Kitsune: Hee hee! I finished the first chapter and then started on this one! I felt so giddy, I had to!

Jeremy: Y'mean we don't get a break?

Kitsune: Anyway! I calculated the outcome of how many chapters this whole thing will have!

All: (Lean in)

Kitsune: There are two acts and each act has 9 scenes, so if each scene is a chapter, we'll have 18 chapters, plus a bonus one I thought of!

All: Ooooooooh!

Kitsune: So, please review so we can get this whole thing up before I might have to give back my script! (screech) No, they can't make me!

Jeremy: We don't own anything! The characters are quite OOC.

Reviews:

To Lena, what's SLV? I (Kitsune) live in NJ, and my school was putting on a play (which is done now, mind you). Now, how might you know me? Thanks for reviewing, though.

Once Upon A Mattress

Cast

Princess Winnifred . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Chihiro

Prince Dauntless . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Haku

Queen Aggravain . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yubaba

King Sextimus . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Moron

Minstrel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jeremy

Wizard . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the Foreman

Jester . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kamaji

Sir Harry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kaonashi

Lady Larkin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kitsune

Lady Rowena/Wench . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Natalie

Lady Merrill . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Erika

Lady Lucille . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Lin

Lady H . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #1

Lady R . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #2

Luce's Lady . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #3

Mabelle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #4

Beatrice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuko

Harold . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Akio

Sir Studley . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jack

Luce . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . David

Princess . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #5

Lady #1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #6

Lady #2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #7

Lady #3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yuna #8

Knight #1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Frog #3

Knight #2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Frog #4

Knight #3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Frog #5

Act One

Scene 2

(Scene: in one. A castle corridor. QUEEN/YUBABA and DAUNTLESS/HAKU enter, he tagging behind her at some distance.)

QUEEN/YUBABA: Come along darling, don't dawdle. (Stops and observes him shuffling along) Haku, pick up your feet for heaven's sake and don't squint! I told you not to look at the sun.

DAUNTLESS/HAKU: (adjusting) Yes, Mama.

YUBABA: That's better. (hugs him. KING/MORON runs on chasing WENCH/NATALIE) SEXTIMUS! (cast snickers; while YUBABA's back is turned, MORON is behind her and mimes "monster", then plays innocent when YUBABA turns around to look at him. HAKU chuckles) If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred thousand times, I will not have you playing these foolish games and running around in the halls. It just isn't dignified. We are the rulers of the kingdom and if we don't set a proper example for the rest of the court, I'd like to know who will. I mean what is the point of being a ruler if one isn't going to behave as a ruler should. (MORON exits DOWN LEFT, in pantomime mimicking her. The KING/MORON never speaks aloud, but makes what's on his mind very clear by acting it out)

HAKU: Mama . . .

YUBABA: (stopping) Now what?

HAKU: Mama, when am I going to meet my Princess?

YUBABA: Haku, I don't want to discuss that now. It's time for your cocoa.

HAKU: But Mama, sometimes I get the funniest feeling that you don't want me to get married.

YUBABA: Don't want you to get married? Don't want you to get married? Haku — don't you trust me?

HAKU: No.

YUBABA: That's not your line!

HAKU: (grudgedly) I still don't trust you. (continues) Of course, Mama, but . . .

YUBABA: Well, then how can you say such a thing? (The Mamalogue: spoken as rapidly as possible to do without sacrificing clarity) I want you to get married! How many times have I said to you, "I want you to get married?" Only this morning, I was saying to your father, I said, "Sextimus, I want that boy to get married. It just isn't normal for a boy that age to stay single! And after all, he is a Princess," I said— (the rest of the cast bursts out laughing)

KITSUNE: (offstage) Wow, Haku, are you contemplating a sex change?

HAKU: (laughing too hard to notice KITSUNE) D-d-do it over! (laughing like a maniac, he is hunched over, clutching his stomach)

YUBABA: (flipping through the script) From where?

KITSUNE: Try from "Only this morning."

YUBABA: Only this morning, I was saying to your father, I said, "Sextimus, I want that boy to get married. It just isn't normal for a boy that age to stay single! And after all, he is a Prince," I said, "Don't forget that. He's next in line to the throne. I mean we're exactly the oldest people in the world —

KITSUNE: (coughs)

YUBABA: Shut up, 5000.

