'Cause everybody needs a little crack in their life.
No really, I'm serious; I take no responsibility for the lack of seriousness. The idea popped into my brain, took root, and wouldn't leave me alone. Lo and behold, this is what came out of it. Organization XIII crack, complete with crack pairings and definite OOC. Don't blame me for that either; I've never actually gotten through the entire Kingdom Hearts II (BLASPHEMY!), so I'll probably be falling into a few fandom pit holes now and again. But if you can overlook all that, and come out of this with your sanity and a few laughs, then I've done my job.
Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, the Kingdom Hearts series belongs to Square Enix and Disney. I stand to make no profit from this, dammit. Wish I did. Then I'd have money to buy a new iPod.
Number XIII was sick. How he managed that one, nobody really knew, since technically, all Nobodies are are empty husks of a body with nothing in them, so a germ or a virus or whatever wouldn't really have anything to attack in a Nobody. Unless it was a nonexistent germ. Yeah, there we go; a nonexistent sickness, that's what Roxas came down with.
And down he came, straight off his chair and onto Marluxia, who had come in late to the meeting. Caused a bit of an uproar it did, with Axel leaping out of his seat to go 'assist' his fallen friend, and Xemnas still blathering on about hearts and moons. By the time he finally realized most of the Organization's attention had gone out the window, all of them, with the exception of Saïx, were gathered in a circle around Roxas and Axel, the latter of who was practically lying full length on top of the youngest member.
"Number 8, what are you doing?"
"Trying to revive him!"
"By blowing into his mouth?" There were a few muffled snickers. Axel straightened in indignation.
"It's called mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. It saves lives!" Nobody really noticed that Roxas's stricken look had been replaced by a rather relived expression as soon as Axel had stopped his administrations.
"I think it's just a cold," he said softly.
"See, I told you it saves lives," Axel said proudly. Roxas shook his head at him.
"I just need to rest a little, that's all."
"Your face is all red." Demyx volunteered that little tidbit of information.
Axel answered. "It's a buildup of carbon dioxide."
"It's a fever, you idiot," Larxene snapped. "Stop trying to make yourself sound smart."
"Can Nobodies even get fevers?" asked Marluxia. "And can you get him off me? I can't breathe, and he's messing up my hair."
Xemnas reached down and placed a gloved hand on Roxas's forehead. "You feel a little less cold than usual, Number XIII," he said. "Perhaps you should rest; we'll be needing you tomorrow. The Heartless are building up." Roxas rolled his eyes. Sure, give him the stupid missions, what did he care?
And that was how most of the Organization (Luxord was out doing Kingdom Hearts knows what) all piled into one room, clustered around Roxas's bed. Where the bed had come from was a mystery; it had just sort popped up out of nowhere, but then again, the World That Never Was had a habit of procuring some pretty strange objects out of thin air. Like those treasure chests that cropped up in corners. Roxas was always opening them and had a pile of potions up to the ceiling to show for his efforts, but every few weeks, they would show up again. It was pretty creepy actually.
But anyway, there was Roxas, sick in bed, covered by a mass of sheets, with Axel at his side, stroking his hand (Roxas felt too sick to yank it back) and telling him everything was going to be okay.
"Axel, you do realize," Larxene said, "that it isn't like he's going to die."
"How do you know? It could be something serious. Maybe I should get him a potion or something."
"The last time I trusted you to get me anything," Roxas mumbled, voice muffled by the multitude of sheets, courtesy of Demyx, "I ended up out cold for three days. I still don't what you did to me, but Xigbar says he has pictures, so I don't even want to know."
"You don't trust me?" Axel asked, surprised.
"You? No. Not at all."
"Well, maybe if you stopped jumping him in the halls, he would trust you more," Marluxia said, smirking.
"Marluxia, I swear, if you want your flowers to survive the next week, you'll mind your own business."
"If I find so much as one petal drooping, you'll be picking thorns out of you know where 'til kingdom comes."
