . . But, anywho . . .

KAONASHI: Alright. Of course.

KITSUNE: When you were called Sir Harry, the Fairest and Bravest Knight in all the Land, and everyone agreed that you had a brilliant future ahead of you; that you might someday become Lord Chamberlain, or even Prince Minister?

KAONASHI: "Prince" Minister?

KITSUNE: I mean Prime Minister! Same thing!

KAONASHI: (sly look) Well, I don't know about "Prince Minister".

KITSUNE: (hits him) Jerk!

KAONASHI: Ouch . . . (rubs his sore arm)

KITSUNE: Do you remember the picnic we all had later on the greensward—whatever that is—with the lovely cold pheasant?

KAONASHI: No . . . I mean, yes!

KITSUNE: And you and I wandered away from the others to climb the hill and watch the sun go down?

KAONASHI: I told you, no . . . .I MEAN YES! I DO! Kami, remembering lines is difficult!

KITSUNE: Then go get a script.

KAONASHI: Somebody get me a script, please!

ERIKA: (offstage) HERE! 9tosses a script and hits KAONASHI in the back of the head with it) SORRY!

KAONASHI: (picks up the script, rubs his head, and glances grudgedly back at ERIKA) No, you're not.

KITSUNE: And a lark was singing in the trees and you said you'd remember that moment forever because the larks song reminded you of my name?

KAONASHI: N—waaaaaaaaaaaait . . . Yes, Larken, yes! Ha! I got it! Score!

JEREMY: (offstage) All I can hear is Kaonashi yelling! What the hell are you two doing on there? Sexing?

KAONASHI: What would make you say a stupid thing like that?

JEREMY: The way you screamed, "Yes, Larken, yes!"

KITSUNE: It's because he's having trouble with his lines! Stop being so perverted!

KAONASHI: Hey, Kitsune, what's all the questions supposed to mean, anyway?

KITSUNE: We sexed on a hill after a picnic after you got turned on by a lark that reminded you of me.

KAONASHI: Ah. Ew. That makes it sound so wierd.

KITSUNE: I know! Doesn't it? Anyway . . . (continues from where they left off) And then we watched the sun go down?

KAONASHI: Yes!

KITSUNE: Well. (Pauses, takes a deep breath, then speaks) I'm going to have a baby. (KAONASHI is stunned.) So, you see, a princess for Dauntless must be found . . . and soon or I shall have to go away somewhere.

KAONASHI: (clears his throat) Uh . . . uhrm . . .

KITSUNE: (suddenly frightened) Oh, darling . . . I'm so worried! This could ruin you and you'd never be Prime Minister or anything!

KAONASHI: (another sly look) Don't you mean "Prince Minister?" (chuckle)

KITSUNE: Oh, shut up, would you? Say the word, Harry (KAONASHI stops laughing and glares), and I'll go now. I'll go far away where they'll never find me! (KAONASHI hesitates) Just say the word!

KAONASHI: (bravely) No! You'll stay here! Why should we both suffer all our lives just because you had a moment of weakness?

KITSUNE: (ecstatically) Oh, Harry! (She throws herself into his arms. Music in. She pauses, rethinking his response) Hey, wait a minute!

KAONASHI: We're none of us perfect! Everything's going to be all right.

KITSUNE: Thank you, Harry!

Music #4: In A Little While

KAONASHI:IT WON'T BE LONG, IT WON'T BE LONG,

IT WON'T BECAUSE IT CAN'T BE LONG

BEFORE OUT DREAMS COME TRUE.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW I DON'T BELONG,

AND FURTHERMORE I SHAN'T BELONG TO ANYONE

BUT YOU

KITSUNE:IN A LITTLE WHILE,

JUST A LITTLE WHILE

YOU AND I WILL BE ONE,

TWO, THREE, FOUR.

IN A LITTLE WHILE

I WILL SEE YOUR SMILE

ON THE FACE OF MY SON.

TO BE FOR —

EVER HAND IN GLOVE

IS THE WAY I HAVE IT PLANNED,

BUT I'LL ONLY STAY IN LOVE

IF THE GLOVE CONTAINS YOUR HAND.

IN A VELVET GOWN

I'LL BE COMING DOWN THE AISLE —

AND IT'S BOUND TO SEEM AS THOUGH THE

WAITING'S ONLY BEEN A LITTLE,

IN A LITTLE WHILE.

KAONASHI: Have you any idea how soon, my love?

KITSUNE: (counts on her fingers) November. And don't ask me how I got November out of four fingers.

KAONASHI: November?

KITSUNE:MY TIME IS AT A PREMIUM,

FOR SOON THE WORLD WILL SEE ME A MATERNAL

BRIDE-TO-BE.

I KNOW I MUSN'T WORRY, HARRY.

STILL I WISH YOU'D HURRY, HARRY.

HARRY, MARRY ME!

KAONASHI: IN A LITTLE WHILE,

JUST A LITTLE WHILE,

YOU AND I WILL BE ONE,

TWO, THREE, FOUR.

IN A LITTLE WHILE

I WILL SEE YOUR SMILE

ON THE FACE OF MY SON.

TO BE FOR —

KITSUNE:EVER HAND IN GLOVE

KAONASHI:IS THE WAY I HAVE IT PLANNED,

KITSUNE:BUT I'LL ONLY STAY IN LOVE

KAONASHI:IN THE GLOVE CONTAINS YOUR HAND.

BOTH:I CAN SEE IT ALL

DOWN TO EVERY SMALL DETAIL —

SO I WISH YOU'D LOOK AROUND

UNTIL YOU'VE FOUND

A CASTLE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD FOR SALE.

(They exit DOWN LEFT)

(The curtains close as Scene 1 of Act 1 ends)

Kitsune: So, what'd you think?

Jeremy: That was so cool! And I thought it was funny! Ha, you're a pregnant woman!

Kitsune: Whoever said I wasn't? -smirks and hugs Kaonashi around the waist-

Jeremy: -jaw drops-

Kaonashi: -surprised but delighted-

Kitsune: Just kidding!

Jeremy: Phew! -relieved-

Kaonashi: -pouts-

Kitsune: Sorry, Kao. Please review! We don't own anything!