KITSUNE: (glares)

YUBABA: (continues) — but on the other hand we're not going to live forever, and I just know that I'd feel much better, much easier and more relaxed in my mind if that boy were married, and settled and set!" And that is absolutely verbatim, exactly what I said to your father this morning. Of course, he didn't say anything. He never does. But you know him just as well as I do; I don't have to tell you how impossible he is. But that's my cross of pain; and I don't want you to worry your head one tiny bit about the fact that your father and I don't get along, and never have. If he makes me miserable, and makes me suffer, I just have to put up with it, and I will not allow it to affect my child's attitude toward him or me. He may be a mean, stupid, dreadful, selfish, rotten man, but he is your father and I want you to respect him. There is only one person who really cares about you and really worries about your health and your happiness and your future and that's what I'm talking about right now; your future, and I want to make myself absolutely clear; I want you to get married but I don't want you to marry just anybody. After all, marriage is a lifetime partnership and I wouldn't want to see my little boymake the same mistake I did and wind up miserable the way I did. You are a prince and you must marry someone suitable, someone who's good enough and smart enough, and fine enough for my good, nice, sweet, beautiful baby boy. And of course she has to be a princess. I mean a real princess. That's one thing I absolutely insist upon. She has to be a real, genuine, bonafide princes just as I was. That's what you really want, isn't it? Someone like me? Of course you do! Oh, God! If I were only twenty years younger—

HAKU: That still won't be enough. (snickers)

YUBABA: Just remember this — you must trust me . . . (LARKEN/KITSUNE and HARRY/KAONASHI enter DOWN LEFT)

LARKEN/KITSUNE: (curtsying) Your Majesty . . . Your Highness.

HAKU: (He admires KAONASHI) Hello, Kaonashi!

YUBABA: (To HAKU) Don't interrupt! (To KITSUNE) Well?

KITSUNE: Sir Kaonashi wishes to speak to you, Madame.

KAONASHI: I thought you said we had to be Larken and Harry?

KITSUNE: Well, since Yubaba isn't gonna follow the rules, we might as well not, either.

KAONASHI: HOORAY!

HAKU: Hey, that's my line! And I'm not even there yet!

YUBABA: (To KAONASHI) Well?

KAONASHI: Oh. Madame, I have the honour to request a Perilous Labor. I wish to search for a true princess, a princess of the Royal Blood: one who will suit both Your Majesty and Prince Haku.

YUBABA: No!

HAKU: Mama!

YUBABA: No, no, no! We've been through all the eligible girls in all the neighboring kingdoms. There are none left. We simply have to wait until their little sisters grow up, and that'll take years.

KAONASHI: But Madame, I plan to head North, over the mountains. (to KITSUNE) I am?

YUBABA: Over the mountains?

KAONASHI: . . . across the Badlands. (to KITSUNE) BADlands?

YUBABA: Across the Badlands?

KAONASHI: . . . and into the marsh land where the beautiful Swamp Lily grows.

YUBABA: Into the marsh land? Are you out of your mind?

KAONASHI: Almost.

HAKU: (excitedly) Let him go, Mama, let him go!

YUBABA: You won't find anything there, but frogs and tadpoles and things.

HAKU: Mama!

YUBABA: Do you know what the weather there is like?

HAKU: Mama, please!

YUBABA: Do you know how damp and foggy and . . .

HAKU: (pleading) Mama!

YUBABA: (pushes HAKU out of the way) Quiet! . . . and humid and oppressive . . .

HAKU: (pleading) Mama . . . let Sir Kaonashi try! Please. For me, Mama? Please!

YUBABA: (stops, looks at HAKU, then at KAONASHI) All right, go ahead. It's your sinus.

HAKU: (jumping up and down) Hooray!

YUBABA: (KITSUNE and KAONASHI bow and curtsy as YUBABA sweeps out) Come along, Haku, you've missed your cocoa.

HAKU: Good luck, Kaonashi! Good luck! (He runs off happily)

KAONASHI: (takes KITSUNE in his arms) Don't be afraid, little Kitsune. I'll bring back a princess who is not only a real princess, but one who will be able to pass the Queen's test.

KITSUNE: I believe you! I'm not afraid.

KAONASHI:And I shan't be away long.

KITSUNE: Only fly as fast as you can, my love! We shall be waiting for you.

KAONASHI: We?

KITSUNE: (blushingly) You know. (tries to detatch a ribbon from her sleeve. It will not come off.) Stupid ribbon. Here! (She cuts off a lock of her hair) And wear this . . . somewhere . . .

KAONASHI: Next to my heart! (takes it to secretly obssess over and put in a shrine)

Music #5: In A Little While (Reprise)

KITSUNE:IN A LITTLE WHILE,

JUST A LITTLE WHILE,

YOU AND I WILL BE ONE,

TWO, THREE, FOUR.

KAONASHI:IN A LITTLE WHILE,

I WILL SEE YOUR SMILE

ON THE FACE OF MY SON.

TO BE FOR —

EVER HAND IN GLOVE

IS THE WAY I HAVE IT PLANNED.

BUT I'LL ONLY STAY IN LOVE

IF THE GLOVE CONTAINS YOUR HAND.

BOTH:IN A VELVET GOWN

I'LL (YOU'LL) BE COMING DOWN THE AISLE

AND IT'S BOUND TO SEEM AS THO'

THE WAITING'S ONLY BEEN A LITTLE,

IN A LITTLE WHILE.

(They exit DOWN RIGHT)

Kitsune: It was shorter, but that's okay! I like the Mamalogue . . . Heh.

Kaonashi: And I love you! (hug from behind)

Jeremy: Behave, you two.

Kaonashi: (growls and kicks him)

Jeremy: Hey!

Kitsune: Please review! We'll start working on the next scene!