"Settle down, children," Xigbar laughed, tilting his chair into a more precarious position than any other Nobody would ever dare try. "We don't need any more burning vines hanging around the place. Remember what happened to Demyx?"
There was silence as each member reminisced about the incident that led to the creation of Demyx's hybrid haircut. He turned scarlet as Xaldin snickered, "And you control water, too!"
"Shut up, guys!"
"I'm just saying…"
Trying to remedy the rapidly deteriorating situation, Demyx suddenly spouted out, "You know, I heard that it helps to read to a sick person."
There was more silence, and then, "What sort of reading?" It was Vexen who had asked, and because nobody had heard him enter the room, everybody jumped. All heads turned to Demyx for the answer.
"Er…" He froze. He hadn't expected to get this far and was now stuck.
"Not scientific journals," Axel called out.
"Let Number 9 speak," commanded Xemnas.
"I guess…I guess fairy tales," Demy said, his voice getting smaller and smaller.
There was another silence filled pause, and then laughter broke out. Demyx pulled his hood up and fled.
"Hey, bring back some of those fairy tales you were talking about!" Xigbar yelled after him. Larxene rapped him across the head.
"Can't you be nice, just a little bit?"
"This, coming from you," was the retort.
"Why can't you all just leave?" Roxas moaned, but of course, nobody heard him.
As it turned out, Demyx did indeed return, clutching a large book under his arm. He met no one's eye, and situated himself in a corner, disappearing behind the book's overly large covers.
"Number 9," Xemnas said. Demyx looked up hesitantly. "Will these 'fairy tales' of yours keep Number 8 occupied?"
"What about Roxas? Does he count for anything? He's sick. Why do you always pinpoint me?"
"Number 9," Xemnas said again, "Will they keep Number 8 from causing any more trouble?"
"Maybe," Demyx answered quietly.
"Good. Proceed." Demyx balked.
"I'll read it then," Axel snapped, seizing the book. Demyx yelped. Ruffling through the pages, he yawned, "Boring."
"You're supposed to make it interesting," Demyx explained.
"Fine." Choosing a page at random, Axel read the title to himself, and then looked slyly up at Larxene. She pointed at him threateningly.
"Don't even think about it." Axel shrugged.
"Okay, okay, so once upon a time, there was this kid named Red Riding Hood who always wore this stupid red cloak even though it clashed horribly with his pink hair."
Marluxia glared at Axel, eyes narrowed to slits. "Peon," he grumbled.
Axel continued as though he was never interrupted. "One day, he decided he was going to bring some food to his Grandmother Audrey, and set off to walk through the woods to her house. But he forgot about the evil wolf that lived in the forest that ate pink-haired, flower-loving guys, especially when the moon was out."
"Number 8, you are skating into very dangerous territory. I suggest you leave it quickly."
"Anyway, Riding Hood was walking through the forest, and even though he was told not to stop for any reason, he saw a flower and just had to go look at it, and he spent all afternoon drooling at it. When he finally tore himself away, it was almost dark, and the moon was starting to rise.
"He hurried on, afraid of the crazy wolf, but what he didn't know was that the wolf was already following him, and had taken a shortcut to Grandma Audrey's house, where had found her and eaten her. Then he took all of her clothes, put them on, and laid down in her bed, pretending to be her.
"Meanwhile, Riding Hood arrived at Grandma Audrey's door and knocked to be let in. The wolf answered and told her to come into the bedroom; she was too ill to walk into the kitchen. So stupid Riding Hood goes into the bedroom and starts asking all these ridiculous questions."
Axel's voice took on a high falsetto as he said, "What big eyes you have!"
"I do not sound like that!" Marluxia yelled, while Xemnas snapped, "Number 8!"
Axel laughed and kept reading. "Yeah, so the two have little game of twenty questions, and then Riding Hood finally realizes that 'Grandma Audrey' is really the crazy wolf. And to make it worse, the moon was full, too."
From the cusp of the group, Saïx growled, a low rumbling that sent everyone's hair on end. Axel sped up his reading the slightest bit, a rather formidable sweat drop forming on the side of his head.
"So Riding Hood goes for the door, but the wolf caught him and ate him, too. Literally, not figuratively," he added, looking thoughtful.
"Number 8, control yourself!"
"But Riding Hood got lucky, because the wolf was so gorged that he fell asleep on the floor, and the woodcutter with wacky silver hair-"
"Number 8, this is quickly degenerating into something-"
"Killed the crazy wolf and rescued Red Riding Hood and his stupid pink hair and grandmother," Axel finished quickly. Marluxia was already up though, and before Axel had time to defend himself, had taken the mammoth book from his hands and flipped to a new page.
"But," Marluxia said, pointing to nothing in particular, "the highly intelligent and handsome Riding Hood, in his joy of finding himself and much-loved grandmother alive and uneaten (both figuratively and literally), forgot about the vile, spiky-haired, ugly, rude, manipulative, red-headed beast that lived in the dilapidated castle at the edge of the forest."
"Are you calling me ugly? I'll have you know-"
"Number 8, will you please be quiet?!"
"Yes sir, Superior."
"Thank you. Please proceed, Number 11, and try to be more subtle in your gibes."
Marluxia began to speak again. "The disgusting creature took Riding Hood captive in the dungeons, but, with the flower he had so craftily picked hours beforehand, the resourceful Riding Hood was able to pick the lock and escape the dungeon. Though he could have escaped into freedom, Riding Hood chose to stay in the castle and rid the world of this hideous beast so that the forest would be safe."
"That's not how it goes!" Demyx protested, but nobody paid him any mind. "Hey! Listen to me, damn it!"
"Be quiet, this is funny," Xigbar told him, watching as Axel and Marluxia squared off.
"But what Riding Hood didn't realize in all of his glorious stupidity was that the silver-haired woodcutter hadn't really killed the wolf, he had just knocked it unconscious. So while the flower-lover was busy stalking the lonely and misunderstood beast, the wolf snuck into the castle, bent on getting Riding Hood," Axel interpolated, bearing himself up to full height. The effect was ruined by the fact that Marluxia was at least twice as thick as him.
"Oh no, Riding Hood knew the wolf was not really dead, but was quite sure that he wolf, being a smart creature, would not dare to try again," Marluxia answered, tossing the book to Demyx. He fumbled with it, and it dropped open to another new story.
"Well, Riding Hood thought wrong, because before he knew it, the wolf was eating him again, and this time, it was figuratively!"
"Number 8!" Xemnas finally exploded. "One more comment of such a nature, and I will personally assign you to cleaning duty! With Lexaeus."
"What did I say!?" Axel hollered and at the same time, Marluxia yelled, "He'll kill my flowers if you do that!"
"Oh, there you go with your damned flowers again!"
"Flowers are aesthetically pleasing as well as environmentally sound."
"And you're a savage, ruthless, carnage-causing cretin."
From the mountain of sheets, Roxas moaned, "Please! Just go away and leave me in peace!" Marluxia and Axel, however, continued hurling insults at each other, occasionally joined in by some of the higher-ranking Nobodies, and Xemnas, who bellowed without avail for everyone to be quiet. Only Saïx was quiet, standing unobtrusively in a corner, plotting.
Will be continued when I get off my lazy butt and figure out a way to get Demyx into the fray. Translated: It will be updated at my discretion. Fear it.
Grandma Audrey…my sense of humor should be shot.
So yeah, enjoy the random Organization crack like you enjoy the random, cracky Organization fanart.
And yes, I want reviews, FOR MY BIRTHDAY! Just don't leave any asinine comments like, 'This is so totally OOC. You shouldn't write anymore.' Yeah, I know it's OOC. That's why it's called c-r-a-c-k.
And before I ramble on any farther and make myself into more of an ass than I already have, I leave you. Leave a review in return.